[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Is there Life after Cheating? (Page 1 of 4)
Posted: 7/26/2006 6:46:01 AM EDT
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For me the answer is no. But here's the situation: A buddy of mine "Tom" has been living with his girlfriend for the past few months. They've been quote dating unquote for quite a bit longer. They waited on moving in together, so not to make any quick decisions. But I noticed that ever since they did move in together somethings not quite right. So, last night the two of us are drinking some beer and he lets it all out. Right before they moved in together she went to some stupid party at a coworkers house. My friend was at work that night and long story short, she wound up sleeping with her coworker. The next week she did it again, while "Tom" was at work. The week after that someone that "Tom" doesn't know tipped him off to it. After the confrontation, she admitted to it all. Some lengthy apologizing from her later, they decide to stay together. So now we're up to last night. "Tom" tells me they sleep in the same bed but don't talk. Apparently she has a date with another guy this weekend and "Tom" is pretty messed up about it. He says that he really cares about her, and I'm sure he does, but doesn't know what to do. The whole episode brought up some serious trust issued between "Tom" and his girlfriend. He, understandably, got a bit concerned and questioning about her going out and not wanting him to come with her. Just her and her girlfriends. This naturally put her in a defensive attitude and she thinks he's trying to control her life. "Jill" wants them to look like they are happy for when her mom is here in a couple weeks. She is having foot surgery and will be staying at the house for a month in recovery. "Jill" would be embarrassed if her mom knew that they weren't together because her mom has said "Tom" is the best thing to ever happen to her [Jill]. My advice was run, but he wants to work it out. Even though "Tom" is my friend, and I'm pulling for him.....I don't see how they can ever be whole again. I damn sure wouldn't trust her for a second. I'm a divorced guy, similar situation, so maybe I'm biased. Hence why my answer is [no] there is no life after cheating  |
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He's a fool if he stays. She sees now that she can cheat and see other people and walk all over him. It's probably not going to stop, and even if it did that initial breach of trust (more than once even) will always be a black mark on their relationship. Cut ties and move on. |
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I would say no as well. If either partner cheats, how can the other partner ever really trust that person again? Particularly if, as in this case, she did it twice with the same person. Maybe if there were extremely unusual circumstances (i.e. someone putting a drug into your drink) one incident could be repaired, but going back for more, no way. If he's only been with her for a few months, they should just split, it should save them (particularly "Tom") a lot of trouble. |
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That sounds like me last night. Once trust is broken, what's one more time? you know, I can just apologize for it and everything will be okay. That's why I'm divorced, everything was not okay.  
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He should ditch her right now. No hesitation whatsoever. She is walking all over him so bad it's pathetic. Personally, I'm the kind of man who thinks that cheating by either party merits a public flogging for the guilty party. I know that there are rare, very rare, instances where someone has cheated but repented and been faithful after, but I just don't know if I could summon up enough forgiveness for such a person. |
I agree. Plus it looks like she is ready to move on. |
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Yea, I figured that's the response I would get. I forgot to put this in the main post but here's the kicker: "Jill" wants them to look like they are happy for when her mom is here in a couple weeks. She is having foot surgery and will be staying at the house for a month in recovery. "Jill" would be embarrassed if her mom knew that they weren't together because her mom has said "Tom" is the best thing to ever happen to her [Jill]. Crazy huh 
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They're living together and she's got a date this weekend with another guy? Holy Cow. That is what we call a CLUE! That woman has got some serious issues. Her behavior is not that of a mature adult human being. I don't know what her problem is but she is just using your friend. Like an Enron 401-k, it's over. If "Tom" ever wants to be able to look in the mirror again, he needs to end it immediately. |
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So, let me get this straight. Guy & girl are together...a couple. Guy & girl live together. Girl has: Fucked her male coworker "friend".....twice. Girl fesses up only once she's been busted. After all of this...."his" girl has lined up a "date" with another guy next weekend. Girl & guy don't have a relationship worth shit. If your buddy has as much as a SINGLE question as to what he should do, he's absolutely, 100% a complete MORON. IDIOT. SUCKER. And DOOR MAT. He's LIVING WITH A 2-BIT WHORE. He has NO relationship. He is given ZERO respect. He gets more respect from STRANGERS than he can expect from "his" girl. Your buddy is dead and he doesn't even know it....what a sad case. As if you don't already know the answer....your buddy needs to DUMP THAT WHORE IMMEDIATELY and salvage what little dignity remains. Tell her to have fun on her "date" and when she's gone, remove EVERYTHING of hers from the house, pile it on the street & change the locks. Anything less, and he's a pussy of such magnitude that he might as well jam a foot long tampon in his mouth and live like what he really is. The shit some guys put up with....absolutely incredible. |
Its already ended. I would recommend Tom move into his own place and set some boundaries for himself and his girlfriend. First they need to decide what it is they want from each other and of course the broader since - Life. To do so they should have no contact with each for at least a month. Then if feelings are the same they should work together on building a relationship. I believe if Tom gives himself a month of time he will see he can live quite well with out her and she will be free to have sex with whom ever she wants, when ever she wants. I'm very sorry about your buddy. He's lucky to have you as a friend. Patty *ETA* I just read the part about Mummy moving in. What a POS this "Jill" is and what's really funny is she knows it. |
Harsh, but absolutely true. Its easier to talk about things like that than it is to look you're best friend in the eyes, see his pain, and tell it like it is. Thanks for you're comments everyone. I'm still working out what I can do for "Tom". I've already set aside the money if he needs to get out of his lease. No problems there, just waiting on his word. |
Patty.....what part of this girls actions would indicate to you that she's worth her weight in shit? What part would indicate she's worth any more time than it takes to FULLY remove her, her belongings and ANY trace of her from this guys home? You're actually suggesting that this guy accomodate, in ANY way, a process of reconciliation with that pig? |
Have him read the replies here, from objective strangers, uneffected by the emotions of being personally involved. This guy needs a back bone transplant in the worst way....apparently his has turned to mush. |
Same here- I've been through something like that- worse, actually- twenty-two years ago. Should have never taken her back. Worst thing I ever did. Thankfully I got a scholarship to go study in W. Germany for two years, so I put an ocean between her and me. Then she was gone from my life after that. That was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Tell him GTFO now, but don't be surprised if he sticks with her and eventually tells her what you said. People can be pretty stupid sometimes.... |
No, you've mis-understood my point. You see you and I can see this black and white but Tom here can't. Tom loves the woman and as we all know love screws with your mind and heart. He can't see past that, all he can see is maybe things will work out. What he needs to do is remove himself from the relationship, back away and give himself time to think about what direction he wants to go. Only then will he be able to see WTF this woman is doing to him. Patty |
Ooooh... What a perfect time for him to bring everything out in the open. 
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He'll NEVER do it....he sounds WAY too whipped to do ANYTHING like that...but it's absolutely a good idea. Time for "Jill" to get fucked one last time. |
I guess the part of your post where you say "First they need to decide what it is they want from each other and of course the broader since - Life" threw me off. Because when you say "they" that would include the girl as well. It would seem to me that indicates what she feels/thinks/needs has one shred of importance...which it does not. If your reply used "he" and not "they" I wouldn't have even commented. |
Is there really any question about what your friend needs to do? He has two choices. 1. Leave or kick her out so he can look himself and his friends in the eye and go on the find a real woman. 2. Accept the fact that he will always be getting sloppy seconds, will always be paranoid, will hang on to her until she finds better. |
Well I believe she has already decided what she wants out of life. I'm a lot like this guy. I keep looking for ways to make my relationship work. I can sympathize with him greatly. Of course I'm married and have children so I have more of a commitment. I think its admirable to a point that someone is willing to put their pride aside for the sake of the relationship, but in this point there is no relationship. The woman has made her bed and is trying to force him to sleep in it. He'll be happier in two weeks of being on his own, I can guarantee it. |
Sadly, you're right. |
