Posted: 5/6/2005 6:46:15 PM EDT
| The wife asked for a separation last night. She thinks we need time apart to get our priorities straight, and to take a closer look at our marriage situation. She seems to want to make it work, but we are definitely going through with the separation. Do separations ever work out? Is this just the first step toward the end, or could this make our relationship stronger? I love my wife, and we have a 13 month old daughter. Does anyone have an opinion on this? Just looking for advice. |
Ditto.  Doc, if you still love your wife, if you want to save your marriage, DO NOT separate. It rarely helps, and does more harm than good. You have my prayers. Brace yourself, because you are about to undergo some of the most trying times of your life. IM me if you want to chat. Damn........... Another one.... ETA: Double damn! With a kid!
|
As you know deployments are a killer on the marriage... I really had NO say in the matter. She sent divorce papers while I was engaged in Desert Storm/Shield. I'm good to go now though. Fuckin tore my heart out then, though. |
How did you do it? It sounds like you were together longer before the separation than we have been. What would you say is the most important part of salvaging the situation? |
|
Unless she opened with a detailed statement beginning "I talked to a lawyer, and he said a legal separation. . . ," she wants a divorce but lacks the guts to say so. Gird for battle, if there is anything to fight over. Consult a lawyer next week in any event. IMO You will be receiving divorce papers before the year is out, and probably within a week of the time school lets out for summer. Sorry. I deal with this stuff for a living. 99/100+, separation = divorce. Best of luck. Hide your guns. Don't be alone with her until she either files for divorce or convinces your most cynical male friend that she really loves you and wants to be your wife forever. To repeat myself, gird for battle, if there is anything to fight over. Do it now. |
That is what she is telling you unfortunately it is most probably not the truth. Good luck. |
Sorry to bring up a painful memory. I watched a bunch of my friends in the Army go through that when we were in Korea. Being deployed like that makes it even harder, you're pretty much helpless. |
Do whatever it takes, counseling... Beg for her to go. Bn Chaplins are great counselors I've found out...! Oh and put you kid gloves on. 
|
My brother and his wife separated for a time. They now have two beautiful children, (Robert and Allison) and are very happily married. So, yes that can work out. I hope things work out for you. Vulcan94 1000 posts! W00T! |
|
Well, there was a time my wife and I sperated for about 2 years. Yes we got back together but it sure as hell wasn't easy and I must say we are probably the exception and not the rule. I can also tell you that the seperate IMHO hurt us more then helped us. My wife however may disagree. Sgatr15 |
|
I think the young baby is having a HUGE influence on her right now. She may even be suffering from some sort of depression from no longer being preggars. Hopefully she has talked to a doctor and he has her on vitamines at least, because her body is being SAPPED on nutrients right now and that DOES affect a persons mind. Her being concerned about falling in a "pattern" is a odd thing to say since new mothers usually WANT stability when they have a child. She needs to be talking to someone and also to you. I don't she she is fully understanding what she is feeling and it is causing her frustration. She needs to talk. Sgatr15 |
| This is a tough one. Is she open to going to a counselor? Sometimes as some of the guys alluded to, there maybe someone else already involved. Separation without some sort of mediation at first kind of leads me to believe that there are issues or persons that she is not telling you about. Good luck and best wishes. |
She's not cheating on me. She is seeing a therapist regularly. The therapist is helping her through this and has layed out a plan for her, the first part anyway. We are going to start marriage counseling after I move out. That's her therapists suggestion. I'm going to do counselling and all that stuff too. I'll be doing everything I can. I really want this to work. |
I'm glad it worked out. I wouldn't be suprised if we had some of the same issues, considering we both have similar medical conditions. How did it hurt things if you don't mind me asking? Oh, and I was wondering, do women really get post partum depression a year and a half after delivering? |
| Women think differently than men about separation ... to them, it can mean reconciliation. To us, it means all is lost. her plans now may or may not involve getting back together, smothering her and putting her in an emotional cage will make sure you dont. How you act now will determine whether or not it works. Be strong, be a man, be confident. Give her some room. Make her miss the man she married. |
|
Get into family counseling ASAP with a good doctor. Do a recon in advance before signing up. Right now the two of you are failing as a married couple - for any one of many reasons. Counseling will help. Every one of my sailors that I got to go into counseling with their wife came through and stayed married until I lost touch with them. The ones that refused, even after me warning and begging them, failed. That could be an indication of a willingness to work at the marriage or just that the thing was too far gone but counseling has worked. Nobody teaches a course in marriage, just like the baby didn't come with an owner's manual. We take it for granted that we'll be taught how to drive a stupid car with a steering wheel, brakes, an accelerator and a few other controls but nobody teaches us how to run a marriage. We more than often imitate our parents success or failures. I had a girl friend that I was so close to getting married to. We dated for a few years until I saw her becoming her drunken father and trying to drag me into her addiction ('ludes). If you're Catholic I know that they have pretty good counseling too. Two of my best friends are Catholic and have had successfully experiences with two different churches in counseling. Having a faith based foundation is very helpful. You have to decide right here, right now tonight if your wife and child are worth the effort. If the answer is yes then you've got a new eight hour a day job starting tonight. I gotta go hug and kiss my wife of 18 years now. Good luck man. I wish you the best. |
+1 in your case The five or six seperations I have seen up close were opposite of the expected If they amicably decided to seperate, they never got back together If they had bad words and feelings(big fights, one thrown out or left) they reconciled Now that I am thinking about it, it makes sense Big fight, quick termination of relationship=chaos, unsure what relationships\lifestyle to cultivate (Am I single, or still part of a couple?) Decision making process and planning before leaving=setup to make it in new life, big comfort zone (I am single, lets see if I prefer it!) Good luck |
Very thoughtful response. I will be thinking about this. Yes, I am Catholic. My wife is too, she's finishing her masters at Catholic University(she's been in Catholic school her whole life). My mother is a Catholic school teacher, so is hers. They are both broken apart over this. I thought about the counseling through the church, and I think after hearing this I will follow through. My priest is mad at me because my daughter got away during communion one sunday and ran up around the alter, I hope he's over it. In any case, I think I'll be working on my new 8 hour a day job very seriously. There is a lot to do.
This is my game plan exactly. I am going to respect her decision, and be strong through this ordeal. Maybe this will cause her to regain some respect for me. If I bitch and moan and try to trap her through guilt or pity, I think it will end badly. I don't want her to feel trapped like you said either. We think alike it seems. You should be scared.
|
You should suggest / require some serious marriage counseling BEFORE even considering a separation. You need a third party to help you identify what the hell you two are doing wrong, and give some good suggestions on how to correct the problem(s). Your Communication is already for shit - Separation will NOT magically make it better. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is too much of a crapshoot for my liking. |
Ummmmm....... I know you mean well, but that will be like kicking her ovaries up against the roof of her skull. It won't help. Now, if you want to say something, say "If you want a separation, fine, but our daughter is remaining home, and I'm not leaving, so..." It puts the priority on the KID (which is important), and lets you stand your ground. I still believe extended separations are bad news. If you want to take the kid to grandma's for a weekend and spend the weekend apart, that's one thing, but don't separate for longer than that (especially without ACTIVE, FREQUENT, and QUALITY counseling), because the mind runs rampant, and you'll start making stuff up that never happened. Separation and divorce sucks. BTDT. BTW, if you have never found your faith before, you WILL during this time. Trust me. It will help YOU, too. |
I wish it were just this site, but it's not. It's universal. I have bumped into SO many people who have gone through this, it boggles the mind. Best advice I've received? "Trust me, it gets better. It DOES get better." Hang in there. We ought to start a friggin' Divorce Forum. It would probably have just as much traffic as GD. 
|
|
After my experiences with Women, There are three ways to look at your problem. 1)She is really bored and unhappy with the life she has with you. The child the two of you have is what's keeping her from leaving. She is asking for the separation to buy a little time to decide whether she is going to broom your ass and take your paycheck, or suck up her losses and wait until the daughter grows up and moves out or she slaves you out to your job until the point that you are enough of a cash cow to live off of on child support. 2)She wants a divorce but doesn't have the testicular fortitude to tell you. 3)She may be mentally PHucked uP. Given women's attitudes these days, they expect the life from their men that they see on TV. You are not successful as a couple because you aren't providing her with enough excitement. See, With women, they still expect you to be Rico Suave, Don Juan, Joe Millionaire, and that that cute guy she saw dancing at the club before she met you but couldn't get a date with. If this sounds like your wife, then she's not grown up yet and you should never have married her in the first place. I was recently engaged to a woman who "got bored" while we were both working 60+Hrs. a week trying to put the money together for a nice wedding and buy a house. She didn't make 4 months before she started whining about being bored. "Ohh, we never go out anymore." "Oh, the magic isn't there like when we met", "Oh, I'm just not happy.", "Ohh, I wish we could go out to the club with my girlfriends", "Oh, I think you should have as nice a car as so-and-so's husband", and on and on. I didn't make her work the hours she did, nor did I make her take an afternoon shift. But, it somehow ended up being my fault that our relationship was boring-nevermind how often I got to do the things I used to like to do before we met.... Anyway, back to your situation. It sounds like your wife is having Buyer's Remorse. To her credit, she's seeing a counselor (So is/was mine) which says she has a modicum of moral direction, or needs it as an excuse for why she needs to leave (i.e. "I'm just fucked up") Whatever the case, one thing is for sure: She's directing this movie. She has a plan. She acts, and you REact. I know you love your wife and want to work to make things better and hopefully enjoy a blissful marriage, but it may not happen the way you think it will and you need to prepare yourself and find a way to insulate yourself from what is very likely to be a divorce in the works. Sorry to hear it man, been there. Dave ETA: Two more things: 1) Do you feel you need personal. individual counselling? 2) A separation may not be a good idea for very long. 2-3 months tops. Much longer than that, and she will get tired of being alone and will find a surrogate man. You probaby won't be able to forgive her for that even if you manage to tell her that you don't have a problem with her dating. |
|
Sorry to hear this bud and I assure you if I understood women I would write a book and get rich. I can tell you that my mom and dad separated twice but ended life together as a couple. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. I do know that you are 50% of the equation but 50% doesn't equal a majority so there is simply so much you can do or not do. Knowing what you want therefore is half the equation and not acting on your 50% not wise. I do know people want what they can't have or others want. What a person does with this knowledge depends on the circumstance. Sorry to give advice in such a macro manner but I honestly feel you can't pass on enough information for any of us to actually know your circumstanes. Good luck buddy. Tj |