Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 9 of 28)
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot: Originally Posted By ZenJen78: Originally Posted By 15jonshoot: Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving! You do realize this thread is in the WOMEN'S forum, right?  Yes, but it seems to be the (un)official joke thread of all Arfcom. Sorry if it upset you. Maybe I could change the donkey to a rooster?  Sorry, ZJ, but that was funny! |
I have forgotten twice ~ Deej86
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~ Reinforcement Division
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Originally Posted By ZenJen78:
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving! You do realize this thread is in the WOMEN'S forum, right? Yes, but it seems to be the (un)official joke thread of all Arfcom. Sorry if it upset you. Maybe I could change the donkey to a rooster? That would be much better. 
ETA: I wasn't offended, just picking on you. 
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Take me as I am or go away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations.
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Originally Posted By ZenJen78:
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Originally Posted By ZenJen78:
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving! You do realize this thread is in the WOMEN'S forum, right? Yes, but it seems to be the (un)official joke thread of all Arfcom. Sorry if it upset you. Maybe I could change the donkey to a rooster? That would be much better.
ETA: I wasn't offended, just picking on you. Oooooh, never should have let me off the guilt hook young lady, retaliation is so much fun........... 15Jon was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, ZenJen, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing, he nailed the ball and hit ZenJen directly in the right temple, killing her instantly. A few days later 15Jon received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. "15Jon, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?" "Yes sir," 15Jon replied, "that's correct." "Well, 15Jon, I also found a large bruise on ZenJen's right hip. Do you know anything about that?" "Yes sir," 15Jon said, "that would have been my mulligan." 
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Originally Posted By ZenJen78:
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Originally Posted By ZenJen78:
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Just think - if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving! You do realize this thread is in the WOMEN'S forum, right? Yes, but it seems to be the (un)official joke thread of all Arfcom. Sorry if it upset you. Maybe I could change the donkey to a rooster? That would be much better.
ETA: I wasn't offended, just picking on you. Oooooh, never should have let me off the guilt hook young lady, retaliation is so much fun........... 15Jon was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, ZenJen, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing, he nailed the ball and hit ZenJen directly in the right temple, killing her instantly. A few days later 15Jon received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. "15Jon, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?" "Yes sir," 15Jon replied, "that's correct." "Well, 15Jon, I also found a large bruise on ZenJen's right hip. Do you know anything about that?" "Yes sir," 15Jon said, "that would have been my mulligan."
Over my head, I don't know anything about golf.  But, it's nice to be called a young lady...just yesterday I was thinking how old I've gotten when I'm listening to a group of sixteen to twenty somethings prattling on about raves and clubbing when one of the girls says "Some guy slipped something in my drink last weekend. It was a little fucked up to wake up in some strange guy's bed, but he was hot so no biggie." (she looked about 15 or 16) and my first thought was "WTF?? I KNOW I wasn't that stupid when I was their age." The second thought was "I wish those damn kids would just shut up or get off the bus." I had to force myself not to lecture them because I have a 13 year old and can't imagine that in just a few years he could be like that. 
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Take me as I am or go away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations.
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Originally Posted By HeldHostage:
Originally Posted By cat_aclysm:
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. Yes they do heh It is a two way street. 
I drive the speed limit all the time... I have ALL the time in the world. and I am under 25 
Everybody else could to it they just left a few minutes earlier... 
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-Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. ~ One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
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Originally Posted By ZenJen78:
Over my head, I don't know anything about golf. But, it's nice to be called a young lady...just yesterday I was thinking how old I've gotten when I'm listening to a group of sixteen to twenty somethings prattling on about raves and clubbing when one of the girls says "Some guy slipped something in my drink last weekend. It was a little fucked up to wake up in some strange guy's bed, but he was hot so no biggie." (she looked about 15 or 16) and my first thought was "WTF?? I KNOW I wasn't that stupid when I was their age." The second thought was "I wish those damn kids would just shut up or get off the bus." I had to force myself not to lecture them because I have a 13 year old and can't imagine that in just a few years he could be like that. Think of the first tee shot going awry, some golfers take another shot called a mulligan or think of it as a do over. Hopefully your daughter won't be similar to the ones you heard. I've found the majority of kids take after their parents values for the most part. They still make mistakes, but hopefully they don't pay a heavy price for the lesson. |
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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decidedthat she simply couldn't let sucha comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! |
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Subject: Sicilian Stress Test....or just Italian...it works!
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique used traditionally in Sicily . The funny thing is that it really does work. 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5.You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. 6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.. 7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of Nancy Pelosi, the person you are holding underwater. There!! See? It really does work.. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique. |
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My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.- Franklin D. Roosevelt |
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The Old Cowboy..... Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and Blows it all to the dickens... An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' |
I am a right wing, anti-illegal, pro-life, gun owning, straight, white, college educated, politically informed, conservative Christian female. Liberals hate me.
that was great!
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There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing.
"What's the matter?" she asks. "I've just figured out how to tie my shoes." "Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the struggle of autonomy versus doubt. "You're growing up, but why are you crying?" "Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life." |
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Q. Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A. So they won't be mistaken for feminists. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke. "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter. The first one is 'gross.' And the other one is 'cool.' Are there any questions?" After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks... "So, what are they?" –– |
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot: A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me." That is funny stuff. |
I am a right wing, anti-illegal, pro-life, gun owning, straight, white, college educated, politically informed, conservative Christian female. Liberals hate me.
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Mike was attending his
4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife. When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals. "How did you talk your wife into letting you go Mike?" "I didn't have to" was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise' !" When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see - through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want." So here I am! |
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Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
"Sure Wish Somebody Would Invent Something To Keep The Sun Out Of My Eyes." http://i34.tinypic.com/103e8pi.jpg
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-Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. ~ One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
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The president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the
CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning." Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington. The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me. So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?" The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the president saw him immediately. The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?" "Yes, sir." "Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered. So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose. ************************************************************************************************** *While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.* **************************************************************************************************** *As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'* ********************************************************************************************************* *Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'* ************************************************************************************************************** *Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!* ************************************************************************************************************ *On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'* ********************************************************************************************************** *Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'* *********************************************************************************************************** *Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible.. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'* ************************************************************************************************************* * His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.* |
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Why, Why, Why Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? |
Take me as I am or go away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations.
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Do you know this man??
An elderly gentleman and his wife were invited to their friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way the host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The host couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wives were in the kitchen, the old man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife all those loving pet names'.. The host hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky bitch what it is..' |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pujenWy-rM |
Dulce bellum inexpertis.-Erasmus
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President Obama decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Obama sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?' Obama says, ' I'm planning some assassinations.' The guy says, 'Really? Who's getting assassinated?' Obama says, 'Well, I'm going to kill Joe Biden and one blonde with big boobs. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?' Obama turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the Joe Biden'. |
The Blessed Obama said ~ Barak I am, destroyer of the wealth, and I have come to impoverish all Americans. With the exception of you [ the Illuminati ], all employers here on both sides will be slain.
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Random Thoughts on the Difference Between Conservatives and Liberals:
If a conservative doesn't like guns, they don't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, then no one should have one. If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don't eat meat. If a liberal is, they want to ban all meat products for everyone. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good. If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. If a liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect. If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection. If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him. If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down. If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal wants all churches to be silenced. If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that his neighbors pay for his. |
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Lovemaking tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!) 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. 6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 8.. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too. 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news. 10. Don't even think about trying it twice. (I put this in large type so you can read it) |
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I was on my way to visit my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself behind this little rice burner of a car bearing a bumper sticker that read,
"We did it!" - "Obama / Biden". Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!' She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!" She gave me the finger and drove off. Humorless, I guess. |
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MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes ,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.' |
Proud member "Ranstad's Militia"
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Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It is all true! Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 And heading towards 70! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run –– anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 9. You can live 'without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of braincells is finally down to a manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience. Forward this to everyone you can remember right now! ONE MORE THING: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night! |
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A woman applying for a job at a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama." |
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It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone –– "to relax," I told myself –– but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life - and that night she went and spent the night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office all turned around, asking, "What is it exactly that we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But hon, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "I think that's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the glass door, a Thinkers Anonymous poster caught my eye. "Is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I took the final step. I joined the Democratic Party. |
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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. |
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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, most of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it? |
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Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, most of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
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-Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. ~ One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
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Originally Posted By TechGal26:
Why parents drink The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes .' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No ' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy ', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME. ' Just played out for real in Colorado... 
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"He should have killed me. I would have killed me."
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- A Scotsman enjoys a very good meal and leaves a 3 penny tip. The waitress none to pleased said "That's ok sir you don't need to leave a tip. The Scotsman says " no lassy the meal was excellent and you were most attentive and I insist". The waitress says "ok then let me tell you your fortune with these three pennies". He agrees. The waitress tells him this first penny tells me your Scotch, Aye he responds, this second penny tells me your a bachelor, Aye he responds and this third penny tells me your father was a bachelor. ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?" Little boy: "What the fuck do you think? ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity reported his findings to the Fellows of Plastic Surgery concluding with this case study: "Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House "... ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- My Neighbors ... The Lesbians, next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." |
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering,"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?" Little boy: "What the fuck do you think? ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- My Neighbors ... The Lesbians, next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
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Fart if you're lonesome. The oxygen displacement causes a void that can only be filled by people. - TREETOP
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Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people. |
Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 9 of 28)
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