Posted: 6/18/2008 4:52:52 PM EDT
| I hear them in church all the time but forget them. Want to share some of yours? |
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Q:What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? A: Somebody who knocks on your door for no apparent reason at all. Q: Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? A: It leads to dancing. There are three sure truths of religion 1.) Jews don't recognize Jesus as savior 2.) Protestants don't recognize the Pope as leader of the church 3.) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store. Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the third hole of Oak Hills Golf Course — a short little par 3, 140 yards over water to the green -- Jesus tees off with an 8 iron and lands his shot just at the edge of the green. Moses grabs his pitching wedge and addresses the ball. Jesus says, "Whoa brother, that's not enough club!" Moses responds, "If Tiger Woods can hit a pitching wedge 140 yards, so can I." Jesus laughs and watches Moses plunk his ball into the middle of the pond. Jesus says, "Come on, I'll walk out on the pond and get your ball so you can drop." Moses says, "Nothing doing. I led God's people out of the Wilderness. Surely I can hit a golf ball as far as Tiger Woods." Jesus says, "Whatever you say, but if it was me, I'd take at least an 9 iron. Just because you can get water out of a rock, does not mean you can hit like Tiger Woods!" Moses frowns, and tees up another ball. He says, "I've watched Tiger. I know I can do this" and swings the pitching wedge with all his might." Again, the ball lands in the water. Showing just a bit more disgust than usual -- golf will do that to you -- Moses takes his last spare ball from his bag and prepares to hit again. Jesus just buries his head in his hands. "Tiger's got nothing on me," Moses says. When the final ball lands in the lake Moses walks down to the edge of the pond and mutters something about Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, Jesus is walking along the cart path toward the green and his ball. Just then, another group of golfers arrives on the adjacent fairway. They watch as Moses walks to the edge of the pond, raises his pitching wedge and commands the waters to part. The other golfers think this crazy old man has lost his mind and ask Jesus, "Who does he think he is? Moses?" Jesus responds, "No, he knows he's Moses. He thinks he's Tiger Woods." |
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So an Irish Roman Catholic Priest is driving down the street and a Rabbi runs the stop sign and slams into the passenger side of his car. Both men get out and look at the damage. After exchanging information and calling the police, the two men take a deep breadth. The Priest says, "You know Rabbi, it is very serendipitous that we ran into each other." The Rabbi says, "Oh yes father it is an omen. We should toast to this, do you have any liquor?" The Priest says, "Ah yes, a great idea indeed. I have a bottle set aside for such an occasion. Would you like a sip of whiskey?" The Priest takes a long swig. Then he hands it to the Rabbi. The Rabbi says, "Thanks Father, but I think I will wait until after the police arrive." |
I like that one . . . 
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The preacher in church tells everyone in the congregation to stand up if you want to go to heaven ... naturally everyone stands up ... After the congregation sits down, the preacher tells everyone who wants to go to hell to stand up ... one man in the back stands up ... the preacher asks him, "Do you really want to go to hell Brother?" The man says, "Not really, but I felt bad that you're the only one standing and I didn't want you to be alone" 
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Guys, while there is nothing wrong with this at all, as I have had to explain before it is a long-standing policy that "joke threads" not be allowed in this forum. This forum is strictly for the serious and respectful discussion of religious beliefs and practices. It is not that we are humorless, just a matter of policy and precedent. I am moving this thread to GD. (No harm, no foul.) I will remind everyone who comes along after the move that, even in GD, the CoC must be observed re: religious beliefs. IOW, keep it nice! 
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Three ministers and their wives took a vacation together. On the way they were involved in a car crash which killed all six. Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven the first minister walked straight up to Peter and said, “I, my friend have dedicated my life to all that is good. Surely I can enter.” Peter explained, “You, my friend, had such a lust of money, that you would not marry untill you met your wife, Penny. You do not belong here. To damnation, you go.” The second minister says to Peter, “My good friend, I have been the upmost person of faith in my time as mortal. Surely, in your heart, you know that this is true.” “Hold on”, said Peter. “You have craved alcohol in your whole time of being, that you would not marry until your wife, Ginny, stammered into your life. Away to eternal flame you go!” The third minister walked up to Peter, looked at him, and then turned to his wife and said, “Come on, Fanny, we’re out of here.” 
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Father Phelan was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course. It was an obsession. It was 4:00AM on Sunday morning and it looked like it would be a picture-perfect day for golf. The sun was rising, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was pleasant and rising. The good Father couldn't resist. He called a Parish assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not say Mass, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where he felt no one would know him. He was first there and first out by himself, another good break. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching Father Phelan and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Have a look at Father Phelan. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. "I'll take care of it." After a double on the first hole, the good Father teed up on the second. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 260 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "I did. Think about it; who can he tell?" |
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Once there was a man who was an extremely devout Christian. He believed firmly in the power of prayer. If something bad happened, he prayed for help. If something good happened, he prayed in thanks. If he had to make a choice, he prayed for guidance. He prayed on behalf of his friends, his relatives, and people he met on the Internet. Nevertheless, he had problems. He worked like a dog, yet he never had quite enough money to pay the bills and was deeply in debt. His wife was irritable and sickly and had been making him sleep on the couch since the late eighties. His college-age daughter was flunking half her classes and only called home when she wanted money, and his high school age son was flunking all his classes and spent a most of his time in his room smoking things that smelled odd. One day the Christian got down on his knees and poured his heart out. "Oh Lord, You know that I'm devoted to You. I make time every single day for prayer. Yet my financial life's a mess, my marriage is a mess, my kids are a mess. My next-door neighbor is an atheist, and he has a great job, a lovely, devoted wife, and a daughter who's going to be class valdictorian. What's the deal?" And God, with a voice like thunder from the sky, said, "He doesn't bother me all the time." 
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Moses, Jesus, and an old man were playing golf. Moses looks around for a few seconds and then tee's off and it's a slice heading right for water. Moses starts thinking to himself, 'How am I going to get out of this situation?' When he finally came up with a solution, he walked to the water, waved his pitching wedge up and down, side to side. The water parts he goes to his ball and chips it up onto the gree. Jesus looks around for a minute and then tee's off and his ball sliced as well, into the same water. He starts thinking of how He will get out of this situation and gets an idea. He walks out on top of the water, the golf ball rises to the top and He chips it up onto the green. The old man steps up and looks around for a few minutes and then finally tee's off. Slice, his ball is heading for that same pond of water when all of a sudden a fish jumps out of the water and catches the golf ball, an eagle swoops down and catches the fish as the eagle starts flying away it runs into the flagpole and drops the fish, the fish smacks the ground, the golf ball pops out of the fishes mouth and rolls into the hole. Jesus turns around and says "Aw Dad, stop fooling around and play golf will ya!" |
I didn't know, sorry. When I said "church" jokes I meant those that you could tell in church not about church. |
Nothing to be sorry about and you didn't do anything wrong -- it would just be unfair/inconsistent not to move this one when it's the policy and I've had to move all the others in the past. Hope you understand!
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| Jesus is at the well with the prostitute that was about to be stoned to death, when He says, "he who is without sin may cast the first stone." Naturally all walk away. Jesus turns around and starts to walk away also, when a rock goes whizzing by His head and strikes the gal square in the forehead, killing her. Jesus turns around and says: "Mom I hate it when you do that!" |
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Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit. Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us? Hinduism: This shit happened before. Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad. Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama. T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit. Atheism: No shit. Jehova's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens. Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening. Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind. Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit. Existentialism: What is shit anyway? Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me. Replace "shit" with something you think will fly in church.
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No problem. You seem to be the best mod I seen in action here so far. |