[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Understanding Engineers (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 1/31/2016 6:24:16 PM EDT
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Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers #6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Understanding Engineers #7 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers #8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool." And Finally Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" |
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
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Ha, ha, love it, will post some of these at work, engineering company.
Next time you drive over a bridge let's hope the guy's who designed it weren't laughing so hard at these jokes that they fucked up the design. It could make your day very bad.  just saying, wink wink
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An old roommate who was as an astro engineering major, literally a rocket scientist.
He put the battery in backwards in his older BMW 320. It would die in Denver and leave us stranded. He put his mechanics's kids through college with that "Ooops!" We had a mutal civilian friend with all sorts of tools and he was very mechanically inclined. He finally told me about the battery incident. My old roommate's ego was too big to ever admit to that mistake. I think my old roommate is flying C-5's out of California now. |
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RE: Understanding Engineers #5
A lawyer asks how much do we sue for when it stops working? A doctor, a philosopher, and an engineer are inline to be executed by guillotine. When the doctor is put in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever, the blade stops half way down. The executioner declares this an act of God and sets the doctor free. Same thing happens with the philosopher. The engineer then turns to the executioner and says, "I think I see whats wrong. Give me about three minutes and I'll fix your guillotine." |
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Quoted:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." Fixed 
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A rocket scientist (doctorate in aerospace working at the JPL) used to give tours of my command for examples of engineering outside-the-box.
He wore two watches and nobody asked him why ... I did ... one was broken so he needed the second to tell time. Once he came all the way out there (about 40 miles) barefooted ... and blamed his wife for not dressing him before letting him out of the house. The guy was scary smart and could do differential calculus with half of his brain tied behind his back ... and was never wrong. |
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thanks for that. got a laugh or two I needed Currently on degree #2 for mechanical and calc 2 is tricky... I found that Diff Eq made calculus look like 5th grade math. Calculus clicked for me...but so reason Diff Eq didn't, even though much of it is just reverse calculus. |
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Ha, ha, love it, will post some of these at work, engineering company. Next time you drive over a bridge let's hope the guy's who designed it weren't laughing so hard at these jokes that they fucked up the design. It could make your day very bad. just saying, wink winkIts amazing how many bridges were built so long ago. |
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That's a funny joke, but the reality is college women are so desperate for a wallet than an engineering student (who can handle personal hygiene) can pound female ass 7 nights a week. |
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Ha, ha, love it, will post some of these at work, engineering company. Next time you drive over a bridge let's hope the guy's who designed it weren't laughing so hard at these jokes that they fucked up the design. It could make your day very bad. just saying, wink winkNo kidding. My dad was a heavy equipment operator. On my 10th birthday, my dad was part of a crew pouring a bridge deck. While they are pouring, a room full of engineers was debating whether the structure would withstand the weight. The bridge collapsed and my dad was buried under fresh concrete and a piece of rebar went through his neck, just missing his jugular artery. His ears were full of concrete. My dad and all the men on the bridge survived. So, did the engineers, although I think that a couple of them should have been beaten within an inch of their lives when the operators got out of the hospital. I also worked in excavating for 30 years. I met a few good engineers over the years, but most of them were worse than useless. They were actually an impediment on the jobs. |
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This is why I studied liberal arts. |
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I found that Diff Eq made calculus look like 5th grade math. Calculus clicked for me...but so reason Diff Eq didn't, even though much of it is just reverse calculus. Quoted:
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thanks for that. got a laugh or two I needed Currently on degree #2 for mechanical and calc 2 is tricky... I found that Diff Eq made calculus look like 5th grade math. Calculus clicked for me...but so reason Diff Eq didn't, even though much of it is just reverse calculus. I hated DQ. |
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I hated DQ. Quoted:
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thanks for that. got a laugh or two I needed Currently on degree #2 for mechanical and calc 2 is tricky... I found that Diff Eq made calculus look like 5th grade math. Calculus clicked for me...but so reason Diff Eq didn't, even though much of it is just reverse calculus. I hated DQ. haha we shall see 
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That's a funny joke, but the reality is college women are so desperate for a wallet than an engineering student (who can handle personal hygiene) can pound female ass 7 nights a week. https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.Mace5a998c3cec587bcc7917d3e93b2ddo0&pid=15.1 Quoted:
That's a funny joke, but the reality is college women are so desperate for a wallet than an engineering student (who can handle personal hygiene) can pound female ass 7 nights a week. https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.Mace5a998c3cec587bcc7917d3e93b2ddo0&pid=15.1 Yeah, no |
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This is why I studied liberal arts. Quoted:
This is why I studied liberal arts. Baristas pull mad poon. |
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An engineer, a geologist and a lawyer are all three asked the same question, "What's 2 + 2?" The engineer says "It's 4.0000." The geologist says "It's somewhere between 3 and 5." The lawyer says "What do you want it to be?" This doesn't make sense. An engineer would know that 4.0000 is incorrect as it has too many sig figs. It implies a precision that just isn't possible given the data. "4" is the correct answer.
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Worked for an MRI company, late 80's, early 90's. Our QA guy shared an office with a mechanical engineer. Guy played piano like a concert pianist. Came to work with shave cream in his ears. No girlfriend, lived in a studio apartment with about 10,000 books. Was going over some changes with the QA guy one morning when the engineer came in in what looked like a new suit. I commented on his suit and he said he just picked it up the day before, after they did the fit tailoring. Coat looks good, I glance down at his pants and you can see about two inches of white sock between the top of his shoes and the hem of the pants. He says he's going to get a soda and walks out. Soda machine was in our other building. We managed to wait until he went out the front door before we started laughing. I can only imagine the argument with the tailor. |
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One of my college roommates was an engineer--he was a bright guy who saw the big picture. But he hung out with 2 other engineers who would sit in our apartment, staring at the TV, not talking & the TV was off. It was bizarre. One day I offered them a drink--juice, beer, soda or milk. They opted for milk.
I opened the new gallon & the 2 dudes sat there & literally finished it in about 5 mins! The didn't talk, just drank, then stopped & left the empty bottle & both glasses on the table, the. They went back in front of the TV, which was still off. 
I mean--wow, socially stunted & more. I hope they were smart. Never found out as I graduated before they did. My roommate would say the 2 guys were ok, but he had to yell at them about stuff, like tracking mud or snow in, or being covered in wet/rain & sitting on the couch in their raincoats, getting everything wet. Yikes! This EE dude I know is brilliant! Like evil genius/Lex Luthor brilliant, and socially well adjusted, so maybe the other 2 were flukes? |
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6 engineers in my family, son, nieces, nephews .
That's some funny, correct, content there When I would visit him in college, ~35 engineering majors in the house , it was eerily like being on the set of Big Bang Theory . 
There were some seriously smart dudes there |
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One of my college roommates was an engineer--he was a bright guy who saw the big picture. But he hung out with 2 other engineers who would sit in our apartment, staring at the TV, not talking & the TV was off. It was bizarre. One day I offered them a drink--juice, beer, soda or milk. They opted for milk. I opened the new gallon & the 2 dudes sat there & literally finished it in about 5 mins! The didn't talk, just drank, then stopped & left the empty bottle & both glasses on the table, the. They went back in front of the TV, which was still off.
I mean--wow, socially stunted & more. I hope they were smart. Never found out as I graduated before they did. My roommate would say the 2 guys were ok, but he had to yell at them about stuff, like tracking mud or snow in, or being covered in wet/rain & sitting on the couch in their raincoats, getting everything wet. Yikes! This EE dude I know is brilliant! Like evil genius/Lex Luthor brilliant, and socially well adjusted, so maybe the other 2 were flukes? It's really a bimodal distribution with engineers. Weird ass motherfuckers, or normal. No real range in between. |
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It's really a bimodal distribution with engineers. Weird ass motherfuckers, or normal. No real range in between. Quoted:
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One of my college roommates was an engineer--he was a bright guy who saw the big picture. But he hung out with 2 other engineers who would sit in our apartment, staring at the TV, not talking & the TV was off. It was bizarre. One day I offered them a drink--juice, beer, soda or milk. They opted for milk. I opened the new gallon & the 2 dudes sat there & literally finished it in about 5 mins! The didn't talk, just drank, then stopped & left the empty bottle & both glasses on the table, the. They went back in front of the TV, which was still off.
I mean--wow, socially stunted & more. I hope they were smart. Never found out as I graduated before they did. My roommate would say the 2 guys were ok, but he had to yell at them about stuff, like tracking mud or snow in, or being covered in wet/rain & sitting on the couch in their raincoats, getting everything wet. Yikes! This EE dude I know is brilliant! Like evil genius/Lex Luthor brilliant, and socially well adjusted, so maybe the other 2 were flukes? It's really a bimodal distribution with engineers. Weird ass motherfuckers, or normal. No real range in between. From an engineers POV (Mechanical/Metallurgical) that distribution has no regard to ones profession or level of education. There are weird ass motherfuckers as well as perceived normals in every socioeconomic class. |
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From an engineers POV (Mechanical/Metallurgical) that distribution has no regard to ones profession or level of education. There are weird ass motherfuckers as well as perceived normals in every socioeconomic class. Quoted:
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One of my college roommates was an engineer--he was a bright guy who saw the big picture. But he hung out with 2 other engineers who would sit in our apartment, staring at the TV, not talking & the TV was off. It was bizarre. One day I offered them a drink--juice, beer, soda or milk. They opted for milk. I opened the new gallon & the 2 dudes sat there & literally finished it in about 5 mins! The didn't talk, just drank, then stopped & left the empty bottle & both glasses on the table, the. They went back in front of the TV, which was still off.
I mean--wow, socially stunted & more. I hope they were smart. Never found out as I graduated before they did. My roommate would say the 2 guys were ok, but he had to yell at them about stuff, like tracking mud or snow in, or being covered in wet/rain & sitting on the couch in their raincoats, getting everything wet. Yikes! This EE dude I know is brilliant! Like evil genius/Lex Luthor brilliant, and socially well adjusted, so maybe the other 2 were flukes? It's really a bimodal distribution with engineers. Weird ass motherfuckers, or normal. No real range in between. From an engineers POV (Mechanical/Metallurgical) that distribution has no regard to ones profession or level of education. There are weird ass motherfuckers as well as perceived normals in every socioeconomic class. I'm not trying to talk crap on engineers, I am one.
Pretty much every other profession out there, its fairly wide range. Not so much with engineering. Hence, why all the jokes in this thread exist in the 1st place. |
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I work on a floor with about 100 other engineers.
They are some of the biggest social misfits on the planet. At least half of them are founders of the "Nerd Guild" If I had a nickel for every time one of the older guys said that he helped lay the foundation for the internet, The best part is hearing one of them describe the noise that their car started making, to another engineer, in hopes that someone might be able to know exactly what it is. I usually interrupt and ask them to make the noise over and over at least 3 -4 times with a few more questions and then say "I have no idea" I have to admit that some of them are pretty brilliant. |
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I'm not trying to talk crap on engineers, I am one.
Pretty much every other profession out there, its fairly wide range. Not so much with engineering. Hence, why all the jokes in this thread exist in the 1st place. Quoted:
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One of my college roommates was an engineer--he was a bright guy who saw the big picture. But he hung out with 2 other engineers who would sit in our apartment, staring at the TV, not talking & the TV was off. It was bizarre. One day I offered them a drink--juice, beer, soda or milk. They opted for milk. I opened the new gallon & the 2 dudes sat there & literally finished it in about 5 mins! The didn't talk, just drank, then stopped & left the empty bottle & both glasses on the table, the. They went back in front of the TV, which was still off.
I mean--wow, socially stunted & more. I hope they were smart. Never found out as I graduated before they did. My roommate would say the 2 guys were ok, but he had to yell at them about stuff, like tracking mud or snow in, or being covered in wet/rain & sitting on the couch in their raincoats, getting everything wet. Yikes! This EE dude I know is brilliant! Like evil genius/Lex Luthor brilliant, and socially well adjusted, so maybe the other 2 were flukes? It's really a bimodal distribution with engineers. Weird ass motherfuckers, or normal. No real range in between. From an engineers POV (Mechanical/Metallurgical) that distribution has no regard to ones profession or level of education. There are weird ass motherfuckers as well as perceived normals in every socioeconomic class. I'm not trying to talk crap on engineers, I am one.
Pretty much every other profession out there, its fairly wide range. Not so much with engineering. Hence, why all the jokes in this thread exist in the 1st place. I understand. Just pointing it out for those that might not.
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No kidding. My dad was a heavy equipment operator. On my 10th birthday, my dad was part of a crew pouring a bridge deck. While they are pouring, a room full of engineers was debating whether the structure would withstand the weight. The bridge collapsed and my dad was buried under fresh concrete and a piece of rebar went through his neck, just missing his jugular artery. His ears were full of concrete. My dad and all the men on the bridge survived. So, did the engineers, although I think that a couple of them should have been beaten within an inch of their lives when the operators got out of the hospital. I also worked in excavating for 30 years. I met a few good engineers over the years, but most of them were worse than useless. They were actually an impediment on the jobs. Quoted:
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Ha, ha, love it, will post some of these at work, engineering company. Next time you drive over a bridge let's hope the guy's who designed it weren't laughing so hard at these jokes that they fucked up the design. It could make your day very bad. just saying, wink winkNo kidding. My dad was a heavy equipment operator. On my 10th birthday, my dad was part of a crew pouring a bridge deck. While they are pouring, a room full of engineers was debating whether the structure would withstand the weight. The bridge collapsed and my dad was buried under fresh concrete and a piece of rebar went through his neck, just missing his jugular artery. His ears were full of concrete. My dad and all the men on the bridge survived. So, did the engineers, although I think that a couple of them should have been beaten within an inch of their lives when the operators got out of the hospital. I also worked in excavating for 30 years. I met a few good engineers over the years, but most of them were worse than useless. They were actually an impediment on the jobs. Is this the engineering version of some people have a condition and my mom is one of them? |
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A rocket scientist (doctorate in aerospace working at the JPL) used to give tours of my command for examples of engineering outside-the-box. He wore two watches and nobody asked him why ... I did ... one was broken so he needed the second to tell time. Once he came all the way out there (about 40 miles) barefooted ... and blamed his wife for not dressing him before letting him out of the house. The guy was scary smart and could do differential calculus with half of his brain tied behind his back ... and was never wrong. I blame his wife as well. That man should not have to worry about trivialities such as making sure he's dressed. |
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One of my college roommates was an engineer--he was a bright guy who saw the big picture. But he hung out with 2 other engineers who would sit in our apartment, staring at the TV, not talking & the TV was off. It was bizarre. One day I offered them a drink--juice, beer, soda or milk. They opted for milk. I opened the new gallon & the 2 dudes sat there & literally finished it in about 5 mins! The didn't talk, just drank, then stopped & left the empty bottle & both glasses on the table, the. They went back in front of the TV, which was still off.
I mean--wow, socially stunted & more. I hope they were smart. Never found out as I graduated before they did. My roommate would say the 2 guys were ok, but he had to yell at them about stuff, like tracking mud or snow in, or being covered in wet/rain & sitting on the couch in their raincoats, getting everything wet. Yikes! This EE dude I know is brilliant! Like evil genius/Lex Luthor brilliant, and socially well adjusted, so maybe the other 2 were flukes? I knew one who's admitted main hobby was watching TV. But I think she turned it on. |
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I work on a floor with about 100 other engineers. They are some of the biggest social misfits on the planet. At least half of them are founders of the "Nerd Guild" If I had a nickel for every time one of the older guys said that he helped lay the foundation for the internet, The best part is hearing one of them describe the noise that their car started making, to another engineer, in hopes that someone might be able to know exactly what it is. I usually interrupt and ask them to make the noise over and over at least 3 -4 times with a few more questions and then say "I have no idea" I have to admit that some of them are pretty brilliant. How many times a day do you hear "I have a theory..." said in casual conversation? |
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Is this the engineering version of some people have a condition and my mom is one of them? Quoted:
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Ha, ha, love it, will post some of these at work, engineering company. Next time you drive over a bridge let's hope the guy's who designed it weren't laughing so hard at these jokes that they fucked up the design. It could make your day very bad. just saying, wink winkNo kidding. My dad was a heavy equipment operator. On my 10th birthday, my dad was part of a crew pouring a bridge deck. While they are pouring, a room full of engineers was debating whether the structure would withstand the weight. The bridge collapsed and my dad was buried under fresh concrete and a piece of rebar went through his neck, just missing his jugular artery. His ears were full of concrete. My dad and all the men on the bridge survived. So, did the engineers, although I think that a couple of them should have been beaten within an inch of their lives when the operators got out of the hospital. I also worked in excavating for 30 years. I met a few good engineers over the years, but most of them were worse than useless. They were actually an impediment on the jobs. Is this the engineering version of some people have a condition and my mom is one of them? No. This actually happened. |