Posted: 7/27/2009 7:38:13 AM EDT
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Ok guys here we go. I am 24 years old. Me and my fiancee just recently bought a house together. Two days after moving in we found out she was pregnant. This was not expected. I was excited but did not show it. I was overwhelmed with all of the new responsibility that I had made for myself. My first house and now a baby on the way. i became depressed. My fiancee started to tell me that if I cared about her or the baby I would be excited. The thing is I was, it just took me a while to get over the shock of it all. I would ask her to please just stop getting on me about not being excited. That I am excited but it might take a week or two to get over the first shock of it all. Well she couldn't stop. She kept saying how she didn't think we were going to work out and how she felt she was going to have to do this all on her own
. I kept trying to reassure her but it did not help. This made me more depressed. One night we got into argument about my lack of being excited and I lost it. I told her her to pack up an leave. And yes I know this was a complete heartless and immature thing to say. I told her I was sorry and that I had been feeling really depressed lately and that I was going to get some help. The next night I went and had dinner with my dad and talked about the whole thing. The conversation with my father completely changed the way i was feeling. I had never had a heart to heart talk with my dad like that and after that I began to treat her like she deserved to be treated. I was loving and showing excitement. Fast forward three nights. I got home from work, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, and made dinner. She called and said she was going to her parents after work and would be home late. She got home and everything seemed ok. Then she dropped a bomb. She said she was leaving and moving in with her parents. I was destroyed. She said she could not get over me telling her to leave. The next morning her and her parents came and got all of her things. This was three weeks ago. I went to the doctor and they put me on medication. I have been talking to someone at church. She came over last night to talk and told me that we are never going to get back together. I am trying to except this but I can't. I still love her with everything in me and I want to be with my baby and its mother. I am in a bad spot guys and just need some advice. I know i was immature. I know I was not acting like a man. I know I was an asshole. |
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At my age, I'd be excited to be told that I was going to be a father. At your age, I would have probably acted like you did.
You're going to have to deal with this on your own without her for a while until you can prove you are ready for the commitment it takes. That means no more arguing or begging but being a man and showing her that you are going to be there. By that I mean if she takes birthing classes you will be there. If she wants to do anything related to your kid, you will be there no excuses. In fact, insist on being there. I don't care if it means shopping for diapers, you will be there and you will learn to like it. Don't be weak and don't distance yourself at all. Just reassure her you will be there with actions. |
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People say stupid things, even more so when they are young. If that's all it took for her to throw in the towel then the foundation of the relationship sounds pretty weak. My wife and I have had it out with each other more than a few times. Even to that point of talking about leaving. But heads cool down with time and you realize what's important and that you love one another. If she doesn't come back then consider it that she didn't prolong the inevitable and thank her. My $0.02 Good luck bro. |
| DO NOT LET HER PUSH YOU AWAY. My daughters mother is good about that. Be a man, Be strong and be there for her and your child. You may work things out, You may not. I think there are people that are too quick to throw relationships out the window. If she is one of those people, Then it wasnt going to work anyway. But be a father to the child. Think of whatever happens as a blessing. Weather thats with or without her. |
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People say stupid things, even more so when they are young. If that's all it took for her to throw in the towel then the foundation of the relationship sounds pretty weak. My wife and I have had it out with each other more than a few times. Even to that point of talking about leaving. But heads cool down with time and you realize what's important and that you love one another. If she doesn't come back then consider it that she didn't prolong the inevitable and thank her. My $0.02 Good luck bro. Agreed. Now maybe she just needs time as well, but if it is over you got off easy IMO. Good luck. |
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Where is the communication these days?
Yes, you were being a jerk and were unreasonable to ask her to leave. She is as bad or worse because she's taken the stance that she is unwilling to forgive you. I hope you two can put your differences aside for a moment and get some counseling. This sounds like a fairly small issue which took on a life of it's own and has been blown out of proportion. |
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Back away from the computer.
Go to her parents house––preferably when she is not there. Be a man and they will come on board with you. You might not get her back right away, but if you convince them that you are sincere that you fucked up and have them on board than she will not be too far behind. Remember––and remind her––that it's not just the two of you anymore. |
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I'm 24 as well. I would have shat my pants. The dog is a big responsibility sometimes.
Let her cool off. While she's gone, get a room in that new house set up as a nursery- she will be amazed at how excited you are to be having a child with her. She's probably feeling guilty as if she is somehow dragging you into fatherhood by getting pregnant. |
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Aside from the "telling her to get out" thing, you sound pretty mature and responsible.
How "in" are you with her parents? If they adore you, you might just call and talk to her mom for a while and explain it all to her. Be COMPLETELY open with her; do not choke back the tears if they come. Every good mother and father wants what's best for their little girl and if you truly love her, you just let them know that. They will likely relay it to your girlfriend and you'd be surprised at how much people your age still rely on and trust advice from their parents. Actually, I think you learned that yourself when you spoke with your dad. After you get it all out and lay your feelings on the line, all you can do is hope for the best and watch the chips fall. Good luck, friend. BTW, things often turn out for the best, regardless of how we'd PREFER they turn out at the time, so don't let this rip you apart inside. |
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I've been in your shoes. Buying a house is stressful, especially for someone that worries about stuff as much as I do. I didn't have the additional stress of a pregnant fiancee, but I can definitely understand why you acted like you did. I've also blown my top and told my g/f to leave before. I fought to get her to stay, and she did. Then came another big fight and she finally told me that living together before marriage was too stressful for her and she got her own apartment for 6 months. It was rough man, I was so scared I was going to lose her. She was taking 18 hours of school and working two jobs. We made it through though. She lives with me now and things are better than ever. Everyone has to take their own path, this one is yours. But it doesn't mean things are over.
It's a huge shock to hear that she is pregnant after just moving into a new house. Women don't worry about the same things men do, so she wasn't looking at it the same way you were looking at it. You were worried if you would be able to provide for all three of you and wanted to get your bearings straight. And she was probably thinking how perfect it all was because now you have a new house and it was "perfect" timing with the news of the baby. She's excited about building a home with you. So it was a huge shock to her to see you unexcited. She lost confidence in the relationship and moved back to something she's familiar and comfortable with, her family. It sounds like she needed to be more understanding, but so did you. Maybe it was a break down in communication, but it was most likely two people who's lives were completely changed unexpectedly, and neither of you reacted the way you expected the other to react. Expectations can be detrimental to relationships. When you lose all expectations of the other, I think that's a sign of true love. Because then you love them for who you are and not for doing exactly what you expect. This isn't the end of the world man. It's a learning situation and both of you should learn from it. Build upon it and make a stronger bond between the both of you. You have a family now and you need each other more than ever. If you love her, fight for her damnit. Don't let her slip away. Letting her slip away only reassures what she fears the most: that you don't really care about her. It's not too late to make this work. Good luck man. And be careful with the meds. Sometimes they can do more harm than good. Posted Via AR15.Com Mobile |
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tell her you're sorry, that you've been extremely stressed out about your upcoming responsibilities as a father and y'all's purchase of a home, that there's no excuse for how you've acted, and that you'll do everything to be a good father, whether or not you live with her but that you hope one day she'll forgive you and so you can both live happily ever after with little baby dercot03 as husband and wife. you should've just told her how happy and excited you were about being a father, b/c that's what she needed to hear. don't placate her, but you would't tell her how fat she looked in a new dress would ya? you shoulda told her it might be stressful since this pregnancy was unexpected and y'all've just bought a house, but that together you can make it work. it sounds like she told her parents what happened and they gave her some sound advice. it seems both her and her parents are sending you a message. you need to apologize profusely and hope for the best eta, this is also great advice: Quoted:
Back away from the computer. Go to her parents house––preferably when she is not there. Be a man and they will come on board with you. You might not get her back right away, but if you convince them that you are sincere that you fucked up and have them on board than she will not be too far behind. Remember––and remind her––that it's not just the two of you anymore. |
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Ok guys here we go. I am 24 years old. Me and my fiancee just recently bought a house together. Two days after moving in we found out she was pregnant. This was not expected. I was excited but did not show it. I was overwhelmed with all of the new responsibility that I had made for myself. My first house and now a baby on the way. i became depressed. My fiancee started to tell me that if I cared about her or the baby I would be excited. The thing is I was, it just took me a while to get over the shock of it all. I would ask her to please just stop getting on me about not being excited. That I am excited but it might take a week or two to get over the first shock of it all. Well she couldn't stop. She kept saying how she didn't think we were going to work out and how she felt she was going to have to do this all on her own . I kept trying to reassure her but it did not help. This made me more depressed. One night we got into argument about my lack of being excited and I lost it. I told her her to pack up an leave. And yes I know this was a complete heartless and immature thing to say. I told her I was sorry and that I had been feeling really depressed lately and that I was going to get some help. The next night I went and had dinner with my dad and talked about the whole thing. The conversation with my father completely changed the way i was feeling. I had never had a heart to heart talk with my dad like that and after that I began to treat her like she deserved to be treated. I was loving and showing excitement. Fast forward three nights. I got home from work, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, and made dinner. She called and said she was going to her parents after work and would be home late. She got home and everything seemed ok. Then she dropped a bomb. She said she was leaving and moving in with her parents. I was destroyed. She said she could not get over me telling her to leave. The next morning her and her parents came and got all of her things. This was three weeks ago. I went to the doctor and they put me on medication. I have been talking to someone at church. She came over last night to talk and told me that we are never going to get back together. I am trying to except this but I can't. I still love her with everything in me and I want to be with my baby and its mother. I am in a bad spot guys and just need some advice. I know i was immature. I know I was not acting like a man. I know I was an asshole. The part in red makes me think she has already been second guessing the wedding and this is a way out for her as she can now blame you. Yeah, you were wrong to tell her to leave, but we all say things we don't mean when we are mad. Now a question for you. Do her parents support this arrangement of you living with their daughter, or is this just a convenient way for them to rescue her from you (ie they hated you before the blowup)? Maybe give her some time and try counseling? |
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A child is a blessing you may never get again. You should be very happy. Your girlfriend sensed your lack of enthusiasm and it scared her into thinking she might not be able to count on you. When you told her to get out, it confirmed her fears.
You have dug yourself a very deep hole in the trust department. Yes, you are an asshole. |
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Ok guys here we go. I am 24 years old. Me and my fiancee just recently bought a house together. Two days after moving in we found out she was pregnant. This was not expected. I was excited but did not show it. I was overwhelmed with all of the new responsibility that I had made for myself. My first house and now a baby on the way. i became depressed. My fiancee started to tell me that if I cared about her or the baby I would be excited. The thing is I was, it just took me a while to get over the shock of it all. I would ask her to please just stop getting on me about not being excited. That I am excited but it might take a week or two to get over the first shock of it all. Well she couldn't stop. She kept saying how she didn't think we were going to work out and how she felt she was going to have to do this all on her own . I kept trying to reassure her but it did not help. This made me more depressed. One night we got into argument about my lack of being excited and I lost it. I told her her to pack up an leave. And yes I know this was a complete heartless and immature thing to say. I told her I was sorry and that I had been feeling really depressed lately and that I was going to get some help. The next night I went and had dinner with my dad and talked about the whole thing. The conversation with my father completely changed the way i was feeling. I had never had a heart to heart talk with my dad like that and after that I began to treat her like she deserved to be treated. I was loving and showing excitement. Fast forward three nights. I got home from work, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, and made dinner. She called and said she was going to her parents after work and would be home late. She got home and everything seemed ok. Then she dropped a bomb. She said she was leaving and moving in with her parents. I was destroyed. She said she could not get over me telling her to leave. The next morning her and her parents came and got all of her things. This was three weeks ago. I went to the doctor and they put me on medication. I have been talking to someone at church. She came over last night to talk and told me that we are never going to get back together. I am trying to except this but I can't. I still love her with everything in me and I want to be with my baby and its mother. I am in a bad spot guys and just need some advice. I know i was immature. I know I was not acting like a man. I know I was an asshole. The part in red makes me think she has already been second guessing the wedding and this is a way out for her as she can now blame you. Yeah, you were wrong to tell her to leave, but we all say things we don't mean when we are mad. Now a question for you. Do her parents support this arrangement of you living with their daughter, or is this just a convenient way for them to rescue her from you (ie they hated you before the blowup)? Maybe give her some time and try counseling? Her parents wished we were married before we moved in together. Her mother has always had issues with me for some reason. Me and her father got along fine. |
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hi dercot03: also with your girl there's a lot happening with her body right now hormone and chemical changes that will make her moods very hard to deal with esp if she is first time mom and you first time dad and never been through this before some girls maybe even more uncertain about things at this time and what you said has sent her away on you so you will have to earn her trust back so like everyone has said get at it but understand you may have to bare her wanting you to assure of much more than your feelings through this then comes the blues sometimes after birth so get you some rest and deal with it anything worth while requires work .
John |
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Things folks should learn from these threads: (all may not apply)
1) Don't enter into financial arrangements (to include shared ownership of property) with anyone you are not married to or have a business contract with. 1a) If they're living with you and you're not married, someone needs to be paying rent and the bills need to be clearly divided. Money is the number one issue that causes breakups. Take care of it immediately and set your boundaries. 2) Don't have sex until you're prepared to be a parent 2a) If you must play with fire, wear protection... and still be prepared. 3) The perfectly stoic man is a myth. You will never be capable of acting one way and feeling another for very long. It works in public for short periods, but not with someone you spend a lot of time around. It's going to come out eventually. Make sure that it's something you want them to hear from you. 4) In relationships, either everybody wins or everybody loses. There are no other alternatives. Be a team player. 5) If you truly love someone, it needs to make you stupid. You need to give it everything you can to keep them. They might still kick you in the balls and walk away, but if you truly love them then you don't have a choice. |
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She's probably freaked out too. The thing is, girls are pretty told to expect the guy to bail if she gets pregnant. She was probably scared to death that you'd leave her and unfortunately, you proved that her fears were founded by reacting the way you did. Her harping on you about not being excited was probably her way of saying, "Please be ok with this and say that you'll be here for me and the baby."
Now that everything has played out the way it has I don't know that she'll be able to trust that you'll REALLY be there for her. She may be afraid that the next bump in the road will have you kicking her out again. Right now, what you SAY means nothing. You need to prove yourself with actions. First things first, go to where she is and apologize to her and her parents. Explain why you reacted the way you did and let them know that now that the shock has worn off you can't wait to start your life together and build a family. Next, go buy something for the baby. Not just an outfit from Walmart but something that will become an heirloom. Thirdly, read up on the different things to expect during the pregnancy and when to expect them and every time you talk to her ask if she's experienced this or that yet. All of those things will show that you're invested in y'all's future and in the baby. It may take awhile but odds are she'll come around. Good luck! |
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Ok guys here we go. I am 24 years old. Me and my fiancee just recently bought a house together. Two days after moving in we found out she was pregnant. This was not expected. I was excited but did not show it. I was overwhelmed with all of the new responsibility that I had made for myself. My first house and now a baby on the way. i became depressed. My fiancee started to tell me that if I cared about her or the baby I would be excited. The thing is I was, it just took me a while to get over the shock of it all. I would ask her to please just stop getting on me about not being excited. That I am excited but it might take a week or two to get over the first shock of it all. Well she couldn't stop. She kept saying how she didn't think we were going to work out and how she felt she was going to have to do this all on her own . I kept trying to reassure her but it did not help. This made me more depressed. One night we got into argument about my lack of being excited and I lost it. I told her her to pack up an leave. And yes I know this was a complete heartless and immature thing to say. I told her I was sorry and that I had been feeling really depressed lately and that I was going to get some help. The next night I went and had dinner with my dad and talked about the whole thing. The conversation with my father completely changed the way i was feeling. I had never had a heart to heart talk with my dad like that and after that I began to treat her like she deserved to be treated. I was loving and showing excitement. Fast forward three nights. I got home from work, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, and made dinner. She called and said she was going to her parents after work and would be home late. She got home and everything seemed ok. Then she dropped a bomb. She said she was leaving and moving in with her parents. I was destroyed. She said she could not get over me telling her to leave. The next morning her and her parents came and got all of her things. This was three weeks ago. I went to the doctor and they put me on medication. I have been talking to someone at church. She came over last night to talk and told me that we are never going to get back together. I am trying to except this but I can't. I still love her with everything in me and I want to be with my baby and its mother. I am in a bad spot guys and just need some advice. I know i was immature. I know I was not acting like a man. I know I was an asshole. The part in red makes me think she has already been second guessing the wedding and this is a way out for her as she can now blame you. Yeah, you were wrong to tell her to leave, but we all say things we don't mean when we are mad. Now a question for you. Do her parents support this arrangement of you living with their daughter, or is this just a convenient way for them to rescue her from you (ie they hated you before the blowup)? Maybe give her some time and try counseling? Her parents wished we were married before we moved in together. Her mother has always had issues with me for some reason. Me and her father got along fine. If this is true, I would get together with him and talk. Meet him somewhere away from his place and have a truely heartfelt tears and all conversation. At that point, you should get some indication as to the parent's thoughts about the situation, but from the more rational male side of the pair. |