Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 22 of 28)
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This is probably already in here somewhere, but I'm too lazy to sift through all the posts to find out:
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back… Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did…. FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word…he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’ THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘ No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’ .. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me. ‘ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! |
Take me as I am or go away, life is too short to waste trying to live up to others' lame expectations.
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An Irishman see's a job advert published on a building site, 'handy man
wanted apply within'. So he does and speaks to the foreman. Foreman: Can you drive a fork-lift truck? Irish man: No Foreman: can you plaster? Irish man: No Foreman: Can you brick lay? Irish man: No Foreman: If you don't mind me asking, what's handy about you? Irish man: I only live five minutes down the road.... ----------------------------- Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call. Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." |
Didn't you know all guns shoot rainbows?!
Joined:
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TX, USA
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Originally Posted By ZenJen78: OMG, this is the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time! I laughed so hard I cried! Anyhow, here's my contribution, hopefully someone hasn't already posted it in the many pages prior.This is probably already in here somewhere, but I'm too lazy to sift through all the posts to find out: Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back… Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did…. FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word…he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’ THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘ No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’ .. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me. ‘ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! For ten years two statues, one male and one female, stood in the center of a park for ten years. One day an angel came before them bringing them to life. "For doing such a good job and bringing so many people joy for so long in this park God has decided to reward you both with one hour of life, with which you can do anything you wish." The two statues smiled at each other and ran off into the bushes together. For 30 minutes the bushes rustled and there was much giggling, after which the two statues emerged hand in hand with broad smiles on their faces. The angel cleared his throat and said softly, "you know, you still have another 30 minutes if you'd like to go back and finish what you were doing?" At this, the female statue turned to the male statue with a broad smile and said excitedly, "OK, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it's head!" |
Sometimes I get lost in my own little world.....
But that's alright, they know me here.
But that's alright, they know me here.
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A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned To the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'. 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own blanket.' The End. |
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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA , they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes. |
"Christie withdraw Bridge Friendship, for family dishwasher shamed, go donkey ride by pogo stick. Bear Bees." - Seberius 8/29/2012 2:56:58 AM CDT
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Originally Posted By D233:
I'm not sure, but I think it's been posted here earlier.
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA , they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes. |
I hate going to funerals.
"He should have killed me. I would have killed me."
For God and Country: Geronimo! Geronimo! Geronimo!
"He should have killed me. I would have killed me."
For God and Country: Geronimo! Geronimo! Geronimo!
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Cough Syrup.......... The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the Newfie clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Ex-Lax." The pharmacist yells:"You idiot, you can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The Newfie clerk responds.................."Of course you can! " "Look at him, he's afraid to cough". |
We have our quota of childish idiots in the site, so we do not need any more at this time. If any of them leave, we will let you know that we have a vacancy so that you can take their place
EdSr
EdSr
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A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far a** kissing will take you. A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bulls**t and a** kissing that will put you over the top. Heaven won’t take me, and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "that was fucking awesome" People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege. Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it. Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the asshole upside the head. I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. The trouble with real life is that there is no danger music. Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. It's not that I'm antisocial. I just don't like you. I seriously think that a feral chihuahua rolling on the keyboard during a sneezing fit could spell better than you. Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in several countries Not all people are annoying – some are dead I am prepared to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter Someone who is a pessimist before forty-eight knows too much; someone who is an optimist after forty-eight knows too little. 
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Did you hear about the teacher helping a pupil put on his boots? He asked
for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she'd worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked to get the boots back on the correct feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." She'll be eligible for parole in three years. |
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This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?" I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, it depends on what kind of ammo you have." |
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Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?" I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, it depends on what kind of ammo you have." That is actually believeable....... 
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I remember when I lost my mind. But it wasn't because I didn't know enough. I just knew too much....
I'm taking comfort in the fact that Jesus wasn't liked when he was alive either.
I'm taking comfort in the fact that Jesus wasn't liked when he was alive either.
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Newfie raffle A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere." He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."... Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand. He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?" His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'm a doin'?" His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse." |
We have our quota of childish idiots in the site, so we do not need any more at this time. If any of them leave, we will let you know that we have a vacancy so that you can take their place
EdSr
EdSr
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Harold & Roger, two Newfie Engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by asks what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of dis here flagpole says Harold, but we gots no jesus ladder' The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and proudly announced 'twenty one feet, six inches' and walked away. Roger just shakes his head and laughed, ' Lord Tunderin Jasus Harold, aint that just like a woman, we wants the height and she gives us the godamn length'. |
We have our quota of childish idiots in the site, so we do not need any more at this time. If any of them leave, we will let you know that we have a vacancy so that you can take their place
EdSr
EdSr
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Not a joke, but a pretty good story. I wouldn't be surprised if it's already been posted, but oh well--please bear with me:
IT IS WHAT YOU SCATTER
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes... I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn ' t help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. 'Hello Barry , how are you today? ' 'H ' lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya . Jus ' admirin ' them peas. They sure look good ' 'They are good, Barry . How ' s your Ma ? ' 'Fine. Gittin ' stronger alla ' time. ' 'Good. Anything I can help you with? ' 'No, Sir. Jus ' admirin ' them peas. ' 'Would you like to take some home? ' asked Mr. Miller. 'No, Sir. Got nuthin ' to pay for ' em with. ' 'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas? ' 'All I got ' s my prize marble here. ' 'Is that right? Let me see it ' , said Miller. 'Here ' tis. She ' s a dandy. ' 'I can see that. Hmm mmm , only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home? ' the store owner asked. 'Not zackley but almost. ' 'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble ' . Mr. Miller told the boy. 'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller. ' Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, ' There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn ' t like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store. ' I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles. Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could. Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband ' s casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes. Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband ' s bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket. 'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim ' traded ' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt. ' 'We ' ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world, ' she confided, ' but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ... ' With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles. The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. |
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Green nazi gets his.
Link posted instead of giving you a white box. |
Never mess with a woman in that manner. 
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The Pope has resigned, saying that at 85 he doesn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.
A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26-year-old girlfriend. Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?! --------------------- A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion. "What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. "Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." -------------------------- Homesick Snowbird? I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit ." So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!" |
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Of marriage.. A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic Little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married Couple and for being loving to each other for All this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world With my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two Tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her Hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an Opportunity like this will never come again. I'm Sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 Years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, But a wish is a wish.! So the fairy waved her magic wand and Poof!... The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should Remember fairies are female..... |
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A 25 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll try again." |
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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie
last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. ------------------------------ I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. ------------------------------ Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK! ------------------------------- After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!" ---------------------------------- The wife said she'd be ok with a threesome. She asked which of her friends I'd like to sleep with. Apparently I wasn't suppose to give her two names. |
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Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
. Just a thought--you know how when you were a kid you would pull the wings off of flies to torment them? Look around at the location of this thread and don't be shocked or dismayed if you are a fly soon.  Had my wings pulled once or twice, the ladies have a very good sense of humor here, and the ability to rip off the wings with delight. I do try to change gender though when the joke won't lose its flavor. A young woman wanted to get her handsome blond husband something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So she decides to buy him a cell phone. He is all excited, he loves his phone. She shows him and explains to him all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde husband goes shopping. His phone rings and it's his wife. "Hi hun," she says, "how do you like your new phone?" He replies, "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the wife. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" |
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"There are only three kinds of people: Those who are good in math and those who are not."
----------------- Rehab Sign "I saw a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said, 'Keep off the Grass.'" [Received from Good, Clean Funnies] Explanations of Instructions What it says: "Batteries not included" What it means: "Batteries do not come with this product, and you're going to have to buy them yourself. Moreover, it uses unique batteries that you won't find anywhere but a specialty store, where you'll pay twice as much for them." _____________________________ What it says: "Some restrictions apply" What it means: "Somehow, some way, we'll find a way to exclude you." _____________________________ What it says: "May cause drowsiness" What it means: "Expect a sudden bout with narcolepsy while you're driving to work." _____________________________ What it says: "Some assembly required" What it means: "Take the day off and borrow your neighbor's 2,000-piece tool kit. Don't make any other plans for the day." |
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A wife, being the romantic sort,
whose husband was on a business trip, sent him a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, "I am on the commode.Please advise." |
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After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane
regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection -- a baseball bat -- to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?" |
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"Santa's Lap"
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?" -=+=- "Christmas Pageant" Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel." -=+=- "The Nativity Scene" A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus. However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round John Virgin." -=+=- "The Lost Purse" A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward." |
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****************Danger - Punny stuff ahead************************
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. ------------------------ An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." --------------------------------------- A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, I must have taken Leif off my census. ---------------------------------------------------- There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 
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A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.* ' I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others. |
We have our quota of childish idiots in the site, so we do not need any more at this time. If any of them leave, we will let you know that we have a vacancy so that you can take their place
EdSr
EdSr
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Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS. |
This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today ! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection ! What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? Beretta Jetfire: |
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The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband. "No"...said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly. "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband? "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice). She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited). "Well go look in the garage!"...she said. |
We have our quota of childish idiots in the site, so we do not need any more at this time. If any of them leave, we will let you know that we have a vacancy so that you can take their place
EdSr
EdSr
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When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to
the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Kean Elementary: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes |
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?' The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be? 'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.' |
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Critical Thinking At Its Best! Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where’s your Ferrari? |
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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man |
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The doctor explains to the heart patient that he would be able to resume
his sex life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. The patient listens attentively and then says, "What if I only hang with women who live on the ground floor?" ----------------------- One day I was driving with my 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation. I said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that grandpa." I replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole!' afterwards." |
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Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man |
A gun, like any other source of power, is a force for either good or evil, being neither in itself, but dependent upon those who possess it.
Revenge is a dish best served cold!
Revenge is a dish best served cold!
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Results of a Women's Seminar There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart ." Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies: 1. Who is this? 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick? 3. I love you too. 4. What now? Did you crash the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean? 6. What did you do now? 7. ?!? 8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. 11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day. 12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?? |
We have our quota of childish idiots in the site, so we do not need any more at this time. If any of them leave, we will let you know that we have a vacancy so that you can take their place
EdSr
EdSr
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Hehe
Good one, Striker!
This might be a dupe, as it sounds vaguely familiar, but I got it again, so you do too: Birth Control the Irish Way
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways.. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.' |
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Biology Exam: Students in the advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A. |
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Sorry, ladies, but I gotta do this . . .
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
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A couple guys are kicked back on the porch rocking and having a few beverages.
One looks over at the dog "grooming" itself and says to the other "Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy looks over at the dog, then back at his friend and reply's "Better not, he'll bite you." |
When did ignorance become a point of view?
Joined:
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!" |
"Crap! I forgot." - Deej86 Oct 2007
A sufficiently advanced level of technology will appear to be magic, likewise, a sufficiently advanced level of ignorance will appear to be trolling. TRG
A sufficiently advanced level of technology will appear to be magic, likewise, a sufficiently advanced level of ignorance will appear to be trolling. TRG
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, OK - I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn." Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale. |
| A woman comes home one day and tells her husband that she needs $9,000. He asks her what she needs the money for, and she tells them that she wants to get breast implants. The husband calmly takes another sip of his coffee and says, why don't you just rub toilet paper on them every day. The wife asks, how is that going to make them bigger. The husband says, I don't know, but it sure worked on your butt. |