Posted: 5/19/2004 9:16:33 AM EDT
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LMAO!!! I am currently dating a guy who doesn't really have any hobbies of his own. I like to hike, shoot, read, go dancing, hang out with my girlfriends and gab on about nothing, ride bikes, scuba dive, and swim. I'm very independant and support myself. If I want to do something, I'll go by myself if he or anyone else can't. However, he doesn't really do all that much. I don't want to be a nag, but I think that it is really important that he hangs out with his guy friends, without me. I know that I need my time with the girls, so I figure that it is good and healthy for him to hang out with the guys. EEK! Now, I know that this is an admirable trait in a man, and maybe it's all much ado about nothing, but...... My guy just doesn't seem to have much to do without me. He likes to play poker with his friends every two weeks, and has asked me to come on several occasions. I know that I would be the only girl there, so I tell him no, since I think that it's important for the guys to have bonding time, and I know that his other guy friends are having their no girlfriend time, so I don't want to intrude on that. He has a good job that leaves him with a lot of time available, much more so than me since I am in college at the moment. We live together, so we see each other all the time, and still have our dates, but when he wants to do something and I don't have the time, he will just stay at home. When his guy friends call him up and ask him to go out, he asks me to come along, and when I can't, he won't go. I try to encourage him to go out, since I believe that it is important that we have time apart from each other, but he still won't because he says that he doesn't want to make me mad that he went out without me.... What is up with that!!!??? I don't care, in fact, I think that he should spend MORE time with his other friends, since we see each other every day. I know that I definately need my time away with my girlfriends. He calls me to let me know when he is going out, and makes sure to tell me if he will be hanging out with any of his girl friends. I don't care, I trust him completely and most of his girl friends are also friends of mine, whom I also trust, I don't hang out with people without morals. He has had some very controlling girlfriends in the past; is this why he feels like he needs to tell me his every move?? I am very independant and trust my guy completely. I know that he doesn't do some things because he doesn't want to make me mad; how do I get him to see that I want him to have fun, even if it is without me, and that I trust him?? I know that he would like to spend more time with the guys, but I'm afraid that if I push the issue, it might border on nagging. I hate the thought that he is alone some nights because I am in class or studying at school. He's an awesome guy and I am very lucky to have him, he is not controllingl of me in any way and treats me very well. I would just like to see him have more guy time, kick back, watch a game, bitch about women, knock back a few beers, talk about cars, or whatever else you guys talk about. Any and all suggestions would be greatly appreciated |
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So let me get this straight... You have a boyfriend who goes everywhere you ask him to go and almost never goes out drinking. When he does go out with his friends he invites you to come along. If you can't come along, he voluntarily checks in. AND YOU"RE COMPLAINING????????? There is absolutely no pleasing women!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Quoted: So let me get this straight... You have a boyfriend who goes everywhere you ask him to go and almost never goes out drinking. When he does go out with his friends he invites you to come along. If you can't come along, he voluntarily checks in. AND YOU"RE COMPLAINING????????? There is absolutely no pleasing women!!!!!!!!!!!![/quote] amen! |
Preach it brother. OTOH, I also like to spend the greater part of my free time with Mrs. B. I married her in large part because I like spending time with her. But he should develop some interests. Have you considered introducing him to some of your own hobbies/interests? I do counted cross-stitch because Wifey showed a project to me, and it looked interesting. The stuff you do sounds interesting (well, I'll skip the "dancing" and the "hang out with girlfriends" - I suck at dancing, and I'm married...). Take him shooting! |
I have tried to get him interested in some of the things that I do. He had never shot a gun when I met him, he was pretty wary about it, actually. Usually this in a man is an automatic cut, but he has so many wonderful qualities, that I was willing to deal as long as he at least tried it, which he did, and has gotten to kinda like it. He doesn't like to swim or scuba dive, no problem, I have other people to dive with. He is an amazing dancer, so I'm all good there!! And, he appreciates that I don't ask him to join in with me and my girlfriend gab sessions. I have a friend who tries to drag her guy out with us sometimes, and he hates it!! I don't want to change him, he's an awesome guy. My main concern is that I know that he would like to spend more time with the guys, but doesn't because he is afraid that I won't like it, based on his previous girlfriend experiences. I'm more looking for suggestions on how to let him know that I don't mind at all. I'm not complaining. In fact, I have no problem with knowing that he is waiting for me at home, actually..... 
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Leave the guy alone! If he doesn't want to go out, it's his choice. There's nothing wrong with staying home and chillin' out in front of the tube. Maybe he's over the whole going out to the bar thing. He's gotta have some hobbies that haven't been banned in the PRK. Did you ever stop to think that he waits home for you because he wants sex? Maybe you'll be happier if he takes up a new hobby. Like fucking every girl he possibly can. Maybe that'll make you feel better. Jesus, you have what sounds like the ideal guy and all you can come up with is how he doesn't do anything without you. It's impossible to please a woman. They are all fucking nuts! 
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Of course she is complaining, this guy is so fucking boring that watching paint dry would be more exciting. There has left absolutely no mystery or challenge in this realtionship, and this is something that is KEY to maintaining a woman's interest. Almost every guy I know, including myself, has made the mistake of assuming that because we are so crazy about a girl that we always want to be around her, that she simply must feel the same way about us. Its not true! The truth is a woman will be more interested if a guy is unavailable to her. In the early stages of dating, this could mean not calling her every day, or even every other day. And in a live-in relationship it could mean having your own life and making plans to do your own thing without the woman, without (gasp!) even consulting her. I am not saying that it is "right" for tjmz to be upset with the situation, as her boyfriend sounds like a very nice guy, but in this game nice guys finish last. The winners are the strong men. Its just the way it is. |
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The more the woman shows her independence the more the man feel insecure. The fear kicks in. Maybe tjmz should drop down to her knee and beg for her man to pull out the wip and to show his manhood as the master of the house ...maybe then only then he may get his confidence back and been an .....asshole again. (excuse my french).  |
Immeadately stopped reading and completely reversed my opinion! This man is obviously a closet homosexual and cowardly one at that. Evict him immedately, and find yourself a man with a little lead in his barrel. 
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There is no one person in the world that I'd rather spend time with than my wife. I love her, and we enjoy being with each other. Fortunately, we share many of the same hobbies and are into the same things, including guns. I consider myself very lucky. Maybe your boyfriend likes you, and wants you to feel like you're welcome with him. I can understand you thinking he needs time with his guy friends, but it's generally a rare thing for a guy to invite his girlfriend to hang out with his friends. A girl who can be one of the guys is cool, and a very rare find. If it bugs you, talk to him about it. You obviously aren't smothering him, because if you were he'd be running away from you as fast and often as he could. Remember the Alamo, and God Bless Texas. |
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I have a friend here who is just like that. We'll call him "Dave". "Dave" loves women. "Dave" is what most women say they want...a loving, devoted Christian boy who loves children, long walks on the beach, soul kisses and breakfast in bed. "Dave"'s wife cheated on him for nearly his ENTIRE three year marriage with a soldier from a local Army post. "Dave", after finding out about this, wanted to take his "Dave" got a girlfriend next. After a WEEK, "Dave" quit hanging out with his friends so he could hang around with this chick and her kid. He left her a Hallmark card on her car at work EVERY DAY, and after a month was heard to say, "I SOOO love Kristin." Needless to say, Kristin milked "Dave" for a treadmill, a vacation to Vegas, and a new car before kicking his ass to the curb in favor of a 50ish biker-construction worker type. "Dave" still has trouble comprehending that his own pussy-whipped nature might have anything to do with his repeated variations on the same theme. |
QuietShootr understands. |
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Good god, what do you men want? And you say that women are hard to understand......... Why do you all assume that I am complaining??? I'm not, just trying to understand....Our relationship is great, we are together all of the time.....I'm just trying to figure out why he is afraid that I'm going to get mad at him if he does something on his own.....  , and if there is anything that I can do to reassure him that I won't......I don't cheat, don't put him down, we have never had a fight, get along great, are each others best friend. I back him up fully if any of my girlfriends try to put their two cents in. The only conflict we have is when we go out to dinner, who will pay the check...All women are not control freaks trying to milk as much money as possible from their men...like I said before, I don't really care what he does, as long as he doesn't restrict his life just because he's afraid I'll get mad....jeez... |
That's exactly what he's doing..and that was the point of my story above, not the money thing..I just threw that in for illustrative purposes. ETA.. if you are what you say you are, the SCUBA diving, shooting, biking, hiking hottie...you're the warrior-meat-eater in this relationship, and this guy doesn't deserve you. This is a situation which is self-correcting. You'll get bored with him in the by and by. |
Again, the only wise words being written on this thread are QuietShootr's |
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I think this guy has a past you don't know about. There were probably women in his life that he so loved or adored, but anything he tried to do for himself made her upset. He seems so conditioned to that reponse that he is afraid of making you upset. I don't know what it will take to get him to realize that you want him to do these things for himself, but the first thing is to let him know that you are not "setting him up" for anything. Talk to him about his past... see if he'll open up. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But it wouldn't hurt to find out. |
You think she is the one wanting to make him as happy as she is?!?! If she were truly happy with her situation would she be on here looking for advice on how to fix things? He is the one who is overly happy and complacent; can't you see that? I bet you are one of those guys who never sees it coming when a girl breaks up with him because you figure that if you are happy in the relationship that she must be feeling the same way. Despite the words that she is typing, it is obvious that tjmz is going to lose interest in this guy sooner than later. |
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if you've told him more than twice that it's okay for him to do things without you but he still won't, he's insecure about you and probably other things too. that's become comfortable for him, and he'll either be that way the rest of his life or he'll decide to change. you cannot make that change in him, he has to make it himself.
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Nope, if my wife did what Dave's did, I would plant her in the garden-six feet under! I guess I'm just an optimist. Ok, Maybe not plant in garden, how about sell her to the taliban? |
Never sees it coming? Truth is, never been broke up with, and have been married to my first and only wife for the last 13 years. |
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First off... "thelastgunslinger" & "QuietShootr"... you 2 understand, very few men do, but you both do, my door is open if you ever wanna grab a beer in the Pitt, PA area. Secondly, allow me to make one thing clear. Women focus on talking, not finding solutions. Since they aren't used to taking action, women talk instead of seeking out solutions to problems (they rely on men to actually get things accomplished). What's more, women think that any problem can be solved by simply talking about it. So instead of making decisions, they will endlessly catalog alternatives, seeking advice from anyone and everyone -- then never act upon any of the suggestions (more often than not, they will give up and cry or just complain). When it finally does come time to make a decision, a woman will often turn to a man. Which is exactly what is happening here. But if he chooses wrong -- meaning if he selects an option that isn't what she really wants -- she will pout and complain and punish him/them for not knowing her unspoken true desires. "Tjmz", you already know what YOU want to do… of this, I have NO doubt. But before we travel down that road, I want to rehash some things that were discussed earlier… intrigue, and challenge. Your boyfriend no longer has/is either. He has become boring to you. He is “plain, vanilla, predictable”, and whatever other bland terms you want to use. He no longer excites you. He always calls when he says he will. You ALWAYS know where he is, what he is doing, and when he will be back. You know EVERYTHING, and there is no mystery anymore. Women LIVE on intrigue, otherwise known as mystery, or what I like to call, “emotional mystery.” They LOVE not knowing EXACTLY what is going on, not knowing what the man is feeling/thinking. They love trying to figure it all out. THIS is what excites them. Women hunt for the HUNT, not for the KILL… if you all can understand my metaphor. They all want a man who keeps them constantly excited, and wondering about what is going on, and what direction things are headed. Let me make this blanket statement, “As soon as a woman knows everything about you (the man), she loses interest, because there is nothing “new” about you she can search for.” Tjmz, You are looking for some one who can “keep up” with you, in all the activities you enjoy. Rather than go on and on, I will just say it like this… “YOU are the man in the relationship, he isn’t.” WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO BE THE MAN. Women DO NOT date “down.” Women want to date UP. They want a man who is MORE exciting than they are, more fun, does more enjoyable things, has a BIGGER life than they do. They want to feel they are a PART of something HUGE (all innuendoes apply here), rather than THE biggest thing in a man’s life. Yes, they do want to feel that they are special to a man, don’t get me wrong, but they do NOT want to feel that they have TOTAL control over the relationship. Women want a man who acts like a man, has other male friends, and has a life outside of her, because SHE should have other female friends, and a life outside him. Basically, she doesn’t want to feel SMOTHERED by the man. Allow me to use tjmz’s OWN WORDS…. “My guy just doesn't seem to have much to do without me.” And… “I would just like to see him have more guy time, kick back, watch a game, bitch about women, knock back a few beers, talk about cars, or whatever else you guys talk about.” Now, tjmz, I AM NOT BASHING YOU AT ALL. In fact, there is NOTHING wrong with saying what you are saying. I actually agree with you. You are just being honest about what you are feeling, and there is nothing wrong with that. Tjmz, you should not try and change your boyfriend. If what he IS right now is acceptable to you, then fine, enjoy your time together. If what he is RIGHT NOW is NOT acceptable to you, then that’s fine too, but you should let him go, and look for someone who is the person you want to be with. Too much trouble comes from trying to CHANGE someone into something they are NOT, just so they can be what YOU want them to be. You need to allow him to find some one who accepts him for who and what he is. And you need to FIND the guy who is what you want… rather than MAKE the guy that you want. Ok, what I am about to say applies to both tjmz, and all the other guys who are like “what the hell do women want?” Or “Why the hell are women crazy?” It is VERY simple. Women… like ANYHTING ELSE ON THIS EARTH is all about…… WAIT FOR IT…… BALANCE!!! You have to show enough interest so they notice, but not SOOOO much so as to seem “stalker-ific” or controlling. You have to be confident in yourself and what you can do, but not a show-off or a cocky bastard, or a “I am SOOO much better than you, and let me show you how” kinda guy. You have to have your own life, friends, activities, hobbies and interests OUTSIDE of her, but you still have to include her in SOME of them…. Every once and a while. You have to listen to her, and honestly pay attention to what she thinks/feels/says… but don’t HANG on her every word as if it was GOD talking to you. You have to respect her (very important), but don’t WORSHIP every little thing she does. You have to tease her every once and a while, but don’t verbally abuse her. You have to let her know how you feel about things, but do NOT just dump every little thing on her like she was a psychologist. I could go on and on, but the point is the same. “less is MORE” and balance is KEY. There is a time and a place for everything. Well it’s dinner time. Have a good one, and feel free to comment as you see fit. I would be more than happy to continue this. Stainless |
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I really dont understand the "with the guys time" or the "with the girls time" thing. The best relationships and marriages I have ever seen have been people that are always together. If I have a good women then she is more than welcome to be by my side all the time. When a guy or a girl runs around all the time without there mate things can happen no matter how faithful you are, eventually you can mess up. |
| You don't really have a problem, after all you aren't married and don't have children. You sound like you want him to be the way YOU are, so you won't fell GUILTY about having your "girl time". He sounds like he is more ready to settle down and has less need to be with friends. You don't, but that's not a judgment just an impression. Hope you get it talked out. |
Excellent post. If I were a more eloquent writer, my posts on this thread would have come out looking like that. I am just getting involved with a new, absoultely amazing, woman and I am making her chase me for almost everything. And she is loving it! It took me years, but I am finally understanding these crazy creatures. As for that beer, I just may be in PA sometime soon, as a good buddy of mine just moved out there. So watch out, I may just take you up on that. |
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I've been married for thirty years, what I see is you are playing house instead of growing up and being real. Either commit and get married and make a life together or quit wasting time you will never have again with someone you don't know ( which means you don't) want to spend the rest of your life with. In a marriage that lasts your goals have to be the same but your interests can be different. Example is 15% his personal interest, 15% yours, and 60% common. I have my guns, wife has her restaurant/bakery. WE have a house, cars, IRAs, CDs, ect. I work in her business when needed (wait tables, dishwasher, grounds/building maintenenace,) and she never asks about my gun /hunting/reloading/ hobby even though she knows the extent of it which by some could be considered extensive and expensive. We have goals of what to put in savings each month for retirement, ect. You don't know how to handle the situation because you have no goals or planned future. He is what he is. Is that what you want? rk |