Posted: 12/18/2004 11:37:40 AM EDT
i know you ladies have the best intentions posting your moving christmas poems, but it makes me want to post a funny  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet Table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 10.One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" |
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Martha Stewart's Christmas Schedule >December 1 >Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down >and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. > >December 2 >Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering >machine. > >December 3 >Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine >tails. > >Flog gardner. > >December 4 >Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. > >December 5 >Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. > >December 6 >Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. > >December 7 >Debug Windows '98. > >December 10 >Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. > >December 11 >Lay Faberge egg. > >December 12 >Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. > >December 13 >Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for >decorative pie crusts. > >December 14 >Install plumbing in gingerbread house. > >December 15 >Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in care tires are >shot out at mall. > >December 17 >Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. > >December 19 >Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height >when >sitting at his or her assigned seat. > >December 20 >Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a >festive touch to the pasture. > >December 21 >Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon >sticks. > >December 22. >Float votive candles in toilet. > >December 23 >Seed clouds for white Christmas. > >December 24 >Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last >minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than >they >really are. > >December 25 >Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in colour coordinated manger scented with home-made >potpourri. > >December 26 >Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. > >December 27 >Build snowman in exact likeness of God. > >December 31 >New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time >zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. > > |