[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Joke thread!! (Page 1 of 3)
Posted: 7/8/2012 7:53:39 PM EDT
A polish golfer broke his neck and died today.... He fell off the ball washer.... Lets here what you got... |
Not a polish joke but one of my favorites .
A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him "You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?" St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him. So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?" God answered, "You are what you are." The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, "Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes..." "What was the answer," St. Peter asked. "Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are."' "Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a white horse with black stripes." "How do you know that?" asked the zebra. "Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: "You is what you is" |
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A Indian, A Arab and a Jew are on a boat and the boat goes down. They are left floating in the middle of the ocean. A shark comes eats the Arab, Eats the Jew, leaves the Indian. The Indian looks up and says "Why did you spare me?" & The shark pops up and says "I ate one of your kind last week and my asshole is still burning."  |
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An old nun, a cute Swedish girl, an American guy, and a Frenchman are all in a train car. The train goes into a dark tunnel and all 4 hear a slap. When they emerge, no one says a word but the Frenchman has a red hand print across his face.
The nun thinks that the Frenchman groped the Swedish girl, so she slapped him. The Swedish girl thinks that the Frenchman tried groping her, but groped the nun instead, so the nun slapped him. The Frenchman thinks the American groped the french girl and she mistakenly slapped him instead. The American is hoping there will be more tunnels so he can slap the Frenchman again |
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I made this one up  .What was the only weapon to be removed from a megaman game? The Filibuster. What boss bot used it? Congressman. HOAHOHOAHAHOEHOASHEOHOEHOAHOEHAOEAEOAOEHOAHOEHOAHOAHOAHOAOAOHAOHAO This is the only time in my life I wished I was Site Staff. I'd ban you so hard your keyboard would be spinning till your mom offered some cookies to make you feel better. |
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I made this one up .What was the only weapon to be removed from a megaman game? The Filibuster. What boss bot used it? Congressman. HOAHOHOAHAHOEHOASHEOHOEHOAHOEHAOEAEOAOEHOAHOEHOAHOAHOAHOAOAOHAOHAO Choke yourself. I loved it. Keep it up, Credge. |
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I overheard this one at autozone recently........ If a Cougar is a woman that likes younger boys, what do you call a man that likes younger boys? A Nittany Lion Ouch Feeling kind of stupid here, but I don't get it  Nittany Lion http://hatermagnetpr.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/joe_paterno_-_13.jpg Ah, the mascot, funny now that I get it
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Not a polish joke but one of my favorites .
A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him "You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?" St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him. So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?" God answered, "You are what you are." The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, "Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes..." "What was the answer," St. Peter asked. "Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are."' "Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a white horse with black stripes." "How do you know that?" asked the zebra. "Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: "You is what you is" LMAO. The nurse just came in and asked if I was ok. That was some funny shit.. 
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An American, a Mexican, and a British guy are all white water rafting...
Soon the British guy pulls out some tea drinks a glass, then throughs the hole pot in the water.... The American and the Mexican are pissed and say we could have drank that... The British guy just shacks his head and seas well we got a lot of that in my country... Soon the Mexican pulls out some weed and smokes him a joint.... Then promptly throughs the bag into the water... The American and the British guy are like what the hell we could have smoked that.... The Mexican just seas got a lot more in my country.... The American thinks real hard and soon gets a big smile on his face.... He grabs hold of the Mexican and through his ass in the water.... The British guy is stuned and begeans so scream for help..... The American just says.... Hay we got a lot of them in my country... |
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Quoted: An American, a Mexican, and a British guy are all white water rafting... Soon the British guy pulls out some tea drinks a glass, then throughs the hole pot in the water.... The American and the Mexican are pissed and say we could have drank that... The British guy just shacks his head and seas well we got a lot of that in my country... Soon the Mexican pulls out some weed and smokes him a joint.... Then promptly throughs the bag into the water... The American and the British guy are like what the hell we could have smoked that.... The Mexican just seas got a lot more in my country.... The American thinks real hard and soon gets a big smile on his face.... He grabs hold of the Mexican and through his ass in the water.... The British guy is stuned and begeans so scream for help..... The American just says.... Hay we got a lot of them in my country... I didn't address the horrible-even-for-conversational-English grammar, but when your spelling is so bad it distracts from your joke making fun of immigrants, it's time to ask gene5 to give you some book learnin'. |
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A Polish guy goes to the doctor with some problems and the doctor writes him a prescription for a suppository.
A couple of days later the Polish guy is back in the office: PG: Doc, these things are working at all...I need something else! Doc: Well, are you using them properly? PG: What the hell do you think I'm doing??? Shoving 'em up my ass!!! |
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The Medical Association has weighed in on the Affordable Care Act...
The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...." The podiatrists thought it was a step backward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington. Please join me in remembering a great ICON of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. |
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When playing baseball with filthy whores, the third base coach pumping her fist doesn't mean "go." When playing baseball with filthy whores, you'll get a lot of heat coming from the pitcher's mound. When playing baseball with filthy whores, every player gets a turn on the organ. When playing baseball with filthy whores, the bleachers are actually guys with mop buckets. When watching a baseball game with filthy whores, expect to leave with a couple foul balls. When playing baseball with filthy whores, don't tell the pitcher to "put some stank on it."
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The Medical Association has weighed in on the Affordable Care Act... The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...." The podiatrists thought it was a step backward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington. Ok... that's a good one!
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When playing baseball with filthy whores, the third base coach pumping her fist doesn't mean "go." When playing baseball with filthy whores, you'll get a lot of heat coming from the pitcher's mound. When playing baseball with filthy whores, every player gets a turn on the organ. When playing baseball with filthy whores, the bleachers are actually guys with mop buckets. When watching a baseball game with filthy whores, expect to leave with a couple foul balls. When playing baseball with filthy whores, don't tell the pitcher to "put some stank on it." Playing baseball is never something that came to mind when I was in the company of filthy whores. |
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An American, a Mexican, and a British guy are all white water rafting... Soon the British guy pulls out some tea drinks a glass, then throughs the hole pot in the water.... The American and the Mexican are pissed and say we could have drank that... The British guy just shacks his head and seas well we got a lot of that in my country... Soon the Mexican pulls out some weed and smokes him a joint.... Then promptly throughs the bag into the water... The American and the British guy are like what the hell we could have smoked that.... The Mexican just seas got a lot more in my country.... The American thinks real hard and soon gets a big smile on his face.... He grabs hold of the Mexican and through his ass in the water.... The British guy is stuned and begeans so scream for help..... The American just says.... Hay we got a lot of them in my country... Your "hole" post is full of fuck. Full of fuck from the "begeaning". Hey, how do you "shack" your head or "sea" something? Also, "hay" is for horses. Seriously though, your spelling and grammar really have me "stuned". I'm about to "through" a fit, I'm so "stuned" |
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Quoted: Quoted: When playing baseball with filthy whores, the third base coach pumping her fist doesn't mean "go." When playing baseball with filthy whores, you'll get a lot of heat coming from the pitcher's mound. When playing baseball with filthy whores, every player gets a turn on the organ. When playing baseball with filthy whores, the bleachers are actually guys with mop buckets. When watching a baseball game with filthy whores, expect to leave with a couple foul balls. When playing baseball with filthy whores, don't tell the pitcher to "put some stank on it." Playing baseball is never something that came to mind when I was in the company of filthy whores. Classic "delay" technique. |
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It's exactly 12 steps from the couch to my liquor cabinet. Is the Universe trying to tell me something? Ever wake up with a crick in your neck, and then hillbillies show up and try to have sex by it? Thank God, I finally found a body pillow that's absorbent enough. I wonder if anyone warned Courtney Love that naming her band "Hole" could be seen as a bit tacky. Was Tased by the police over some drunken shenanigans, yelled "It's Sting!" I meant, "It stings!" but got jolted again for being a smartass. With visual media congressmen seemed to get much more stylish, Dems especially, which is impressive considering the leap from Klan robes. Gotta tell your Italian GF to wax or nothin', otherwise might as well bareback it cause a condom ain't surviving that or a porcupine. Good on Obama for the integrity to wait 'til he was comfortable with gay marriage to endorse–– and on Biden for a final nudge with the BJ. Women always tell me I can find something beautiful inside anyone if I look hard enough. But they always freak when I pull out the speculum. A loud, ripping fart lets the ladies in the club know "there's no hair in this salad." My kind eyes reassure them I'll rinse the lettuce. I don't celebrate Mother's Day. I say it like it's on some kind of principle so when people ask I can tell them she's dead. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and water. Some girls beat the odds. My dog ate a goosedown pillow, and now I have a month's supply of Fluffernutter. The neighbor children will be thrilled. When I'm flossing and my fingertips turn purple, I like to imagine I'm blowing two midgets. It's my make-believe charity for the day. Melville knew exactly what his spinoff prospects were when he made Moby Dick a sperm whale. Decisions: Swiffer "Regular", Swiffer "with Lemon Pledge", or Swiffer "Poisonous to Persian Cats." Considering healthcare prices, I'd like improvement in the diagnostic experience–– for instance, nurses who measure blood pressure hands-free. And Jesus said, "That is when I carried you, my son." "Really? 'Cause I'm a size 13 and lost those toes in a farm accident. Pretty sure that's all me." I suspect in Japan, "Rape fish (Keep refrigerated!)," is one of the items programmed into the label maker in police evidence rooms. I hate having to yell how I want my hair cut over the barbershop quartet. The problem w/mentholated Gold Bond is the locker room erections. Well, really more an inconvenience, cause it ain't goin' down by itself. You know what they say about Siamese cat vaginas–– yep, sideways. But, hey, it's all pink on the inside. I know a guy who's penis is so crooked he uses sex to work his obliques. He approaches glory holes sideways. He invented the glory corner. I know a guy who's penis is so crooked he stares men down at the urinal by accident. At orgies, women always think he wants "that girl instead." I know a guy who's penis is so crooked he doesn't shake it off, he just blames the wet spot on a leaky Blistex. I know a guy who's penis is so crooked it's monitored by the government because it questions everything. Your momma's so dumb, during the solar eclipse she ran around the park telling everyone to keep moving or they'd get a circular sunburn. I fantasize "accidentally" opening my door on a sport biker splitting lanes. Then I remember Jesus hates them too; he'll take care of it. El Pollo Loco's advertising team will have an awkward year if they ever find a poultry version of BSE in chicken. A TV producer walks into a bar, his lawyer offers to sue whoever mounted it so low, the producer decides he'd prefer the bar was kept there. I went to the Whole Foods parking lot, poured a bag of potting soil & a 6 foot elm through a Prius' sunroof and wrote "Mobile Greenspace" on it in shoe polish. They say not to pee on the third rail, I guess because it makes it harder to snort. Sometimes I take the bus only to justify buying new pants. I wear an athletic cup through the TSA line so I can say I'm uncomfortable with them groping my junk yet ensure they have to feel inside. Quadriplegics are up in arms over aggressive TSA procedures. I'm Doubtful the federal lawsuit has legs. If there's one thing I don't like, it's reductivism. Honeydew are the sheep of fruit. I used my clarifying shampoo this morning and now I'm on much better terms with the girlfriend regarding "where this is going." Fact: 24% of rapists are caught due to confusion over what a rape kit is and where to buy one. I have cat-like reflexes, so I frequently get doors slammed on my penis. Ticks are Nature's way of reminding you to look at your asshole with a hand mirror. I say, no reminder necessary! You really shouldn't spank your children unless they're into that sort of thing. A watched pox never boils. I support the troops by plastering "No Military Allowed" on strip club doors. I think Casey Anthony would be a pretty baby-anxiety-free lay. "Hey pretty lady, I see you have a prosthetic leg. Mind if I split the difference?" There's a point in the morning where you must weigh the urge to piss against the comfort of staying in bed. What's the solution?... Depends. Wish I'd researched "scissor jack" before I tried it. Apparently it's a thing, not "a thing." Ever been pulled over by a female cop so hot you wished they could only check your BAC with a forcible semen sample? Me neither. Neil Young + Bob Dylan - Bill Ayers = Tom Petty When you've been on a steady diet of PB&J sandwiches for a while, eating on the toilet becomes a dangerous game of finger-licking confusion. Have I put anything odd on my penis recently? Doc, it'd probably be quicker for you to just start listing things that could cause the rash. Pro-tip: Father's Day reminds strippers of their motivation, so they really bring their A-game. Also coincides with Sunday shrimp buffet. McDonalds has s'mores pies! It's 1/3rd of the authentic camping flavor and none of the anxiety of homosexual pranks. I lost my glasses on the way to a house party, ended up at a nursing home. The "treasure map game" turned out to be varicose veins leading to a "haunted forest." I put two and two together and realized math had nothing to do with who killed my dog. "I COULD focus on your orgasm, but that face you make, and the twitching thing... let's work on me for now and see how it goes." Revolution is a wrecking ball of cheese covered in sugar-frosted, Camel-smoking, Glock-humping rats demo'ing Mayor Bloomberg's office. Quickest way to end a relationship: Shave "NEW GF" into her dog; fuck dog while glaring at current girlfriend. I appreciate the lack of mirrors in bathroom stalls, as the urge to masturbate would be quite overwhelming. Deaf people always masturbate facing the door. Cops raided a Scotch tasting after neighbors overheard discussion of a "supple 15yr old." The MANDATE may be constitutional, but I'm sticking with pussy as long as I can resist this gay agenda. Fear is: A ping pong paddle in Venus Williams' night stand. "When I was a child I had a beaver, my hands felt just like two baboons."–– Pink Floyd, Heroes for Hirsutism Benefit '94 I ordered a barrel of monkeys from Amazon, ALL dead on arrival. Within the expiration date but lots of blood. CS better take care of this shit. I brush my teeth less since the introduction of the self-checkout at the supermarket. I also started masturbating with condoms. So the Vatican lost a bunch of money with the worldwide recession. Guess it's back to bulk deposits at the sperm bank, "Line up at the bucket my sons and Father O'Malley will give you a hand." I put the "gas" in "orgasm." |
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An old nun, a cute Swedish girl, an American guy, and a Frenchman are all in a train car. The train goes into a dark tunnel and all 4 hear a slap. When they emerge, no one says a word but the Frenchman has a red hand print across his face. The nun thinks that the Frenchman groped the Swedish girl, so she slapped him. The Swedish girl thinks that the Frenchman tried groping her, but groped the nun instead, so the nun slapped him. The Frenchman thinks the American groped the french girl and she mistakenly slapped him instead. The American is hoping there will be more tunnels so he can slap the Frenchman again 
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