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9/19/2017 7:27:10 PM
Posted: 2/3/2006 9:18:57 AM EDT
"ARMY Rank Descriptions"


General - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, walks on water, and talks to God.

Colonel - Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm, and claims to talk to God.

Lt. Colonel - Leaps short buildings w/ a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if a special request is approved.

Major - Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotive, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain - Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun w/ out inflicting self-injury, can dog-paddle, and talks to animals.

1 Lt. - Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammo, can stay afloat if properly instructed on use of a life jacket, and talks to water.

2 Lt. - Falls over door steps when trying to enter a building, says "look at the choo-choos," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

Sergeant - Lifts tall buildings and walks under all of them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches bullets in their teeth and chews them up, freezes water with a single glance, and claims to be God.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 9:21:03 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 9:22:42 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 9:22:42 AM EDT
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 9:22:52 AM EDT
Yep, that about covers it.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 9:26:32 AM EDT
I do NOT mumble!
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 9:30:15 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 2/3/2006 10:14:28 AM EDT by mmx1]
got a different version of this:


General

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

1st Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

Officer Candidate

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.

Link Posted: 2/3/2006 9:41:54 AM EDT
The Sergeant one is the best!
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 10:22:45 AM EDT
The Army......

Rank Recognition in the Navy

Admiral
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

Captain
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

Commander
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

Lieutenant Commander
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

Lieutenant
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

Lieutenant Junior Grade
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.

Ensign
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

Chief
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it,
HE IS GOD.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 10:26:29 AM EDT

Originally Posted By KA3B:
The Army......

Rank Recognition in the Navy

Admiral
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

Captain
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

Commander
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

Lieutenant Commander
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

Lieutenant
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

Lieutenant Junior Grade
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.

Ensign
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

Chief
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it,
HE IS GOD.



Nice try, but everbody knows the Navy doesn't have locomotives.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 11:08:39 AM EDT

Originally Posted By dvr9:
Nice try, but everbody knows the Navy doesn't have locomotives.



The Navy has a few locomotives in service.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 3:35:53 PM EDT
The Original version came out about some time during the Viet Nam War.

When I was going to AIT (the next stop after Basic) the Definitions of Rank was posted at some building (I forget just which one).
The Original had an Army Engineering Company in Germany as the Original Authors.
As this was 1975 the Navy has my permission to put in THEIR version of the ranks.

By the way, where is the Air Force Definition of Ranks?

Link Posted: 2/3/2006 3:43:45 PM EDT
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 3:45:38 PM EDT
Sgt. Chuck Norris
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 3:47:10 PM EDT
The only way you can pull rank around here is if you tattoo stripes on your dork.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 4:37:50 PM EDT

Originally Posted By KA3B:

Originally Posted By dvr9:
Nice try, but everbody knows the Navy doesn't have locomotives.



The Navy has a few locomotives in service.



They sure do . . .



The Man Train.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 4:43:57 PM EDT

Originally Posted By GiggleSmith:
The Original version came out about some time during the Viet Nam War.

When I was going to AIT (the next stop after Basic) the Definitions of Rank was posted at some building (I forget just which one).
The Original had an Army Engineering Company in Germany as the Original Authors.
As this was 1975 the Navy has my permission to put in THEIR version of the ranks.

By the way, where is the Air Force Definition of Ranks?




I got this in an email earlier today and it was an Air Force version.

Sergeant was place in the stead of Tech Sergeant.
Link Posted: 2/3/2006 4:55:30 PM EDT

Originally Posted By dvr9:
"ARMY Rank Descriptions"

......
Sergeant - Lifts tall buildings and walks under all of them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches bullets in their teeth and chews them up, freezes water with a single glance, and claims to be God.



When General Patton died after World War 2 he went to the gates of Heaven to talk to St. Peter. The first thing he asked is if there were any Marines in heaven. St. Peter told him no, Marines are too rowdy for heaven.

He then asked why Patton wanted to know. Patton told him he was sick of the Marines overshadowing the Army because the did more with less and were all hard-core sons of bitches. St. Peter reassured him there were no Marines so Patton went into Heaven.

As he was checking out his new home he rounded a corner and saw someone in Marine Dress Blues. He ran back to St. Peter and yelled "You lied to me! There are Marines in heaven!"

St. Peter said "Who him? That’s just God. He wishes he were a Marine."


Link Posted: 2/3/2006 4:59:16 PM EDT
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