......pressing shit, time to lighten it up some......so here goes,

BIGFOOT, MOUNTAIN LOINS AND UFOs don't exist in OKLA. or anywhere else!

Don't you believe it for a moment!

I have a 4th cousin twice removed which has a beautiful Unicorn if you are interested. Its very tame although it did kick my 4th cousin twice removed-Rufus, in the head recently. Don't worry it didn't hurt the Unicorn's foot. The vet did say that if it had kicked Rufus anywhere else it would have killed him. His wife was really upset and troubled about it because she has a big life insurance policy on Rufus ($5,000.) yep FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS IS WHAT I SAID. She could live high on the hog the rest of her life with that kind of money. Rufus is plenty scared of her too, so am I for that matter.

Anyway, the reason it kicked Rufus was because he tried to feed it Hot & Spicy jellybeans. How dumb can he be everybody who knows anything about Unicorns know they only eat candy corn. The only thing wrong with the Unicorn is that its cross eyed. Did I mention its horn is 9.758 inches long? He is a stud & he isn't afraid of anything. Even the Bigfeets in the area don't mess with him.

My 4th cousin (twice removed) and his drinking budies have seen and talked to several Bigfeet. Rufus don't talk much about it because he thinks people will think he's crazy. Believe me he is not CRAZY but then again he is not right ever since he was abducted by the aliens.

The reason he wants to sell his Unicorn is because his dragon is very insecure and jealous. Rufus says that whenever he comes in from being with the Unicorn his dragon gets upset when he smells Unicorn on his pants. Rufus has had this dragon since he was just a child and will never sell it & loves it more than his 4th wife, Eunice. (who wouldn't, talk about dragon breath-whoa- I've smelled stinkin summer roadkill that almost caused me to gag but it still wasn't as bad as her breath)

So if anyone is interested in buying his Unicorn let me know. If you don't want it soon he has asked me to put it on EBAY for him. Oh and I'd take a picture of him but he hates to get his picture taken, kind of like the bigfooters.

Quoted: .... Did I mention its horn is 9.758 inches long? He is a stud & he isn't afraid of anything. ...

Do you think he could stand up to a massive pork chop?

I like Bigfoot, he stinks, has killer stealth skills and is seen all over the place.

The Noxie Bigfoot was seen by dozens of witnesses, including deputy sheriffs and National Guard. The sightings had enough witnesses in 1977 that the US Fish and Wildlife Service put out this press release.  

Are We Ready for "Bigfoot" or the Loch Ness Monster?  
Department of the Interior, Fish and Wildlife Service news release
December 21, 1977

What if they really did find the Loch Ness monster or the legendary Bigfoot of the Pacific Northwest?

Most scientists doubt that these creatures exist, but thoughts of the discovery of a new species that might be the closest living relative to man, or the possibility of finding a leftover dinosaur, excite the imagination of scientist and nonscientist alike. It also poses another question: Would such a creature be subjected to the same kind of exploitation as the giant movie ape, King Kong?

Scientists generally believe there are still many species of birds and mammals that have not been discovered because they live in remote areas and their populations are limited. After all, the gorilla and giant panda were only legends until the late 19th century when their actual existence was first confirmed by scientists. The komodo dragon, a 10-foot-long lizard, wasn’t known to science until 1912. The coelacanth, a deep-water prehistoric fish, was known only from 65 million-year-old fossils until 1938 when a specimen was caught alive off the Madagascar coast.

Just last year a Navy torpedo recovery vessel dropped a sea anchor into 500 feet of water off Hawaii. But instead of a torpedo, it hauled up a 15-foot representative of a new species of shark. The dead shark, named megamouth after its bathtub-shaped lower jaw, had an enormous, short-snouted head and 484 vestigial teeth.

To be sure, no remains of today’s legendary "monsters" have ever been found. There are no living specimens in zoos or dead ones in museums. Most certainly, many "sightings" of these creatures are exaggerated or misinterpreted reports, and some are downright hoaxes.

But finding a Loch Ness monster or Bigfoot is still a possibility, and the discovery would be one of the most important in modern history. As items of scientific and public interest they would surely command more attention than the moon rocks. Millions of curiosity seekers and thousands of zoologists and anthropologists throughout the world would be eager to "get at" the creatures to examine, protect, capture, or just look at them.

What would the United States Government do?

"I doubt we’ll ever have to do anything, because I don’t believe there are any of the things around to be discovered in the first place," said Keith Schreiner, Associate Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. The Service is the Government agency with responsibility for protecting endangered and threatened species.

"At least, we have the laws and regulations on the books to deal with newly discovered species."

Schreiner acknowledged, however, that a good deal of international cooperation would be needed if extremely rare species were found abroad. And finding one on U.S. soil would pose serious problems too, Service officials agree.

Undisputed proof of a Bigfoot might cause an immediate, short-term problem no law could handle. Word of its discovery would be flashed around the world within hours, Hysteria, fear, or panic might accompany the news in the area where the creature was located. The throngs of curiosity seekers, would-be captors, and others wishing to find Bigfoot would not only create a serious threat to the animal itself, but to public safety as well. Some officials doubt whether any State or Federal action short of calling out the National Guard could keep order in the area within the first few hours or days of the creature’s discovery. This could be essential until a team of scientists could do the necessary things to ensure the creature’s survival.

The key law in preservation of a species is the Endangered Species Act, which pledges the United States to conserve species of plants and animals facing extinction. This broad, complex law protects endangered species from killing, harassment, and other forms of exploitation. The Act prohibits the import and export of, and interstate commerce in, endangered species. American citizens cannot engage in commercial traffic in endangered species between nations, even when the United States is not involved. Scientists wishing to study endangered species are required to have a permit issued by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.

But before a creature can receive protection under the Endangered Species Act, a number of actions normally must occur which involve recommendations from the public, scientists, and State and foreign governments where the species exists.

The first of these would he the species’ formal description and naming in a recognized scientific publication. In addition, if it were a U.S. species, the Governor of the State where it was found would be contacted, as would the officials of foreign governments if it were found outside the United States. Only after much information was collected could the Service make a formal determination as to whether the species should be afforded endangered or threatened status.

For the Loch Ness monster, the first step has already been taken. Last year, a highly respected British journal published a description and proposed the name Nessiteras rhombopteryx, meaning "awesome monster of Loch Ness with a diamond-shaped fin."

"Nessie," as the creature is affectionately known by believers in its existence, has been periodically sighted in Loch Ness, Scotland, over the last 14 centuries. Loch Ness is a 25-mile-long, cold, deep lake whose peat-stained, murky waters make positive identification of almost anything from photographs next to impossible. But the most recent reports, based on sophisticated underwater cameras and electronic gear, identify a 30-foot-long creature with a massive, humped body bearing a small head and long slender neck with an immense set of flippers. Although no presently known aquatic organism answers this description, it would fit any of various species of prehistoric, carnivorous reptiles called plesiosaurs which lived 100 million years ago.

In recent discussion in the British House of Commons, members of Parliament were assured that if "Nessie" were found it could theoretically receive immediate protection since it had already been described and named, If "Nessie" were taken out of Britain illegally, it would be a violation of the U.S. Lacey Act to bring it into the United States.

Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is purported to be an 8-foot, 900-pound humanoid that roams the forest and wilderness areas of the Pacific Northwest. One "eyewitness" described an obviously female Sasquatch as a "tall, long-legged, gorilla-like animal covered with dark hair and endowed with a pendulous pair of breasts." It, too, has been described in publications and given a scientific name. In fact, so many people were stalking Bigfoot with high-powered rifles and cameras that Skamania County, Washington, is prepared to impose a fine of $10,000 and a 5-year jail term on anyone who kills a Bigfoot. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers even lists Bigfoot as one of the native species in its Environmental Atlas for Washington. This year the Florida and Oregon legislatures also considered bills protecting "Bigfoot" type creatures. A Bureau of Indian Affairs policeman has 18-inch plaster cast footprints of the "McLaughlin monster," a Bigfoot-type creature he saw last month in South Dakota.

Under U.S. Law, the Secretary of the Interior is empowered to list as threatened or endangered a species for 120 days on an emergency basis. For endangered species in the United States, the Secretary can also designate habitat that is critical to their survival. No Federal agency could then authorize, fund, or carry out any activities which would adversely modify that habitat.

So long-term Federal protection of Nessie or Bigfoot would basically be a matter of following the same regulatory mechanisms already used in protecting whooping cranes and tigers.

"Under normal situations," Schreiner said, "we must know a great deal about a species before we list it. How big is the population? Does it occur anywhere else? Is the population in danger of decline? Is its habitat secure? Is the species being exploited? What is its reproductive rate? Obviously, if a Bigfoot really were found we could use emergency provisions of the Act to protect it immediately. But for the record, I seriously doubt whether such a creature really does exist."

Along with the hundreds of requests received last year to protect more well-known plants and animals, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service was queried about protection for Bigfoot and the "Lake Champlain sea serpent."

No requests have so far been received for the protection of the reputed foul-smelling Noxie monster, a 7-foot denizen of Oklahoma, or the skunk ape of the Everglades, or the infamous Mothman in West Virginia. But in time, they, too, might come. And when they do, they’ll be treated accordingly.  

Quoted: I killed a snipe when I was a kid.

Oh yeah!, well I kissed a frog this one time when I was drinking by the lake and instead of blosseming into a beutiful princesess, she turned into a horny toad.

You know the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One says ribit, the other says rub it!

Ndenway, before I quit playing defensive tackle for the Dallas Cowboys to play shortstop for the New York Yankees back in the mid 70's, I had a posse of groupies I couldn't hardly get away from. They weren't toads but they sure were horny! I had women hiding in the bed of my truck, in my locker, even hiding on the roof waiting to pounce on me when I walk underneath them.
I developed split vision from those girls - I had to keep one eye up on the roofs and trees (to keep them from jumping on me) and the other eye on the ground to make sure I didn't fall into a trap they dug in front of me!

sherrick, when I was only thirteen, I had the world's record for the largest snipe ever killed with a sling shot. I'm not sure if it is still in Ripley's Believe It or Not, but for a while it was a huge attractions.

During my time at Oxford as a Rhode Scholar, many of the English gentry were continually inviting me to their estates for pheasant hunts, etc. The Prince of Wales bet me his kingdom that I couldn't kill an Irish stag with a sling shot. I guess he was jealous of my world record snipe. Suffice it to say that I could have been the King of England had I not been so lenient in winning that bet.

When I left Oxford, I spent a short stint acting as a personal counselor to the Dalai Llama. He was a nervous wreck from all of his repsonsibilities but I enlightened his soul to the point he could carry on being the spiritual leader for the Tibetan people and Buddhists. He too is a snipe hunter!

Succesful snipe hunters are few and far between. It is a close knit fraternity and a small community. It's a shame so many BSers claim to be snipe hunters but can never show you their trophies!

yeah, yeah, yeah, well this one time at band camp, I was in the middle of a xylaphone solo of wagner's concerto' #5, when along came this chick that offered to join in if she could use my flute, she mighta played outta key a time or two, but she never missed a beat.

Quoted: yeah, yeah, yeah, well this one time at band camp....

I bet you'd love any gal that was that musically talented. Played the boneaphone, priccolo, and skin flute under your tutelage of course!

Rat is about to IM you wanting to know where he can sign up for that band camp....

Quoted: Quoted: yeah, yeah, yeah, well this one time at band camp.... Rat is about to IM you wanting to know where he can sign up for that band camp....

its down by turner falls.

Well I don't want to brag because I'm not a Dr.  Although I did stay at a Holiday Inn the night before this happened.

I was coming back one night after bowhunting for deer without any success. I happened upon an accident in which a car had run into a 8 pt buck which went through the windshield. The deers rack went through the windshield and into her chest. I removed the young woman from the vehicle and she wasn't breathing and was bleeding profusely from the chest wound. I removed her bloody blouse and could see that one of the antlers had gone into her heart.

I did the only thing I could, being miles from nowhere, I began CPR and she started to breath again.. I knew with the blood pumping out her heart that it would be necessary to perform a heart transplant useing the buck's undamaged heart to replace hers. I said a prayer and pulled out my Cricket pocket knife.  Well needless to say it was the most difficult surgery I've ever attempted, except the time I had to remove a treble hook from my daughters eye but I had daylight to help me then, but thats another story..

Anyway to make a long story short, I completed the transplant and used super glue & dental floss, to seal up the pulmanary artery and the aorta & stitching.  I then drove her to the nearest hospital where she was medivacked to Okla. Heart hospital.

She is doing great and I get several calls everyday from cardiologists needing my advice.  I could tell of lots of other things I've done but whats the point? I'm just an average Joe.

i think all of you have brown eyes

Quoted: i think all of you have brown eyes

I have 3 actually.....nevermind.

Quoted: Quoted: i think all of you have brown eyes I have 3 actually.....nevermind.

Thanks for sharing that with ACman!

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: yeah, yeah, yeah, well this one time at band camp.... Rat is about to IM you wanting to know where he can sign up for that band camp.... its down by turner falls.

It that where you changed your mind about going into the ministry when you got your first bl*w job at church camp?

Quoted: i think all of you have brown eyes

Actually my right eye is blue, & my left eye is green & is artifical. It cost $37.00 less than a blue one and I thought it would be better for hunting, matching my camo and all.

I lost my left eye in a fishing accident, thats another reason I don't fish that much anymore.  Whats fun is going into a bar and betting the bartender $50. that I can bite my eye & then pulling it out and biting it. Or I might bet someone that I can keep my left eye open without blinking it or 10 minutes straight.   Don't let my having an artificial green eye keep anyone from having some fun at my expense, eyem all for having fun.

Quoted: Quoted: i think all of you have brown eyes Actually my right eye is blue, & my left eye is green & is artifical. It cost $37.00 less than a blue one and I thought it would be better for hunting, matching my camo and all.

Are you the one that sat down next to the stage at the Red Dog, took his eye out, laid it on the stage, then told the dancer to squat over it so you could get a good look at her heaven's gate?

I've never been there. If I find myself in OKC alone, I might have to take a looksee.  I have heard they need dancers and wish that I could dance, but I have two left feet.  Makes buying shoes expensive.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: yeah, yeah, yeah, well this one time at band camp.... Rat is about to IM you wanting to know where he can sign up for that band camp.... its down by turner falls. It that where you changed your mind about going into the ministry when you got your first bl*w job at church camp?

that was later after I read the bible.

Quoted: Quoted: i think all of you have brown eyes Actually my right eye is blue, & my left eye is green & is artifical. It cost $37.00 less than a blue one and I thought it would be better for hunting, matching my camo and all. I lost my left eye in a fishing accident, thats another reason I don't fish that much anymore.  Whats fun is going into a bar and betting the bartender $50. that I can bite my eye & then pulling it out and biting it. Or I might bet someone that I can keep my left eye open without blinking it or 10 minutes straight.   Don't let my having an artificial green eye keep anyone from having some fun at my expense, eyem all for having fun.

Sucks you lost an eye.....BUT DAMN its good to see (no pun intended) that you're enjoying your glass eye.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: i think all of you have brown eyes Actually my right eye is blue, & my left eye is green & is artifical. It cost $37.00 less than a blue one and I thought it would be better for hunting, matching my camo and all. I lost my left eye in a fishing accident, thats another reason I don't fish that much anymore.  Whats fun is going into a bar and betting the bartender $50. that I can bite my eye & then pulling it out and biting it. Or I might bet someone that I can keep my left eye open without blinking it or 10 minutes straight.   Don't let my having an artificial green eye keep anyone from having some fun at my expense, eyem all for having fun. Sucks you lost an eye.....BUT DAMN its good to see (no pun intended) that you're enjoying your glass eye.

That's just wrong!

Its not a glass eye, its plastic.  It was a lot cheaper than the glass eye.  I've substituted it with several other items for laughs. Fishing bobber, golf ball, rubber superball, ping pong ball, stainless steel ball bearing & even a walnut once.  I used to wear a patch over it but people would try not to stare but it was obvious they were staring.

The only problem I ever had from only having one eye was when I would ride my cycle and get something in my right eye.  Once before I wore eye protection, something went in my eye & I couldn't keep it open enough to see so I crashed. It wasn't that bad of a crash although I did lose my left hand. I lost a lot of blood and almost passed out before I made it to the hospital. They never did find my hand (thats why I said I lost it) but thats another story. Anyway I have a stainless steel hook as my left hand.  

Quoted: Anyway I have a stainless steel hook as my left hand.

And I got a steel shear in my ass if any of you perverts want to play rump ranger!

Quoted: Quoted: Anyway I have a stainless steel hook as my left hand.   And I got a steel shear in my ass if any of you perverts want to play rump ranger!

Tell us how that happened if its not too personal. War injury?

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Anyway I have a stainless steel hook as my left hand.   And I got a steel shear in my ass if any of you perverts want to play rump ranger! Tell us how that happened if its not too personal. War injury?

You're good, 1dreamer! Thanks, you gave me a good belly laugh!