[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Best witty comebacks (Page 1 of 3)
Posted: 1/3/2015 2:19:48 PM EDT
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I was in line behind a true bitch of a woman. She laid into the poor girl at the counter like she was an unwanted stepchild. Real ugly stuff.
I got to the head of the line, the girl (maybe 20) was very unhappy about it. Didn't say anything but you could tell. I whispered to her, "Don't worry, she's been that way since she was a puppy." It took her a few seconds to get it but she started to giggle. |
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Quoted: I was in line behind a true bitch of a woman. She laid into the poor girl at the counter like she was an unwanted stepchild. Real ugly stuff. I got to the head of the line, the girl (maybe 20) was very unhappy about it. Didn't say anything but you could tell. I whispered to her, "Don't worry, she's been that way since she was a puppy." It took her a few seconds to get it but she started to giggle. Good shit. Also, Costanza's jerk store comeback was gold.  |
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Good shit. Also, Costanza's jerk store comeback was gold.
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Quoted:
I was in line behind a true bitch of a woman. She laid into the poor girl at the counter like she was an unwanted stepchild. Real ugly stuff. I got to the head of the line, the girl (maybe 20) was very unhappy about it. Didn't say anything but you could tell. I whispered to her, "Don't worry, she's been that way since she was a puppy." It took her a few seconds to get it but she started to giggle. Good shit. Also, Costanza's jerk store comeback was gold.
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Quoted: ??? Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: I was in line behind a true bitch of a woman. She laid into the poor girl at the counter like she was an unwanted stepchild. Real ugly stuff. I got to the head of the line, the girl (maybe 20) was very unhappy about it. Didn't say anything but you could tell. I whispered to her, "Don't worry, she's been that way since she was a puppy." It took her a few seconds to get it but she started to giggle. Good shit. Also, Costanza's jerk store comeback was gold. ???  |
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I was in line behind a true bitch of a woman. She laid into the poor girl at the counter like she was an unwanted stepchild. Real ugly stuff. I got to the head of the line, the girl (maybe 20) was very unhappy about it. Didn't say anything but you could tell. I whispered to her, "Don't worry, she's been that way since she was a puppy." It took her a few seconds to get it but she started to giggle. Good shit. Also, Costanza's jerk store comeback was gold.
??? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpNPw4H6_tU |
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We were out drinking for the New Years when my wife started rambling on about how the best way to pluck the feather from a chicken is to boil it. We don't live on a farm, and she has never plucked a chicken in her life.
I stared her right in the eyes, and said, "Tell us more Colonel. At what point do I add my 11 herbs and spices?" |
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My favorite was a true story once told to me by my ex-wife before were were married. One day when she was a senoir in high school she was tardy because of trafffic. So she had to go to the Principal's Office to get a Hall Pass to go to class. When she got to the Principal's Office there were already two other girls in the Waiting Area sitting on benches across from each other. The two had apparently been in a fight and were awating a disciplinary action from the Principal.
All of a sudden, one of the girls yelled at the other, "You're a whore, a slut, and a bitch." The other yelled back, "I may be a whore and a slut, but I'm not a bitch. You can ask any of the guys I've fucked." |
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I was at the store and a little hottie in running outfit was buying health food in front of me, I had soda and some other stuff in my cart and she looked at what I had and said in a bitchy tone " You shouldn't be eating that stuff as its not good for you"
I looked right at her and told her " when you have an incurable brain tumor it really doesn't mater what you eat anymore" She turned beet red then pale white when she realized what I said and grabbed her cart and ran out of the store The cashier asked if I was ok and I told her I was fine,I just hate people that judge what I'm buying she and the people in line started to laugh and said I just ruined that bitches day. |
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My favorite was a true story once told to me by my ex-wife before were were married. One day when she was a senoir in high school she was tardy because of trafffic. So she had to go to the Principal's Office to get a Hall Pass to go to class. When she got to the Principal's Office there were already two other girls in the Waiting Area sitting on benches across from each other. The two had apparently been in a fight and were awating a disciplinary action from the Principal. All of a sudden, one of the girls yelled at the other, "You're a whore, a slut, and a bitch." The other yelled back, "I may be a whore and a slut, but I'm not a bitch. You can ask any of the guys I've fucked." Her true story is a spin on an old joke. |
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"Don't f*** with a truck when your only a jeep." or "alligator mouth hummingbird ass"
"Hung like a stud gerbil." "You thought you had three pubic hairs until you pissed outta one." "Better to be thought an idiot than open your mouth and remove all doubt" ( classic) "There may be two sides to every story,you're still a douche in both." "If I toss a stick, will you chase it?" ETC.... |
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I was at the store and a little hottie in running outfit was buying health food in front of me, I had soda and some other stuff in my cart and she looked at what I had and said in a bitchy tone " You shouldn't be eating that stuff as its not good for you" I looked right at her and told her " when you have an incurable brain tumor it really doesn't mater what you eat anymore" She turned beet red then pale white when she realized what I said and grabbed her cart and ran out of the store The cashier asked if I was ok and I told her I was fine,I just hate people that judge what I'm buying she and the people in line started to laugh and said I just ruined that bitches day. 
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I think I had maybe 5 yrs on the job. One of the station Captains was patting himself on the back about some deed done right, and he was hard headed and bald.
Back at the station he started with "grass don't grow on a racetrack" I replied with " it don't grow through concrete either" Laughs all around. And I was waxing axles the rest of the afternoon. 
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We were out drinking for the New Years when my wife started rambling on about how the best way to pluck the feather from a chicken is to boil it. We don't live on a farm, and she has never plucked a chicken in her life. I stared her right in the eyes, and said, "Tell us more Colonel. At what point do I add my 11 herbs and spices?" So how was the sex later that night?
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I once called a vendor to tear him a second asshole about some defective product. The owner/boss was not available, so the guy I was talking to offered to take a message, so i told him - 'You tell that fucking idiot,.....fuck..product...fuck....shove it..fucking..ass..fuck. etc.' The guy finally interrupted me - "Sir, how do you spell fuck? " - It sure shut me right the fuck up. |
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Paul Reubens was arrested for exposing himself in a porno theater in Florida.  I still remember praying for him in class when I was...oh about 5 or 6 years old. Classic.
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My favorite when people just blatantly ignore instructions (roads signs, 20 items in the 10 item lane, trying to use an expired coupon, ect...) "Well reading isn't for everyone" My variation is "Awe, I understand, it doesn't have pictures. Oh?!? Guess you can't use that excuse." |
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Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus." The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town. As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top. Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show." All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says.. "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown. As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever! The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad. INSULT SCHOOL Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor! 'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day. So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off. Then his day arrives... As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off m.f. hell bent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off. He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts... The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show." All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says.. "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says... - - - - - - - - "FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"
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On a deployment we had a helcopter with an FM radio issue. When we thought we had it fixed, I was in the Avnx shop manning the radio there while someone else from the shop was on the helicopter. The conversation went like this.
Helicopter "This is aircraft XXX FM radio check over" Me "Aircraft XXX I read you, but there is an air flapping llke noise when you transmit" Helicopter "You mean the sound your lips make when they flap together" Me "No, the sound your mom makes when I pull out" It was at 3AM, so only a few people heard that exchange. The night shift PC NCOIC just said watch what you say on the radios (but admitted it was funny as hell), It probably would have been worse had it occured during the day. |
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You're the tallest midget at the circus
Your mother should have done the world a favor and smothered you in your crib True story: While boarding a bus one time to go to training, I sat down and saw another squid who I gave shit to quite a bit coming towards me. I asked him, "How's your wife and my kid?" Without missing a beat, he said back "Wife's fine, kid's retarded." The bus roared. |