Wife is contemplating a second child, and I could stand to talk this out with internet strangers (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 12/6/2023 11:45:19 AM EDT
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Me and my wife have a 3 year old boy now. She never wanted kids, and I never could tell if I did or not. She compromised, and gave me one. I absolutely love being a dad, and I want more. She is content with one. My wife wants desperately to become a veterinarian, so she has been working on getting into school for the last 2 years. It's tough, and competitive and takes a lot of work. It's her dream so I'll support her and we should be better off when she gets out, but it's a 4 year program once she gets in. She has applied and should find out this spring weather or not she got into any of the schools. She always said we could revisit the idea of more kids after she gets out of school. The other day, she told me she was absolutely done, and never having more kids. This made me very depressed, and she could tell. So she reconsidered for a few days, and told me that if she gets in, we can try for a kid around next August so that she is pregnant during her first year, and plan for the kid to be born shortly after final exams. Then, she can spend the summer with the kid before going back. It's unlikely she will get in in our home state, so she will likely be in another state for school. This seems like a terrible plan, but my only option. I'll basically be a single father of 2 for 4 years. But, I don't have a better idea, and if this is my only opportunity for another kid, I'll move mountains to get it done. I have a good job, and all rhe grandparents are in the area. It'll be tough, but i think I can do it. Money will be very tight, but I'm confident i can figure it out. If everything works out, my oldest will be just about kindergarten age for all of this anyway. I want to homeschool him, but it might have to wait until after the vet school thing is done. Give me some feedback. Am i dumb for wanting to try this? |
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How old are you? My situation shared some similarities with yours in that my wife is an MD We didn’t get married until her second year of medical school, and didn’t have our first child until she was in her second year of residency. Because of that we basically had one in our 20s, one in our 30s and one in our 40s. Now. That’s also where the similarities end. My wife always wanted kids. Plus I had things going on that also pushed things back. I was in the military and got hurt badly, then I went to law school (our second was born my last year) and then my mom got really sick and we postponed our 3rd so we could help care for her during her end of life. We may have ended up with 4 were it not for some of that. I guess my point is, this might not be your only time. I have friends older than me with kids younger than mine. They didn’t meet until later than life, both always wanted kids badly, and so just started later/. They’ll be in their 70s when their youngest goes to college granted, but that’s the hand life, love, and God dealt them, and that’s what they’re making the most out of |
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Originally Posted By jaqufrost: Do it. I have four and sometimes I want a fifth (and maybe sixth). It won't all be roses but you will be happier in the long run with another child. I often tell people i want 5. It's not really helping my case with my wife, but kids just seem like the answer to everything. |
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I'm going to go against the grain a little and say this is something you guys should have hammered out sooner. Either way, there is a huge opportunity for resentment from one side or the other. What you call her compromising when it comes to having children is just her capitulating to make you happy. She's not happy with one. She's gonna be less happy with two. |
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I got married and had kids later in life. I had planned on having one child because of my age. We went to a friend's house when my son was really young and he had a lot fun playing with their daughter. My wife felt bad that he was alone at home, he's a sweet boy and used to be quiet and shy. I worried that I'd croak someday while my son was still young and he'd be kind of left alone, so we have a daughter two years younger than my son. He really came out of his shell with my daughter as she got older and could talk etc. they're inseparable. He's a quiet boy so if he won't play she'll throw balls at him or steal one of his shoes and run away, any attention is good attention in her book. I think two children close in age gives them a playmate and a partner in facing the world. The responsibility of having a younger sibling has been good for him. He helps her with math, shows her how things on Minecraft and Roblox and they run all over rough housing. He's a sweet, gentle boy but when there's trouble, like she runs away, she scared by a dog or older boys are teasing her he leaps up like he's in a prison yard fight and chases her or jumps in front her. My wife works crazy hours and I do most of the day to day parenting m-f and part of the weekend. She handles dealing with tachers and setting up extracurricular activities although I take them. I have no support from relatives, having grandparents around would be a huge relief. I found out later my daughter tried to stay in NY with me when my wife and kids flew out to Utah and I stayed in NY for a few months. It seems like a brave thing for a little girl to try to stay behind when her mother and brother leave. She's done so much for everyone in our family |
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A big part of my recipe for success? Closely-spaced kids and at least one full-time parent. Father of 3 here, all in their 20s now, all good adults, and no major bumps in the road, even when the daughter was a teenager. |
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Originally Posted By JSteensen: I'm going to go against the grain a little and say this is something you guys should have hammered out sooner. Either way, there is a huge opportunity for resentment from one side or the other. What you call her compromising when it comes to having children is just her capitulating to make you happy. She's not happy with one. She's gonna be less happy with two. She is happy with one though. She is turning out to be a great mother for our son, and loves him deeply. I have a feeling she will be very happy with 2, but she just doesn't see it yet. But I do agree. She is only going along with kids at all because I want them, and she doesn't want me to resent her later in life. Which is difficult for me to reconcile. But, if everything works out as planned, she will be the breadwinner, and I'll stay home and take care of the kids after school is done. |
| Go for the 2nd kid. Do not live in different states when she is in school or you will likely end up a single dad permanently. That's not a slam against your wife. It's how life works most of the time. Better to sacrifice and live together than live separate lives and grow apart. |
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I have 5, so I know all about parenting multiple kids. For what it is worth, we had our 4th child literally the month my wife started law school, she missed a week of classes, and our 5th child was born 2 years later, the day before thanksgiving, and she missed another week of classes. And furthermore, my wife was 37 for #4, and 39 for #5. She decided to go to law school after we already had three kids. It's definitely do-able if you are both on board and motivated. Sometimes it isn't easy, but most worthy things take effort and commitment. Good luck Brother. You'll be fine. |
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Semi-relatable…. Here’s a story my father told my cousin about 10 years ago… She was in her late 20s and single. She had just finished her doctorate and started a career in the medical field. She wasn’t even interested in a relationship much less having children. She’s was all about her career and probably more so partying/clubbing. My dad told her something to the effect of; “When you’re 65 years old and your looks have faded and the party phase has long passed you will still have your career and plenty of money. But at the end of the day it’s gonna be real quiet and lonely and you’ll wish you had little grandkids running around your house.” She’s now married with 2 kids and a stay at home mom. |
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Originally Posted By billth777: The pending disaster is trying to raise two young kids while your wife is away for 4 years spending $150k on a degree that pays $80k. you guys need to re evaluate this plan and not the kid parts. This.^ And put home schooling right up front. I have three kids: they'll do preschool and kindergarten; after that, I'm taking over. Put your kids first. |
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I’m going to be frank. It’s a sad culture that we live in that has pushed women out of the home and made them feel that their best worth is elsewhere, working for another man or in your case, taking care of animals instead of children. You should absolutely have more children. Also, do whatever it takes to show your wife how much you and the kids value her, how she’s the best mom ever, and that things are best when she’s home with you guys. That doesn’t mean she can’t work, can’t have a successful career, etc. but #1 priority should be home. |
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| If you are going to have two kids have them close enough together that they have fun together. My sister is older than me and didn't want to do little kid stuff. She was sort of a baby sitter not a playmate |
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| Aimless has a good point. Our last two are just over 2 years apart, much closer with each other. The first 3 have a 4 year gap each. Different vibe. Not a bad thing, just not quite as tight. |
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I have 6 kids, 5 boys and 1 girl. 12, 10, 7, 5, 3 1mo There are alot of benefits to having a large family. It really makes everyone in the house less selfish which is great for character. Money seems to always be going out more then its going in, but one day they will be all grown and ill save money then. Right now I wouldn't change anything for the world. |
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Siblings are important, and I don't think I really understood how important until we buried our mother in the Fall of '92. We certainly circled the wagons when Dad died in '00, but we really leaned on one another when Mom died. Oh, I had my first at 48 last year. We'll be having another. |
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Originally Posted By fredegar: When you’re on your death bed, will you look back and say “we should have only had the one.” Or “I’m glad we had two.” This. |
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When my ex and I started to want kids we were dirt poor. Just bought a house with a few acres and I was just getting going on my career. Our first was difficult and had some learning disabilities that are and were a challenge. We debated about having another child and three years later she got pregnant. We worried to death about it , but our second daughter was born and she had no issues. However , we both decided to hold off on number three because of finances and difficulties with our first and just never had number three. I wish I could go back and have number three . Two is good , but I think three was what we were suppose to have. |
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So my wife is pregnant with our second and I could not see her getting an education while being pregnant. I don’t know how your wife did for your first born, but mine has been non stop sick for both pregnancies now. There’s no way she would have the ability to focus to complete any type of educational program. Your wife might have a much milder time with her morning sickness. I don’t know how old you two are, but IMO the time to get an education is the time to get an education, and the time to have kids and be a parent is the time to have kids and be a parent. It’s going to be hard for you two to serve two masters. At this point in your lives already having a child if it was me id focus on growing my family and put school on the back burner. |
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go for 3 that way you are assured of having at least 2 of the same sex and are set with hand me downs so "cost of ownership" comes down. no really, we had only 2 because of out age but are so glad we had 2. A single child has no family after you and your wife pass on. my daughter wants 6 or 7, has 2 now and I am coming over to her side of having more rather than less kids(though i'm not sure about 6 or 7...) think of it this way, one kid, and you are putting all your genes in one basket to pass on. I am proud of my genetic strain and want it to continue, and having kids is the closest you can get to immortality |
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This is an example of one of the issues of feminism. Even women who are otherwise conservative, etc have been brought up in a world with conflicting messages about the importance and fulfillment of having a career and also having a family. Trying to "have it all." But it's a lie. Woven can prioritize one or the other at any given time. It's why women make less earnings than men. They prioritize their family responsibilities at the expense of work opportunities more often than men (because motherhood requires different responsibilities than fatherhood). And most women eventually get to the point in their career where they realize it's not as fulfilling as they were promised it would be and they regret having postponed or avoided having kids. And this doesn't even touch the negative impacts such influences have on what should be a healthy marriage. Everyone in the family is typically happier and more satisfied when traditional gender roles are embraced by the parents. Sorry but your wife is prioritizing her career, which overall will offer less lasting satisfaction to her, over her responsibilities as a wife and mother - because she's been lied to her whole life by leftist feminist propaganda. And she'll eventually regret it but it will be too late and both of you will suffer unnecessary pain because of it. |
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Originally Posted By Daggertt: This is an example of one of the issues of feminism. Even women who are otherwise conservative, etc have been brought up in a world with conflicting messages about the importance and fulfillment of having a career and also having a family. Trying to "have it all." But it's a lie. Woven can prioritize one or the other at any given time. It's why women make less earnings than men. They prioritize their family responsibilities at the expense of work opportunities more often than men (because motherhood requires different responsibilities than fatherhood). And most women eventually get to the point in their career where they realize it's not as fulfilling as they were promised it would be and they regret having postponed or avoided having kids. And this doesn't even touch the negative impacts such influences have on what should be a healthy marriage. Everyone in the family is typically happier and more satisfied when traditional gender roles are embraced by the parents. Sorry but your wife is prioritizing her career, which overall will offer less lasting satisfaction to her, over her responsibilities as a wife and mother - because she's been lied to her whole life by leftist feminist propaganda. And she'll eventually regret it but it will be too late and both of you will suffer unnecessary pain because of it. Attached File |
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Originally Posted By fredegar: When you’re on your death bed, will you look back and say “we should have only had the one.” Or “I’m glad we had two.” Lol well said. I've only ever tried to have one, my other two weren't planned but I'm glad to have 3 children even though they drive me nuts often. Life would be empty without them |
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Originally Posted By SteveJobs: I often tell people i want 5. It's not really helping my case with my wife, but kids just seem like the answer to everything. This is the correct instinct. You’re supposed to have kids, & want to have more of them. How many grandchildren do you want? Just a couple, or a whole bunch? Great-grandchildren? It has to start somewhere, with someone. 
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Originally Posted By Grendelsbane: This. I’m also in the camp that believes having siblings is better for kids. As the parent of an only child who is now an adult, I agree with this. I also believe that having two decent parents in a household is far more valuable than having two incomes. |