Posted: 2/28/2008 7:12:16 AM EDT
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I have always noticed how many "Does ....... make me gay?" or "What would you do if......." I have realized that many of the younger men in this forum are lacking in Man guidance. So why don't we start a Man Rules thread. I'll start off with a few of my favorites. "No matter how good the "THWAAACK" of slapping your crank against a chicks ass may sound. Her face makes a MUCH more satisfying target" Do not go to a post-sunset movie with any other man all of the following are true (A) There is full frontal nudity and/or a minimum 8 onscreen deaths (B) There is an "anti-gay" empty seat between you (C) The movie is rated R The "bitch" seat of a car may never be called, it can only be relegated or surrendered to. Anyone who calls the bitch seat will be made to walk. The only dog competions your ever allowed to see are eather at a track or in a tin shed in Tiquana. Under no circumstances will any man have a dog that is smaller then the distance between his elbow and the tips of his fingers. If you tweeze your eyebrows don't forget to tweeze your labia also When relaying a hookup story to buddies, her chest size is FAR more important then her name. If a woman asks you to get rid of your dog, promply murder her cat infront of her. Throw the corpse to your dog and as he starts to eat, turn to her and say..."no" Remember girls are for keeping, ho's are for sharing. Don't be rude. Anything that gets a girl nakid is NOT a lie. It is ok if your wife/girlfriend can fix something you cannot. Provided the next time you have sex, you get to do her doggystyle. It's a balance thing. Before you get married, ask yourself this question. What is better, laying in the arms of a woman you love, trust and love. Or waking up missing the blankets, the sheets stuck up your ass, a hot nakid woman laying next to you and both of you covered in a mixture of reporductive fluids. If you have ever put on a fake tan, put out an APB for your missing testicals Memorize the age of consent in your state and atleast 50 of the surrounding states. Anything you say or promise while drunk is inadmissable and cannot be enforced. Feel free to add anymore rules........... |
Related: Years ago I was riding at about 60 MPH with the visor of my helmet cracked open aprox one inch and I was yawning, then I noticed it, if you ride you know what I mean, that ever so amall speck in the distance.......................As you start to focus your attention on the object you realize that it is coming right for your head, there is no avoiding the object and you must brace for impact. Well I was mostly ready for the object (turned out to be a June bug, a big one) but while yawning and trying to focus on the object and the road at the same time I forgot the visor was cracked open The bug hit the rim of the visor splitting it into a thousand pieces of June bug guts that went directly past my mouth impacting my uvula and the back of my throat.I gagged a couple of times before throwing up in my helmet. I managed to get the bike out of traffic and as I stood on the side of the interstate with my helmet on full of vomit up to the chin I pondered my next move. I finnaly decided (after what seemed like a lifetime) to take off the helmet and with it came: Lunch Bug guts and a frest lip of Skoal I will never forget the horrified look on the little girls face as she looked on from the Suburban as it passed. Was that handled in a manly way, I dont know but I rode the next 300 miles covered in puke with no helmet before checking into a hotel. |
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1. Rare or slightly medium rare steaks ONLY. 2. Men are NOT vegetarians. 3. Men should NOT put mouse, hair spray, or any other styling chemicals on their hair. 4. Men should NOT wear those funny looking leather sandals with polo shorts. 5. A real man should, at least, know how to perform all preventative maintenance on his own vehicle. 6. A real man takes VERY good care of his kids and treats his wife as if she were a princess. (this should take priority over all other things, such as fishing, hunting, golf, etc.) 7. A man should know how to survive in the wilderness alone for (at least) 3 days. 8. A man should know how to control his drinking. This is just off the top of my head, I probably could think of more. |
Yes, you are not only a man but you must have some serious intestinal fortitude to go another 300 miles. ONE GOLD MAN CARD FOR m-dc! |
I actually like a man that takes the few extra minutes to style or comb his hair. I find it very sexy 
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No women.....now go make us all a sammich! 
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I see. Well, I'm off to go kill my GF's cats then. This'll be fun, because she has several of them. 
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and she'll have one less boyfriend.  And who said this? Sam Kinison? There's a reason he's dead.. No matter how good the "THWAAACK" of slapping your crank against a chicks ass may sound. Her face makes a MUCH more satisfying target |
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At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men ARE not mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yours elf. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. |
I don't know... Pepperoni, Onion, Garlic, Green Olive, with hot sauce it pretty good. Edit: alternatively Hot Gardinara. mmmmm.... spicy. |
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1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer. |
You mean like Olive Drab, Foliage Green, Desert Tan, Flat Dark Earth, etc.  
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This rule does NOT apply to fishing lures!!! Pumkinseed and chartruse are colors, and god damn it I dont care who knows!!! |
Cool colors like that don't count. And pumpkinseed and chartruse are allowable when talking lures
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You seem to have an unhealthy obsession with homosexuality. How about: "If you think about homosexuals, or gay-ness in general, more than once a day, you may be a closet queen".
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1.Any Man who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed by his mates. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When she is using her teeth. 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. 8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alco-pop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. 12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean. 20. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 24. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes. 26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo. 29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 3. End of story. |
a big fat +1 |