Posted: 3/22/2010 6:40:03 AM EDT
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So I just learned that a teacher of my kids at the their afterschool program was killed over the weekend.
She was a really good kid and was so nice to my daughters.... here is the link. http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2010/03/22/1329303/car-strikes-kills-motorist-during.html Dude ran from the police at a drivers license check point and she was killeed instantly apparently. Not sure how to best work this with a 9 and 6 year old..... Sad day. |
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Kids are smarter and tougher than most people give them credit for. My 4 year old understands death. She knows that we had to put one of our cats down a year and a half ago because he was old and sick. She knows that daddy shot and killed a deer and made venison sausage out of it that we eat a couple times a month. One of her classmates' mother died a couple years ago from cancer. She knows that people die at some point and that people like grandma and grandpa's parents and grandparents died a long time ago. Discuss it with them with honesty and compassion... support them and let them grieve if they want. |
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Your belief in the hereafter notwithstanding, it is something in which a child can take comfort. "Grandpa went to be with God, 'cuz he needed some Marines. You knew he was a Marine, didn't you?" "Jesus wanted to play Frisbee with Rex" Stuff like that will salve the pain and make sense of a senseless occurrence for the children. |
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I have never pulled any punches with my kid on this subject. At the earliest age I taught him that "Sooner or later, everything (and everyone) is toast (can't be fixed)..." I still remember when I was 5 years old I was sitting in my grandfather's room with him after lunch looking at his trophies for playing violin. I noticed an old shotgun sitting in his corner and I went to look at it, he grabbed it and unloaded it and was showing it to me telling me how all the parts work. He could tell I was genuinely interested and knew I had a thing for guns already with my BB gun, he then said "When I die I'll give this to you." I didn't understand what he meant and I said "Why are you going to die?" and he just said "Everyone has to die some day." I then asked "Even me?" and he replied "Yes." I was instantly shocked and sort of in disbelief, I think it may have even traumatized me a little bit, I ran to my grandmother to tell her what my grandpa said, she confirmed it. For the next week or so I obsessed about the thought that one day everyone I know or have ever even heard of will be dead, pretty deep shit for a youngster. But being exposed to the reality of the situation at such a young age I think made me a lot more calm and reassured. I've been in situations where death seemed imminent since then in the military and in every day life and since I've no qualms with the idea of my own mortality I think I handled them a lot better than a lot of other people who were involved. |
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My kids are 9, 6, and 3. My grandmother just died a couple of weeks back.
They sat and listened while I explained that she was sick and had died, but she had lived a good life. We would miss her but she loved you (the kids) very much and she was with Jesus now. They didn't really mention it much the rest of that evening, except to say that was sad or they would miss her. (I had just taken them to see her for what I knew would be the last time a week before...) Over the next few days they asked questions about how did she get sick, how long did it take for her to die, etc. - more like the physics and logistics of the deal. After most of these Q and As, they would say things like, "At least she doesn't hurt anymore," or, "She's in heaven now." Obviously your situation/religion/relationship with the deceased play a part in how you handle it, but the kids are likely more resiliant and grounded than you realize - I know mine were. I fully expected the 9 yo to break down because she just has a sensitive personality but she was fine. Hope that helps. |
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I have never pulled any punches with my kid on this subject. At the earliest age I taught him that "Sooner or later, everything (and everyone) is toast (can't be fixed)..." I still remember when I was 5 years old I was sitting in my grandfather's room with him after lunch looking at his trophies for playing violin. I noticed an old shotgun sitting in his corner and I went to look at it, he grabbed it and unloaded it and was showing it to me telling me how all the parts work. He could tell I was genuinely interested and knew I had a thing for guns already with my BB gun, he then said "When I die I'll give this to you." I didn't understand what he meant and I said "Why are you going to die?" and he just said "Everyone has to die some day." I then asked "Even me?" and he replied "Yes." I was instantly shocked and sort of in disbelief, I think it may have even traumatized me a little bit, I ran to my grandmother to tell her what my grandpa said, she confirmed it. For the next week or so I obsessed about the thought that one day everyone I know or have ever even heard of will be dead, pretty deep shit for a youngster. But being exposed to the reality of the situation at such a young age I think made me a lot more calm and reassured. I've been in situations where death seemed imminent since then in the military and in every day life and since I've no qualms with the idea of my own mortality I think I handled them a lot better than a lot of other people who were involved. The thing is, even now in my 30s I go thru stretches of a couple of days to a week where I think about me or my wife or God forbid one of my kids dying. Most it's me, though, and I think about how I might handle it. |
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I have never pulled any punches with my kid on this subject. At the earliest age I taught him that "Sooner or later, everything (and everyone) is toast (can't be fixed)..." I still remember when I was 5 years old I was sitting in my grandfather's room with him after lunch looking at his trophies for playing violin. I noticed an old shotgun sitting in his corner and I went to look at it, he grabbed it and unloaded it and was showing it to me telling me how all the parts work. He could tell I was genuinely interested and knew I had a thing for guns already with my BB gun, he then said "When I die I'll give this to you." I didn't understand what he meant and I said "Why are you going to die?" and he just said "Everyone has to die some day." I then asked "Even me?" and he replied "Yes." I was instantly shocked and sort of in disbelief, I think it may have even traumatized me a little bit, I ran to my grandmother to tell her what my grandpa said, she confirmed it. For the next week or so I obsessed about the thought that one day everyone I know or have ever even heard of will be dead, pretty deep shit for a youngster. But being exposed to the reality of the situation at such a young age I think made me a lot more calm and reassured. I've been in situations where death seemed imminent since then in the military and in every day life and since I've no qualms with the idea of my own mortality I think I handled them a lot better than a lot of other people who were involved. The thing is, even now in my 30s I go thru stretches of a couple of days to a week where I think about me or my wife or God forbid one of my kids dying. Most it's me, though, and I think about how I might handle it. I think it's just a matter of letting go and not trying to be in control all the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't relish the idea of dying and I'm not cold-blooded towards the idea, but I understand that it will happen and I don't fight it. As fast as the last 10 years flew by the next 10 will and before I know it I'll be gone. I just think that we're lucky to even be given the shot we are given at having a chunk of happiness, enjoy it and keep your loved ones close. Be strong and protect the little ones to ensure their success the best you can. You'll have plenty of time to think about how you'll handle death when you're dying. Laugh and love for now. |
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Your belief in the hereafter notwithstanding, it is something in which a child can take comfort. "Grandpa went to be with God, 'cuz he needed some Marines. You knew he was a Marine, didn't you?" "Jesus wanted to play Frisbee with Rex" Stuff like that will salve the pain and make sense of a senseless occurrence for the children. rangermonroe, as usual, has posted some true wisdom. my kids' maternal grandfather died, so i told them God needed a good and faithful soldier to help guard heaven's gates. This was the 1st time I could tell them about his service in Korea, as he had always had a don't tell policy with the grandkids, and they loved the idea of their loving, gentle grandpa being a warrior for his country! ex_mil |
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Your belief in the hereafter notwithstanding, it is something in which a child can take comfort. "Grandpa went to be with God, 'cuz he needed some Marines. You knew he was a Marine, didn't you?" "Jesus wanted to play Frisbee with Rex" Stuff like that will salve the pain and make sense of a senseless occurrence for the children. rangermonroe, as usual, has posted some true wisdom. my kids' maternal grandfather died, so i told them God needed a good and faithful soldier to help guard heaven's gates. This was the 1st time I could tell them about his service in Korea, as he had always had a don't tell policy with the grandkids, and they loved the idea of their loving, gentle grandpa being a warrior for his country! ex_mil Seriously?! How about telling kids the truth instead of feeding them full of shit lies. Other kids in their school will tell them the truth. Then YOU will be answering even more questions. Can you keep them in the dark their whole lives? |
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I have never pulled any punches with my kid on this subject. At the earliest age I taught him that "Sooner or later, everything (and everyone) is toast (can't be fixed)..." I still remember when I was 5 years old I was sitting in my grandfather's room with him after lunch looking at his trophies for playing violin. I noticed an old shotgun sitting in his corner and I went to look at it, he grabbed it and unloaded it and was showing it to me telling me how all the parts work. He could tell I was genuinely interested and knew I had a thing for guns already with my BB gun, he then said "When I die I'll give this to you." I didn't understand what he meant and I said "Why are you going to die?" and he just said "Everyone has to die some day." I then asked "Even me?" and he replied "Yes." I was instantly shocked and sort of in disbelief, I think it may have even traumatized me a little bit, I ran to my grandmother to tell her what my grandpa said, she confirmed it. For the next week or so I obsessed about the thought that one day everyone I know or have ever even heard of will be dead, pretty deep shit for a youngster. But being exposed to the reality of the situation at such a young age I think made me a lot more calm and reassured. I've been in situations where death seemed imminent since then in the military and in every day life and since I've no qualms with the idea of my own mortality I think I handled them a lot better than a lot of other people who were involved. The thing is, even now in my 30s I go thru stretches of a couple of days to a week where I think about me or my wife or God forbid one of my kids dying. Most it's me, though, and I think about how I might handle it. I think it's just a matter of letting go and not trying to be in control all the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't relish the idea of dying and I'm not cold-blooded towards the idea, but I understand that it will happen and I don't fight it. As fast as the last 10 years flew by the next 10 will and before I know it I'll be gone. I just think that we're lucky to even be given the shot we are given at having a chunk of happiness, enjoy it and keep your loved ones close. Be strong and protect the little ones to ensure their success the best you can. You'll have plenty of time to think about how you'll handle death when you're dying. Laugh and love for now. This is what I always come back to. We didn't ask to be born, we don't get to ask not to die. It's part of the deal and it doesn't have to be a bad thing. You can wallow in it and let it eat you up or you can embrace it by leaving no regrets. If you've done things "the right way" there will be plenty of people to thank you for your contributions when you check out. |
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Your belief in the hereafter notwithstanding, it is something in which a child can take comfort. "Grandpa went to be with God, 'cuz he needed some Marines. You knew he was a Marine, didn't you?" "Jesus wanted to play Frisbee with Rex" Stuff like that will salve the pain and make sense of a senseless occurrence for the children. rangermonroe, as usual, has posted some true wisdom. my kids' maternal grandfather died, so i told them God needed a good and faithful soldier to help guard heaven's gates. This was the 1st time I could tell them about his service in Korea, as he had always had a don't tell policy with the grandkids, and they loved the idea of their loving, gentle grandpa being a warrior for his country! ex_mil Seriously?! How about telling kids the truth instead of feeding them full of shit lies. Other kids in their school will tell them the truth. Then YOU will be answering even more questions. Can you keep them in the dark their whole lives? I'm sure these two gentlemen can fend for themselves, but perhaps you can expound upon which of the above are "lies" that will keep kids in the dark? |
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yes do not lie to them.. it was hard when we had to tell them that their poppy was dead and that the sunday before was the last time they would ever see him again.. the only thing we fudged in was how he died (suicide) but in time we will let them know that also.. they each grieved in their own way but they accepted it for what it was and moved on..
god when i look at how they bounce back from tragedies some times it makes me jealous of them, we could learn a lot from children |
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Your belief in the hereafter notwithstanding, it is something in which a child can take comfort. "Grandpa went to be with God, 'cuz he needed some Marines. You knew he was a Marine, didn't you?" "Jesus wanted to play Frisbee with Rex" Stuff like that will salve the pain and make sense of a senseless occurrence for the children. rangermonroe, as usual, has posted some true wisdom. my kids' maternal grandfather died, so i told them God needed a good and faithful soldier to help guard heaven's gates. This was the 1st time I could tell them about his service in Korea, as he had always had a don't tell policy with the grandkids, and they loved the idea of their loving, gentle grandpa being a warrior for his country! ex_mil Seriously?! How about telling kids the truth instead of feeding them full of shit lies. Other kids in their school will tell them the truth. Then YOU will be answering even more questions. Can you keep them in the dark their whole lives? Well, just so you know, they also got the straight dope about living and dying beforehand... about how we ALL do. They also are christian, so they know when a good person dies, they go to be with god and the angels. Shame on you. ex_mil |
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Your belief in the hereafter notwithstanding, it is something in which a child can take comfort. "Grandpa went to be with God, 'cuz he needed some Marines. You knew he was a Marine, didn't you?" "Jesus wanted to play Frisbee with Rex" Stuff like that will salve the pain and make sense of a senseless occurrence for the children. Eh... I dunno. "Jesus wanted to play frisbee with Rex" just teaches the kid that Jesus is a selfish guy who would take away a kid's dog, just so that He could play fetch. And kids are plenty smart enough to pick up on that. Teach the kids the truth - that everyone and everything is only hear for a while, then we die. If going to Heaven is in your beliefs, then teach that you have to die before you can go to Heaven. I went through this about a half year ago with my 4-year old... and not making up condescending falsehoods actually made things easier, at least for us. |
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Thanks gang....
They understand death a bit. My dad died when I was 15 and they understand who GRANDPA is. When I joke with my older one sometime and say "I was a Marine, Marines dont cry.." She always says, "I saw you cry when your friend Dennis died..." (it was the onions, I swear) I think the older one understands but noting ever this close to home. They have been lucky with respects to that. They are 9 and 6. Most likely tell them everything dies and I am sure Ms Tia is in a better place now. on another note the guy who hit her was a shit stain....and she should have been wearing her seat belt.... |
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So I just learned that a teacher of my kids at the their afterschool program was killed over the weekend. She was a really good kid and was so nice to my daughters.... here is the link. http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2010/03/22/1329303/car-strikes-kills-motorist-during.html Dude ran from the police at a drivers license check point and she was killeed instantly apparently. Not sure how to best work this with a 9 and 6 year old..... Sad day. That's terribly sad. I have a young son and I really don't know how I would tell him something like that. I guess kids have to learn someday, but I suppose it's about helping them understand that it's a part of life. Sad that it's someone they look up to........ I suppose there is a lesson in consequence here as well, in that if you behave badly the consequences can be far reaching...... it's not just the family and frineds of this girl that have lost, it's a whole group of kids that looked up to her, their parents and a community......... all because some git wanted to avoid a ticket for something he was doing wrong......... It's a very hight price to pay. 
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I have never pulled any punches with my kid on this subject. At the earliest age I taught him that "Sooner or later, everything (and everyone) is toast (can't be fixed)..." I tell my kids the same thing.The truth.No need to gloss it over. People live and people die.its the circle of life. I tell them one day i will not be here either. When I'm gone,they need to move on. |
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Sorry I don't have any advice for you, other than what was already said.
But this hit me hard. Quoted:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZTvDZHRFrU
Here's a good primer. Damn children's show has to be the saddest video ever. Wow. I was just talking to my dad last night about his funeral arrangements and wishes. I'm taking him shooting tomorrow. |