Posted: 3/9/2009 10:34:05 PM EDT
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We had a VMFA(AW)-224 book similar to the one below with funny statements and replies. I found this one in a .mil joke book. I wish I had copied both books, it was really funny. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.” Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.” Problem: “Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.” Solution: “Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.” Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.” Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.” Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.” Solution: “Evidence removed.” Problem: “Number three engine missing.” Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.” Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.” Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.” Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.” Solution: “Live bugs on order.” Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.” Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.” Problem: “IFF inoperative.” Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.” Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.” Solution: “That's what they're there for.” |
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My old wing commander did his walk around, gets in, plugs in all his 9,004 connections, arms the seat, etc (F-16). Doing his cockpit checks he says through the interphone to the crew chief "I'm not getting a reading on the center tank, it's showing zero".
E-4 crew chief says to brigadier general pilot in a very professional manner, "Sir, you need to come down here and check this" through his headset. General safes the seat, unplugs all his connections, they stick the ladder back up and he comes down. He takes a look at the nonexistent center tank, doesn't say another word, and gets back in the plane and launches. How the hell you miss a center drop tank on a F-16 during a walkaround..........as a 20 year experienced fighter pilot. Makes you wonder what else he missed. |
I've personally witnessed (and in a couple of cases even been guilty of writing  ) the following corrective actions in aircraft forms:
R2 flight suit insert, op ck good R2 control stick actuator, op ck good R2 seat cushion retainer, op ck good R2 CO2 generator, op ck good Moved power switch from official mode to on, system op ck good Now all the smartasses who work for me want to sign things off as "operator error" until I remind them that if there's a legitimate problem and it repeats it's their ass, and the pilot who sees it the second time won't appreciate the humorous sign off the first time either. 
USAF MX glossary (not sure if terms are universal) R2=removed/replaced op ck=operational checkout |
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Write-Up: AIM-9 No Tone
Corrective Action: Turned Volume Up. OPs Check OK. Write-Up: Fourth munition would not release from TER Corrective Action: Triple Ejector Rack not installed with more than three stations. Write-Up: CAP-9 Missile would not release from Rail. Hung Missile. Corrective Action: CAP-9 missile not installed with a rocket motor. Pilot Debrief- "Sir, so was it your intention to kill, like in really dead, your IP?" |
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One of my favorites happened during the time I worked for the airlines.
I go out on a gate call, discrepancy: Cabin Lights Inop I walk up into the cockpit, and ask the Cpt…. “What’s going on?” He hands me the Log Book and says “Ask the Flight Attendant.” I walk back to the galley and ask the Flight Attendant… “What seems to be the problem?” She responds….“None of the cabin lights work, ceiling or side wall!” I walk over to the Flight Attendant Panel and notice all the switches for the lights are in the OFF position. I flip them all to ON, and the whole cabin lights up. So I ask…..”Was this an intermittent problem, or what? The lights seem to work fine now.” Her response: “Well, my Flight Attendant Training Manual shows all the light switches on that panel in the OFF position. So I thought the lights should work even though the switches are off.” 
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Pilot: AFT Fuel Low illuminated during approach, fuel load was 800 lbs 450 Fwd, 350 Aft.
Me: Sir, Fuel Low lights come on when fuel level goes below 500 lbs for that tank.... Pilot: So what are you going to do to fix it. Me: Not sure as there is nothing wrong, you were just out of fuel.... |
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I've used the "****** inoperative in OFF mode" sign off before. I got a gate call to a 767 where the crew was complaining the WXR was inop. After spotting the problem 5 seconds into scanning the panel, I asked the FO to grab me a Coke out of the galley. As soon as he stepped out I mentioned to the Capitan that WXR usually doesn't work when the switch is in Standby or TCAS only mode. I also pointed out the lack of a "WXR fail" in the center of the EFIS screen coupled with a "WXR OFF" msg clued me in.
FO came back with the Coke, and I was signing off the logbook with "WXR inop in OFF mode", then handed the book back to the FO closed. I have no clue if he ever opened it to read my sign off to see that I basically called both of them out in the log book. |
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While deployed to Iwakuni in 1992-1993, we had a pilot write up a gripe for a difficult parking brake on his Harrier.
Cpl Buzby grabs me and tells me to go check it out. I get in the seat, and set and release the parking brake 10 times or so, and then go tell Buzby that everything is fine. he signed it off: Parking brake checks good. Pilot needs to go to gym. MC wasn't happy with that one..... |
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Quoted:
While deployed to Iwakuni in 1992-1993, we had a pilot write up a gripe for a difficult parking brake on his Harrier. Cpl Buzby grabs me and tells me to go check it out. I get in the seat, and set and release the parking brake 10 times or so, and then go tell Buzby that everything is fine. he signed it off: Parking brake checks good. Pilot needs to go to gym. MC wasn't happy with that one..... 
I had a similar incident with a very petite built Flight Attendant and a Main Cabin Door. She had the Captain write up that the Main Cabin Door was difficult to open and close. We went out on the call, opened and closed the door numerous times with no defects noted. The FA was not pleased with that and insisted that there was something wrong with the door. To satisfy her, we lubed the door with LPS and signed it off. On our way out I jokingly stated she should hit the gym more often. She wasn't too amused.  
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One missing from that original list:
Discrepancy: "Noise coming from behind pilot's seat sounds like little man with hammer." ( You CANNOT make these up!) Corrective Action: "Took hammer away from little man." Having been an Aircraft Mechanic for the first 17 years of my career, I have more than a few of these. Two of my favorites: For some background, the Lockheed C-141 Starlifter had a cargo winch used to haul unpowered wheeled cargo into the cargo bay. Disc: " Cargo wench inop." (Emphasis added) CA: "Paid her and gave her a stern talking to; she's working now."
Disc: "Think we saw a mouse in the cargo bay." CA: "Installed cat. Ops Chk good." |
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Also reminds me of the time when I was supposed to do daily inspections for the next day's flight schedule.
I was new to the squadron, and to maintenance. This was in Nov '91, so 231 had been home for about 6 months from Desert Storm. Buzby gave me the list of birds to daily, and I could not find AC 07. Got all the other dailies done, and reported back to the shop. Mark told me since I couldn't find it, check the status board in the Ready Room. I walk in, and ask the ODO what the status on AC 07 is. He looks at me really funny, and points to the status board. It said: AC 07: low rent housing to spiders and other desert critters. AC 07 was shot down over Iraq, and the pilot, then Capt Sanborn had been captured and held as a POW for a short time. |