Posted: 2/3/2006 9:18:57 AM EDT
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"ARMY Rank Descriptions" General - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, walks on water, and talks to God. Colonel - Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm, and claims to talk to God. Lt. Colonel - Leaps short buildings w/ a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if a special request is approved. Major - Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotive, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God. Captain - Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun w/ out inflicting self-injury, can dog-paddle, and talks to animals. 1 Lt. - Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammo, can stay afloat if properly instructed on use of a life jacket, and talks to water. 2 Lt. - Falls over door steps when trying to enter a building, says "look at the choo-choos," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself. Sergeant - Lifts tall buildings and walks under all of them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches bullets in their teeth and chews them up, freezes water with a single glance, and claims to be God. |
got a different version of this:
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The Army...... Rank Recognition in the Navy Admiral Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God. Captain Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God. Commander Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved. Lieutenant Commander Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God. Lieutenant Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals. Lieutenant Junior Grade Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads. Ensign Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself. Chief Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it, HE IS GOD. |
Nice try, but everbody knows the Navy doesn't have locomotives.
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The Original version came out about some time during the Viet Nam War. When I was going to AIT (the next stop after Basic) the Definitions of Rank was posted at some building (I forget just which one). The Original had an Army Engineering Company in Germany as the Original Authors. As this was 1975 the Navy has my permission to put in THEIR version of the ranks. By the way, where is the Air Force Definition of Ranks?  
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I can remember it doing the rounds in the Royal Navy in the mid 70's ANdy |
I got this in an email earlier today and it was an Air Force version. Sergeant was place in the stead of Tech Sergeant. |
When General Patton died after World War 2 he went to the gates of Heaven to talk to St. Peter. The first thing he asked is if there were any Marines in heaven. St. Peter told him no, Marines are too rowdy for heaven. He then asked why Patton wanted to know. Patton told him he was sick of the Marines overshadowing the Army because the did more with less and were all hard-core sons of bitches. St. Peter reassured him there were no Marines so Patton went into Heaven. As he was checking out his new home he rounded a corner and saw someone in Marine Dress Blues. He ran back to St. Peter and yelled "You lied to me! There are Marines in heaven!" St. Peter said "Who him? That’s just God. He wishes he were a Marine." 
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"Air Force Rank Descriptions" Ted - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, walks on water, and talks to God. Bob - Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm, and claims to talk to God. Harry - Leaps short buildings w/ a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if a special request is approved. Jake - Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotive, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God. Ben - Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun w/ out inflicting self-injury, can dog-paddle, and talks to animals. Steve. - Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammo, can stay afloat if properly instructed on use of a life jacket, and talks to water. Pete - Falls over door steps when trying to enter a building, says "look at the choo-choos," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself. The Other Ted - Lifts tall buildings and walks under all of them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches bullets in their teeth and chews them up, freezes water with a single glance, and claims to be God. There you go. 
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