Posted: 3/27/2010 3:58:46 PM EDT
Sorry if I screwed this joke up....Just going off memory
3 broke guys out to get drunk and one says he has an idea. He says he figured out a way they can all get drunk without any money. So they all head down to the bar and order up 3 drinks. The first guys says don't worry about it just finish the drinks. They all down their drinks and the two friends ask the first guy, what now? He says, "I got it all figured out" and pulls a sausage out of his pocket. He says 'I'm going to unzip my fly and hang this out the front and one of you go down and start sucking on the sausage link. The second guy says No Way! I'm not doing it! The third guy says no big deal and goes down and starts sucking on the sausage link. Just then the bartender looks over and kicks the three guys out before they even pay their tab. They figure that worked out great and head out to the second bar, then the third and so on.....Later that night they are all shitfaced laughing about how the plan worked out great. They had no money and all ended up trashed after nearly 10 bars! .... The first guy says the plan worked out great, however he got a little worried at one point when his plan almost failed...... after the 6th bar when he was so drunk he lost the sausage link. |
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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! |
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Quoted:
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! If I ever meet you, you owe me a monitor cleaning. 
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ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND Please be advised: Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this coming weekend! Also, possibly I-40. Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in: Charleston , WV Louisville , KY St Louis, MO Kansas City , MO Omaha , NE A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore |
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Quoted:
ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND Please be advised: Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this coming weekend! Also, possibly I-40. Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions in: Charleston , WV Louisville , KY St Louis, MO Kansas City , MO Omaha , NE A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt. Rushmore 
I raffed. |
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I heard this joke on the Phil Hendrie Show. A rabbi, a mullah, and a priest are walking in the desert. The border patrol stops them and questions them. The priest has an umbrella in his hands and the agent asks him why. The priest tells him that when it gets hot he can open the umbrella and it will give him shade. The rabbi is holding a watermelon and the agent ask him why he is carrying it. The rabbi says that when he gets hot he will cut it open and eat it to hydrate him. The border patrol agent then looks at the mullah and notices that he is carrying a car door. He asks the mullah why he is carrying a car door and the mullah responds that when it gets hot he can roll the window down. |
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A cop in Alabama is running radar on a side street when he notices a car breeze thru a four way stop.
Cop pulls the guy over and says Sir, I've stopped you because you ran the stop sign back there. Guy hands the cop his license while he explaines, officer I'm from california, I slowed down....same as stopping. Cop says no sir, you ran the sign, guy says look, I told you I slowed down......it's the same thing. Cop takes out his nightstick and starts whipping the shit outta the guy. Cop beats his ass for about 5 minutes, then says, Now, you want me to slow down, or stop ? Two guys driving thru Bama get pulled over late one night. Real hick cop walks up and starts preaching to the driver. Driver says but officer, and before he can get anything else out the cop slaps the living shit outta the guy. Then the cop walks around to the passenger side and slaps the shit outta the other guy, passenger says, what the hell, I didn't make a sound ? Cop says yea, but about a mile down the road you woulda turned to the driver and said I wish that motherfucker woulda slapped me like that ! ! ! |
| A man who had a very bad fear of flying was ordered on a business trip to Hawaii, he worried about it for days and prayed and prayed for the Lord to build him a highway from California to Hawaii. On the 5th day God came to him and said, " My son you pray for a road to Hawaii, when there are so many more important things you should ask for, isn't there anything you would ask to make you a better person?' The man thought on this for a few moments and said to God " you are right of course" and God said to the man " very well my son what is you ask?" The man said " can you help me understand my wife?" God was silent for a moment and then said to the man, " do want 2 lanes or 4 on that highway." |
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Passenger , to a Sexy Air Hostess:
"What is your name ?" Air Hostess answers: "Benz , Sir...." Passenger says: "Lovely name! any relation with Mercedes Benz?" Air hostess: "Same price Sir" –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
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Quoted: A cop in Alabama is running radar on a side street when he notices a car breeze thru a four way stop. Cop pulls the guy over and says Sir, I've stopped you because you ran the stop sign back there. Guy hands the cop his license while he explaines, officer I'm from california, I slowed down....same as stopping. Cop says no sir, you ran the sign, guy says look, I told you I slowed down......it's the same thing. Cop takes out his nightstick and starts whipping the shit outta the guy. Cop beats his ass for about 5 minutes, then says, Now, you want me to slow down, or stop ? Two guys driving thru Bama get pulled over late one night. Real hick cop walks up and starts preaching to the driver. Driver says but officer, and before he can get anything else out the cop slaps the living shit outta the guy. Then the cop walks around to the passenger side and slaps the shit outta the other guy, passenger says, what the hell, I didn't make a sound ? Cop says yea, but about a mile down the road you woulda turned to the driver and said I wish that motherfucker woulda slapped me like that ! ! ! Oh crap..I can't breathe!!
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Cletus is sitting on the front porch of his farm when a caravan of trucks pulls in. They jump out and grab Cletus. We got a tip you're hiding drugs in the logs around your farm house. We're here to search.
The DEA proceeds to chop up all the logs on the farm, and not finding any drugs, they leave. Cletus's phone rings. "Hey Cletus, its Bob. Did the Cops come by?" "Yeah" "Did they chop your wood?" "Yeah" "Happy Birthday!!" |
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Quoted:
Quoted:
A cop in Alabama is running radar on a side street when he notices a car breeze thru a four way stop. Cop pulls the guy over and says Sir, I've stopped you because you ran the stop sign back there. Guy hands the cop his license while he explaines, officer I'm from california, I slowed down....same as stopping. Cop says no sir, you ran the sign, guy says look, I told you I slowed down......it's the same thing. Cop takes out his nightstick and starts whipping the shit outta the guy. Cop beats his ass for about 5 minutes, then says, Now, you want me to slow down, or stop ? Two guys driving thru Bama get pulled over late one night. Real hick cop walks up and starts preaching to the driver. Driver says but officer, and before he can get anything else out the cop slaps the living shit outta the guy. Then the cop walks around to the passenger side and slaps the shit outta the other guy, passenger says, what the hell, I didn't make a sound ? Cop says yea, but about a mile down the road you woulda turned to the driver and said I wish that motherfucker woulda slapped me like that ! ! ! Oh crap..I can't breathe!! I got a lots of em....I am a Bama cop. The night crew should be able to beat this to hell. 
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This man with a speech Handicap is looking for a job. He looks in the newspaper and sees a toothbrush salesman position open, he tells his wife, "I'm Gunna sthell toofbruthes"
He appears for his interview and is told that there is one spot open and three people competing for the opening, and that after three days the person who sold the most would be the new employee. After day one he reports along with the other two potentials. The employer asks, "how many toothbrushes did you sell today?" the first guy says, "55 toothbrushes" The second guy says, "78 toothbrushes" the handicapped guy says "I sthold thwee toofbruthes, one to muh momma, one to muh daddy, and one to muh sthithter" the employer cringes but says, "well you are going to need to sell more than 3 but you have two more days." The second day the three report, The first guy reports, "I sold 120 toothbrushes" the second guy reports, "I had a bad day and only sold 34 Brushes. " The handicapped guy was proud of himself and reported, "I sthold 5 toofbruthes!" Now the employer is visibly annoyed but says, "well you guys have one more day to prove yourselves" The third day the three report, The first guy says, "I only sold 100 today. " The second guy says, "I sold 215 today!" The handicapped fella stands up and confidentally says, "today I sthold four thouthsand and fifthy two toofbruthes!" The employer is blindsided, "how the heck did you sell that many?" "well I went to the airport and sthet Up a sthtand. I put chipth I one bowl and dip in the other bowl, ath pathengerth would get off the plane I would thay, 'want thome chipth and dip?' and motht would take some chipth and dip. Then I would athk how it tathted. They would say 'it tathte like crap' I would say 'it ith, wanna buy a toofbruth" |
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A guy speeding over a bridge, late for work, gets stopped by a cop standing on the bridge operating radar.
After being stopped the cop asks the man what his profession is and he replied "A professional asshole stretcher." The cop, being curious, asks "Exactly what does a professional asshole stretcher do?" The driver explains that he starts with a small asshole and continues to stretch it until its six feet tall. The cop asks the driver "What do you do with a six foot asshole." The driver responds "Give him a radar and stand him on a bridge." |
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On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married" She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished." |
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A man shows up at a brothel and views the lineup. After a moment, he points to the most beautiful girl, and the madam says, "sir, that is Chastity. She is our most expensive girl at $2,500/night." The man accepts, gives Chastity $2,500 in cash, and accompanies her to her room.
The next night, the process is repeated, and the madam says, "sir, we've NEVER had someone pay Chastity's price two nights in a row!" Nevertheless, the man gives Chastity $2,500 and again accompanies her to her room. On the third night, the man shows up and the madam says, "you realize there are no 'frequent flyer' discounts? The price is still $2,500." The man obliges yet again, and heads to Chastity's room. After their transaction, Chastity is brimming with curiosity. She says, "Sir, Three nights in a row? I must know more about you! Where are you from?" The man mentions a small town in a rural part of a nearby state. Chastity exclaims, "my goodness! I'm from that very same town!" The man replies, "yes...I know. I'm your sister's lawyer. Your father died, and your portion of the inheritance was $7,500." /TCP |
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Two guys from the Ukraine win a trip to New York, and part of the trip is tickets to a Yankees game. While they're at the game a hot dog vendor goes by. One of the Ukranians says to the other, "You know, for how rich the U.S. is I never would have believed that they actually eat dog here." The other one can't believe it either.
After watching shitloads of people buying hot dogs, one guy says to the other, "You know, that dog must be pretty good-everyone is eating it. Wanna get some and try it?" "Sure" says his friend. They flag down the hot dog vendor and buy a couple. The first guy gets his, unwraps it and looks at it, and says to his friend, "What part did YOU get?" |
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TCPILOT YOU forgot the best part....
THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES . 'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED. 'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM. 'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED. JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT. THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT. THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED. THE MAN REPLIED, ' IOWA ..' 'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN IOWA ...' 'I KNOW,' THE MAN SAID.. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. ' THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN. 1. DEATH 2. TAXES, AND 3.. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Hotmail is redefining busy with tools for the New Busy. Get more from your inbox. See how. = |
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of birch." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a bad piece of oak," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man's face. "I`m confused" says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts Her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!" |
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" |
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A man goes into a restaurant and orders some coffee and a bowl of soup. The watress thanks him and goes to prepare his order. When she returns she has her thumb in his coffee and sets in on the table, and then puts her thumb in his soup as she hands it to him.
The man rather annoyed at this says "Why in the hell do you have you thumb in my soup?" The watress says " Well, I smashed my thumb the other day and the doctor said I should keep it in something warm." The man replied and said "Well, stick it up your ass!" And she said "I do when I'm not serving coffee or soup." |
| Sean and Paddy are walking down the street. When they get to the local church, Sean says he needs to go in and confess. Paddy is surprised because he never has seen Sean in a church before. Sean goes in and sits in the confessional. He tells the Priest that he has committed adultry with a married woman, and needs forgivness. The Priest says that before he can recieve forgivness he must tell him the name of the married woman. Sean tells him that there is no way he could do that. The Priest then asks him if it was Mrs. O'Malley the butchers wife, Sean says no, it wasn't her. He then asks if it was Mrs. O'Toole the Lawyers wife. Sean again tells him, no it wasn't her. The Priest goes through several more names, and Seans gives him the same answer. The Priest then tells Sean, to leave, without the name he cannot grant forgivness. Sean meets Paddy out front, and he asks Sean if he recieved forgivness. Sean says no, but I got several good leads. |
