Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Not a joke--kinda sad: Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

If we were really bad it meant mom was going to spank us with a wooden spoon.  Actually, it really meant a spanking with two or three wooden spoons, because she'd break at least one of them and have to get more to finish the job.

The result?  7 children have all grown up to be productive members of society.  6 out of 7 have college degrees, and the last one is working on getting hers in the next year or two.  All 7 are married with children, and no divorces.  None have a criminal history worse than a traffic ticket.  None are on government welfare.

Of course there was more to good parenting than the wooden spoon spanking, but you know what I'm getting at.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Not a joke, but something for the parents here to think about: The child replied, "Cause my Daddy's the pilot, and he's taking me home."

Now you've gone and done it!  Made me tear up.

tag

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line
so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother
Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep
or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory
loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down
and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part
by remembering to contact
at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done ....Your turn)

Superman is flying over the city one fine summer day and is using his super vision to look for criminal activity.  

He spots Wonder Woman, sunbathing naked,  on the deck by her pool in the back yard of her mansion.     She's looking GOOD.    Naked, hot, sweaty...oh yeah!

Superman can't help but get horny at the sight of her.   And he starts thinking...;
"With my Super Speed,  I'll bet I could fly down there, fuck her so fast she doesn't even know it happened,  and be gone without anyone ever seeing me.....what the hell,  I'm going to do it!"

Superman drops his tights just enough,  obtains a Super Erection,  flies down to Wonder
Woman as fast as he can,  screws her in less than a thousandth of a second,  and flies away at max speed, feeling satisfied and He moves too fast for anyone to see him.



A moment later,  Wonder Woman opens her eyes wide in surprise and says,  "What the fuck was THAT???"

To which,  The Invisible Man says from on top of her, in a strained voice,  "I don't know, but all of a sudden my asshole is absolutely KILLING me!"
 

Have to give my wife credit for finding this on one of the boards she visits.

Seven Reasons Not To Mess With Children:))

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Not a joke and I have no clue if it's true or not--but I LIKE IT!!   Then there was a conference in France where  a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and  American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the  room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent  an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he  intend to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied  quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several  hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical  power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to  feed 3,000 people three meals  a day, they can produce several thousand  gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen  helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their  flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France  have?" Once again, dead silence.

NICE!

Tag for more jokes.

Originally Posted By DeltaAir423: Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Not a joke and I have no clue if it's true or not--but I LIKE IT!!   Then there was a conference in France where  a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and  American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the  room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent  an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he  intend to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied  quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several  hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical  power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to  feed 3,000 people three meals  a day, they can produce several thousand  gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen  helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their  flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France  have?" Once again, dead silence. Sorry beekeeper.  France has an aircraft carrier.  The Charles de Gaulle.  It's nuclear powered, and displaces 38,000 tons empty.  Aircraft compliment is Dassault Rafale M's, and E-2 Hawkeyes.  Charles de Gaulle (R 91) France has plans to build another carrier in the 65-74,000 ton range, and also plans on purchasing a third carrier from the UK. Sorry to ruin your joke.

So WHAT? They're french!!

Ladies, if you're ever called a BITCH,  remember what it stands for:


Brains
Intelligence
Tenacity
Courage
Happiness.



Also,  I don't have to spell out the word, but if you ever hear THAT word, remember that it stands for:

Caring
Understanding
Nurturing
Tenderness



 


CJ

Originally Posted By fsk1290: Originally Posted By DeltaAir423: Sorry beekeeper.  France has an aircraft carrier.  The Charles de Gaulle.  It's nuclear powered, and displaces 38,000 tons empty.  Aircraft compliment is Dassault Rafale M's, and E-2 Hawkeyes.  Charles de Gaulle (R 91) France has plans to build another carrier in the 65-74,000 ton range, and also plans on purchasing a third carrier from the UK. Sorry to ruin your joke. ....but do they know how to drive it????

Don't ask if they know how to drive it, ask if they know how to start the motor!

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front  of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to  make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope,    'Did  you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every  Democrat in the crowd go wild?'


He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture  and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering  subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance,  considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that  with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the  crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary dis play like  that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will  forever speak of this day and rejoice.'


The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your  hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'



So the Pope slapped her.

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder -- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia -- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...

Paranoid -- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder -- Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far a way?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, ...

I heard this on a Brad Paisley CD:

You know you're old when your wife says to you:  "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you reply, "My dear, I cannot do both."

+

Taken from another forum I frequent


Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended at that point

tag

A priest is hearing confessions, when a man enters the booth and says, "Faddah, Oi had sex wit' t'ree prostitutes las' week!"

The priest says, "I don't recognize your voice. Where do you go to church?"

"Oi, I ain' a Cat'lik, I'm a Jew."

"Then why are you telling me this story?"

"Are you kiddin'? I'm tellin' EVERYBODY!"

Originally Posted By Max-Paul: Have to give my wife credit for finding this on one of the boards she visits. Seven Reasons Not To Mess With Children:)) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

I love it.

An man was driving down the road when he was pulled over by the police. The officer rushes up to his window and says "sir, do realize that your wife fell out of the car about 5 blocks back???" the man looks at the cop and answers "Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!!!"

What do tickle me Elmo dolls get before they leave the factory?




Two test tickles.

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

a man and his wife are in the car, she's driving.

the man says "i want a divorce", no response from his wife, she just drives a little faster
so, he says "i think i should get the house",

still no response, she just drives faster

he says "i think i should keep the kids", still she stays quiet and just drives faster

"i want the money in our savings and the good car" still no response from his wife she just drives faster

"isn't there anything you want?"

"i've got everything i want"

"whats that?"

"the airbag"

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down
and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you have Attention Deficit Disorder, Have you seen any good movies lately?

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part
by remembering to contact
at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done ....Your turn)

A young couple, Tom and MaryAnn, joined a new church and the pastor told them, "We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month."  The couple agreed, but after three weeks returned to
see the pastor.  The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed.  "You are back so soon.  Is there a problem?" inquired the pastor.
"We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.  "The first week we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.  The second week was terrible and as we began the third week, we were powerless."  The pastor asked what happened.
The young man replied, "My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.  When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there.  It was loud and passionate lovemaking.  It lasted over an hour and, when we were done, we were both drenched in sweat."
The pastor said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."  "We understand." said Tom hanging his head.  "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.

"Excuse me," he said.

"I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure. Do you know where your wife might be?"

 "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere."

Journey of [an ARFcom GD] Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

not a tag

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Little Mikey came into the kitchen where his mother was
making dinner.
 
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good
time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
birthday."
 
Now, Little Mikey was a bit of a troublemaker. He had
gotten into trouble at school and at home. Mikey's mother asked him if
he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Mikey,
of course, thought he did.
 
Mikey's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to
reflect on his behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and
tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Mikey stomped
up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
 
LETTER 1:
 
Dear God:

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for
my birthday. I want a red one.
                   
Your friend, Mikey
 
 
Mikey knew this wasn't true.  He had not been a very
good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
 
LETTER 2:
 
Dear God:

This is your friend Mikey. I have been a pretty
good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
 
Thank you, Mikey
 
Mikey knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter
and started again.
 
LETTER 3:
 
Dear God:
 I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am
very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
 
Thank you, Mikey
 
Mikey knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going
to get him a bike. By now, he was very upset.  He went downstairs
and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Mikey's mother thought
her plan had worked because Mikey looked very sad.
 
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother
said. Mikey walked down the street to the church and up to the
altar. he looked around to see if anyone was there. he picked up a
statue of the Virgin Mary , slipped it under his jacket and ran out of the
church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. he
shut the door and sat down and wrote his letter to God.
 
LETTER 4:
 
I GOT YOUR MAMA.


IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
 
       
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: ***WARNING*** Ladies--PLEASE be careful to NOT swallow your gum-- photos.ar15.com/ImageGallery/Attachments/DownloadAttach.asp?iImageUnq=56551

Do you know why cavemen would drag their women into the cave by their hair when it came time to have sex with them?
Because they discovered that if you drag them by the legs, they fill up with sand.  



CJ