Posted: 3/14/2004 7:54:39 PM EDT
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"Jesus leaned down from the cross and said: 'Peter, I can see your house from here!'" There once was a farmer who had 100 hens. Oone day his rooster died. Without his rooster, his hens would not lay eggs, so he went to town to buy a new one. He bought the largest, meanest rooster he could find. That night he put it in the coop with his hens. It ran to the first hen he could find, mounted her, and died. Enraged, the next morning he went back and demanded his rooster be replaced. He took home another one like it, and put it in the coop. This one serviced ten hens, then fell over and died. He took it back into town, and yelled at the livestock seller. The farmer was told that they had only one rooster left, so he took it and left. This was the mangiest, ugliest, scrawniest rooster anyone had ever seen. He threw it in the coop, and it attacked every hen it saw. Before the farmer caught him, he had had his way with every hen three times. Impressed by this new rooster, the farmer locked him safely in anotherr coop, so his hens could get some sleep. The next day, he awoke to find a hole in the fence. The rooster had escaped, and all of his hens lay about, exhausted. looking back towards the house, he saw his cows and his dog limping around. The farmer started off towards his neighbors house to warn him. In the road he spotted the rooster, laying dead. Vultures were circling about, eyeing it up. He walked to the rooster, and suddenly it spole to him: "Shh, you're scaring them off!". Sorry if the last one is cumbersome, I cant find the hard copy, but its funny in the original. |
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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs." |
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Lady in a very nice restaraunt notices all the waiters have a spoon in their shirt pocket. She asks her waiter why? He says that the restaraunt did a study and that the thing customers ask for most is a clean spoon. So, each waiter carries one in their pocket to give to the customer, thereby saving lots of time. The same lady later notices that each waiter has a small white string coming up and out of his pants, behind his belt buckle. She asky why?? Waiter says that the same study showed that waiters spend more time washing their hands than anything else. The string is tied around the end of their "tool." They just hold the string to relieve themselves, and washing their hands is not needed. Saves time and money on handsoap. Lady asks what he does if he forgets his string. He leans down close and says: Well, I don't know about everybody else, but I just use the spoon. [lol] [rofl] [rofl2] |
| Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson! Look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asked Holmes. Watson pondered a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that it's approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent a moment and then spoke. "Watson, you fool! Someone has stolen our tent!" |
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[b][u]Kerry and Kennedy Wed in Same Sex Ceremony[/u][/b] BOSTON - Looking to snare the surging gay-married-couple vote, Democratic hopeful John Kerry flew to Boston early this week and exchanged wedding vows with fellow Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy. Moments after a brief same-sex civil ceremony, the couple appeared on the steps of Boston's historic State House. Kerry and Kennedy seemed radiant as man and, well... husband and -- uh... Senator and other Sen -- ah... married homo couple, and felt confident they were sending a message of hope, validation and vote-grabbing across the country. "Today is a special day," monotoned Kerry, "not just for Teddy and myself, but for all homosexuals yearning to join together in the sanctity of holy matrimony. Well, maybe not holy, 'cause there wasn't a priest there, but if we could have found a queer priest it would've been -- and believe me, Ted and I are devout Catholics, so we're confident we could've found one -- anyway, we're happy to join in the God-given -- shit, that's not right... well, we're just happy to be here." When questioned about the legality of same-sex marriages in Massachusetts, both Kerry and Kennedy said they were certain that, given the state's recent ruling that a ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional, the courts would recognize the union as legal. "To all the queer couples across this great nation," said Kennedy, "and let's not forget the Lesbo ladies out there, I say the time has come to cast off the shackles of God, nature and self-dignity. Same-sex marriage is good for America; it means more jobs, better schools, increased national security, elimination of the deficit and just about anything else you can think of. It's a God-send... well, a court-send, and that's pretty good, believe me." [img]http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/15385.jpg[/img] |
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A Catholic priest and his layman friend went out fishing one fine day, The two of them fished up and down the stream for hours, when finally the layman heard the priest yell "I've got a whopper!!" The Priest struggled with the fish for some time, and was growing weaker. His friend was getting more and more frustrated with the whole affair but decided to help. He went to the priest's side, and said "give me the reel father! I'll pull the sonofabitch in here!!" After getting the fish safely put away the priest said "thank you for your help son, but the language was not necessary!" The layman smiled and told the Priest "oh no father! Please don't be concerned!.. you see, that is the name of the fish..some fish are trout, some are bass, this one is a sonofabitch fish!" The Priest thought about this for a minute, and then nodded, "very well then, let's take the sonofabitch back home and eat it for supper, .the Bishop is coming tonight!" As the two drove up the driveway to the rectory, a nun walked up to the car. She saw the fish the proud Priest was displaying, and said " My what a whopper!!". .."yes ," said the Priest, "and I caught the sonofabitch!" The nun looked at him , shocked, and said "I understand you're happy father, and it is a fine fish, but such language!" "Oh! Don't be concerned sister, that is the name of the fish...Some fish are trout, some are bass, this one is a sonofabitch fish!". Releived, the nun smiled and said "very good father. Give me the sonofabitch and I'll clean and scale it for supper tonight. The Bishop is coming for supper you know" and off she went to the kitchen. In the kitchen, the nun met the rectory's Mother. The head nun looked at the huge fish and said "my, what a whopper!" "yes ,"said the nun, "and Father caught it!, I'm going to clean and scale the sonofabitch for supper!". The rectory's Mother was not pleased. She told the nun, "It is a fine fish sister, but there is no need for that sort of language!" "Oh, no Mother!! Don't be concerned, , that is the name of the fish...Some fish are trout, some are bass, this one is a sonofabitch fish!" Not quite co0nvinced, the head nun said "well alright. Give me the sonofabitch and I'll cook it for supper, the Bishop is coming for supper you know!" That night, sure enough the Bishop came for supper. The priest and the nun sat at the table with the Bishop as the rectory's Mother brought in the huge fish feast. Upon seeing the fish the Bishop said "my heaven, what a whopper of a fish!". "Yes it is your excellency, and I caught the sonofabitch!"the Priest said,.. "and I cleaned and scaled the sonofabitch!" said the nun. The mother chimed in "and I cooked the sonofabitch!" The bishop got a strange look on his face. He slowly looked around the table at the others , then pulled a flask out of his vest. "you fuckers are my kind of people" he said, "let's eat that bastard!!" |
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Scene: Family court Judge asks the kid if he want to live with his mother. Kid replies 'No way. She beats me' Judge: 'Then I guess you want to live with your father?' Kid: 'Please no. He beats me too.' Judge: 'Where am I going to send you?' Kid: 'How about Penn State? They don't beat anybody' |
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Old Indian Chief An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that. |
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Got this one off Full-auto....... God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are." So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested. He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10." |
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Quoted: I heard this one at work, and I'm going straight to hell for repeating it: [b]What's this?[/b] [url]http://www.devotions.co.uk/jesus_cross.gif[/url] A really bad way to spend easter... Yeah, you're probably going to hell, unless you don't believe in that...[:D] |
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The young Indian child asked the Chief "How do Indian children get their names?" The chief replied that the child, when born, was carried out of the teepee by the father and held aloft, and named after the first thing spotted by the brave, such as Soaring Eagle or Running Deer. "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?" |
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The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!" |
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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing intensely about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over, tears the man's pants open, and rips the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away with her father when, all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment and then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits back with a confused look on her face, thinks to herself for a few moments then she says, "Sure had a big dick didn't it?" |
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Well since i'm going to hell anyway... One day in the garden of Eden God looks down from on high and askes Adam, "Adam, I have some commands for my servants, Where is Eve?". Adam says, "Lord, she is down by the river washing out her private parts". To which God says, "Damn, now I'll never get the smell out of those fish!". also... In the begining God said "Let there be light, and let it divide the darkness in a 24 hour alternating cycle". And it came to be. One of the Arch-Angles looking over God's shoulder said "wow, that's nice, What are you gonna' do now?" To which God replied, "I guess I'll call it a day". |
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i just got this in my email--i liked it >A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. >"But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." >When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" >The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that,all I want is a drink." >The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy >down at the end of the bar calls >his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'." >The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him >a second to think it over. >So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, >"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" >The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy >asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on ticken!" >A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen >to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call >yours?" >The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality >is Job One." >Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" >The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock'." and gives a wink. >Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up >with a name for his exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET'. Now give >me a beer." > >The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look >asked, "Why Secret?" >The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A >WOMAN!" |
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." |
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One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'." |