[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Jokes For Intellectuals (Page 1 of 3)
Posted: 4/23/2015 10:52:24 PM EDT
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1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.” 3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”. 4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?” 5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.” 6. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally. 7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!” 9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.” 10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!” 11. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.” 12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be. 13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized. 14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.” 16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react. 17. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t. 18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.” 19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. 20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though. |
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1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!” 2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.” 3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”. 4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?” 5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.” 6. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally. 7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!” 9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.” 10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!” 11. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.” 12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be. 13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized. 14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.” 16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react. 17. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t. 18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.” 19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. 20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though. I've heard a lot of these before, I'm as positive as an atom missing an electron..... . . . 
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1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!” 2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.” 3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”. 4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?” 5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.” 6. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally. 7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!” 9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.” 10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!” 11. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.” 12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be. 13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized. 14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.” 16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react. 17. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t. 18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.” 19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. 20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though. 
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Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway and gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg if he was aware of how fast he was going. Heisenberg says no. The cop replies, "You were going 108 miles per hour." Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, "Great! Now I'm lost."
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying overnight in a hotel. During the night a fire breaks out. The engineer wakes up, walks out into the hallway, and sees the fire. The engineer grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the fire out.
Later that night the fire breaks out again, but this time the physicist wakes up. The physicist walks out into the hallway and sees the fire. After calculating ambient temperature and air pressure, the physicist puts out the fire. Later that night, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoldering embers. The mathematician walks out into the hall, and thinks for a minute. The mathematician then rekindles the fire from the embers, and goes back to bed satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one. |
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Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway and gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg if he was aware of how fast he was going. Heisenberg says no. The cop replies, "You were going 108 miles per hour." Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, "Great! Now I'm lost." http://media.giphy.com/media/1gArwncRlXac8GIhNy8/giphy.gif 
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Schrödinger's cat is actually quite smart. After running the experiment a few times, Schrödinger opened the box to discover that the cat was neither alive nor dead, but was in fact gone. Turns out that the cat just got tired of being locked in a box and occasionally gassed, so it ran away.
I tried to peer review the study, but the problem was finding a sufficient number of n-dimensional hypercats to get repeatability. They kept disappearing into Calabi-Meow manifolds. |
| An engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates, St. Peter is on a break and the new guy accidentally sends the engineer to Hell. A week later St. Peter realizes the mistake and takes a trip to Hell. When He gets there he asks Satan for the engineer back. Satan looks at him and refuses. St. Peter argues it was an accident and the engineer deserves to be in heaven. Satan says no and tells St. Peter, no way, the first week the engineer Air Conditioned the place and next week he said he is building an ice maker |
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Here's my favorite, from the introduction of an econometric journal article. "A government official asks a mathematician, an economist and an econometrician, "What does 2 billion+2billion equal?" The mathematician emphatically says 4 billion, the economist says that it depends, and the econometrician asks, "What do you want it to be?  "" |
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An engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates, St. Peter is on a break and the new guy accidentally sends the engineer to Hell. A week later St. Peter realizes the mistake and takes a trip to Hell. When He gets there he asks Satan for the engineer back. Satan looks at him and refuses. St. Peter argues it was an accident and the engineer deserves to be in heaven. Satan says no and tells St. Peter, no way, the first week the engineer Air Conditioned the place and next week he said he is building an ice maker So St Peter says "well, we're going to SUE you to get him back then!" Satan guffaws and says "oh yeah?? Where are you gonna get a lawyer?" |
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1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!” 2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.” 3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”. 4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?” 5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.” 6. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally. 7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!” 9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.” 10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!” 11. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.” 12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be. 13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized. 14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.” 16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react. 17. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t. 18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.” 19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread. 20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.
It took me a few seconds
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So St Peter says "well, we're going to SUE you to get him back then!" Satan guffaws and says "oh yeah?? Where are you gonna get a lawyer?" Quoted:
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An engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates, St. Peter is on a break and the new guy accidentally sends the engineer to Hell. A week later St. Peter realizes the mistake and takes a trip to Hell. When He gets there he asks Satan for the engineer back. Satan looks at him and refuses. St. Peter argues it was an accident and the engineer deserves to be in heaven. Satan says no and tells St. Peter, no way, the first week the engineer Air Conditioned the place and next week he said he is building an ice maker So St Peter says "well, we're going to SUE you to get him back then!" Satan guffaws and says "oh yeah?? Where are you gonna get a lawyer?" I was waiting for that......
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