Posted: 5/14/2008 1:38:23 PM EDT
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From a Danish associate...... We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election. On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a war hero married to a woman with huge breasts who owns a beer distributorship. Americans, ask yourselves; 'Is there really any contest here?' ********************** As you may have heard, the Bush Administration is giving each and every one of us a nice rebate in May. If we spend that money at Wal*Mart, all the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs If we spend it on fruit and vegetables, it will all go to Chile , Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala . If we purchase a really good car, it will all go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap, it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America ! It has been suggested that the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy PROSTITUTES AND BEER, since those are the only businesses that still exist in the US ! ********************** I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... ********************** Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, 'I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities.' St. Peter said, 'You can enter.' The second doctor said, 'I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves.' St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, 'I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care.' St. Peter said, 'You can come in, too.' But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, 'You can stay 3 days. After that, you can go to hell.' ********************** John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was not just an ordinary robot, it was also in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked. At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?', asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.' The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio. When he came back inside, Marsha was bent over laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' Whereupon the Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped the shit out of her. ********************** A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks 'What's in the bag?' The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.' 'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?' |