Posted: 4/8/2003 11:59:00 AM EDT
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Important Health Information > >Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this >true? >A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . don't >waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up >your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can >extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? >Take a nap. > >Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? >A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay >and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more >than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. >Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass >(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your >recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. > >Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? >A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As >we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three >categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that >beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table >of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a >burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. > >Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? >A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one >to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. > >Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular >exercise program? >A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No >Pain...Good. > >Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? >A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. >In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be >bad for you? > >Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? >A: Thicker gravy. > >Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the >middle? >A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You >should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. > >Q: Is chocolate bad for me? >A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! >"It's the best feel-good food around!" > >Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had >about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! > >One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and >salt." |