Posted: 6/13/2005 4:20:45 AM EDT
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Ok folks, the relationship MrGH and I have with his Stepmother has never been good. I try though to get along and never take my gloves off. Well she has learned from MrGHs teen years, that it does no good to tell him to do anything, he has and always will ignore her. So now that I am part of the family, she bitches to me when he does anything wrong. I usually sit there and let her get it out and then go on to something else, just to keep peace. Yesterday we were at his dad and stepmoms for his little sisters 8th birthday. (She is a whole other story that I have yet to learn how to deal with) When we were planning the trip, MrGHs dad asked that he bring one high power rifle. So before we leave yesterday morning, we call and ask dad if he still wants us to bring one. (StepMIL HATES them) So we load up the shotguns (Shooting clay all day yesterday) a couple of handguns and an AR. So we get there long before the party is to start and MrGH and his Dad head straight to the firing line. I head inside with the lilGH. They shoot the AR and a very loud Benelli shoutgun and StepMIL comes storming into the house yelling. "I instructed B to tell MrGH NOT to bring anything high powered, we have guests coming today, I have things to do outside and me and my guests don't want to have to wear hearing protection all day out there." So I tell her she needs to talk to B because MrGH was instructed to bring one high powered rifle. She says, "No I will talk to MrGH." She storms into the kitchen and a few minutes later B comes in and says he is done with the rifle and we can come out now. So I get lilGH and head out. So when I finally get a moment to get MrGH alone I tell him of what happened and in my opinion, his dad wanted the rifle to piss her off. Told him I thought he was using us to get at her and I am tired of being put in the middle. He talked to Dad and all Dad could say was "That cunt needs to learn her place." Now please remember, anytime StepMIL has something to say about MrGH, she comes to me. I have been hearing this for 6 years and I am getting sick of it and am ready to take the gloves off. How do I handle this without alienating anyone? I know I have MrGhs full support in whatever I do or however I handle it. Just looking for a nice way before I blow my stack. |
well, from the way dad seems to be going about it, he doesn't seem to like her much either.... but someone like that is just to let them blow steam and ignore it, because the more you seem "to give a shit" , the more she'll complain to you thinking your gonan goto MrGH and yell at him for it(like you cared in the first place).......I say goto the local store and get some anti-bitch pills or have dad slip her a valium before you guys come over
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I've been pretty much ignoring her for the last 6 years. Yesterday was the first I said anything to her or Mr said anything to his dad. and your right, his dad don't care for her much either but won't leave because he has to take care of his responsibilities. (the 8 year old sister) <disclaimer, If I missed a typo, lilGH is sitting on my lap now> |
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I used to have a sister in law like that. Honestly, it really doesn't make much difference what you do, she'll just find something else to complain about anyway. I made the mistake of "ironing out" one dispute between her and my mother. I guess that gave her the impression that I actually gave a shit. So from that point on I was the one listening to her crap. Best thing to do is just ignore her as much as possible. I mean don't be overly rude about it or anything, just sort of sit there, let her blow her stack, then go about the rest of your day like it never happened. |
Maybe flat out tell her that you do not like playing middle man between her and your husband and if she has a complaint with Mr.GH that she would be better suited going directly to the source. Then I would put my hand up in policeman style everytime she tries to pull you in. Patty
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You are SO lucky that Mr. GH is supportive with this. Have a step-mother-in-law myself and for a while there, my SO would say "That's just the way she is." The SMIL almost got what she wanted, us divorced. Haven't taken off the gloves, yet (I'm so overmatched where she is concerned, she's so much less emotional), but have decided not to avail myself of her "hospitality" unless absolutely necessary. My FIL has passed away, so this makes it possible. He's the only reason I tolerated her to start with. Obviously, having been there and done nothing about it myself, I don't have any recommendations except you can just claim your turf on a regular, tiring basis. "Don't talk about my husband that way. If you have a problem with someone, you should tell them yourself. I don't like for lilGH to hear you talking about his father that way." Good luck. |
That's exactly what I was going to suggest...Don't beat around the bush and pussyfoot around her anymore. Remove yourself from the situation as best you can and make her whine to whomever she's got a problem with. That, or tell her you're going to start charging her for your psych visits.
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#! Agree with Patty--including the STOP hand signal. "He is my husband, don't talk about him that way to me". "And...not in front of our child, either." Been there, done that---not the same relationship (relative by birth, not StepMIL). Someone who kept stirring the sh*t even after Mr Gwen and I resolved some serious problems in our marriage. I had told her about the problem months/years before...she considered that carte blanche for bashing. Which leads me to #2 Only speak generous words of praise for the menfolk in her presence. Don't even complain that they leave the seat up LOL All good wishes, Gwen |
+1 Get caller ID...really handy in these types of situations. When the phone rings and it's her...you're not home! |
how charmingly passive aggressive FIL amd SMIL's relationship is    i agree with the others--refuse to play their passive aggressive games any longer and tell her you wont hear it--and i agree with Gwen, ESPECIALLY not in front of lilGH--lil pitchers have big ears as i tell people....good luck with that
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Missed that until DC posted it...yup on the child not being privvy to it for 2 reasons: They repeat And They should never hear one family member bash another unless it's a circumstance like "don't play with cousin Marty, he does drugs..." Very base example, but it simply means that if they love the person and you and you don't want that to change, don't do anything to change it. |
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Yep! you can do what I did with my mother in law. Say "I'm sorry I really dont' feel this is my business. this is between you and your [step] son. I am just an inlaw here. This is a personal mater between you and ......" After the fourth time, she quit coming to me. During the twenty years,...she came to me once after that. I turned and looked at her and said,...I believe I told you several times, It is not MY BUSINESS!!! And frankly, could care less." She shut up. Makes life a hell of a lot easier.  Thankfully, I have a husband who says, say what you want when you want. It is between you two if you quibble or ignore or whatever. Actually, we now get along pretty well. I wish you luck,. It is a tough situation to be in. But once you do something she doesn't expect, after she cools off, it won't happen anymore. |
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Thank You so much folks. I will kindly tell her next time it happens (and every time after that) she needs to speak to MrGH about it, which she won't do. He said she never said word one to him Sunday after she said she was going to, which is normal. He didn't listen to her 20+ years ago when Dad married her, he isn't going to listen to her now. I never thought of the fact of lilGH being there and hearing everything she said about his Daddy, not a good thing to do and I thank you ladies for bringing it up. One more tool to use in my defense of why she shouldn't bitch at me about him. Thankfully the IL's live over 2 hours away and I don't have to deal with this often, mostly in the summer mths since MrGH won't sit in the house with her, so our visits are mostly only during the summer. Another thankfully is she NEVER calls us. If the caller ID says K.V., I know it is FIL and not her, and I have no problem with FIL. Next topic will be the 8 Y/O SIL from hell 
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