Girlspeak To English Dictionary - Updated with Addendums

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Girlspeak To English Dictionary - Updated with Addendums

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:18:24 PM EDT

She says -------------------------------------------------> English
You want ------------------------------------------------->You want
We need ------------------------------------------------->I want
It's your decision --------------------------------------->The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want ------------------------------------------------->You'll pay for this later
We need to talk ------------------------------------------------->I need to complain
Sure...go ahead ------------------------------------------------->I don't want you to.
I'm not upset-------------------------------------------------> Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly ------------------------------------------------->You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. ------------------------------->Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! ------------------------------------------------->And I'm not I'm on my period. overreacting!

Be romantic, turn out the lights. -------------------------------------------------> I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. ------------------------------------------------->I want a new house.
I want new curtains ------------------------------------------------->and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there ------------------------------------------------->No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise ------------------------------------------------->I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? ------------------------------------------------->I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? ----------------------->I did something today you're really not going to like...

I'll be ready in a minute. -----------------> Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? ------------------------------------------------->Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. ------------------------------------------------->Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? -------------------------------------------------> (Too late, your dead.)
Yes-------------------------------------------------> No
No ------------------------------------------------->No
Maybe ------------------------------------------------->No
I'm sorry. ------------------------------------------------->You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? --------------------->It's easy to fix, so you'd better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! -------------------------------------->Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The same old thing. ------------------------------------------------->Nothing.
Nothing. ------------------------------------------------->Everything.
Everything. ------------------------------------------------->My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. ---------------------------------------->It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. ------------------>Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:20:22 PM EDT

[#1]

Your Formatting is teh suck

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:26:07 PM EDT

[#2]

Quoted:
Your Formatting is teh suck

+1. good stuff otherwise

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:28:59 PM EDT

[#3]

Made more readable:

Quoted:
Girlspeak To English Dictionary

She says English
--------- -------
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be
obvious by now

Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat
a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think
about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period.
overreacting!

Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture,
wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost
asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something
expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're
really not going to like...

I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd
better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I
think this is important.

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an
asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up
evidence against you.

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:41:18 PM EDT

[#4]

Twenty-one Points for Women Who Want Their Men to "Open Up"

A perfectly valid word for an exchange of thoughts and feelings is "intercourse." There's a good reason for this. For every complaint that women have about how we try to get sex from them, we can make a similar point about how women try to get emotion from us.

Don't just snap your fingers and say, "Open up."

Though you may feel a strong urge to "do it," men are different. Intercourse does not always have to be in and out, back and forth. Men value and enjoy non-verbal intercourse, like being understood and accepted for what they are, not what they say.

You can't force intercourse and expect your man to enjoy it. You might force him to fake an understanding just to get it over with.

Men will not hop into emotional intimacy with just anyone. Men know that women are always ready to get into somebody's head. You must convince him that he is not just another piece of mind.

You should let him be on top sometimes. Men are tired of being in the inferior position, especially in hot and passionate intercourse.

Don't perform tricks that make him feel inadequate. Remember that you have been raised with more skill in intercourse than he has.

Men were taught that only women are supposed to enjoy intercourse. Help him not to feel guilty and weird for doing it.

Let him take control sometimes. Don't insist on controlling whose needs must be met when.

Don't talk and tell. Don't get him to "put out" and then rush to your women friends with the intimate details.

If your thrusting and probing hurts him, stop immediately. Don't assume that he'll start to like it just because you do.

Allow him to initiate. Don't hit on him with so many requests for intercourse that he never feels the urge to start intercourse at his own pace, according to his own needs.

Men are often shy and insecure about their flaws and blemishes, about whether you will find them attractive. Don't expect your man to show you everything right away.

Remember that good intercourse is not a wrestling match. There should be no winner and no loser.

Respect your lover as an equal partner. You don't own him; he does not exist for the sole purpose of providing your pleasure.

If you have ever abused him during intercourse, understand that it may take a long, long time for your man to open up to you again.

Keep in mind that men's and women's rhythms are different. Don't get angry if his needs don't coincide with yours.

If you simply want to release tension, let him know. Don't pretend that you're doing it for him. Men often resist intercourse if they feel pressured about "getting into it."

There is no such thing as the ideal lover. Don't try to make your partner into something he isn't. Accept your man as he is.

Foreplay is essential; gentle stroking of the ego can help. If you encounter a ravenous ego, remember it is ravenous not because it gets too much healthy attention, but because it gets too little.

Don't get hung up on achieving simultaneous understanding. Men's understandings take longer, but they are usually more intense.

Respect him in the morning.

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:44:54 PM EDT

[#5]

Politically Correct Usage When Talking To/About Today's Females

She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breasts will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY RESPONSIVE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:
SNORE
She:
LOVE SNUFFLES

She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:52:11 PM EDT

[#6]

An Addemndum to Girlspeak

Coded -------------------------------------------------> Decoded
A man must be able to protect me. -------------------------------------------------> A man must be able to spare me from all forms of discomfort. (What else could he protect her from? Robbers? An atom bomb?)

I need a man to make me feel secure. ------------------------------------------------->Above all, he must keep his money worries to himself.
I must be able to look up to a man. ------------------------------------------------->To be a possible candidate as a husband, he must be more intelligent, responsible, courageous, industrious, and stronger than I am. Otherwise, what purpose would he serve?
Of course I would give up my career if my husband asked me. ------------------------------------------------->Once he is earning enough money, I am never going to work again.
The only thing I want in life is to make him happy. ------------------------------------------------->I will do everything in my power to stop him from knowing how much I exploit him.
I will never bother him with trivial problems. ------------------------------------------------->I'll do anything rather than keep him away from his work.
I am there for him alone. ------------------------------------------------->No other man has to work for me.
In the future I shall devote my life to my family. ------------------------------------------------->I'm not going to lift another finger for the rest of my life. It's his turn now.
I don't believe in Women's Liberation. ------------------------------------------------->I'm not such a fool. I'd rather let a man do the work for me.
After all, we are living in an age of equality. ------------------------------------------------->If he thinks he can order me about, just because he earns money for me, he is sorely mistaken.
I'm so bad at doing things like that. ------------------------------------------------->That's a job he will have to do. What's he there for anyway?
He knows absolutely everything. ------------------------------------------------->He even serves the function of an encyclopedia.
If a couple really love each other, there is no need to get married at once. ------------------------------------------------->He is being a bit obstinate, but I'll soon get around him in bed.
I love him. ------------------------------------------------->He is an excellent workhorse.

"Of course women use stock phrases like these only when there is a man around to hear them. In the company of other women they talk about their men quite normally, as they would speak of a domestic appliance, which everyone knows to be practical anyway.

"If a woman says, "I've decided to give up wearing this coat -- or that hat -- because my boy friend doesn't like it," she really means, "I might as well do him that favor. He's doing everything I want anyhow."

"When women are among themselves, discussing the desirable qualities of a specific man, they will never declare that they want someone to look up to, someone who will protect them. Such twaddle would be greeted with the laughter it deserves. They are more likely to say they want a man with such and such a job: jobs are synonymous with income level, old-age pensions, widows' endowments, and the ability to pay high life-insurance premiums. Or a woman might well say, "The man I'm going to marry must be a little older than I, at least half a head taller, and more intelligent." By which she means that it looks "normal" for a somewhat older, stronger, more intelligent human being to provide for a younger, weaker, more stupid creature."

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:58:24 PM EDT

[#7]

Laundromats

"Middle-class husbands are like appliances. They come with a manual of instructions which you are supposed to read before you install them. They are guaranteed by the Church and Good Housekeeping, but the guarantee is void if you don't follow the instructions. There are maintenance manuals on every newsstand telling you how to keep them oiled properly. And when you have worn one out, madam, you can turn him in for a good price at the courthouse, after which you can stop worrying and send your clothes to the laundry. Then you will have plenty of free time on your hands, which you can use to sit around the house and bite your nails.

"Middle-class wives are also like appliances. They come with a manual of instructions you are supposed to read before you install them. They are guaranteed by the Church and Good Housekeeping, but the guarantee is void if you don't follow the instructions. There are maintenance manuals on every newsstand telling you how to keep them oiled properly. The difference is that instead of your wearing her out, sir, she wears you out, and instead of your turning her in and getting part of your money back, she turns you in and you have to keep up the payments. What kind of washing machine is that? No wonder some men prefer the laundromat."

Posted: 12/14/2005 7:59:50 PM EDT

[#8]

Posted: 12/14/2005 8:09:20 PM EDT

[#9]

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking? " The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me? " The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat? " The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not " and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me? " The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died? " Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes, that only seems right."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

Posted: 12/14/2005 8:13:13 PM EDT

[#10]

What She Says ------------------------------------------------->What She Really Means
I want a man who's a good provider. ---------------------> I want to be spared from the necessity of having to work for a living and to have a lifestyle I can't afford on my own.

I really like sex. ----------------------------------------->Until he slips the ring on my finger.
I really like giving blowjobs. ------------------------------------------------->Ditto.
I like older men. ------------------------------------->They have more money, are less sexually demanding, and if I marry one, he could kick off soon enough for me to have fun with his cash.

I want to be able to stay home and take care of the children. ----------------------------->Talking on the phone with my girlfriends while I keep an eye on the kids sounds a hell of a lot easier than slaving 8+ hours a day at an office. Pretty soon I'll be able to pressure my husband into paying for a nanny and a maid, and I'll never have to lift a finger again.

I like you as a friend. -------->Your income isn't large enough for me to waste my time dating you.
I never sleep with a man on the first date. ------------------------------------>Ditto.
In the future I shall devote my life to my family. -------------->I'm not going to lift another finger for the rest of my life. It's his turn now.

I always pay my own way. --------------------------------->Ditto.
You're a jerk!. ---------------------->My Pussy Power isn't working on you.
Politically Correct. ------------------->Pussy Whipped
You're a gentleman. --------------->He's a truly brainwashed sucker who will pay for everything and won't ask for sex.
I love you. --------------------------->You're an excellent workhorse.
You're sexually harassing me. ---------------->I want to be able to freely use my sexuality to get ahead in life, but I don't want to be held accountable for my actions.

I'm being discriminated against. -------->I don't have talent, skills, or training to get a better position, but I want to be promoted anyway, and be paid "as much as a man".

Men are "pigs". -------->I have learned to lie to myself about my sexual desires, and prostitute them, and scorn men because they don't.

Men "think" with their dicks. -------------------------------->Ditto.
I want a man with "class", who will treat me "like a lady". ----------------------->He will spend money without reservation or hesitation for my pleasure, and will demand nothing in return.

Men can't communicate. ------->They aren't able to read my mind, and they aren't focusing on me, me, me.
Dating. ----------------------------------->Legalized prostitution.
Marriage. --------------------------------->Ditto.

I believe in equal rights. ----------------------------->As long as the standards are lowered; as long as I can still use my sexuality to get ahead; as long as I can earn an equal salary but still expect a man to pay for me; as long as I can attend male-only schools and join male-only clubs, but still subscribe to institutions which discriminate against men; and as long as I am not susceptible to draft or combat.

Posted: 12/14/2005 8:18:17 PM EDT

[#11]

On Marriage

"I'm not talking about a permanent commitment. I'm talking about marriage."
- suitor in a New Yorker cartoon

"Modern marriage, it has been said, is now analogous to 'notarized dating'."
- Brian Willats

"From an institution designed to produce and safeguard the next generation, marriage is being reduced to a love affair with some legal benefits attached..."
- Melanie Phillips

"Marriage is like a feast where the appetizers are better than the main course and there is no dessert."
- Garrison Keilor's character Guy Noir in "The Prairie Home Companion"

"...marriage as an institution is a disease. It can never be what it is pretended to be. If anything, it can be a depository of losers, of men and women who can't have what they want, so they take what they can get."
- Serge Kreutz (source)

"If marriage is as much for fathers as it is for mothers, why is it called Matrimony?"
- Jack Kammer (source)

"...marriage confers no rights on husbands. . . the purpose of marriage is to provide women with ex-husbands. . .the marriage contract confers no rights on fathers, only obligations..."
- Daniel Amneus

"...sex is probably the last thing a marriage guarantees." - Meredith F. Small

"A wedding is an orgy of female narcissism." - Matthew Fitzgerald (source)

"I think a huge number of marriages would qualify as legal prostitution if the law was changed. My wife certainly makes me pay through the nose for the little bit of sex I get."
- Rodney

"The difference between a wife and a hooker is that you'll pay 100 times more for the wife... and get 100 times less!"
- unknown

"A man who supposed his wife married him only out of love ... would be a ruddy fool."
- Daniel Amneus (source - long)

"When you marry you're not just getting a boss. You're getting two. You're getting the law, the State, as a silent second spouse. And since it's the law, this bigamy is legal."
- Jed H. Abraham

"Portraying marriage as a man's ball-and-chain used to be a joke. Now, it is a political problem."
- Stephen Baskerville (source)

"Instead of marrying again, I think I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
- Steven Segal

"Marriage is the only game where the trapped animal has to buy the license."
- Dan Poynter

"The tax is just Phase 1 of the marriage penalty."
- Michael Feldman

"Sex is the game; marriage is the penalty." - unknown

Posted: 12/15/2005 4:23:30 AM EDT

[#12]

Awesome!

Quoted:
Twenty-one Points for Women Who Want Their Men to "Open Up"

A perfectly valid word for an exchange of thoughts and feelings is "intercourse." There's a good reason for this. For every complaint that women have about how we try to get sex from them, we can make a similar point about how women try to get emotion from us.

Don't just snap your fingers and say, "Open up."

Though you may feel a strong urge to "do it," men are different. Intercourse does not always have to be in and out, back and forth. Men value and enjoy non-verbal intercourse, like being understood and accepted for what they are, not what they say.

You can't force intercourse and expect your man to enjoy it. You might force him to fake an understanding just to get it over with.

Men will not hop into emotional intimacy with just anyone. Men know that women are always ready to get into somebody's head. You must convince him that he is not just another piece of mind.

You should let him be on top sometimes. Men are tired of being in the inferior position, especially in hot and passionate intercourse.

Don't perform tricks that make him feel inadequate. Remember that you have been raised with more skill in intercourse than he has.

Men were taught that only women are supposed to enjoy intercourse. Help him not to feel guilty and weird for doing it.

Let him take control sometimes. Don't insist on controlling whose needs must be met when.

Don't talk and tell. Don't get him to "put out" and then rush to your women friends with the intimate details.

If your thrusting and probing hurts him, stop immediately. Don't assume that he'll start to like it just because you do.

Allow him to initiate. Don't hit on him with so many requests for intercourse that he never feels the urge to start intercourse at his own pace, according to his own needs.

Men are often shy and insecure about their flaws and blemishes, about whether you will find them attractive. Don't expect your man to show you everything right away.

Remember that good intercourse is not a wrestling match. There should be no winner and no loser.

Respect your lover as an equal partner. You don't own him; he does not exist for the sole purpose of providing your pleasure.

If you have ever abused him during intercourse, understand that it may take a long, long time for your man to open up to you again.

Keep in mind that men's and women's rhythms are different. Don't get angry if his needs don't coincide with yours.

If you simply want to release tension, let him know. Don't pretend that you're doing it for him. Men often resist intercourse if they feel pressured about "getting into it."

There is no such thing as the ideal lover. Don't try to make your partner into something he isn't. Accept your man as he is.

Foreplay is essential; gentle stroking of the ego can help. If you encounter a ravenous ego, remember it is ravenous not because it gets too much healthy attention, but because it gets too little.

Don't get hung up on achieving simultaneous understanding. Men's understandings take longer, but they are usually more intense.

Respect him in the morning.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Girlspeak To English Dictionary - Updated with Addendums

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