[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Yet another divorce thread (Page 1 of 3)
Posted: 9/4/2014 1:51:33 AM EDT
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Anyone care to share some advice? Married 5 years, both hard working professionals (ok, I full time she works part time but she could work full time if she chooses). She has a 17 year old son who flat out hates me...getting ready to pull that lovely eject handle for several reasons. Debts and assets will just about equal out. It should be a pretty clean split if she is willing to play nice. The hardest part for me is that "my" dog (from before the relationship) is so attached to her that it was break his 10 year old heart to split up...
Should I try to file independently and amicably or jump straight to a lawyer. What do I have to loose if I try and work it out first and go a lawyer if that doesn't work? There are no suspicions of infidelity and I don't think she sees this coming. Lots of advice here...the curse of ARFCOM? |
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Quoted: "Somebody... Somewhere... Is tired of her shit. I guess that's you, OP  My divorce was recently final. It was very painless (except the trying to save a failed marriage part  ).Good luck! Quoted: Quoted: I may be new but I understand the rules... "Somebody... Somewhere... Is tired of her shit. I guess that's you, OP My divorce was recently final. It was very painless (except the trying to save a failed marriage part ).Good luck! Yup, I am tired of her shit (and her sons shit). Don't want to be too negative but there is only so much one man can take (or should be able to take) |
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Quoted: Yup, I am tired of her shit (and her sons shit). Don't want to be too negative but there is only so much one man can take (or should be able to take) Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: I may be new but I understand the rules... "Somebody... Somewhere... Is tired of her shit. I guess that's you, OP My divorce was recently final. It was very painless (except the trying to save a failed marriage part ).Good luck! Yup, I am tired of her shit (and her sons shit). Don't want to be too negative but there is only so much one man can take (or should be able to take) Life is too fucking short to carry someone else's baggage. Eject and live a great life. |
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Anyone care to share some advice? Married 5 years, both hard working professionals (ok, I full time she works part time but she could work full time if she chooses). She has a 17 year old son who flat out hates me...getting ready to pull that lovely eject handle for several reasons. Debts and assets will just about equal out. It should be a pretty clean split if she is willing to play nice. The hardest part for me is that "my" dog (from before the relationship) is so attached to her that it was break his 10 year old heart to split up... Should I try to file independently and amicably or jump straight to a lawyer. What do I have to loose if I try and work it out first and go a lawyer if that doesn't work? There are no suspicions of infidelity and I don't think she sees this coming. Lots of advice here...the curse of ARFCOM? Get a lawyer right freaking now. I'm sure there's a shit ton of drama with the 17 year old. |
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Get a lawyer right freaking now. Quoted:
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Anyone care to share some advice? Married 5 years, both hard working professionals (ok, I full time she works part time but she could work full time if she chooses). She has a 17 year old son who flat out hates me...getting ready to pull that lovely eject handle for several reasons. Debts and assets will just about equal out. It should be a pretty clean split if she is willing to play nice. The hardest part for me is that "my" dog (from before the relationship) is so attached to her that it was break his 10 year old heart to split up... Should I try to file independently and amicably or jump straight to a lawyer. What do I have to loose if I try and work it out first and go a lawyer if that doesn't work? There are no suspicions of infidelity and I don't think she sees this coming. Lots of advice here...the curse of ARFCOM? Get a lawyer right freaking now. Why "right freaking now"...just curious...there is no rush that I can see. I have the element of surprise on my side And yes, the 17 year old is literally driving me nuts...literally |
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I agree with the hive.... get your lawyer to make sure you're doing it right. Then be nice as possible and roll out. It will be tough but you will be happier in the future. It will be worth it even if it seems to suck real bad at first. oh yeah, her tears turn to acid once she gets pissed and realizes you aren't coming back. Her boy will make it easier because he will see the "OUT" and actually make it easier on you.
Good Luck man |
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Why "right freaking now"...just curious...there is no rush that I can see. I have the element of surprise on my side Quoted:
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Anyone care to share some advice? Married 5 years, both hard working professionals (ok, I full time she works part time but she could work full time if she chooses). She has a 17 year old son who flat out hates me...getting ready to pull that lovely eject handle for several reasons. Debts and assets will just about equal out. It should be a pretty clean split if she is willing to play nice. The hardest part for me is that "my" dog (from before the relationship) is so attached to her that it was break his 10 year old heart to split up... Should I try to file independently and amicably or jump straight to a lawyer. What do I have to loose if I try and work it out first and go a lawyer if that doesn't work? There are no suspicions of infidelity and I don't think she sees this coming. Lots of advice here...the curse of ARFCOM? Get a lawyer right freaking now. Why "right freaking now"...just curious...there is no rush that I can see. I have the element of surprise on my side She'll have one sooner or later. After cruising the cream of the crop. You'll be left with the dregs. Once they've conferred with her, whether she hires them or not, they can't work for you. Get a lawyer now. Believe me, that amicable and cooperative stuff is a pipe dream. Prepare for a knife fight. |
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Quoted: Yup, I am tired of her shit (and her sons shit). Don't want to be too negative but there is only so much one man can take (or should be able to take) Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: I may be new but I understand the rules... "Somebody... Somewhere... Is tired of her shit. I guess that's you, OP My divorce was recently final. It was very painless (except the trying to save a failed marriage part ).Good luck! Yup, I am tired of her shit (and her sons shit). Don't want to be too negative but there is only so much one man can take (or should be able to take) Does she know you're on the verge of separation? maybe you should discuss on whats going on with her, and how its pushing you away |
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get a lawyer now because you're going to give up the game and get fucked. now that you made a decision, you're going to act differently because you're in a different reality. She's going to pick up on that and life will be gruesome.
plus, your lawyer is going to lay out how it is better than a bunch of guys on arfcom. |
| Why did you not assert dominance in the beginning?? I. E. Let that kid know who's boss.. With a belt.. No wonder he hates you, he doesn't respect you.. Sorry for the sad truth, but that's why you came here to ask. So either stop taking shit from the kid, or lawyer up. I'd just go ahead and lawyer up. |
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I am her third marriage...so she is no rookie to the process. I hope no knife fight is ahead of me but I am preparing a "war chest". Changed all my passwords yesterday to everything. Guess it is time to shop lawyers (even if just for a consultation).
And yes, she knows there is trouble, we have talked multiple times and nothing changes |
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Why did you not assert dominance in the beginning?? I. E. Let that kid know who's boss.. With a belt.. No wonder he hates you, he doesn't respect you.. Sorry for the sad truth, but that's why you came here to ask. So either stop taking shit from the kid, or lawyer up. I'd just go ahead and lawyer up. Unfortunately his last "father" beat the shit out of him regularly. He was 9 when I met him but the dammage was done. If I even raise my voice he freaks out... And you are right, I don't blame him...and I appreciate the 'sad truth'...it is what I am looking for |
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I just want to believe that we could avoid a lawyer...I hear your answers and I know you are right. Nothing wrong with consulting with an attorney to look things over. Not necessarily to battle things out. And then again it's like a loaded gun on your hip. |
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At the very least, consult an attorney as the others have said. Each state usually has it's own peculiar divorce laws and ME is no exception. I know someone who's estranged wife moved to ME in order to establish residency so she could divorce her husband in TN.
You may stand a good chance of getting out cleaner than most, but get an attorney to insure that. Yours is the exact reason why I will not date women with kids, especially kids still in the home. I got divorced when I was 44 and now at 51 it is still very difficult to find women with no kids or kids up and out. But that's okay, my life is very peaceful and relatively stress free not having someone else's crotch fruit around who despises me. |
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It's rare but no pipe dream. Mine cost me $190. Couldn't be happier. Quoted:
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Believe me, that amicable and cooperative stuff is a pipe dream. Prepare for a knife fight. It's rare but no pipe dream. Mine cost me $190. Couldn't be happier. Mine cost me zero. I kept the house , the boat, my truck . |
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Quoted: Unfortunately his last "father" beat the shit out of him regularly. He was 9 when I met him but the dammage was done. If I even raise my voice he freaks out... And you are right, I don't blame him...and I appreciate the 'sad truth'...it is what I am looking for Quoted: Quoted: Why did you not assert dominance in the beginning?? I. E. Let that kid know who's boss.. With a belt.. No wonder he hates you, he doesn't respect you.. Sorry for the sad truth, but that's why you came here to ask. So either stop taking shit from the kid, or lawyer up. I'd just go ahead and lawyer up. Unfortunately his last "father" beat the shit out of him regularly. He was 9 when I met him but the dammage was done. If I even raise my voice he freaks out... And you are right, I don't blame him...and I appreciate the 'sad truth'...it is what I am looking for You took on the role of his father when you married her. You can't just wash your hands of your children. If you think he had problems, imagine how bad off he will be when he realizes another father figure abandoned him. |
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You took on the role of his father when you married her. You can't just wash your hands of your children. If you think he had problems, imagine how bad off he will be when he realizes another father figure abandoned him. Quoted:
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Why did you not assert dominance in the beginning?? I. E. Let that kid know who's boss.. With a belt.. No wonder he hates you, he doesn't respect you.. Sorry for the sad truth, but that's why you came here to ask. So either stop taking shit from the kid, or lawyer up. I'd just go ahead and lawyer up. Unfortunately his last "father" beat the shit out of him regularly. He was 9 when I met him but the dammage was done. If I even raise my voice he freaks out... And you are right, I don't blame him...and I appreciate the 'sad truth'...it is what I am looking for You took on the role of his father when you married her. You can't just wash your hands of your children. If you think he had problems, imagine how bad off he will be when he realizes another father figure abandoned him. Oh I disagree...he even told me so yesterday...took the time to remind me that I am not his father - this has been 8 years of this shit. I am angry but remaining calm...part of me wants to try and ride it out just 1 more year until he is off to collage...but that doesn't change anything long term |
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OP, almost everyone has given you the straight scoop. Protect yourself, walk away, as long as your retirement and rights are safe, you'll be OK.. Sorry OP, been there twice, never easy. I asked for it...and I got it. I knew inside that is what I had to do but was just hoping to go the "easy" way...sounds like the lawyer is the easy and safe way |
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The best part of step kids is they leave. If he hates you he will leave sooner. The more conflict between he and I...the more my wife goes into protection mode aka "mama bear mode". I know this is because of prior abuse issues...8 years and I have never raised a hand to my wife or son but they still both live with their past. |
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Why did you not assert dominance in the beginning?? I. E. Let that kid know who's boss.. With a belt.. No wonder he hates you, he doesn't respect you.. Sorry for the sad truth, but that's why you came here to ask. So either stop taking shit from the kid, or lawyer up. I'd just go ahead and lawyer up. You know less then nothing when it comes to a kid that isn't yours in a marriage. What usually ends up happening is that you have all the responsibility and financial burden of raising a child but none of the rights that go along with it. And one of those rights is the right to punish appropriately when needed. If Momma isn't on board, [and usually they are not] then the kid/s tend to be living nightmares if they decide they want to be antagonistic. Been there, done that, learned my lesson. |
| Have you considered counseling? I mean why straight for divorce. I will warn you that if you go straight to divorce the nuclear option she will come unglued, and it won't be nice. Why the fight over the kid in a year he will be 18 and you can kick his ass out of the house. Maybe enroll the little shit in the military that will make him see how good he had it. Also if they kid was older than three when you came into his life you can't play disciplinarian she has to do it, if you try he will just resent you which looks like the issue you are having. If she won't this is where family counseling come in. |
| The reason you get the lawyer right now,is because she can sense that you are about to eject and will take action. Additionally, the lawyer will help you plan a graceful escape. The lawyer does this for a living and is detached from the situation and can see it clearly, you are not and can not see what is really happening. |
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Have you considered counseling? I mean why straight for divorce. I will warn you that if you go straight to divorce the nuclear option she will come unglued, and it won't be nice. Why the fight over the kid in a year he will be 18 and you can kick his ass out of the house. Maybe enroll the little shit in the military that will make him see how good he had it. Also if they kid was older than three when you came into his life you can't play disciplinarian she has to do it, if you try he will just resent you which looks like the issue you are having. If she won't this is where family counseling come in. Kid will likely still living with mommy til he is 25, maybe older. |
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It's rare but no pipe dream. Mine cost me $190. Couldn't be happier. Quoted:
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Believe me, that amicable and cooperative stuff is a pipe dream. Prepare for a knife fight. It's rare but no pipe dream. Mine cost me $190. Couldn't be happier. In OP's case though, she doesn't see this coming and she probably isn't going to be very happy about it. I wouldn't be surprised if she wants to play hardball. Mine was easy. Too easy. She just wanted OUT. Ok, bye. |
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Kid will likely still living with mommy til he is 25, maybe older. Quoted:
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Have you considered counseling? I mean why straight for divorce. I will warn you that if you go straight to divorce the nuclear option she will come unglued, and it won't be nice. Why the fight over the kid in a year he will be 18 and you can kick his ass out of the house. Maybe enroll the little shit in the military that will make him see how good he had it. Also if they kid was older than three when you came into his life you can't play disciplinarian she has to do it, if you try he will just resent you which looks like the issue you are having. If she won't this is where family counseling come in. Kid will likely still living with mommy til he is 25, maybe older. Maybe a bit harsh...maybe...LOL |
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Do you work nights or you just cant sleep? As mentioned, talk to a lawyer, but start hiding your shit too. Got a friend you can store your goods and other things? If you have personal savings? start getting 'proof' that you spent the money. Good luck OP. Night shift...off shift in 45 min then bed where hopefully I can sleep |
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Quoted: Oh I disagree...he even told me so yesterday...took the time to remind me that I am not his father - this has been 8 years of this shit. I am angry but remaining calm...part of me wants to try and ride it out just 1 more year until he is off to collage...but that doesn't change anything long term Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Why did you not assert dominance in the beginning?? I. E. Let that kid know who's boss.. With a belt.. No wonder he hates you, he doesn't respect you.. Sorry for the sad truth, but that's why you came here to ask. So either stop taking shit from the kid, or lawyer up. I'd just go ahead and lawyer up. Unfortunately his last "father" beat the shit out of him regularly. He was 9 when I met him but the dammage was done. If I even raise my voice he freaks out... And you are right, I don't blame him...and I appreciate the 'sad truth'...it is what I am looking for You took on the role of his father when you married her. You can't just wash your hands of your children. If you think he had problems, imagine how bad off he will be when he realizes another father figure abandoned him. Oh I disagree...he even told me so yesterday...took the time to remind me that I am not his father - this has been 8 years of this shit. I am angry but remaining calm...part of me wants to try and ride it out just 1 more year until he is off to collage...but that doesn't change anything long term He is a child, 17 or not, the boy doesn't know crap. Sounds like he needs help of some kind, maybe psychological, maybe just someone he respects. Just don't be surprised when he goes off the deep end. Meanwhile society will likely have to pick up the slack. I am really sorry you are miserable, but it sets a really bad precedent for your parenting potential, and it sounds like that is a big problem in your marriage. The complexities are greater than any of us here on arfcom can understand. However it plays out, I hope you stay true to your own word, you remain admirable in all things, there is not much else a man can bring along in life with him, and without them you lose any hope of things playing out differently in the future. |
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Have you considered counseling? I mean why straight for divorce. I will warn you that if you go straight to divorce the nuclear option she will come unglued, and it won't be nice. Why the fight over the kid in a year he will be 18 and you can kick his ass out of the house. Maybe enroll the little shit in the military that will make him see how good he had it. Also if they kid was older than three when you came into his life you can't play disciplinarian she has to do it, if you try he will just resent you which looks like the issue you are having. If she won't this is where family counseling come in. That is a great question. We have paid for 4 years of weekly private counselling sessions that ended 5 months ago. Why striaght to divorce? Because I think there are too many issues...more then I want to air here (more then I already have LOL) |
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Quoted: The more conflict between he and I...the more my wife goes into protection mode aka "mama bear mode". I know this is because of prior abuse issues...8 years and I have never raised a hand to my wife or son but they still both live with their past. Quoted: Quoted: The best part of step kids is they leave. If he hates you he will leave sooner. The more conflict between he and I...the more my wife goes into protection mode aka "mama bear mode". I know this is because of prior abuse issues...8 years and I have never raised a hand to my wife or son but they still both live with their past. I'd say, no matter what, get a divorce. |
| If you can keep it civil, going the PRO-se divorce is pretty painless. Agree on the terms, and keep your mouth closed so she doesn't decide to lawyer up. It hurts, and sucks but time heals things(It is NEVER 100 percent like before however). Been through it myself, and will NEVER go through it again. |
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Beat her to the punch?
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Why "right freaking now"...just curious...there is no rush that I can see. I have the element of surprise on my side And yes, the 17 year old is literally driving me nuts...literally Quoted:
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Anyone care to share some advice? Married 5 years, both hard working professionals (ok, I full time she works part time but she could work full time if she chooses). She has a 17 year old son who flat out hates me...getting ready to pull that lovely eject handle for several reasons. Debts and assets will just about equal out. It should be a pretty clean split if she is willing to play nice. The hardest part for me is that "my" dog (from before the relationship) is so attached to her that it was break his 10 year old heart to split up... Should I try to file independently and amicably or jump straight to a lawyer. What do I have to loose if I try and work it out first and go a lawyer if that doesn't work? There are no suspicions of infidelity and I don't think she sees this coming. Lots of advice here...the curse of ARFCOM? Get a lawyer right freaking now. Why "right freaking now"...just curious...there is no rush that I can see. I have the element of surprise on my side And yes, the 17 year old is literally driving me nuts...literally |