Posted: 11/12/2025 6:33:55 PM EDT
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I know "Get a lawyer" is the best answer, but looking for some guidance before hand... My stepdad died 3 years ago and left a nice little chunk of money and a paid off house to my mother. Well, not directly, but that's what she got after the probate process. He had no will set up and it was a nightmare. I bought my parent's house from my mom as it was too much for her. We used a lawyer to set up a mortgage contract and I just make my monthly mortgage payment directly to her. The deed was transferred to my name. This past July she was diagnosed with stage 4 brain/lung cancer. She has completed radiation and chemo but the cancer remains. The doctors give her maybe a year. She had surgery to remove part of the cancer from her brain as it was starting to incapacitate her. She severe confusion, lack of motor function, and couldn't formulate a thought or even vocally communicate. That's actually how she wound up getting diagnosed after she blacked out and caused a car crash. The surgery helped with those symptoms but there remains some lingering issues now and then. We went back to the lawyer and got a will and testament, living will, and a durable power of attorney created. I'm the POA and the executor of the will. I'm also a joint holder of her bank accounts and the beneficiary listed on her life insurance and retirement accounts. There's also some leftover retirement money from my stepdad which I'm listed as beneficiary too. The will states I'm to divide all of her estate between myself and brother. The mortgage lien she holds on the house I bought from her will be forgiven at the time of her death. Between the will and me being the beneficiary on all the finance accounts, you'd think "What's the problem?" My mom has recently started seeing a new guy. She's known him for 30 years. She told me she actually had an affair with him at the beginning of her marriage with my stepdad 30 years ago. She said it was a one time thing. That stung a bit, but no big deal. Except he doesn't have a job and lives with his aging mother who is also circling the drain. His mom pays for his expenses and he helps take care of her. My mom swears up and down she isn't giving him any money and that he hasn't asked her for any money. But, since I have access to her finances, I know her income and expenses (hell, I sign her checks and pay her bills because she doesn't want to/can't). I know she should be increasing her bank account every month but yet the balance remains the same, if not slightly decreases. She's spending quite a bit of money per month with nothing to show for it as far as I can tell. Based on comments she's made about being lonely, I think she's been giving him money for attention. No way to prove this and she denies it. She also swears she will never remarry. However, she has fallen head over heels for this guy and I think she can be persuaded by him to get married sooner rather than later. Especially since her mental abilities are starting to diminish again as the cancer progresses. My fear is this guy marries her and then tries to walk away with all her assets when she dies shortly after. There's probably 200k in cash assets and another 3-400k in real estate (her house and the value of the mortgage lien for my house). From what I've found online, if they marry, he can contest the will and be entitled to 1/3-1/2 of her total estate regardless of what the will says. The idea of my mom having the will state my mortgage with her be forgiven when she dies was that was to be my main "inheritance" when she dies. And I would provide her with steady income for the time she is alive or until I pay it off. The thought of this guy walking it and saying "no, pay me the mortgage or get out" really rubs me wrong. Since my stepdad bought the house and left it to my mom who then sold it to me. Now having to pay this guy to keep the house, fuck that. I'll burn it down before that happens. Anyway, other than "Talk to lawyer", got any tips? From my limited understanding, I think I'm good on the joint bank account since I'm already on it and its a transfer-on-death/survivorship account. I'm less certain on the other accounts and life insurance where I'm only listed as the primary beneficiary. And the scary part is what might happen with the house I currently own and pay her for. |
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Originally Posted By 345Hemi: I know "Get a lawyer" is the best answer, but looking for some guidance before hand... But if you're looking for guidance, almost certainly the answer is setting up some sort of irrevocable family trust and transferring all her assets into that trust. If I understood your post correctly, you should already have the legal authority to do that without even consulting mom. Obviously I don't recommend that approach, but I think you could. Your lawyer will tell you for certain. Retain one sooner than later and get it done. Don't delay. |
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I just got off the phone with her and told her some of my concerns I listed above. She is agreeable to talking with a lawyer again to do some actual estate planning stuff and not just the will like we did before. I sold it to her as "Trying to keep as much stuff out of probate as possible to save money." What I didn't tell her is the part about the trusts or that I want to use a different lawyer than the one we used the first time. |
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You may want to explore having your mom declared mentally incompetent so she can't get married, as assets like retirement accounts automatically go to a spouse under federal ERISA law even if the accounts have a defined beneficiary who is someone else. |
Heller II - Challenging DC's bans on semi-automatic rifles, large-capacity ammunition feeding devices, and its onerous and expensive handgun registration process. http://www.HellerFoundation.org/
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I already talked to her doctors about that. They said she isn’t bad enough yet to pursue an incompetency declaration. However, if or when she returns to her previous state like when she was first diagnosed, that will quite easy to accomplish. It’s the period of time between now and that future point in time is what scares us. I called a lawyer last night. He said most of the cash assets and investment accounts are already relatively safe if I’m listed as joint owners on them. He also agreed the biggest concerns would be the lien she holds on my house and the deed she has on her current home. He confirmed a trust can keep any future husband from accessing them. He said a trust can basically be set up to follow the will she has already created, except once the assets are added to the trust, a spouse no longer has claim to them in probate. And that’s the goal. |
