Posted: 11/27/2004 3:27:50 PM EDT
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I have several but this is one of my favorites: Drivers license checkpoint, Car stops about 50 yards short of the line. Just sits there. I pull up to the car. The driver is leaned against the window. I open the door the driver falls out onto the ground. The car starts rolling forward. I jump in and stop the car. The driver is totally wasted. In his front shirt pocket a bag of weed is sticking out. Goes to jail. DUI, DWR, and Controled Substance. Shows up for court. He's drunk again. Judge orders him arrested and held for contempt. I walk up put the cuffs on do a slight pat down in front of the judge. Sticking about an inch out of his back pocket is another bag of pot. The judge was not happy. Please add one of your stories...... |
Yeah it's me, I'll be over with your pot right after I get out of court.
Damn - this guy either WANTED to get arrested or has a really, really, REALLY bad addiction issue. Unbelievable what some folks do. |
| this website seems to fit here just right www.dumbcrooks.com/ |
1. I pull up at a campground for loud noise. One chick takes off through the forest. I finally catch her and she tells me very seriously. "The reason I ran is my probabtion officer told me to avoid contact with the Police."  2. I arrest some loser and while patting him down I find weed in his pants pocket. "But officer, these aren't my pants."
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My niece's boyfriend told me the same thing when I was defending him on a MM weed charge. I said "Uh-huh. Well, if you want to go to jail, tell the judge that story. If you;d rather have a fine, tell her you're guilty. Just let me know before court." 
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Okay, I am doing a year on a call-up for clinton's relection as a LE MP in the army. One nice weekend morning I see a guy driving on base in a car with a trashed front end, I mean all bent up, with mud all over and plants dragging on the ground. I flag him down and get his stuff (DL, reg, insurance) so I can start an accident report and still get to the base library when they open. I ask him how it happened and he denies any accident or going off the road. I tell him to explain what happened on a sworn statement form, so he writes down "The mud is brown, the plants are green, and I wasn't in an accident". (He wasn't drunk or high). So I put him in the back and take him to the station where I read him his rights and all that crap, and we call for a accident investigator (the nearest one on duty is an hour's driving time away). We get through the rights form and get him started on another sworn statement form, when he changes his mind and asks for a lawyer. I am happy and thank him because now he can go into the D cell, I can finish my statement and leave the rest of the paperwork for the TAI and get over to the library to get some new books. Just about then the GPs call in about someone's yard and garden wall that got torn up. The desk sgt starts piling on the charges, false statement, hit and run, fleeing the scene, all kinds of jazz. The bad guy starts wanting to confess and I tell him "Too late, you wanted an attorney". He starts crying and demanding to be allowed to confess. He shuts up for a while and then asks to see the desk sgt. The DS allows me to bring the guy up so long as he dosen't confess, the guy says he won't-- it's about his medicine, so I bring him up. The guy starts confessing and crying over and over, and the DS is yelling at him over and over "Stop confessing! That's an order! Shut up!". We finally drag him to the back and put him in a back room so we can't hear him anymore. Funny stuff on a slow day. |
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My favorite happened over this Thanksgiving. This holiday I was away doing the family thing and stopped at a chain gas station. While inside getting some water and paying a really nervous looking dude came in one of the doors, and then hung around for a second and walked back out. After I paid and was leaving, the dude bumped into me, but was apparently oblivious to my presence. He looked real nervous and jumpy. I was really concerned now because guys that jumpy are usually on something or up to something, and usually both. But I left. Turns out that right after I left the joint he put some panty hose on his head, pulled out a piece and robbed the place. But our hero wasn't very smart. In all his oblivious pacing he failed to notice that sitting right in front of the door he went in and out of TWICE was a very brightly colored police cruiser, and that at the coffee station within plain sight of the door there was a cop getting his coffee just right. So naturally our hero demands money with a gun and is immediately set upon by the officer. I saw all of this on the local news later that night. Turns out that sometimes there really IS a cop around when you need one. |
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This is going to be a long one… One night I get a call to a barracks for a beating. This guy is waiting for the ambulance and his head already looks like a soccerball. He was new to the unit and his team was hanging out in the room of one of the women on the team and she started changing her clothes. The team leader told him to leave because he hadn’t been on the team long enough to see her naked. (TL=black, newbie=mex) He told the TL to fuck off, so TL and another black, a private (hereinafter “Prive”), hold him down and kick his head for while for discipline. The evildoers ran before we got there so I told some other patrols to meet me around the corner from the barracks at 2am. We do the super ninja cop thing, turning down the radios and creeping up to the top floor where the bad guys rooms were. The TL’s is unlocked and he goes along quietly, that leaves the prive. I go to his door, which is locked. I knock quietly, and he asks “Who’s there”. I whisper my first name, and he opens the door! Prive and his GF (different chick in the unit) were in the middle of some loving, and she wasn’t into covering up or anything during this process which was funny instead of being a turn on. I take prive in, and get statements from everyone during this whole long drawn out process, and I notice that both the GF and the woman who was the cause of all this don’t seem to respond to men quite right…. So a few weeks later I come into work and there is the woman who was the cause of all the problem (hereinafter “lezzie”) sitting in the d cell. I ask her what’s up, and she tells me she is in for trying to kill the prive. Come to find out she and the GF were having gay love sessions for fun, and fell in love. Prive finds one of their love notes, freaks out (doesn’t blame his GF for being unfaithful) and runs over to the lezzie and starts threatening her and calling her foul names and such. She puts up with it for a while, but then gets tired of it, whips out her switchblade, and sticks him in the heart and twists the blade. He lives (because scumbags never die), and she gets the best army lawyer in that part of germany (a Harvard grad who was in the army for fun). Prive gets released from the hospital after a few weeks, and deserts even though he can’t walk for more than a block or so without having to lay down. The GPs pick him up for us at a train station and then the lezzie’s trial starts. Her lawyer defends her with ‘As a gay person she was in fear from her life when she stabbed, and the climate of fear in the army for gays led her to carry the knife she used’. She gets a walk on all charges including concealed weapon! Prive got a general discharge, she got an honorable. |
[denial] but.. but.. but.. Marijuana isn't addictive! It's natural and healthy and good and makes pie grow from trees! [/denial] |
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here's my story about some total retard, starts off like so: about 3 months ago i spot a "rolling warrant". POS car with shady occupants. driver has no seatbelt. i stop vehicle and ask "eminem" in the back seat if he has any warrants. he says no. i ask him again; "look, be honest. i'm being straight with you so i'll ask you again- do you have any warrants?" "NO". upon running his info it turns out he has a criminal bench warrant. he goes to jail. about 2 weeks ago i come into work, directly across the dept's front door, about 45 ft away in a store parking lot i spot a bravado with low rider ghetto wheels parked all half assed. it has a flat tire. i run plate, comes back to my retarded friend. the info states he's suspended and has yet another criminal warrant out for him. as soon as he slept off his hang over i figured he'd come back & fix his hoopty. sure enough, he does. i stop him, take him out of the car & cuff him. "IS THERE ANYTHING IN THE CAR I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?" him: "NO". me: "ARE YOU SUUUUURE?" him: "I'M SURE". i find marijuana and a big 'ol knife. Ya gotta think that if you're gonna DWLSuspended, have a warrant, have contraban, and have a concealed weapon, YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO LEAVE YOUR VEHICLE IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION, THE VERY SAME ONE THAT ARRESTED YOU BEFORE. what a fucking idiot! |
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Ok, this one I heard second hand but its an ok one... A Grandmothers house is robbed while she is out of town and returns to find her computer stolen as well as other items... weeks go by when all of a sudden her son who was helping her on the computer remotely see's that the computer is online.. hmmm He starts to delete any files that he thinks might be used against the grandma and then calls the police. Police take a report and he later decides to get creative. The next time the computer comes online he goes in and changes the dialing properties so that the computer would dial his home phone. He tells the police of his actions and they decide to see what happens. Sure enough he starts getting calls over and over again as the crook tries to connect to the internet but finds no hand-shake tone. He gets the number and Police track it and recover stolen goods... Kick ass story I thought when I heard it. |
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Here's another: Pull up to a 4 way stop sign. A car blows the stop sign on two wheels basically, right had turn. I go after, pull the guy over. Plates are expired. The car is stolen. The guy is drunk. He tells me that he is on his to pick up his buds at a party and take them home. He goes to jail. On my way back from the jail. Up ahead 4 guys are flaging me down. I pull up they want a ride back to the town I came the opposite direction from. I get out and talk to them. They were stranded by a guy at a party who was suppose to come back and pick them up. Hint: The guy that just went to jail. I told them I would give them a ride to the city limit. Put your hands on the car and let me frisk you before you get in. First guy up. Stolen .25 auto right front pocket. Meth left front pocket. Warrants for the stolen car. He got a ride all the way to town. The rest were clean an a kind sheriff deputy gave them a ride home. |
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It's about midnight and I am sitting near the main intersection on an army airfield. I glance up and see a car coming down the road weaving in the lanes. I pull it over and the car is full of drunk passengers. I have the driver get out and he is sober so I send him on his way asking him to keep the car under control. I go back to reading my book and sometimes looking up at traffic. Round about 45 minutes later I see the same car completely miss the turn and sort of back up turn. I pull him over again and the guy is shit faced drunk. At his article 15 he claims it isn't fair that I didn't arrest him the first time when he was sober. |
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I am a manager at a large retailer. Hanging out up front monitoring the checkout lines when 2 very rough looking customers come in the front door. I watched them get out of the car and lost sight of the girl for a minute, but not the guy. The girl comes in and complains she just lost $1 in the soda machine outside so we replace it for her. Well he walks out, while I am watching, and comes back in and complains that he lost $1 as well. I tell him no, and he should leave. He gets loud and demands a $1 from us to replace the one he "lost". So I tell him to wait a minute while I call someone that can help him, and call the police. They show up quickly, run their identification and both get taken to jail on multiple outstanding charges. Both served more than 6 months for their outstanding charges because of $1...... Same scenario, I'm standing outside on a busy day.....a guy comes speeding into the parking lot in an old beat up vette, slides into a parking spot and jumps out with a Dewalt Cordless drill walking into the returns area. I recognize the guy as a thief we ran out a few weeks ago, I wait for returns to call me to approve his non-receipted refund. They call and when I get there he has only a state ID, I explain that we cannot issue a return off a state ID, we need a valid drivers licence. He gets mad, so I ask him to follow me out the door for a talk. As we are walking out I say"okay, were gonna walk outside, and when I stop just out the door, I need you to keep on going".......he doesn't get the idea, continues to get angrier so I inform him that I will call the police to escort him out....he tries to call my bluff saying I should call them....so I do right in front of him......after hanging up he says, "yeah when the police get here theyll tell you to give me my money"......I then explain that I watched him drive into the parking lot, almost hit another customer while sliding into his parking spot, and that I know his drivers license has been revoked.......he immediately realizes that he is screwed and tries to run.....only to run into the hood of the police cruiser that has just pulled up out front......again they take him to jail for 90 days for several outstanding warrants....... Sorry for the long post but one more that really gave me a laugh....... Our loss prevention just apprehended a suspect and after a minor struggle the thief agrees to fill out some paperwork and admit to the crime as long as "we do not take him to jail".......we take him back to the office, get him to admit.....fill out all our paperwork and just as he is about to leave a Police Officer walks in......the guy immediately gets up and yells" You Mother F&%$er, you told me that you were not going to take me to jail if I cooperated with you". I sit back and say" Thats right, I am not taking you to jail, HE is......." |
| Got a million of them, but the most recent was a few weeks ago. Nothing big, just a traffic stop on an older S-10 Blazer that just doesn't look right. Driver is drunker than shit, and refused to blow. Had SEVENTEEN passengers. No joking. Had to have 2 vehicle make two trips each to get all of them off the side of the road. |
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I had a funny thing happen to me when I was a sherrif's deputy. Actually many things but this one comes to mind. Our jail was going through reconstructions. There was a liberal no good for nothing lawyer suing small jails in our state [Oregon] for abuses to inmates. Because of our law suit we had to do 10 minute cell checks, we couldn't wear uniforms [too hard on inmates you know] we had to paint the jail bright colors so it wasn't so depressing [the list goes on and on]. Anyway, I was pretty young and I have a girlish face anyway. I wasn't allowed to wear a uniform to work anymore so I had on my street clothes which were a pair of jeans over alls, tee shirt and tennis shoes. {thinking back on this - it wasn't the best choice of clothes but it was in style then}. Anyway I get a woman in her mid to upper 70's come in for a DUI that I have to book into the jail. She's obviously drunk but of course pleading her case that she hadn't had more than a drink of wine during dinner. To make things more flustrating in order to get a blood alcohol level from her I had to get her to spit out her false teeth. She was certain I wasn't a deputy [badge wasn't sufficient] and was refusing to give me her teeth before she blew. I was trying to be nice and coaxing her into giving me her teeth when all of the sudden she attacks me! Now I'm a pretty big girl. I'm 6 ft tall and was about 150 then [it's not polite to ask a woman their weight now!] and this woman was probably about 5'4" 110. She's ridding on my back while I'm trying to decide what to do with her. I ended up picking her up in a piggy back style [while she's choking me] and running her into the drunk tank. I flung her over my shoulder and dropped her in the drunk tank and slammed the door shut. The doctor's came and took blood from her to get her levels and she didn't have to give her teeth to any scrony teeny bopper [I was 21]. Patty |
Haha... reminds me of the guy who showed up for court for charged of auto theft, in a stolen car. He double parked it, which got the attention of a cop and they found out he was the driver. Double screwed!! Hahah. |
How exactly did he see that the computer was online?? |
Depends on how connected he was . . . there are a couple of ways to look and see if you have certain kinds of software, specifically for connecting two computers. Ot if the computer had been onfigured to be a specific IP address that was unique. |
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It's about 0230 on a Saturday night, and I am on foot patrol at the rear of one of the local drinking establishments. From the back door stumbles this REALLY young looking guy. He faces the wall, unzips, and starts to piss. Now this guy is really drunk, and is swaying all over the place. He has to rest his forehead and one hand against the wall to keep from falling down. And he is peeing all over his shoes and pants. I let him finish (hey, I'm not cruel) and ask him for his ID. Pulls out his wallet and tries to hand me: an ATM card, a AAA card, a Mastercard, and finally, a driver's license. As I am calling in his info, he suddenly gets this panicked look in his eyes and says "Whoah dude! Can I have that one back? That's my fake. Here's my real one." Turns out he's 17. So I hook him up, take him to HQ, and call his dad to come get him. Dad thought Jr. was asleep in bed. Dad didn't know Jr. was out partying. Dad didn't know Jr. had the car. Jr. was in trouble. The best part was monday afternoon when Jr. showed up to complain about missing property from his wallet. What was missing? The fake ID that I had confiscated and entered into evidence. Dave |
Unique IP? On dialup? Don't think so. |
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News story ran on Omaha TV about 5 years ago: There had been theft from a construction sight including all of the diesel fuel had been siphoned from all of the equipment. At the scene the police noticed that where the thiefs truck was , then they noticed a little trail going out of the construction area. Fu@king idiot thieves used a 50 gallon drum with a hole in it to steal the fuel. the cops followed the trail about 2 miles the the thiefs home. They had a warrant to search the place when they arrived ( looking for stolen construction tools).They ended up finding several pounds of marijuana, a pound of Coke, a full auto M16 and $10,000 in cash. So they went to court and what pisses the judge off even more is they had one of those "NO DRUG ZONES" sign that you find posted around public schools hanging up in their living ( party) room. They each got 15 years over $100 of stolen diesel fuel.
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Son had High speed, Grandma and son used PC duo and when grandma dialed up computer found high speed son and made connection through open port on router. Grandma could connect anywhere and still see son. Son could connect anywhare and still get on his own PC at home. I don't know if this is how it was done, but its simple and easy |
What kind of files did he have to delete off of grannys computer? kiddie porn? wtf-eeeewwwww nasty grannys freak me out. |
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I am a deputy and work at one of the largest jails in our county. Our jail is located in the downtown area of a largish city, and there are two courthouses right near the jail. I was working dayshift, and decided to get some lunch at a nearby Carl's Jr. Parking tends to suck during the day, so rather than drive I decide to walk a few blocks. I am in uniform, of course. As I am nearing the Carl's, a lady comes up to me and says, "There's a guy and girl arguing really loud a few blocks from here, and he says he's going to beat her up." Ah shit, I think. I start heading that direction. Another lady comes up to me and says, "There's a guy and girl arguing about two blocks from here, and he's pushing her." I walk a bit faster and another guy comes up to me and says, "There's a guy beating the shit out of a girl on the next block!" Hmmm. I get on my radio and ask the jail to notify the local PD. The guy who was with me says, "There they are!" They are standing right outside of one of the courthouses. They see me and go INSIDE THE COURTHOUSE, which is, of course, filled with cops there to testify and all the court deputies....  Needless to say, we caught them rather quickly.... |
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One of my best friends is an officer, he called me in a panic one night..he asked me to look up the number for a local towtruck company. After I got the number for him, he called me back and 'fessed up. He was taking some notes from the radio while on patrol in the park. He drove right into a ditch at an intersection. He called his sergeant on his phone to be as low profile as he could. He didn't dare call dispatch on it or it would be all over the PD, those guys are cruel..He's normally a smartass to my other friends. That gave them some ammo for a while. He told me about a couple of officers(a male and female, known as Mr. and Mrs. Huffy) having sex on the hood of their squad car once. Her foot kept hitting his mike on his shoulder and the sounds of passion were broadcast all over the city. All of a sudden, dispatch and a supervisor started calling role to find out who it was clowning around. They were able to get to their vehicles and call role. He rushed to the 911 radio station to get the tapes of the situation so he wouldn't get busted by the 911 logs... According to my friend, the mayor and deputy mayor insisted on getting the city to buy them some badges($300) because they were technically LEO's also. When the badges came in, Officer Huffy grabbed them and pulled some pubes out of his pants in the locker room with his buddies and loaded the badge holders with them and put them back in the box for the ceremony at the mayor's office. My buddy also told me about another officer who shot himself in the hand with his Glock while he was tearing it down for cleaning. He dropped the mag, and put his palm on the muzzle and pulled the trigger to save some time. He forgot to empty the chamber. The other officers said that his right hand had caught him jerking off with his left and it was jealous. That's all I can think of right now. |
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Whoops...let me try again to get back on topic: Two of my buddies from high school were Double Ought DK and Groovy Gravy. Now you can guess where my nickname, Wittzomaniack, came from...They were driving home from Tupelo years ago and noticed a roadblock up ahead. They didn't know how to effectively communicate with the police at the time so they turned left onto a fork on the road that paralleled the main road. The deputies saw what they did, the roadblock was set up at the opening of an access road to the parallel road, the two roads were about 100 feet apart. They stopped when the deputy flagged them down and as the deputy approached, DK started chanting,"Oh it's just a road block, they just need my license, I just have to pull out my license, it will be okay, it will be okay..." Phil started shaking and reached for his pocket for a "nerve pill". I don't know what they were worried about. Of course I've never had long hair and a stoner mentality, so I have a relatibility problem. When DK started to calm down, he looked over and Phil had a joint in his mouth. He was about to light it when DK yelled,"Phil, you dumbass!" and slapped it out of his mouth. The officer came up, checked their plate, inspection sticker, license and let them go with a "Drive home carefully." They had to pull over a few miles ahead and each smoked a nerve pill so they could calm down to get home. It's absolutely true. |
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Last one. There I am in Germany doing my part to make the army safer as an MP. I got sent out to a sleepy little airfield in the middle of nowhere as a reward for giving tickets and DD busts to officers. As I am sitting near the front gate very late one night, reading another library book, I see a car all over the road pass me and head towards the nearby small sized German city of Bad Windseim. I follow with my lights and siren on, and after a few klicks the car stops in the middle of the road. You have to understand that this area is a gentle valley, with the base on one end and the city on the other. Even though the station was so small we didn’t have a full time liaison, the GPs saw the cop lights driving for a while and their whole shift came flying over. In the car are two women, both club employees. The passenger is the owner and the driver is her friend. The driver is really smashed. The GPs try to poach me, but I insist on the honor of her blowing on a US machine first. We take her in, and her friend, and the driver is way over the line when we test her on the big machine at the station. Her friend (pax) volunteers that she asked driver to drive because pax felt too drunk. The GPs are getting ready to drag the driver over to their station for their breath test when we agree to PBT the pax to see how drunk she was. Pax was concerned because she would feel bad if she wasn’t drunk. Pax was ~.07, and .08 was drunk legally. Pax and driver start screaming and bawling and carrying on, we American MPs and the GPs are laughing like crazy, and the door opens and a black soldier comes in, takes one look, turns around, and runs away. Never did find out what he wanted. |
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Here's another one: Get a call of a body laying on bridge. Get there it is just some drunk guy who decided to lay down in the middle of the road. Arrested him for public drunk. On the way to the jail. Mr. Supreme Court Justice goes on and on how I can't arrest him. Blah, blah. He finally says the only reason why you arrested me is because I'm black. He says your predujdice (spelling). I told him I'm not predujdice, I hate everybody. Not another single word was spoken the rest of the trip. |
Same thing happend with an LEO out this way when I was taking some classes at the police acadamy. Guy was cleaning his gun, off duty, at home when he somehow shot himself in the hand. After he recovered when he came back the guys at the station had taken an old bullet proof vest and made a glove out of it and presented it with a new gun cleaning kit and a book on how to clean guns. |