Posted: 1/29/2008 7:52:31 PM EDT
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What do the NFL and the movie "Brokeback Mountain" have in common? They both have Cowboys that suck! |
Three politicans in a bar were discussing where they liked their wives to be during sex. The Republican said, "On the bottom, of course, as God intended".  The Independent said, "I see nothing wrong with the woman being on top." The democrat said, "I prefer my wife to be out of town." :} |
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O.K. since the blonde jokes are open for play: Three blondes are trapped on an island where they happen upon a bottle on the beach. In the process of struggling for possesion of the bottle it becomes uncorked where-upon a Genie emerges. Since the Genie is unable to tell which of the three actually freed him, he decides that each will get one wish instead of one getting all three wishes. So, the Genie asks the first one what do you wish for to which he gets the reply "I want to be smart enough to figure out how to get of this island" Poof, the blonde is now a red-head who jumps into the lake and swims to the mainland. The second blonde states that she want's to be smarter than the last one because that looks like too much effort to swim to shore. Poof. She is now a brunette who makes a sailboat and sails to shore. The third asks to be even smarter. Poof. The third blonde is now a man who remembers where they parked and drives over the bridge to the mainland. Old joke, I know. <----- <runs-and-hides-before-the-women-show-up> |
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An atheist was walking through the woods. > "What majestic trees"! > "What powerful rivers"! > "What beautiful animals"! > He said to himself. > > As he was walking alongside the river, he heard > a rustling in the bushes > behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot > grizzly charge towards > him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He > looked over his shoulder > & saw that the bear was closing in on him. > > He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear > was even closer. He tripped > & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick > himself up but saw that the > bear was right on top of him, reaching for him > with his left paw > & raising his right paw to strike him. > > At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my > God!" > > Time Stopped. > The bear froze. > The forest was silent. > > As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice > came out of the sky. > > "You deny my existence for all these years, > teach others I don't exist > and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do > you expect me to help > you out of this predicament? Am I to count you > as a believer"? > > The atheist looked directly into the light, "It > would be hypocritical of > me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a > Christian now, but perhaps you > could make the BEAR a Christian"? > > "Very Well," said the voice. > > The light went out. The sounds of the forest > resumed. And the bear > dropped his right paw, brought both paws > together, bowed his head & spoke: > > "Lord bless this food, which I am about to > receive from thy bounty > through Christ our Lord, Amen." |
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A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.' Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.' |
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TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex . These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. Men need to know when to STHU.  |
I'll send the bill for my keyboard to you. It'll be extensive because they're going to have to pick Orange pulp out of it. 
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