Posted: 11/14/2005 10:49:16 AM EDT
I have to go #2 at work, when I'm done and I re-tuck in my shirt and redo my belt it never feels quite right? Something always feels weird, like the shirt is tucked too tight or too loose or there is too much slack or not enough slack, etc. What's up with that? 
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i hate work dumping, but this calls for the posting of the infamous "how to poop at work" [runs off to find it] ETA: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom |
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the six year old in me laughs whenever this comes up, and to complete the thread in a nice fashion, and to complement BeetleBailey's list, I present to you the various poops that one may encounter. The POOP List Ghost Poop The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poop in the toilet. Clean Poop The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poop The kind where you wipe you butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your cheeks and your under wear so you don't stain them. Second Wave Poop This happens when you're done poop-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more. Pop-A-Vein (In your forehead) Poop The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poop The kind of poopie that is so large that you're afraid to flush it down the toilet with out breaking it into little pieces with the toilet... or the kind you write home to mother about. Gassy Poop It's so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling! Drinker Poop The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticable trait is the marks on the bottom of the toilet. Richard Simmons Poop The kind you have to do so bad that you sweat 30 pounds off and smile about it! The "Gee I Wish I Could Poop" Poop The kind where you want to poop but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Poop That's where it hurts so bad that you would swear it was coming out sideways. Wet Cheeks Poop (The POWER DUMP Poop) The kind that comes out your butt so fast that our butt cheeks get splashed. Upper Class Poop When your SH*T don't stink. Mexican Poop When your poop stinks so bad that your nose burns and your flowers die. The Surprise Poop (AKA The Shart)You're not even at the toilet because you have fart when OOP's, a poop (usually a wet one) The dangling Poop This poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping it - you just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. Liquid poop The yellow-brown slurpy stuff that gets all over the toilet when you miss. |
You forget "The Netter." The Netter Poop - Where your butt hairs after a long, hard, and sweaty work day, have intertwined and formed a "net" over your turd slicer. As the processed food exits the tunnel, it gets caught in the net. The hairs are ripped out by the immense force and forward momentum of the exiting pooh. Needless to say, this causes tremendous agony. This is an especially embarrassing poop if you are in a public or work restroom where your screams can be easily overheard. |
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