Posted: 1/23/2007 10:23:05 AM EDT
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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Dooner, and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog......Well, duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO. I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds by the time I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital? I said no.....I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my butt when a car hit me. The guy behind her was laughing so hard I thought he might need to be carried out the door. 
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When people ask me stupid questions I give them stupid answers. Somehow Im naturally good at this. My best friend is in the Marines, and I was at his barracks in my Jeep picking him and his fiance up to go eat a nice dinner. I have a dog, and Id left a couple cans of food on the back seat. The girl gets in the back and asks me if I have a dog. It came out totally without thinking, but I said " No. I got that in case you got hungry!". My best friend just smirked even though I know he was laughing heavily inside. He couldnt bust out infront of his girl you know.... She just sort of got a dumb look on her face and was confused. Lets just say she isnt the brightest bulb to ever come out of the factory. For me I dont get how seeing dog food wouldnt immediately mean its for a dog. What else besides dogs eat DOG FOOD? How the two dont connect in some people is beyond me. 
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Peel the label off of a can of dog food and stick it on a can of beef stew or corned beef hash. Then open the newly labeled can in public and start eating. 
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My wife. When we were dating, I had a bag of those beef-jerky looking doggie treats sitting on the front seat of my truck. Like the gentleman that I am, I opened her door for her and by the time I got back around to my side of the truck........well......you guessed it, right? Needless to say I was laughing so hard I nearly peed in my pants and she did not want or get a "good night" kiss that night. |