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Posted: 5/23/2001 2:54:12 AM EDT
What did James Brady say to Reagan after he was shot? . . . . . . . . I got half a mind to come back to work for you again.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 5:38:20 AM EDT
How do you get a Goth out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 5:42:34 AM EDT
A sign I read; Drunken Sailor wants a good woman who can take a beating
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 5:48:25 AM EDT
Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 6:04:12 AM EDT
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on a scaffold on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, "Burritos again?? If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump too." The Redneck opened his lunch and said; "Bologna again. If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next Day: The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too. The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death also. At The Funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says; "If I'd have known how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also weeps and says; "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife, and she said, "Hey, don't look at me...that dumb-ass makes his own lunch!
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 6:32:22 AM EDT
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called for back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, right. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 7:05:19 AM EDT
A kid walks into a store, he has green, red, and yellow hair, its all spiked out. The old man behind the counter is staring at him intently. The kid says "c'mon man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The man says yes. I once, a long time ago, had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 7:10:42 AM EDT
What's a Roman with pubic hair stuck in his teeth? A glad-e-ate-her
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 7:33:39 AM EDT
From my extensive collection of "guy-with-no-arms-and-no-legs" jokes: Q: What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window? A: Kurt 'n' Rod
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 9:19:36 AM EDT
Saw a bumper sticker the other day. My brain are in my dick. Please blow my mind.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 10:01:24 AM EDT
What do you call the flesh around a hole? A WOMAN! radioman *flame suit donned*
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 10:38:49 AM EDT
Rufus and Shonte' decided to get married, despite both being well into their 70s. After checking into the honeymoon suite, Rufus sat on the side of the bed waiting for his bride to come out of the powder room. Shonte' emerged in a see-through negligee, and sat down on the side of the bed next to Rufus. "Rufus, baby" she purred. "You gots to be gennel wif me 'cuz I got's acute angina." Rufus looked at her and said, "I sure hope so baby, 'cuz dem's got to be de ugliest titties I've ever seen."
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 10:58:26 AM EDT
What happened when Helen Keller fell in the well? She screamed her fingers off.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 10:58:32 AM EDT
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f@#$%^& business!"
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 11:19:49 AM EDT
An Indian fella, an Irishman, and a Polish gent went on a hunting trip. They had sooo much gear that they could only carry one rifle. After setting up camp, the Indian fella decided he was getting hungry and grabbed the rifle and headed into the woods. A couple hours later, he returns dragging a nice 8 point buck. The other two asked him how he did it. "I went out and found some tracks, followed them a while, looked up, and shot the buck." Next morning, the Irishman decided he was going out to try his luck. Later that afternoon he returns dragging a 300 lb. black bear. Worn out from the size of the animal, he explains to the others that he did the exact same thing as the Indian fella. "I went out and found some tracks, followed them a while, looked up, and shot the bear." The Polish gent couldn't stand it. He immediately took the rifle and headed into the woods in search of game. Nightfall came and went. The following morning, the Polish gent crawled into camp barely alive. The other two guys asked him "what the hell happened to you"? Seemingly pissed off at the Indian, the Polish gent told them what had happened. "I did exactly like you said. I went out and found some tracks, followed them a while, looked up, and a train hit me!"
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 11:23:19 AM EDT
Two Texas boys are playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A Dallas Morning News reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I am not a Longhorn Fan" the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in Texas I just assumed you were, "says the reporter. He then starts to write again. "Aggie Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he jots in his notebook. "I am not an Aggie fan either," the boy responds. The reporter replies "I assumed everyone in the state of Texas was either for the Longhorns or for the Aggies." The reporter then asked, "What team do you root for?" The boy says, "I'm an Oklahoma Sooner fan." The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes... "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 12:06:39 PM EDT
Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that's illegal an' all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised. The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: "Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like." "And then what?" asked the prosecutor. "Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close." "And what happened after that?" "Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!" Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that."
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 12:20:45 PM EDT
Little Johnny has a cursing problem, and his Father has tried everything to get him to stop. Finally the father goes to a psychologist for help. The psychologist tells the father to try negative association, since Christmas is just two weeks away he tells him to ask Johnny what he wants for Christmas and then if Johnny curses when making his list to substitute something bad in it's place. Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asks him what he wants. Johnny replies when I wake up I want a damn teddy bear laying next to me. When I go downstairs I want a damn train going around the damn tree, and when I go outside I want a damn bike leaning against the damn garage. Christmas morning Johnny wakes up and rolls over into a pile of dog poop. He goes downstairs and finds a pile of dog poop under the tree, and when he goes outside there is a huge pile of dog poop next to the garage. Johnny's dad asks him what santa brought for him and Johhny replies, I think I got a damn dog, but I can't find the son of a bitch.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 12:23:23 PM EDT
O.K., heres a stupid one. What do you call a bull thats masturbating? . . . . . Beef Strok'in Off
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 12:38:01 PM EDT
(*Raise your hand up in the air like a Nazi) Q: What's the difference between a homosexual and a Nazi? (*Droop your hand a little bit) A: About 45 degrees Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women? A: Keno Q: What is the definition of "making love" A: Something a woman does while a guy is ridin' her. Q: How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed? A: When the big hand is on the little hand. Jewbroni~
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 12:51:35 PM EDT
A forest ranger came upon a hunter sitting at a campfire one evening. He noticed that the hunter had several dead animals lined up on the ground by the fire. There were two deer, an elk, three foxes, a bear, and even a mountain lion. He chatted with the hunter for several minutes and commended the hunter on his skill at taking so many animals in a single hunt. Then the ranger noticed something amazing. Each animal had exactly one bullet hole right between the eyes. "Wow!" he said. "You must be an excellent marksman. Were you a sniper in the army or something?" The hunter was humble and said his father had taught him everything he knew about hunting. "He taught me how to track any animal through any type of terrain. He taught me to sniff the animal on the wind and follow it by its scent. He taught me to move silently, even through a forest in the fall. He taught me to shoot with a steady hand and to always hit what I wanted. He taught me to be at one with nature." The ranger was mighty impressed with this speech. It was getting late, so the ranger decided it was time to head back. Just as he was leaving, though, he noticed something odd. The bear had a bullet hole between its eyes just like the other animals, but it also had what looked like a bullet hole in each paw. Puzzled, he asked the hunter about it. "Oh, him. Well, when I shined my spotlight on him, he covered his eyes with his paws."
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 1:27:11 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/23/2001 1:31:16 PM EDT by osprey21]
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 2:25:33 PM EDT
What would Dolly Parton's name be if she married Salvador Dali? Dolly Dali
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 6:13:50 PM EDT
What is a foot stool? A 12 inch shit.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 8:07:15 PM EDT
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 8:13:02 PM EDT
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 black kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." GWB l says, no problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's," GWB says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!" The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" GWB was perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!" {Variation on the Clinton joke}
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 8:32:27 PM EDT
Definition of a wife: an attachment that you screw on the bed to get the house clean.
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 8:42:18 PM EDT
Thanks guys, I am going to be a very funny guy tomorrow!
Link Posted: 5/23/2001 8:53:33 PM EDT
Boudreaux waz stopped de udder day by de game warden in Sout' Louisiana with two buckets of fish when he waz leaving de bayou where it looked like he was fishing. The game warden axed Boudreaux, "Where is your license to catch dose fish?" Boudreaux replied, "No sir, dese are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden axed. Boudreaux responded, "Yes sir. Every night I take dese fish down to de bayou an' let dem swim around for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump back into deir buckets, and I take dem home." De game warden looked at Boudreaux wit' one eye opened real wide and said, "Dat's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do dat!" Boudreaux tole de game warden, "Let me show you. It really works for true.""O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden waz startin' to get real curious by now. Boudreaux poured de fish into de bayou. Den he stood and waited. After several minutes, de game warden turned to Boudreaux and said, "Well?" "Well, w'at?" Boudreaux responded. "When are you going to call dem back?" De game warden prompted. "Call who back?" Boudreaux replied. De game warden said, "De fish." Boudreaux axed, "W'at fish?"
Link Posted: 5/24/2001 8:03:03 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/24/2001 11:16:26 AM EDT by gus]
The cowboy rode into town after a long day in the hot dry desert. As he tied his horse to the rail in front of the saloon, the Sheriff, who was sitting in his chair on the saloon porch said: "Howdy stranger". The man replied "howdy Sheriff" and walked around to the back of his horse. He then lifted the horse's tail and gave it a big wet kiss right on its ass hole. The Sheriff, perplexed, ask the cowboy "Did you just do what I think you just did?" The cowboy replied "Yes". He continued "It's so hot and dry out there on the trail that my lips are horribly chapped". The Sheriff, now even more confused, said "So that cures it?". The cowboy calmly replied, "Nosir, but it keeps me from licking my lips"...
Link Posted: 5/24/2001 10:20:21 AM EDT
Young billy aproaches his father with a troubled look and asks "dad, whats the difference between a vagina and a cunt ?". After recovering from shock the dad hoists billy up on his knee, reaches over for a marker and a playboy. He unfolds the centerfold of a woman spreading her legs and circles her groin with the marker. "son ya see this here" pointing to her groin "thats a vagina, everything outside the circle is a cunt" favorite names for female marines or WM's junk on a bunk wookie waste of money
Link Posted: 5/24/2001 10:58:34 AM EDT
What's this sound? clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG! clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG! An Amish drive-by shooting.
Link Posted: 5/24/2001 11:35:53 AM EDT
A policman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A ten year old boy was up the road with a hand painted sig tat read " RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign that said "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the officer approched the window flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmans Ball." The officer replied "Highway Patrolman don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, the officer realized what he'd just said. He then closed the book, got back in his car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Link Posted: 5/24/2001 12:45:07 PM EDT
Originally Posted By radioman: What do you call the flesh around a hole? A WOMAN! radioman *flame suit donned*
View Quote
That's what I call the flesh I sometimes have around my penis.
Link Posted: 5/24/2001 1:17:24 PM EDT
A cop tries to pull over a driver for a burned-out tail light, but the driver flees - exceeding 80 miles per hour - but only for a couple of minutes before he pulls over. The cop approaches the car with his gun drawn and yells "What the hell were you doing!" The driver responds: "I'm sorry officer, but my wife left me last week for a cop, and I thought you were trying to return her!"
Link Posted: 5/24/2001 2:14:46 PM EDT
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification. At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way. The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?" "He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."
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