First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or
"the District". Only tourists call it Washington.

Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks
old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudan or
Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just
another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.

All directions start with "The Beltway"...which has no beginning and no
end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified
by an "inner" and  'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to
ANYONE outside the Beltway.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from
1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during
the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in
driving anywhere near PG County. Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from
Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel
in their neck and go into a seizure.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot
at.

If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will
receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light
turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them
English.)

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.

Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant
for toilet paper and milk.

Don't forget that if your destination is only a mile away, it will take
at least 30 minutes to get there due to traffic congestion, the idiot in
the BMW SUV who thinks he has to conduct a conference call to negotiate
world peace while swerving all over the road, the scores of newcomers
who decide to cross the road when there's a mass of cars coming at them
going 80 mph thus causing everyone to slam on their brakes which leads
to...an accident...and the sadistic people who have to stare at the
fender bender.

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn
and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate"
but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider
Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it
has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a
"Spur" section which is even more confusing.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma
Park."

If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition,
tourist.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure
World.

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
Don't ask why, no one knows.

If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't...unless
you're asking directions to the nearest drug dealer or looking to buy
guns.

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks
will cost you $16.75 (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand).

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/295/95 is the most
dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more
comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER
TO BUMPER!!!

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered downright sissy.

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and
collect points as you go.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right
lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving
in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.

The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes
reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All
mini-vans and SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at
whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's
the Skins opening day.

If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June,
July, August, September, and sometimes October.

Always remember this little rule on the Metro: Stand right, walk left.
People WILL knock you down the Metro escalator and shout nasty things
again, in every dialect known to man EXCEPT English -- if you do not
follow this little rule. DC'ers are busy, important people who don't
have time to stand behind the 40 kids in Boy Scout Troop 325 visiting
from Nowhere, Nebraska.
And we'll tell you that too!

A handy-dandy tip when bar-hopping: Unless you're on a first-name basis
with the President, Condi  Rice, certain Senators or Representatives, or
Donald Rumsfield.. you get the idea...no one cares about you or your
life story.

Again, DC'ers are busy, important people who only want to talk to other
busy, important people. We are not friendly folks looking to meet new
like-minded people; we only want to know what you can do for
us...otherwise, get out of the way and stop boring us.

You eventually grow to appreciate the looney people who leave strange
boxes, usually full of refrigerators or fans, near buildings, or the
idiot pilots who can't see the BIG WHITE HOUSE that every 3rd grader in
the nation could identify by sight. You'll appreciate the pilot in a no
fly zone because it means that you'll get a day off due to your place of
work being evacuated.
And it won't count as vacation!!

Quoted: Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.

Don't forget that if 1 (ONE) drop of rain hits the windshield you automatically drop to 15 mph.

Also, if it is snowing with several inches on the ground the minimum speed is 70 mph in your SUV while on the phone and drinking you mocha latte with an expresso shot and whipped cream and typing on your blackberry.

You have 6 communication devices on your belt and have at least two of them in your hand at one time, while the others are going off.

That is awesome.  It is about the most accurate description of this area that I have ever seen, with the exception of the speeds on the Beltway.  They only drive fast when it snows.  They drive slow when they see a bridge.  They can't make up their friggin' minds all other times.

Spot-on!

Born Ft. Belvoir 1958, graduated Annandale HS 1976, buggered to Richmond 1991.

Still come back for regular family visits....still get blown away by it all.

Glad someone got around to making a list.  You should number each of these and then when someone asks "how was your day" you can give them the shorthand reply of "1, 8, 17, 33, and 14".

"The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes
reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All
mini-vans and SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at
whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in."

This is so dead on it is not even funny.

A great list.

Other items to add would be as follows:

The especially important people driving 50mph on the shoulder when all other traffic is stopped.

You can never get past entrance ramps during a back up because everyone flies down the merge lane and gets in about 500 ft. past where the merge lane ends.

Most people who own SUVs believe that their braking capability increase by 50% on ice and 100% on snow/slush.

Finally, the worst nightmare.  Domino's Pizza delivery vehicles with diplomatic plates.  

Quoted: You can never get past entrance ramps during a back up because everyone flies down the merge lane and gets in about 500 ft. past where the merge lane ends.

That doesn't happen if I'm in my Tundra.  I'll get into that lane and find a semi truck and stay even with him until the lane ends, at which point, they always give me lots of room to get back into the lane.  It pisses off those who think they are important enough to make the rest of us wait while they merge in front of us, but it keeps traffic moving.  It doesn't work when I'm driving the MR2 though.  Trucks can't even see me in that thing.

I grew up in (the people's republic of) Montgomery County. That place is total trash now, it's like Tiajuana but with twice as many gangs and three times the crack. I've been trying to get my mom to move outta there for a while now.

btw, all your traffic observations are very accurate, especially the 495/395/95 south merging point in NOVA. Makes my heart race every time! 3 major highways coming from 8 lanes merging into 5 lanes with local exits on either side, everyone going at least 90 mph. Woo!

You should add one to your list about the WW bridge. Something along the lines of 20+ miles of grid lock 24/7 while they take 20 years to build a new bridge.

Quoted: btw, all your traffic observations are very accurate, especially the 495/395/95 south merging point in NOVA. Makes my heart race every time! 3 major highways coming from 8 lanes merging into 5 lanes with local exits on either side, everyone going at least 90 mph. Woo!

Pansy.  

Sooooooo funny but true

Coming back from a Nationals game tonight:

Guy is in the 3rd lane {right hand} of three.  He changes lanes all the way to the left into #1.  Then as the exit comes up within the next 1/8 mile he swerves over and cuts me off as I am exiting.  I brake hard enough that the car behind me flashes it's highbeams at me and honks, which I also return to the f-stick who just cut me off.

Then as he pokie-dokes onto the merge to 495 I signal and go to pass him.  He is screaming "F" you you a-hole over and over, he speeds up to 75-80 and pulls in front of me and slams on his brakes.  Since this is common here, I was already braking when he pulled in my lane.

He almost loses control and spins it.....

As he exits on Rt 1 he is still wildly gesturing and cussing.  The friend with me was laughing his ass off at this stupid clown who did all the wrong things, was the aggressive driver, was getting madder and madder yet all I did was blow my horn to let him know he was about to hit me from lane #1 in a swerve to exit to lanes over.

I guess the list really is true.

He was driving a white 2000'ish Ford F-150 SuperCrew and had just come from a Nationals game.

Thought it was amusing to say the least since he was OBVIOUSLY the one who had created the problem but apparently I was the asshole for telling him he had created a problem.

Oh well.....

I really was wishing for him to spin it out on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge.....is that wrong???  

Quoted: Quoted: btw, all your traffic observations are very accurate, especially the 495/395/95 south merging point in NOVA. Makes my heart race every time! 3 major highways coming from 8 lanes merging into 5 lanes with local exits on either side, everyone going at least 90 mph. Woo! Pansy.

I hate that whole corridor. When I decide to torture myself by going to the east side of DC, I just jump off of 95 onto Rte 1 at some point north of Fredericksburg and merge back on near Huntington to save myself the maddening idiocy of sitting in traffic jams that appear for no apparent reason at all.
I pray for the bumper to bumper at 85mph. It beats bumper to bumper at 10mph any day.

Quoted:  They drive slow when they see a bridge.

This very thing boggles my mind.

.

Quoted: dang shiv, why'd you DRIVE to a nats game??? i catch metro at springfield and just ride the blue line all the way to rfk!

My total time in transit is less by driving.

I am home and on the couch in under 27 minutes from the stadium.

great list!!! how about the ijits who do 55 in the fast lane with the attitude it's their frigging right to jam everyone up behind them? |]

Its called "Nestering" after Dr. Nester.  Quite a famous **** head around here.  Pays tax on both right and left lanes don't ya know.  And anyone going faster than 55 is a criminal!!

So he (and a lot of others) believe.

You have to remember the rules for abandoning your car in the middle of the street in Tysons Corner:  Any snow deeper that 1/8 of an inch!

G

Quoted: You have to remember the rules for abandoning your car in the middle of the street in Tysons Corner:  Any snow deeper that 1/8 of an inch! G

Look it's not their fault the 540i or E500 came with the Z-Rated summer tires...

Oh yeah, we should also mention that traction control should work better on RWD cars in the snow.

I mean how are these self important pricks supposed to get to work if their Bimmers and M-B's don't handle all that snow??

A few other things I can add:

- It is required that you tap your brakes and decrease speed by 5mph whenever you encounter anything that is even slightly different than it was a moment ago.  Bridge ahead?  Tap the brakes.  Slight curve ahead?  Tap the brake.  Going to change lanes? Tap the brake then look over your shoulder, then tap the brake again before signalling and tap the brake again as you start to move.  Last week I was stuck in traffic behind a guy who tapped his brakes every time he picked his nose.

- About going slow in the hammer lane, there was even an article in the paper recently about how soccer moms feel safer over there.  There's nothing like a minivan travelling 10 miles an hour less than the rest of traffic moving across 4 lanes of traffic (cutting off people in each lane) to get into the fast lane then sitting there at the same slow speed.  The funny thing about the people who think they should sit there in order to force all of us criminals to obey the law is that they are also breaking the law.  Yellow signs like the ones on an off ramp are only advisory while white signs must be obeyed.  The signs saying things like "Slower traffic keep right" and "keep right except to pass" are white, which means these hypocrits are at least guilty of "failure to obey a traffic sign".

Quoted: A few other things I can add: - It is required that you tap your brakes and decrease speed by 5mph whenever you encounter anything that is even slightly different than it was a moment ago.  Bridge ahead?  Tap the brakes.  Slight curve ahead?  Tap the brake.  Going to change lanes? Tap the brake then look over your shoulder, then tap the brake again before signalling and tap the brake again as you start to move.  Last week I was stuck in traffic behind a guy who tapped his brakes every time he picked his nose. - About going slow in the hammer lane, there was even an article in the paper recently about how soccer moms feel safer over there.  There's nothing like a minivan travelling 10 miles an hour less than the rest of traffic moving across 4 lanes of traffic (cutting off people in each lane) to get into the fast lane then sitting there at the same slow speed.  The funny thing about the people who think they should sit there in order to force all of us criminals to obey the law is that they are also breaking the law.  Yellow signs like the ones on an off ramp are only advisory while white signs must be obeyed.  The signs saying things like "Slower traffic keep right" and "keep right except to pass" are white, which means these hypocrits are at least guilty of "failure to obey a traffic sign".

Good luck ever getting the State Police to enforce those laws in this area.  All they seem to care about is HOV enforcement, which of course the traffic must always slow by 10-15 MPH to watch, even if they are only going 10-15 MPH to begin with.  Who gives a damn, get the hell up the road!

Quoted: A few other things I can add: - It is required that you tap your brakes and decrease speed by 5mph whenever you encounter anything that is even slightly different than it was a moment ago.  Bridge ahead?  Tap the brakes.  Slight curve ahead?  Tap the brake.  Going to change lanes? Tap the brake then look over your shoulder, then tap the brake again before signalling and tap the brake again as you start to move.  Last week I was stuck in traffic behind a guy who tapped his brakes every time he picked his nose.

The most infuriating instance of this is Columbia Pike past Bailey's Crossroads where the road dips down and up again past that dam.  People don't realize that it's a 45 zone, so they do 30-35 and ride their brakes the whole way down the hill, and then brake on the way up too!

Quoted: The most infuriating instance of this is Columbia Pike past Bailey's Crossroads where the road dips down and up again past that dam.

Man this takes me back......

Mom ran off onto the gravel shoulder there when I was probably about 10 years old, so that's like nearly 40 frickin' years ago now. She was a fine woman but driving certainly wasn't one of her strong points. We nearly landed in the ravine on the downstream side.

Doesn't sound like that stretch has changed much.

Don't forget the soccer mom's who own the 4x4 SUVs, who would look at you in horror if you suggested
getting it dirty by going offroad. Even more amusing when you know that the closest their $30K+ vehicle
will ever get to off-roading is if Muffy accidently backs into the flowerbed.

Or, as experienced winter before last, when we actually had some snow, I come around the corner
in my little Escort commuter-mobile. Expedition on the shoulder, but by no means what I would
consider stuck.
Buffy waves me down, "Can you help me get unstuck?"
Me thinking --> ("Yeah, I'll tow your SUV out with my Escort.....") "Sure, let's see what we can do."

I walk around it, looking, and other than a little icy, can't see anything wrong. "Your 4-wheel isn't
working?"
Her (no shit!): "What's 4-wheel?"

I open the door, show her how to engage it, pull it up on the road.
"Oh, thank you!" Jumps in, FLOORS it, runs up over the curb, narrowly misses a parked car, drives
down the SIDEWALK , then back onto street at the corner and goes on.

Womenzzzzzz......

I'm only here half a year but these are hilarious.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at.

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.

and a HUUUUGE +1 for.....

You eventually grow to appreciate the looney people who leave strange boxes, usually full of refrigerators or fans, near buildings, or the idiot pilots who can't see the BIG WHITE HOUSE that every 3rd grader in the nation could identify by sight. You'll appreciate the pilot in a no fly zone because it means that you'll get a day off due to your place of work being evacuated. And it won't count as vacation!!

and I didn't see it up there, but if the weather forecast in cludes the letters S N O and W , the fairfax national guard is called out and fairfax closes.

Quoted: Quoted: btw, all your traffic observations are very accurate, especially the 495/395/95 south merging point in NOVA. Makes my heart race every time! 3 major highways coming from 8 lanes merging into 5 lanes with local exits on either side, everyone going at least 90 mph. Woo! Pansy.

STFU. every god damned time I come through there I get boxed in by semi's and nearly squished like a sandwhich (sammich' for you western marylanders).

Oh yeah, do any of you guys watch Mind of Mencia? He was making fun of how the MD police are rediculously aggressive about ticketing speeders and was dead on.

Quoted: Oh yeah, do any of you guys watch Mind of Mencia? He was making fun of how the MD police are rediculously aggressive about ticketing speeders and was dead on.

damn when's that on?  I love his stand up but didn't catch when it's on....

90 mph and bumper to bumper sounds like there tring to draft so they can save gas. couse you know that the mom with only one kid has that big ass excursion that gets 5 gal to the mile. but hell im the person they call the cops on caust i drive faster than they do just so i blend in.

See, the problem with NoVa, MD and DC is that no one around here went to driving school.  Or has enough sense to fill a teacup.  If they did go to driving school, they did so in a country where the driving regulations are considerably more lenient than they are in the US.  (It's worthwhile to note that most of the latter group still handle English rather poorly, thus adding another complication entirely.)  In addition, the area suffers from two factors that drain common sense like a hole in the head: 1) Proximity to Washington, D.C.  2) Proximity to (And perhaps outright annexation by) Yankeedom.
Having been born and raised in Western North Carolina (Thanks be to God), this is all a bit much for me.

 It's all soooo true!