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6/2/2020 2:34:59 PM
Posted: 1/1/2003 1:39:24 PM EDT
Well, after spending a nice quiet lunch with my Mother and some nephews, I was told by one them that my nephew, whom we have had custody of for 2 years spit in a teachers coffee-cup.This pissed me off so bad my head felt like it was going to explode!

I confronted him and he confessed.I didn't spank him.Sent to his room til further notice.

Little history on him:
9 yoa
dad is in prison
kid lies about anything.the sky could be blue outside, but hes adament its cloudy and raining.
he's had counseling
mom is on skid row
he was taken twice by CPS from his parents and has floated around the Los Angeles foster system since he was three.

Anyways, my conscience just wont allow me to let this go unpunished by the school system.I told him we were going to the principals office tomorrow and he is to confess what he's done.I wonder of this will open up a can of worms legally? Should I have my lawyer present?

I let him and my other three kids know that I am there for them, ALWAYS.No neglect or any favortism.I take them to their activities and supervise them as the primary caregiver.

At my wits end, but dont want to throw him back to the jungle.
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 1:44:41 PM EDT
I would take care of it at home, myself. No way would I have him confess at the school. It would be the right thing to do, to have him tell the teacher that he did it to, but in today's political climate, especially in California, he'll probably get thrown in jail forever, or sued or something else rediculous.
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 1:51:34 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 1:51:37 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Ponyboy:
I would take care of it at home, myself. No way would I have him confess at the school. It would be the right thing to do, to have him tell the teacher that he did it to, but in today's political climate, especially in California, he'll probably get thrown in jail forever, or sued or something else rediculous.
View Quote

Or the principle will think you forced him to confess or threatened him. There are still some teachers/principles in schools these days that become over reactive when hearing things like that regardless if the child is known to be in trouble or cuase trouble. You could risk custody of your nephew if the principle called child welfare. I would leave it at home to be safe.
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 1:54:07 PM EDT
Keep it at home.

If you take this to the school all of the teachers will know of the situation. Your nephew will be branded and never get a fair break from any teacher for as long as he is at that school.

Link Posted: 1/1/2003 1:54:26 PM EDT
I agree with Ponyboy. Sanction him outside of the school system.

Kudos to you for not spanking him. The most important thing is an immediate response from you at every such incident. At the same time reinforce that you respect his honesty when it is presented.

Link Posted: 1/1/2003 1:58:52 PM EDT
definitely some sort of punishment from YOU!  do not go back to the $^%$%^^**!@*! school.  we cant even trust ours to teach our kids what WE learned growing up, so how can we trust them to do the right thing in this instance?  the others are probably right, you could get sued and open up Pandora's Box in this situation. keep it at home.
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 2:16:16 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 2:20:30 PM EDT
It's a good time to teach him consequences...Unfortunately,  they may suspend him at the school. If he's anything like I was as a kid, that will be a frick'n reward.  Im suspicious w/ apologies (did a 5 yr tour as in social work hell), because chances are, if he is sorry, he's sorry he got caught. Corporal punishment worked well as a behavior modification technique w/ me as a kid.....but it doesn't work well with all young'uns.  If  he understands that adults are incharge, and he is not on equal grounds with adults, I'd have him fess up and I'd whip his ass with a switch he picked out(tell him prior that if doesnt pick out a sufficiant size switch he' ll get  more lashes if you have to pick it), take all his toys for 2 weeks and no tv for a month and labor around the house 8 hrs on saturday for 2 weeks.  

This would never wash.....but having the teacher spit in his drink and make him drink  it and hold it down is the most fitting.

People will probably flame me for saying that, but a 9 yr old knows that what he did was wrong....unless his IQ is 60(which I doubt)

sorry to hear he comes from such a screwed history.  He is very fortunate to have  good folk in his life now...some never do.

I've dealt with kids that were  not held accountable for thier actions during their youth and they grow up to have miserable adulthoods...because, at age 18, unless you are a Kennedy, a famous actor or a superstar athlete, the system will dole out consequences..
Oh, and any chance you get, give praise and reward positive behaivor...I am in no way suggesting you don't already do that.

Good luck.

end rant.


ps; I gave up social work because 99% of the idiots I worked with didnt understand that a childs poor rearing/past or current home life is not an EXCUSE for their negative behavior, just an explanation. And, I only personally witnessed an approximate 10%  success rate when dealing with "high risk" youth, whisch I believe is largely due to bleeding heart positions of child rearing.

okay....end rant, for real.
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 2:29:03 PM EDT
Go through with the meeting with the teacher.  Tell him to say NOTHING, that is he opens his mouth there will be hell to pay.  Then proceed to ask the teacher that you think "Johnny" has been slacking lately and that you think he needs some special attention and some more homework.  Let the teacher know that you expect a little extra attention shown to your nephew and that he should not be shown any mercy of the extra homework.  He will think that you are going in to rat him out, but you will show him that you can be trusted, but that there are and will be consequences.

Link Posted: 1/1/2003 3:16:52 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/1/2003 3:19:18 PM EDT by TomJefferson]
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 3:55:20 PM EDT
Spare the rod, spoil the child. You got him late and I respect you for taking him. But you have to hold him accountable. Keep it at home, for sure, and since the shame of such an act will not work,.... well refer to the first line of my post. A lie is really a terrible thing for a child to use freely. Its all about accountability. Good luck

Link Posted: 1/1/2003 5:08:28 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/1/2003 5:29:57 PM EDT by MarianLibrarian]
As a former teacher let me advise you :


The kid will end up paying for it in ways that you never imagined and that have NOTHING to do with the crime itself.  The others are right in saying that the kid will be targeted by teachers from that point on.  Perhaps he should "volunteer" to do something nice for the teacher or school in exchange for you not telling them?  Deal with this at home.

Edited to add:

I just remembered that there was a case here where a kid pissed in a girl's coke...the girl's parents found out and the boy was charged with assault (with bodily fluid...i.e. a deadly weapon because of AIDS, HIV...).  Not a good thing for a 9 year old to face.  
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 5:16:27 PM EDT
Take action at home.  The school system is not good at handling discipline.  However, a meeting with the teacher on the homework addition is not a bad idea.

Keep in mind, once the creaking wheels of the school disciplinary system get rolling, it may well get out of  control.

His honesty in this case should be reinforced.

However, a definite grounding or other non-physical punishment is in order.  

Whatever consequence you choose should be something that he will be complaining about so that it will not be hidden from classmates and relatives and whoever it was he was showing off to. He probably should not want to spell it out lest the story get overheard by the staff.

Link Posted: 1/1/2003 8:19:13 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 8:27:05 PM EDT
Did he hawk up a "lunger", or was it just spit??
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 8:43:44 PM EDT
Ok, take this from someone not all that much older than he is: don't hit 'em, but make the punishment physical. E.g. work, PT (make 'em run a few miles...then see who's smiling), etc. Besides, all this gets them in shape and helps out around the house. iNuhBaDNayburhood's plan would work very well too. Be creative in your punishment (no, I don't mean for sick pleasure), that way your child will remember what happened each and every time..try to make it a little worse each time. The kid WILL get the message. Personally, I would put the kid through PT hell....make him do gobs of push-ups, sit-ups, and a few miles. It will keep him healthy too! IM me if you need more suggestions.
Link Posted: 1/1/2003 8:54:25 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/1/2003 8:56:25 PM EDT by USNJoe_Retired]
That teacher was pretty stupid for leaving a coffe cup out in the open. That's just an invite for evey sick and twised motherfucking little POS to dump spit, piss, drain cleaner, LSD whatever into it.

Give your nephew one more chance not to fuck up, and tell him that you are going to drop him off on the front steps of CPS next time he fucks up.

Don't tell the teacher anything, you would be setting yourself up for Lord on knows what kind of a lawsuit.
Link Posted: 1/2/2003 7:48:33 AM EDT
Thanks for the advice guys.

I, so far, have given him 40 days restriction,radio gone,video games gone and no tv or friends, etc.

He's been wimpering like a puppy in his room, but tough-shat.Im not going to advise the school, THIS time.

He obviously has some issues with authority.I've been hard on him, but I also love him as one of my own.I don't like seeing kids eaten up and destroyed by CPS.I can't give up on him yet.

I think some of his issues is that he has some physical deformaties on his left hand.His fingers are stunted due to his mom being a druggie while pregnant with him.Probably has affected his mental state somehow, too.

Anyways, thanks again.
This just goes to show arfcommers just arent mindless, raw flesh eating barbarians [:D]

You're all a good group...even Duncan [:D]
Link Posted: 1/2/2003 8:01:03 AM EDT
Originally Posted By liberty86:
Did he hawk up a "lunger", or was it just spit??
View Quote

liberty86, I believe that the correct trerm is "loogie".
Link Posted: 1/2/2003 8:07:49 AM EDT
The best advice you got was to keep it out of the school. One of my sons had a problem at school (this was a long time ago since I'm a grandfather now),and I thought it could be handled by the administration. WRONG! The situation got so fucked up that I believe I'm still seeing the effects of that decision today.

Link Posted: 1/2/2003 8:31:19 AM EDT
How much of a chance does a boy without a father have of ascending to manhood correctly? Show him the way, Tac.

The problems arising in raising a boy can, in many ways, be related to the industrial revolution and how that changed the amount of time a son spends with his father, which is where he learns how to be a man, and the many small rituals of passing from boyhood to manhood that are no longer a part of today's world or society. Boys still long to be men, but without guidance, they may choose inappropriate rituals, poor role models, or act in ways a real man would not.

There has been much written on this topic by people like Robert Bly.
Link Posted: 1/2/2003 9:13:14 AM EDT
I don't get most of these replies. This child spit in somebody's drink, that is one of the most vile things to do to someone. Taking away games and friends is done when his homework is not done, or coming home late, etc. but putting his body fluids in a teachers drink demands much more reaction. He has learned that this is not a serious thing to do, what is next? There is nothing wrong with spanking a child, even one with his up bringing. These instances are what spanking should be used for, along with ALOT of physical labor, loss of games etc.. Think if another child spit in your drink, what would you want the punishment to be?
Link Posted: 1/2/2003 9:23:18 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/2/2003 10:02:49 AM EDT
I've got a step-daughter that thinks lying is cool. She's 23. It's a self esteem problem. Betcha that 9 yo thinks he caused the dads or moms problems and if he was whatever things would work out for his parents. Hate to say this, but get him some psychiatric help.
Link Posted: 1/2/2003 2:13:24 PM EDT

That sounds like a fair decision on your part,  good call.  40 days is an eternity to a 9yr old.   When he figures out that you stick by your word and dont cave, he will think twice the next time he has an impulse to do something like this.

I hope that one day he realizes how lucky he is to have an uncle like you....


Link Posted: 1/2/2003 2:39:30 PM EDT
As a fellow Californistani and veteran stepparent I would recommend leaving the school system out of it.  If that teacher got sick and decided to sue someone for spreading germs your legal situation could get real ugly.

Unfortunately there has been some delay between the act and the consequences, which reduces the effects of punishment.  He may simply learn not to brag to his relatives about bad things he's done.

I think you are on the right track.  Taking away privileges is something any child can understand.  Let him know you mean business.

Ditto to what HillBillySasquatch said.
Link Posted: 1/3/2003 12:14:36 AM EDT
if the kid has problems with his hand from moms drug use, then the whole class knows it and has prolly pointed it out to him. this can be very TOUGH and embarrassing to live with at his age, being a little different is hard enough.
the kid is prolly trying to compensate for this with his actions, so he can still be "cool" and give the other kids something to focus on other than his hand. subconsiously of course.
Link Posted: 1/3/2003 12:46:02 AM EDT
I saw a news story were some kids poured dry erase spray cleaner in their teacher's coffee. She got liver damage.
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