Posted: 1/13/2008 7:38:03 PM EDT
| Man I just have to vent a little. I really like helping people but I am starting to feel the stress of the job a bit. Seeing so many dead people is really starting to eat at me. I know most of them are old folks and that diein is part of life. Sometimes it just really gets to me. I know I need to have a sit down and talk to someone about it. I just wanted to vent a bit while I was having a bad week. It will be 15 years this year since I started in this field. I guess I have lasted longer than most. Well thanks for letting me vent for a bit. Back to your regularly scheduled threads. |
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I worked as a volunteer with an ambulance service for a year. Then, I worked for a funeral home for a year. Ever since then, I've been more at peace with death, more accepting of it, and totally unafraid of dying. Death is something I hope to avoid as long as is possible, of course, but eventually, it catches us all. Deaths of other people don't affect me much now, either. It's not that I've become hardened to it or anything like that, but it's that it holds no mysteries to me, at least as far as the physical aspects of it are concerned, and that I have my own beliefs of what happens next. I believe we continue to exist as sentient beings...just not in that body. This is the adjustment I made which allows me to be comfortable with the concept of death in real, practical terms. Maybe my posting my viewpoint on it might help you to make a similar adjustment. CJ |
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There are a few things that make it more difficult at some times than others. Several 419's within a short period of time will eat at you. That feeling of helplessness is the worst for us. We LIKE to save lives. Some particular patients affect us more than others. You never know what the trigger will be- for some it's pediatrics, for some it's elderly, for some it's abuse cases. For some it's any and all of the above. The very first time I had a patient die on me- where it affected me to the point of needing to excuse myself afterwards and sit outside and cry- was a 54 year old man who for some reason reminded me soooo much of my own father. His wife and two teenage children were there, and I will never forget their sobs of grief. Not til the day I die. Another thing I've found is that if you're having any kind of problems at home/outside of work, then work is much more difficult. When the issues of either begin to creep into the other, you'll notice. 15 years is a long time. Maybe you just need to meet up with a trained CISD/CISM member. Maybe you just need a vacation to help you get your head back on. Maybe you just need to vent on AR15.com.  No matter what, if it helps, do it. 
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There are highs and lows my friend...as I am sure you know. 15 years is a good run, nothing to be ashamed of. I have been down the same road myself. As a matter of fact, I have been in a funk myself for a while, and am thinking about dropping my patch (15 year medic). I started EMS in 1987, got on the FD in '91. I have spent a vast part of my career on some very busy rigs and to be honest with you I am getting tired of it. The way I see it, I still have about 10 years of service left.... Sometimes, even a small change can bring about great good. Seek a new position in the company, specialize in one certain area, become an instructor for a while, become a mentor...hell, take a vacation to a desert island. Chances are that if you make an honest attempt to work through it, you will come out ok on the other side. Sometimes easier said than done, I know.  There are very few people that our profession will not adversely affect to some degree at one point or another, it is just the nature of the beast. Good luck too you. 
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Just realize that you're human, not super human. You're no different than anyone else. You have fealings and you react to things you see. Sometimes you can deal with it ok and others you can't. The biggest thing I've had a hard time with throughout my career is seeing how unfair life is. You go to a lot of calls where you see people just leaching off society for everything they can get, and a few calls where a little old grandma waited till the last minute to call you because she didn't want to be a bother. I think I've just accepted it now and do the best I can. Thats all you can do. In reality most calls we go to we make little difference. Most of our calls are dub calls where a person really doesn't need an ambulance. Most codes you probably won't get back, especially a trauma. But you still try, and that's all you can do. The worst call I've ever had was working a 1 month old code from the projects that we never got back and the family is on welfare for life, mom is a human baby factory so she can keep collecting the checks. Oh yeah the 1 month old died of abuse but there isn't enough evidence to prove it so there is nothing that can be done about it, mom gets to keep on reproducing, hopefully she won't kill another one of her kids. Kids calls are the worst by far for me. You just have to somehow accept it and find a way to separate it from your personal life. Talk about it with friends who are in the business. Someone metioned before the EAP program. A couple of guys I work with have used it and they said it was great. I've almost used it myself on a couple of occasions for stuff in my personal life, not work related. I've had a few funky spells where I lost interest in the job but they have passed. Talking about it with friends, coworkers, spouse/SO helps. Vent here if you need to. We're all here to listen and give advice if you'd like. Look into other areas of the field like instructing. There's nothing better than learning from someone who's been there and done that. Stay safe... |
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I consider you a better man than I. It only took me 5 years before I was unable to continue in the field. For me it was children, I always said losing a child would be the end of me... I lost a child on Christmas Eve of 2006, which I've posted about, and that was my last call working for the Fire Dept or EMS... I lost it for a few days after that, and never went back. (side note - i second guessed myself for months after the fact and it led me into a bout of depression and resentment for a while...) Find an escape route... I'm telling you, talk to somebody, whether it be your brothers in the house, or a professional, or anybody for that matter... It's easiest to talk to someone that's been there, or so I have found. For me, it took 10 months to find somebody to talk to, and it ended up being my Training Sgt with the PD. I sat down with him and before I even started talkin, I lost it again... But after I talked for a few minutes, he told me that he'd been there and told me about his situation, which eased my reservations about talking with him. He told me that a good idea might be to find a church (I don't go, not against it, just personal choice), and alot of the officers around here in various churches would most likely be willing to speak with me when I need it. After we talked for about 30 minutes, the stresses and tensions over the incident eased significantly. I haven't had a nightmare about the incident since then either. Maybe some of this is relevant, maybe not... For me, I needed out of the Red Line for a while all together. I stayed in public safety, I switched to the Dark Side  , but it's what I needed. I'm happy with my new career, and I still get to do that good deed for the day.Good luck brother, and if you feel the need to talk to someone sort of anonymously, shoot me a message, I don't mind a bit. |
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Been there!! I rode my first ambulance and engine in 74..... Johnny and Roy were still on. For me it was never the dead ones so much but all of the BS the department handed down. kids did bother me after I had my own. There are so many variables that cause burn out and it is dependent on your expectations, type of system, support, run volume, just to name a few. I am still in the business. The answer for me was not being a perfectionist anymore (per the shrink) and I went into administration eventually and try to make it as easy on the crews as I can. I am constantly trying to see to the welfare of my people. Without some support we can't expect anyone to do this job very long. You got some real good advice in the thread above. Above all it aint over til you say so. You may have many more EMS years left in you. Good luck!!!!!!!! |
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