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Posted: 8/29/2026 11:20:28 PM EDT
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The Space Aliens that put you on a quest to transit from a coastal island in what would become Virginia in the year 900 AD to the Pacific Ocean came back. Only this time they created a book accurate copy of Middle Earth minus magic and have decided to be dicks again and challenge you to survive Helms Deep. You have 60 minutes to arm yourself with whatever happens to currently be in your home, garage, or shed. You can only take what you are able to physically carry 100 yards over smooth concrete at sea level with an ambient temperature of 50 degrees F. The instant you step across the line you get transported into Helms Deep 4 hours before the battle begins. You’re given a translator to understand and speak with the Rohirrim and Common Tongue. You won’t be able to hide with the women and children. The orcs’ armor is 1/4th inch mild steel or thinner. Their average size is 5’5” to 6’ and they weigh between 150 and 180 lbs. If you survive the battle until the Huorns show up, you get transported home with whatever weapons you have left and are given 50 lbs of 24 carat gold for your troubles. What is your expedient armor, clothing, weapons and other accessories? |
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I will put on my mine hard hat with led lights, a chainsaw face shield. Heavy work clothes and steel toed boots. Belt with a machete, heavy work hammer, tomahawk. Two holsters and all the mags. Large 90L pack filled with all the ammunition. Shotgun. AR. Elk rifle. PCC. Road flares. Chem sticks. Case of tannerite. Roofing nails. Duct tape. Glass beer bottles, old rags, gasoline. Soap. Ear plugs. Bright LED spotlight. Extra handheld spotlights, batteries. Two nalgenes with betadyne anti septic water purification. 2 MREs and all the candy bars. 5 hour energy drinks. And if able, a pick axe. |
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Attached File Would prefer this, but you limited me to what is at the house... Attached File No, I wouldn't "carry" it, it would carry me. |
Been called many things: Asshole, hey you, Boats and a few others. The one I cherish is when a Marine called me "Doc"
Exceptionally Thick Member
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War belt, chest rig, as many pistols and mags as I have at hand and can carry, my old mystery ranch ruck with about 1,500 rds 75/77gr… shorty + 16” with optic, M14 with the 700 rds and two M14 mags I have on hand as I shuffle to the start line. Binos. Am I arriving on the battlements? Oh a can of CLP & some lithium grease. Boresnakes .30 and .22. Cleaning rod. I’ll need two stalwart youths as mag loaders and rifle techs. A spotter to use the binos. I’ll sketch a range card which will help immensely. Starting with the M14, I’ll shoot my Saltech and PPU ball until I run out or the rifle chokes irreparably, trying to catch leadership and siege equipment and ladder crews as far as I can make hits with the M14. Then scoped 5.56 rifle with 77gr until gone. When they need me on the wall, the shorty with 75gr. And a sword. |
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Let's see. 80 gallons of gas currently in the boat, plus a stack of that styrofoam panel insulation I have yet to get around to installing in the carport. I can borrow a torch once I get there. Your standard .308 AR and a case of ammo. Earplugs. Remember that dwarf tossing scene? Not necessary if you have napalm.  Snipe the Orc suicide bomber and we're all set. |
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Hmmmm, I probably can't carry enough 5.56 or 12 ga ammo to last the battle, but I can darn sure carry several thousand rounds of 22 LR, and my deadly accurate Nylon 66, along with a S&W 22 LR AR that's pretty good. I wonder how many orcs I could snipe with head shots? They weren't big on full face helmets. Add 5-6 survival straws, some MREs, a bayonet, maybe my AR-10 and 200 rounds for some pre-battle long range sniping, save a mag for the suicide bomber dude, and that would be about it. Not kidding about the Nylon 66 accuracy, BTW. That thing is like magic compared to every other long gun in my collection. I just think about what I want to hit with it, and the round goes right through the center. I believe several records have been set with Nylon 66's. |
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Hmmmm, I think for this you need high volume of fire, not necessarily super power or long distance. A MG with a reasonable ROF seems like a good idea, except for the ammo being limited by how much you can carry. I wouldnt waste weight with a handgun, which is hard for me to say. Im not sure Id waste the weight on NV. A grenade launcher like a Milkor or even a M79 is tempting; but the ammo means a lot of bulk to be carried that 100 yards, although Im not sure the Orcs would appreciate the CS Im assuming we could cobble together some LOTR grade napalm from oil, tar, and torches. Id like to say my MG34 and 10,000 rounds; but theres no way I can hump the gun and all that ammo the distance. Now if I can use a hand cart??? I dont have a M249; but I do have a Ares/Fightlite and 10K of mixed ball/tracer, which I might be able to hump the distance. 556 is probably fine; but I think Id want something heavier and might take a RPK and a crate full of drums I really think this is gonna be a volume of fire and anti armor issue with a sever weight limitation With those limitations, theres only one answer. This is an out of the normal GoToWar deal, The only real answer is a PS90 (SBR) with 50K rounds of ammo (although to be honest I dont have that much and for this one I will take my Five-seveN pistol. Given a choice Id want a heavy mix of Black Fang ammo and regular 27gr FMJ. I havent weighed that much 5.7x28 but when I carry my Five-seveN I can easily carry two 30 round mags with a 20 rnd mag in the pistol. 5.7x28 will eat any LOTR grade armor and still create stopping wounds, especially with bursts from a FRT. It also means I dont have to worry about head shots |
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The average American home appears to have half a dozen expedient melee weapons and the fixings for napalm or Molotov cocktails. to survive Helms Deep a guy should expect arrows and spears and orc swords. So some sort of body armor, head armor is probably needed. Not sure what could be an expedient shield in an American home but there’s probably something. |
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Originally Posted By WYPete: The average American home appears to have half a dozen expedient melee weapons and the fixings for napalm or Molotov cocktails. to survive Helms Deep a guy should expect arrows and spears and orc swords. So some sort of body armor, head armor is probably needed. Not sure what could be an expedient shield in an American home but there's probably something. |
“Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole.”
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— Thomas Sowell
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Originally Posted By WYPete: The average American home appears to have half a dozen expedient melee weapons and the fixings for napalm or Molotov cocktails. to survive Helms Deep a guy should expect arrows and spears and orc swords. So some sort of body armor, head armor is probably needed. Not sure what could be an expedient shield in an American home but there’s probably something. Yep lots of potential Chem weapons in the average house BUT thats more to hump to the gate and really how much toilet cleaner do you have on hand. Great "point" about the arrows, spears, and swords. Traditional kevlar vest will probably do "ok"(?) against a slash or two but definitely not against an arrow, especially a war arrow. A modern Kevlar helmet might be ok. Frankly Id try to get chain mail once there. Otherwise Id bet on mobility and firepower from the P90 to keep them off me. If I could carry the extra weight a few spotlights with a strobe feature might be a useful distraction to blind the archers |
Exceptionally Thick Member
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Originally Posted By WYPete: The average American home appears to have half a dozen expedient melee weapons and the fixings for napalm or Molotov cocktails. to survive Helms Deep a guy should expect arrows and spears and orc swords. So some sort of body armor, head armor is probably needed. Not sure what could be an expedient shield in an American home but there’s probably something. Attached File |
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NODS, Glock 19, AR and all the ammo I can carry. Fast helmet and PC ruck full of mags. an 870 for my translator and a bunch of 00. 4 hours is enough to train him how to use it. Let him cover my back I'd just get on the wall and start center punching them. Lined up like they were in the movie I'd get a bunch before they breached. |
Every citizen should be a soldier. This was the case of the Greeks and Romans and must be that of every free state. -T Jefferson
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Aero M5. BCM Recce 14 Glock 19 War belt PC NVGs All my mags All the ammo I could carry. Knife tomahawk 3day pack Water purifier bottle and tablets. So I don’t get the shits. I’d use the AR308 to shoot the orcs carrying the ied/torch guy. Shoot all the leadership within range until I ran out of ammo. Then fall back to the main gate to put accurate fire on anyone carrying breaching materials with the Recce. Once I ran out of ammo I’d pick up a bow. I’m pretty competent with long bow. Edit. My high cut helmet too. Forgot about that. |
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Originally Posted By WYPete: The Space Aliens that put you on a quest to transit from a coastal island in what would become Virginia in the year 900 AD to the Pacific Ocean came back. Only this time they created a book accurate copy of Middle Earth minus magic and have decided to be dicks again and challenge you to survive Helms Deep. You have 60 minutes to arm yourself with whatever happens to currently be in your home, garage, or shed. You can only take what you are able to physically carry 100 yards over smooth concrete at sea level with an ambient temperature of 50 degrees F. The instant you step across the line you get transported into Helms Deep 4 hours before the battle begins. You’re given a translator to understand and speak with the Rohirrim and Common Tongue. You won’t be able to hide with the women and children. The orcs’ armor is 1/4th inch mild steel or thinner. Their average size is 5’5” to 6’ and they weigh between 150 and 180 lbs. If you survive the battle until the Huorns show up, you get transported home with whatever weapons you have left and are given 50 lbs of 24 carat gold for your troubles. What is your expedient armor, clothing, weapons and other accessories? From start to Gandalf arriving with reinforcements took a single night, so ~12 hours? I’m assuming the bolded part means one trip. No carts etc. Literally have to be able to lift everything and walk it 100yds? Are you allowed to stop, put the shit down, then pick it up and continue? Or does it have to be 1 unbroken walk? That would put the weight limits on the individual’s physical abilities. In this case, I’d think my best role would be sniping major targets from cover/longer ranges. I wouldn’t bother with armor beyond a helmet, based on what the orc arrows seem to do. I routinely train with a 140lb weighted vest, and can do a farmer’s carry with the vest and a pair of 125lb dumbbells for that distance, so that gives me a maximum gear weight of 390lbs. As someone mentioned, most of the opponents don’t seem to favor full face helmets. The biggest advantage would be stopping the suicide bomber. If we estimate 1rd of .308 at 0.9oz, I can bring 4,000rds = 225lbs. Either the Arc’teryx Bora 95 or Eberlestock Operator (both claim similar volumes 95L and 97L, but I think the Eberlestock includes the long gun sheath in that volume) = ~10lbs. 2 large duffel bags = 6lbs The 18” G2 SASS with the lighter handguard and stock, suppressor, Razor AMG and Elite Iron bipod weighs 15.6lbs 30 20rd PMAGS = ~12lbs 10 D-50 mags = 17lbs 2x Sawyer Squeeze filters + 3x Platypus Gravity 3L bag setups (6 bags total with 3x dirty and 3x filtered water bags) with 2 sets of hoses = ~2lbs. 5lb tub of Cerasport EX1 to mix with the water. 1lb tub of preworkout  Small bottle of ibuprofen. 20 Millenium bars. That should easily come in under the 390lb gear weight that I’m able to carry. Recruit one or two of the Hobbits to reload mags. ***Hmmm… seeing as I’m below the weight limit I can personally carry the 100yds, I can probably sling both SCAR 17S’s as well. That would only add 20lbs with the Kahles K16i’s in Spuhr mounts. With 4 hours before the battle begins, I’ve taught brand newbies to shoot MOA/sub-MOA in 30-60 minutes. My trainees get 700 rds each (semi-auto only). 3 people with .308s and 4,000rds can easily mess up the opponents armed with swords, bows and light armor. |
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Originally Posted By WYPete: The Space Aliens that put you on a quest to transit from a coastal island in what would become Virginia in the year 900 AD to the Pacific Ocean came back. Only this time they created a book accurate copy of Middle Earth minus magic and have decided to be dicks again and challenge you to survive Helms Deep. You have 60 minutes to arm yourself with whatever happens to currently be in your home, garage, or shed. You can only take what you are able to physically carry 100 yards over smooth concrete at sea level with an ambient temperature of 50 degrees F. The instant you step across the line you get transported into Helms Deep 4 hours before the battle begins. You’re given a translator to understand and speak with the Rohirrim and Common Tongue. You won’t be able to hide with the women and children. The orcs’ armor is 1/4th inch mild steel or thinner. Their average size is 5’5” to 6’ and they weigh between 150 and 180 lbs. If you survive the battle until the Huorns show up, you get transported home with whatever weapons you have left and are given 50 lbs of 24 carat gold for your troubles. What is your expedient armor, clothing, weapons and other accessories? 1/4 inch steel armor? The Orcs couldn't move in that. |
Preferred Pronoun: Space Lord Mutherfucker
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Originally Posted By Vague: 10k 55gr weighs 260lbs according to the internet. Not that everyone is carrying 10k but some of you all are some stout fellas if you're toting everything on your list. My plan is just making it 100m. Then getting some help to carry it once transported Then setting up a cache of mags and ammo. |
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