> The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
> Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations
> (AO)...
>
> 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
>
> 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
>
> 3. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for
> more snakes.
>
> 4. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of
> snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find
> snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
> manicure.
Hey ! It isn't my FAULT that I scored HIGHER on the AFOQT....sheeesh! BWAHAHAHA!!!!!
>
> 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
>
> 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time
> On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery
> Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
> civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
> considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks,
> mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
>
> 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake,
> ignores all State Department directives and Theater
> Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with
> snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
> to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel
> pay settlement upon return.
demands that AF Mission Commander verify the above....Reponse: Heck No!, Response: "We have barn yard animal photographs, you know....", Response: "OK" ...Hence so many FT. Bragg CIBs......
(BTDT, No T-Shirt)
>
> 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares
> in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field
> Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility
> assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
> understand how to properly conduct doctrinal
> counter-snake ops.
>
> 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for
> naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake.
> Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood
> makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad
> extremist snakes.
>
> 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from
> various types of ships, kills snake and makes
> presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee
> on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means
> of anti-snake force projection.
>
> 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking
> for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all
> US forces from Area of Operations.
>
> 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
>
> 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
>
> 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial
> encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
>
> 15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is
> backordered.)
>
> 16. Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite
> kits two grid squares away on roof of children's
> hospital.
>
> 17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24
> Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief
> paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
>
> 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87
> cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy
> 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement
> weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too
> dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover
> etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar,
> air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
>
> 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake,
> cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared.
> Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power
> lines or SAMs.
>
> 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth
> pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out
> VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake
> into fire.
>
> 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake,
> kills snake and every other living thing within two
> miles of target.
>
> 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to
> snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization
> from National Command Authority to use weapons.
>
> 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only
> four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently
> active. We assess the potential for snake activity as
> LOW.
>
> 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG)(Lawyers): Snake declines
> to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.