Posted: 10/21/2006 7:39:36 PM EDT
This is funny. I got a kick out of it!!! Narcotics units Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to. Start watching every episode of Monster Garage. Buy a biker wallet with a big chain. Make every case involve overtime $$$. Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime. Learn to play golf drunk. SWAT units Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday. Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation. Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair. Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod. Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness. Learn to play golf wearing a gun. Community Service units Hate SWAT. Work to make everybody love you. Paint your office in pastel colors. Think Feng Shui. Subscribe to Psychology Today. Learn to play miniature golf. Traffic units Write tickets to EVERYBODY. Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots. Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops. Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day. Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection. Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool. Administrative Units Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting". Upgrade department cell phone every month. Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine. Update your revenge list on a weekly basis. Golf Rules! Play lots of golf. Patrol Units Has nerves of steel. In a terminal state of nausea from department politics. Inability to keep mouth shut. Has defining tastes in alcohol. Is respected by peers. Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot Investigators Come in at 0800 "Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030 Work from 1030 to Noon Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch 1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip. Patrol Sergeant Remembers very well "how we used to do do it." Always willing to tell his officers the above. Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence. Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs." Trainee Unable to grow facial hair. Watches every episode of Cops. Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on. Arrives for work three hours early. Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him. Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance. FEDS - Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut). - Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around). - Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks "to discuss your a new case." - After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT,SWAT, etc, to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills." - After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about "long term undercover" jobs. - Refuse to play golf with "the locals." New Corrections Officers - Show up for work 15 minutes early - Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2) - Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform - Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove: gun, baton, spare magazines, knife, cell phone, and BUG when you arrive at the facility - Become friends with every local police officer - Continue eating too much and not exercising COs we still love you. It's a tough, thankless job but someone has to do it. 
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Here are some of my own observations. I admit to being SOME of these: Watch III patrol (Night Fighters) -- Caffeine addict -- Hates bright light -- Collects flashlights -- Hates morning court -- Convinced everyone is drunk, on drugs or just freaking nuts -- Handcuffs, ASP, OC and Taser actually gets used -- Can't stand to drive in daytime traffic because everone goes too slow -- Catches burglars instead of taking reports in morning (OK we miss a few!) -- Has the OWI Implied Consent Advisory memorized -- Has PBT tubes falling out of pockets and waistband -- Can spot a fight spilling out of a bar from three blocks away -- Considers it odd that people out and about at 4 a.m. doing drugs, fighting and stealing stuff are somehow considered disabled (SSI) and can't work. -- Goes to 24-hour Wal-Marts on nights off to buy stuff and stock up on ammo. -- Gets used to golfing tired from lack of sleep -- TREASURES FAMILY TIME!!!!!! ESPECIALLY A GOOD DINNER AT HOME IN THE EVENING. |
Classic. How the fuck do you know me so well? 
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After working 6 years of midnights in the NYPD (2315x0750) I would have to agree 100% with this one but I need to add: -- Covers the bedroom windows with blankets, towels, etc. to make it as dark as possible while we sleep during the day. -- Having a steak and beer for a meal at 0800 hours isn't odd |
+1 |
After being the non review board cop (taxi driver) for 5 years in the city on nights, I will admit to most of those, and fully understand all that dont apply. |
Fucking ditto. I was cracking up. Damn am I tired got off at 0600 and girlfriend has me up at 10. |
 THATS HILARIOUS
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oh no... and I'm not even full-time yet. |
Add -- naps in his squad with .40 in hand -- will uncontrollably drool when conversation turns to Generation 4 night vision devices -- gets kicks out of driving by buddy's house, who recently switched over to day watch, at 4:30am to spotlight bedroom window (which causes dogs to begin barking) |
+1 Million just a few more... -- Knows every 24 hour clerk's life story -- Tie policy? What tie policy? -- Thinks Dracula has the right idea with the coffin and light thing. -- Greets everybody with "good morning" until 23:00 |
BANG! BANG! BANG! 
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My typical Morning Watch (Corrections) -- Arrive 5 mins. before shift (since I always get relieved 5 mins before start of shift) -- Serious Caffeine addict (include non-coffee drinks, like Iced Tea, Guarana Juice, Red Bull, Full Throttle, etc..) -- Collects flashlights (I have a Surefire 6P, a Surefire G2, three mini mags, two 3 cell Maglites from ym days as an MP, three Inova LED Lights from my tour in Iraq and apair of MS200 Strobes) -- Hates morning counts (I HATE THEM) -- Can't stand to drive in daytime traffic because everone goes too slow (not fast enough for me; and I have a 45 min. commute back home) --Carry around 2 spare batteries for radio (because 90% of the batteries have "memory" in them and they only last you about 20 mins.) --Carry around a dozen flashlight batteries (I hate it when my 6P gives up on me mid-count) -- Put keychain on pouch, so they don't rattle when walking around (I love to sneak on inmates preparing "Hooch") --Looks at everything as a possible hiding place for contraband (never fail to find shanks in places you would not even imagine) -- Hate Golf (you go play golf if you want to suck up to the Capt., the AW and the Warden; I rather go shooting with my shift buddies). Yes, we Correctional Officers are always underappreciated by other LEOs, but how many patrol officers you know make $40k plus a year (not counting O/T) just popping cell doors all day?  |
I covered my widow with tinfoil. It does a good job. |
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Corrections Arrive 15 min prior. See how many more have been locked down for actiing stupid. Conduct 1st unlock of the day (every 30 min.) Wake every sleeping inmate up by 0830 during cell inspections. Make sure to pee in some inmates wheaties every day by enforceing the policies and operational procedures, don't do any special favors for them. Drink lots of coffee, afterall a 0430 wake is early. When counting wake, up every inmate that is covered. Sure to bring about the appropiate response from inmate. When patting down a inmate that attempt to make you feel uncomfortable about searching him take all of his stuff that is percieved to be altered in any fashion, after all it is contraband. |
after 6 1/2 years on night shift and still am by the way; did we meet some place bar fight or sobriety check point?
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