Posted: 7/12/2008 12:49:26 PM EDT
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A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies. Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything ... the full truth. "Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job and a week later you got it back with a big raise?" He slowly nods understandingly. Then she tells him, "Do you remember when the IRS was going to do the big audit on you and a week later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?" He again weakly nods in understanding. Then he strains to ask, "Were there any more times that you cheated on me." Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just one more time." "Ohhhh," he sighs in agony. "You must tell me." "Ok ... but only because you insist, dear," she stammers. "Remember the time when you were elected president of the golf club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?" "Oh yes ... I remember," winced the dying old man. SUDDENLY, he shot up in his bed and exclaimed, "DAMN ... and I won by 45 votes!!" **************************** A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why does it have three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...." **************************** Two rednecks drove to a gas station in another state for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter ?" asked the redneck. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, You win free sex" "O.K. I guess 7, " said the redneck. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two rednecks returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one of them asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex". "2," said the redneck. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back and try again any time." As they walked back to the car, the one redneck said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week." **************************** Corporate Zodiac: Simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out </B> MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing-which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel" ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concering you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager". SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager". CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. **************************** he Ideology and Religion Shit List Author Unknown Agnosticism What is this shit? Agnosticism Maybe there is shit or maybe it happens, maybe not. Altruism Let me give you my shit. Americanism Who gives a shit? Amishism Shit dost occur. Anal Retentivism Keep your shit to yourself. Anglicanism Our shit doesn't stink. Apathism I don't give a shit. Archimedesmism If I had a lever that's long enough, and a place to stand, I can move the earth -- even if it is full of shit. Aristotlism Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape. Aristotlism (2) Shit is real. Asatru If shit happens, blame it on Loki. Atheism I don't believe this shit. Atheism (2) There is no shit. Baptism You are shitting wrong, therefore you'll be punished. Baptist Fundamentalism Shit happens because the Bible says so. Blondism I'm stupid as shit. Branch Davidianism Shit burns. Buddhism If shit happens, it really isn't shit. Bushism Read my lips, no new shit. Calvinism Man is nothing but shit. Capitalism Shit happens, and it'll cost you because that's MY shit. Carmensandiegism Where in the world is that shit happening? Catholicism Shit happens to you because you are BAD. Chauvanism We may be shit, but you can't live without us. Chestertonianism Shit is the farthest thing from shit. Christian Fundamentalism The belief that Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit. Classical Marxism The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again. Clintonism I didn't inhale the shit! Commercialism Let's package this shit. Communism Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit. Computerism Why won't this fucking shit work? Confucianism Confucius say, "Shit happens." Creationism ...And the Lord said "Let there be shit"... Daffy Duckism It's *my* shit! Down, down! Go, go! Miiiiine! Darwinism This shit evolved. Deja Vuism I think this shit happened before, but I'm not sure. Dianeticsism Even shit can make money. Donism I'm gonna' make ya' a shit you can't refuse. Dyslexianism Hits shapnep. Egoism I AM the shit! Employerism This shit is your fault. Energizer Rabbitism Shit happens... and happens... and happens... Environmentalism Recycle this shit. Euphemism Caca happens. Evangelicalism I can heal people -- but oooonly with the help of yourrrrr shit. Evangelicalism (2) God has a wonderful plan for your shit. Evolution Shit is getting better all the time! Existentialism Shit doesn't happen; shit just is. Feminism Men are shit. Garbagism I dump your shit. Geocentrism Our shit is the center of the cosmos! Green Peaceism Save this Shit. Hare Krishnaism Shit happens shit happens shit happens rama rama. Hedonism Shitting is pleasure. Hinduism This shit is not a religion. It is a Way of Life. Hippyism Make peace with shit. Hitchhikerism The answer to all this shit is 42. Interrigationism 'Ve have 'vays of making you shit! Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Jehovah's Witnessism Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read. Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us? Kinisonism Ooh-shit happens! Oo-ooooooooooo! Libertarianism Keep your hands off my shit. Lutheranism Catholicism is shit. Marie Antoinette'ism If they can't afford bread, why don't they get shit instead. Marvinism Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't even shit. Materialism Whoever dies with the most shit wins. Mathematicism Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are: 1) Shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D 2) No shit must exceed SHIT on the boundary of D Josh McDowell-ism Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't see the truth as plain as day is a nincompoop. Josh McDowell-ism (2) Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't agree with me must want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage. McCarthy-ism Are you now, or have you ever been, a shit? Mormonism God sent us this shit. Murphism Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place. Neil Armstrongism This is one small shit for me, but a giant heap for mankind. Neitzscheism A man without a shit is not a man. Neitzscheism2 Shit is dead! Occultism We eat our shit. Paganism Shit is part of nature and makes things grow. Patriotism Give me liberty, or give me shit! Patriotism2 Give me shit, or give me death! Perotism We're in deep shit. Pee-Weeism You can't arrest me for that shit! Politically Correctism Nutritionally Corrected Output happens. Pragmaticism It may be shit, but it works. PTL Club Send us your shit. Republicanism We earned our shit. Quayleism Shite happense. Rastafarian Let's roll that shit up and smoke it. Sherlock Holmes I know where this shit came from. Shi'ite Moslem When Shi'ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie. Stoacism Shit happens -- deal with it. Twelve-Step Meetings God, grant me the serenity to deal with this shit. Unix Shit Happened. Core dumped. Utilitarianism Let's make the best of this shit. Waldoism Where *is* that little shit? **************************** ALIMONY...The fee a woman charges for name dropping. CHARITY...That generous impulse to give away something you have no use for. CHILDHOOD...That happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep. COMMITTEE...A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours. CONCEIT...A form of "I" strain. DIET...Something to take the starch out of you. DIPLOMACY...Saying, "nice doggy," while you're looking around for a rock. EGOTISM...The art of seeing qualities in yourself which others can't see. ...That which enables a man who is in a rut to think he's "in the groove." EGOTIST...A conceited person who thinks he knows as much as you do. ...A person who thinks if he hadn't been born, people would wonder why. FLATTERY...The art of telling a person exactly what he thinks of himself. GIRDLE...An ingenious device invented to keep an unfortunate situation from spreading. HIGHBROW...A person educated beyond their intelligence. LAZINESS...The habit of resting before you get tired. MEMORY...The thing I forget with. OLD AGE...A time of life when men pay more attention to the food than they do to the waitress. PARENTS...People who b e a r infants, b o r e teenagers, and b o a r d newlyweds. PARKING METER...A piggy bank on a hitching post. PARKING SPACE...An area which disappears as you are making a U-turn. POISE...The ability to keep talking while the other person picks up the check. PREJUDICE...Weighing the facts with your thumb on the scale. PROVERB...A short sentence based on long experience. PRUNE...A plum that has seen better days. RELATIVES...People who come to dinner who aren't friends. SKIING...Something you learn in many sittings. SMALL TOWN...A place where it's no sooner done than said. ...A place where everybody knows whose check is good. ...A place where the postmaster knows more than the schoolmaster, but not as much as the telephone operator. SOCIAL GRACE...When you start out on the right foot rather than putting it in your mouth. SOCIAL TACT...Making people feel at home when you wish they were. WAITRESS...A person who thinks money grows on trays **************************** A subatomic particle (one of the gauge bosons). Morons are the particles which transmit the force of Stupidity, in much the same way that gluons transmit the strong force and photons transmit the electromagnetic force. Due to the incredible amount of Stupidity in the universe, it is assumed that morons are at least as abundant as Hydrogen. For many years, morons were theoretically postulated, but it was only in the last few years that morons have actually been observed. The initial discovery of morons was made on Usenet, where they accumulate in messages with titles such as "MAKE.MONEY.FAST". Recently, researchers at America On Line have succeeded in synthesizing morons. No commercial use has been found for them, however. **************************** A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman. "Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off. The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off. The salesman thought it over, and decided maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!" **************************** Dictionary of Dating ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love **************************** QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." : Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes," replied the Genie. "But there's a catch." The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked. The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! "POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferrari's," said the Genie. "Next wish?" "I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "NOW, every lawyer 0 in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "What is your final wish?" The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...." **************************** Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?" **************************** When I was in junior high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts. In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts. ************ And how is YOUR day going? |