Posted: 7/5/2005 10:04:02 AM EDT
My new girlfreind recently asked me what I was afraid of. I told her that we wouldnt work out. (cause i like her alot) She tells me she is afraid we WOULD work out. What the hell does that mean?  Is she is scared of commitment? Please help.
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depends. was she bing funny? some folks have a strange sense of humor. maybe she was asked a "hot button" question she got from a chick magazine and she got a real answer and it startled hwe and she replied trying to break the tension. when you get questions like this you got to spend a lot of time talking to the person and get all your questions answered. you can't drop it cold and not expect a problem. |
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Really should be asking her to explain what she means. If you two can't communicate then you won't "work out." Without knowing anything about her, the context of your conversation, or the situation under discussion, I'm afraid we could sit here and give you about a million things it could mean. Best to give her a chance to explain before you start drawing conclusions. |
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there isn't a man alive, or in history that knows what a woman means, and I seriously doubt even other women know what other women mean.......... and for pete's sake, don't ask her what she means, she'll give you more nonesense that makes no sense..........then you'll die from a brain aneurysm trying to figure it out |
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No, she was not being funny. We were having a serious conversation about serious issues. I asked her what she meant by it, she said she wasnt sure. but when i gave her my answer, "That i was worried we wouldnt make it", she said she started thinking she was scared 'we would make it." I know you would need all the conversation details for a real answer, I was just wondering if any women on here could enlighten me on why a girl would be scared of "making it" afterall, isnt that why we date? To eventually find a life partner. Whats the point of playing if your not trying to fullfill the goal. |
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After further thought..... You're not dating a WOMAN. You're dating a GIRL. She's afraid she'll fall in love and - horror of horrors - end up growing up and marrying you. I'm convinced that some women (and men, to be fair) have 'peter pan syndrome' until age 30 or so..... |
So then in this "serious conversation" you lied to get a reaction? OK, I take back my previous advice then. Doesn't really matter what she meant then. You're not going to work out. |
We know....but we aren't allowed to tell....  Seriously, sounds like you need more details. On the surface, seems she's afraid of committment...but she could be afraid you'll work out and then NOT work out *later*, you know? <worried I may have just proven mobius' point> |
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It wasnt really a lie.. I think about us not working out, but Im not losing sleep and crying/worrying about it. I do think about it, but i dont really worry about it. So if i lied, i guess i kindof embellished on how much I actually worried about it. She wanted to know what worried me, i said nothing. She asked if I had to worry about something, what would it be. That was the closest thing I could come up with. Serious conversation as in we were discussing how we feel about things, not joking around like one of the other members mentioned she might have been playing around. She was serious. I think arowneragain hit it on the head. I think she is scared of having to grow up with me. She is not ready for marriage or any of that by far. The point where im confused is, what do I do. Im not ready for marriage either. I dont want to waste my time with her and pass up the right woman, or, she could be the right woman, just not time yet. So I dont know where to go with this. |
You're doing fine. Take your time with her - no pressure; there's no need for it if neither of you are ready to grow up. Work on getting yourself ready for that step. It's important to do so, I promise you. When you're ready, maybe she will be. Maybe not. If not, don't try to force it. Better to part on good terms than to force her into something; that NEVER works. |
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dude, id buy you an AR if i could afford it. You definatly understand relationships. This is what I have been thinking all along, but i didnt want to say anything and see if you guys would come up with the same solution on limited details. You just proved me correct arowneragain. Thanks!! Shes a nice girl, I'll just see what happens. In the mean time, I think I need to cool the jets and just kindof try to have fun instead of getting real serious. This could be a challenge cause Im a real serious relationship kind of guy. |
  I understand them better every day. Gimme 50 more years and I'll be an expert....maybe.
Eh...either we're both great minds, or we're not thinking very much at all. There are 2 schools of thought there, y'know. Seriously, what I know about women could be written on the head of a pin, with room left over for a modest square-dance.
That's an excellent strategy.
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I agree 100% with you there. These might be signs she is feeling pressured, and giving warning to back down. I would say were great minds. I tend to overanalyze everything and am a very complex thinker. Your the same way. I know this cause you understand what I am talking about. Not very many people understand us, one thing that makes me smile though.... she is a deep thinking person just like we are. Thats why I think we could really go far. |
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Im 23, graduating from college next year, she is gradutating in two years and 20. Like i said, way to early for marriage, but growing up seems to scare her. So, somehow, with me she feels she needs to grow up. Maybe its cause im mature and drinking beer and partying isnt my life. I just want to date her though, not marry the girl. Maybe that will come later but Im not even thinking about it now. Somehow, she is all worried that we will end up a serious couple. Which leads me to beleive, maybe she still wants her freedom and isnt done exploring yet. (Not what I want to hear if I wanted to be serious with her) |
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I see someone has been listening Yep, fear of commitment. But who isn't (and shouldn't be) afraid of that at 20. Maybe 30 would be a better time to worry about a woman saying something like that. Meanwhile, have fun being together and don't worry about what-ifs (for now)... |
There's your answer right there. Who wants to be tied down at 20 years old? |
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Exactly. She's smart to not want to get too serious at that age. |
| With the others... possibly scared of being tied down, but also a confession that she feels it's a possibility with you all the same. Relationships grow. Married at 22 myself... still okay over 10 years later... not recommending it for anyone who doesn't feel ready, but growing with someone has been a real bond for us. |
Precisely why you are now bearing that sig line SP1Grrl: I was 20 when I said 'I do'... Don't get me wrong...I am still married...But Dpms? If I had it to do again...well...I would NOT have gotten married so young. Get out there and do stuff you won't be able to do once you're married with a mortgage and kidlings. Not KNOCKING the whole thing! Just saying that I wish I had traveled and finished school and done so much more. Once you have that monthly mortgage payment and kids, well, it's no longer about what you want. And that sometimes, well, <feeling a bit silly> you really wish the decisions weren't so hard. Anyway, not to harp (am I harping????  )HAVE FUN...just HAVE Fun!!!!! Not saying you should not be responsible while doing the fun, just saying take your time when making that plan you have into a reality. |
That right here is a "I'll possibly cheat on you" warning. I don't think you two are on the same page, and I don't want you to get hurt. Better talk to her more and have her elaborate on it. EDIT: And by the way, I started dating Lee when I was 19. We'll marry in a couple years when we're financially set. Some people are ready for it, some aren't. |
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You broke rule #1 .... You have expressed to her that you want it to work out , and that it would hurt you if it didn't . This usually results in one of two outcomes . 1. She now knows she has the upper hand , which is never good  2. She is starting to think that maybe you're a wuss for expressing fear that you will lose her . Contrary to what some women say . I believe that most still want the man to be the strong one in certain aspects of the relationship and self confidence is one of them . |
Hell, I'm 30 and I'd still like to be tied down once in a while.... 
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<temp hijack> Cuffs or cords??? <looks at others> WHAT?????!??????!!!!!!!!?? |
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I hung out with her last night, got everything cleared up. We are on the same page now. She knows im not a wuss, I tell her she keeps shit up, ill kick her to the curb. She knows I like her, but im also careful not to express it to much. I still give her a hard time and act like I am moving on, in a joking way. |
Always wonderful to hear from a boyfriend. "you're ok for now..but you know, there's always other's out there and I keep my options open." yeah. that's nice. |
Hate to break it to you, but in today's world that works more than you'd think.
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I hear he's into that. Watch out. 
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thanks for the headsup, but I'll stick with honesty and knowing where I stand. If I want to play games, I'll get out "Scrabble". |
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She knows im true to her,,, but if i give her all the power, it will get boring, and she will leave. At this stage in the relationship, if i confess my worldly love to her, she will think that was way to easy, im with the wrong guy, and leave. Trust me, i have tried that, girl always moves on. you have to play some games in the begining till you find out what you have and are finished sizing eachother up. She does the same thing, same with the last 5 girlfreinds ive had. Its the way the game is played these days. Sucks i know, but i think people my age get to be honest with eachother when they are engaged. then you can cut the scarstic bullshit. 
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+1 Daisywench! This might work for a brief stay in the saddle, but it will likely cause quite a bit of misery and mistrust for the longterm, speaking from experience. Sure, it's frightening to love someone without shame, but those who do it are the bravest people in the world. The others are just craven cowards, like the rest of us. Telling her you love her isn't like saying, "I'll let you walk all over me; I'm happy to reside on the bottom of your shoe." It's like saying, "I love you." I thought that menfolks, in general, fancied themselves as saying what they mean. |
Some of us do. That's why we're single. 
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Besides, if I was married, I would have had to go through some sort of agreement process in order to spend $2,000 on my new rifle.  Thats why I'm buying my toys now. I also hear from everyone the sex stops when you get married.... whats the fun in that? I hear from older adults, wait till your married to have sex, then, we all get married, sex ends. Doesnt make sense to me. If she isnt going to continue to put out, im not going to marry her. |
Arg! [slapping of head] He doesn't need advice; he needs crash gear. Guess they gotta learn sometime... |