An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a
 bar. They are having a good time and all agree that
 the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says,
 "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back
 in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you
 buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal
himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree
 that sounds like a nice place.
               
 Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
 where I come from, there's a better one. Over in
 Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you
 buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy
 anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
               
 Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?
Where I come from, there's this place called
 Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your
 first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy
 you your third drink, and then, they take you in the
back and get you laid!"
             
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that
 actually happen to you?"
             
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my
 sister!"

[:D]

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it
to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman
asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on
her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to
know him.  Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she
put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot
looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in
total embarrassment!
All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the
necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put
him on her shoulder and went to church the following  Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" and again the woman ran from the church.
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of
the
parrot,the owner offered the following solution:
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around
5
or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."
"That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough,
just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned
cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung
him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty
fuckin' windy, too!"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called

Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents

in -- what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it
be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.


If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I read this and blew Dr Pepper all over my wireless keyboard and out my
nose.
Borg

Subject: (ATD) Attention to Detail

  Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the
class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that it isnecessary that you not be
disgusted." The  Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass
of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it.  "Go ahead and do the same
thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and
subsequently taking  turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body
and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at them and told them:
"The second important quality is observation. I  sunk
the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people

'Nuther funny
Borg

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss

Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God

or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

      A guy left home for work on Sept. 11 at about
6am to go to his office in the World Trade Center
(103rd Fl). When he got to Manhattan, he decided
instead to spend the morning at his girlfriend's
apartment in the Village. Upon his arrival to her
house, he turned off the phones, TV &  radio and
spent the entire morning with her in her bed.
      At about 11:00am, while still at her place, he
turned his cell phone back on to retrieve his
messages, a second later it rang. His wife was on
the phone screaming at him, "Where in the hell are
you? I've been trying to call you for over two
hours, I've been worried sick about you! Are you
OK!!"
      He unknowingly answered, "Where in the hell do
you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"
Borg