Posted: 10/10/2010 9:48:09 AM EDT
| My wife and I are still working on our marriage, but we both know it's probably for the better that we divorce before we are at each others throats. Neither of us are in love anymore, but we are still very very good friends. Our son was killed 4 years ago and that changed us both to different people than what we married. So in a good way it will be very amicable and agreeable, but we have a 3.5 year old daughter who is the love of my life. Nothing bothers me about divorcing except not seeing my daughter when I want to. Looking for advice or stories on how it was for you after you divorce and seeing your kids. Was it weird at first, and got easier as time went on. What did you say to your kids and did they/do they understand? My wife and I both understand that our daughter comes first, so I do not foresee any crazy custody battles but you never know I guess. |
| I divorced ten years ago when my daughter was the same age as yours. Recently I had to move four hours away from her due to job. It makes it much tougher. Her mother and I get along much better now than when we were married. My daughter is pretty well adjusted because I made the extra effort early on to spend lots of time with her. Girls with absent fathers have attachment problems later in life. She needs you to stay close as possible. Good luck. |
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Sorry to hear about your situation, best of luck.
My brother and his ex worked out their divorce without an attorney. Pretty amazing, they split the assets and when it came to my niece, she spent one week at her mom's and one at my brothers throughout the year. Holidays were worked out as best as possible when families came out to visit them. Sometimes she'd be at my brothers place for Christmas Day, sometimes she was at her mom's place if her family was in town for the holiday. Whichever way it worked, the other parent got time during the holiday. While it worked fairly well, we always missed having my niece around the whole time we visited my brother. It isn't easy, but again, about as good as it can get. Vacations were worked out early each year so as to not conflict whenever possible. Not always possible, but worked surprisingly smoothly. This worked out because they both stayed in the same town and school district to minimize any problems for my niece. While it sounds like it would be tough on my niece, she did extremely well (bro did not dis ex) and now she's in law school at Cornell after graduating from college. Not sure you can work this type of agreement out with your wife, but it's probably as good as it gets in these kind of situations. Best of luck to you. |
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Keep the divorce peaceful, and don't fight over material things. Especially things you don't really care about...but just don't to want the other one to have.
Especially with a young loved one involved, it's in all your best interests to keep it cool, civil, and reasonable. Directly or indirectly, you'll all benefit from keeping peace, since in the years to come, you'll all need to trust each other when the need arises. My wife and I split..with high stakes at hand. We made it through all that, and though we live our seperate lives now...we have no regrets, and no battles. Good luck to you. |
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My wife and I are still working on our marriage, but we both know it's probably for the better that we divorce before we are at each others throats. Neither of us are in love anymore, but we are still very very good friends. Our son was killed 4 years ago and that changed us both to different people than what we married. So in a good way it will be very amicable and agreeable, but we have a 3.5 year old daughter who is the love of my life. Nothing bothers me about divorcing except not seeing my daughter when I want to. Looking for advice or stories on how it was for you after you divorce and seeing your kids. Was it weird at first, and got easier as time went on. What did you say to your kids and did they/do they understand? My wife and I both understand that our daughter comes first, so I do not foresee any crazy custody battles but you never know I guess. My advice to you. Stick it out, the pain you will feel being away from your Daughter will FAR outweigh any relief you get from the divorce. I know this from experience. |
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Tag for the feedback. I'm in a very similar situation. We're in the middle of trying to figure out our young daughter's schedule between parents. It's not easy. If you can stop the divorce, by all means do. Trust me on this one. If it is past a point that you can, then figure out what visitation you want, double it and negotiate from there. I know the grass looks greener on the other-side sometimes, but if it is at all salvageable, then do. Being away from your child will kill you inside more than you will every realize until its too late. |
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Make yourself happy. That is not completely selfish. His "relationship" with his daughter is secondary to raising her in a two parent, loving home. OP: If your wife and you are still good friends, why don't the two of you just decide to get along and not "be at each others throats". Unless she just refuses to do that there is no reason you cannot stay together and raise your daughter. She NEEDS a full time father in her home. I have a 14 year old daughter who is pretty socially active. Our house is "party central" by design, and her friends all love to come over here. I can see a huge difference in those girls who come from divorces and those who do not. Self-esteem, seeking the attention of boys, grades, etc. SOOOO many things. I am not saying those girls from spliit families are not great kids, because they are. However, it is reeadily apaprant which of these girls are getting started off as young adults in a better place. At any rate, I urge you to consider that YOUR "happiness" is secondary to the needs of your child. I also wish you much luck. |
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I'm not a divorced dad but there are lots of studies to show that divorce leads to greater unhappiness. Stay married and work on being happy. Been married 30 years and still working to love my wife. Love isn't what you feel, it's what you do.
[quote"Culturally, Americans think it's morally wrong to stay together if you're unhappy," Waite says. "Every marriage has bad patches. When people stay with the marriage, very often it gets better – maybe a lot better." Among couples who stick it out, she finds, permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare. ][/quote]http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/unhappy-marriage.htm |
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Quoted: http://www.divorceresourcecenter.com/unhappy-marriage.htmI'm not a divorced dad but there are lots of studies to show that divorce leads to greater unhappiness. Stay married and work on being happy. Been married 30 years and still working to love my wife. Love isn't what you feel, it's what you do. [quote"Culturally, Americans think it's morally wrong to stay together if you're unhappy," Waite says. "Every marriage has bad patches. When people stay with the marriage, very often it gets better – maybe a lot better." Among couples who stick it out, she finds, permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare. ] [/quote] Both of my parents were unhappy with their marriage, but things went to total shit for both of them when they divorced. Everyone would have been much better off if they'd stayed married.  |
| We are very good friends, but there is nothing else there. The only reason we are still together is because of our daughter. I think we will definently work on it until we have exhausted all options but both of us know there is an end to it. But it will definently kill me not seeing her face everyday. |
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My first wife & I split when my daughter was 11 mos old. She lived a week with me and a week with the ex until she was 3 when my female lawyer advised me to let her go to her mom's. The ex lived 3 hours away and promised to be fair about "visitation".
Worst mistake I ever made ... She thought "primary residence" = "sole custody". I have an 8 year old daughter & 10 year old boy with wife #2. Suffice to say life has been hell with this one as well. But, I'll never go thru the inability to see these two every day. When it gets bad, I do everything I can to minimize the mood swings and bi-polar drama. When she wants to play with her g.friends, I say have a good time. When she wants "alone time", I say have fun. Nothing is worse than not having your kids. Nothing ... I'm 47 and have 9 years, 11 mos until my youngest is 18. I can do that standing on my head. |
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<snip> Nothing is worse than not having your kids. Nothing ... I'm 47 and have 9 years, 11 mos until my youngest is 18. I can do that standing on my head. It can lift you up, never let you down Take your world and turn it all around Ever since time nothing's ever been found stronger than love Jerry Reed |
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Sorry to hear about your situation, best of luck. My brother and his ex worked out their divorce without an attorney. Pretty amazing, they split the assets and when it came to my niece, she spent one week at her mom's and one at my brothers throughout the year. Holidays were worked out as best as possible when families came out to visit them. Sometimes she'd be at my brothers place for Christmas Day, sometimes she was at her mom's place if her family was in town for the holiday. Whichever way it worked, the other parent got time during the holiday. While it worked fairly well, we always missed having my niece around the whole time we visited my brother. It isn't easy, but again, about as good as it can get. Vacations were worked out early each year so as to not conflict whenever possible. Not always possible, but worked surprisingly smoothly. This worked out because they both stayed in the same town and school district to minimize any problems for my niece. While it sounds like it would be tough on my niece, she did extremely well (bro did not dis ex) and now she's in law school at Cornell after graduating from college. Not sure you can work this type of agreement out with your wife, but it's probably as good as it gets in these kind of situations. Best of luck to you. OP best of luck to you and your family. If it comes to a split up; if you two can do it this way and make something work to the benefit of your daughter; this is one way to do it. And the most economical. There's some good advice above; trying to keep things amicable between you. If your wife is a good mother, you want the term joint custody used (and it sounds like she is good). If she's a bad mother you want to attempt to get sole custody. And sorry for your loss; that's hard. I know of one case where one of the parties has spent over 3 years in the process and $20K just in legal fees. 
And it isn't finished yet, just because there is zero compromise on one person's part. Everything goes through a lawyer. |