This started as a smart ass GD thread earlier this morning and ended up as my first EOTWAWKI short story. I hope you enjoy it.

Kung Flu Boogaloo My Story of the Great TP Apocalypse of 2020

03/18/2020 08:00 CDT
Until today we had not participated in the great TP rush of the past couple weeks and were in need of a resupply run to town. I found myself in a bit of a conundrum. Should I go solo or take my 14 year old daughter for backup and overwatch? I would be wearing a G27 in shoulder holster and a G22 IWB.

Should I let her go into the store with me unarmed or leave her to guard the Apocalypse outfitted Land Cruiser? She obviously doesn't have a carry permit, but I could quickly hand her one of my pistols and a couple extra mags. If she stays with the truck, she could wear my plate carrier with level IV plates and have the AR for armament.

03/18/2020 09:15 CDT
Decision made. We will leave one German Shepherd to guard the house and take the other to guard the truck if we both go in. Kitted up and about to head out. Will update with AAR upon return.

03/18/2020 17:45 CDT
It is total Mad Max chaos out there. Our first stop was Home Depot to pick up a new floor lamp since the dogs decided to destroy the one by my recliner a couple of days ago. The cleaning products aisle is right next to lighting and I had seen a post on Arfcom where someone said HD carried TP, so we checked. Other than one old guy wandering the aisle looking lost, there was no one else to be seen. That was because the racks were completely empty of TP and paper towels. Even the blue shop towels were gone. The poor old guy grabbed the last bundle of red cloth shop towels and started toward the register like a fullback on third and goal from the one yard line.

Our next stop was Aldi. When we got there, an unruly crowd was gathered out front. We parked at the far side of the lot away from the crowd. I told Zeus to guard the truck and we headed towards the door. The crowd had been stopped in their tracks because no one had a quarter to get a shopping cart. We managed to make our way through and I discretely slipped two bits from my pocket and handed it to my daughter to get a cart as I bladed at 45. Swift foot work got us through the door before the horde realized what had happened.

It looked like a bomb had gone off in there. There was no bread except for one package of whole grain hotdog buns that had been torn open and trampled on the floor. Absolutely no paper products of any kind. Meat section was empty but for a couple of packages of sickly looking organic grass fed beef. Dairy section was devastated. Nothing but almond milk and cottage cheese left. Disgusting. We did manage to find a few stray cans of vegetables that had been missed, some oats, and one lone bag of tortilla chips that had miraculously not been smashed to crumbs.

As we were ready to leave, I gave her key and waited until she had the truck unlocked and the engine started before I ran the gauntlet. I took off like my tail was on fire and my butt was catching, bowling the soy boys and Karens out of the way like Pumbaa running through a pack of hyenas. When I neared the truck, I threw the groceries in the open door and followed them as I let the cart continue at an angle across the lot. So much for my uncrushed tortilla chips. Luckily the horde chased the cart and we were able to leave without any serious casualties.

We started toward Wally World and Sam's Club, but once we were close enough to see the columns of smoke rising in the sky, I decided that would be a waste of time and put us at unnecessary risk.

Now I was starting to feel a bit of anxiety about the TP shortage. I was not looking forward to using corn cobs. I almost broke down crying when I remembered I had thrown out a huge trash bag of old t-shirts and mis-matched socks a few weeks ago. As we headed back towards home, my desperation got the better of me. I made a decision I hoped I would not regret. I was going to stop at Dollar General.

As we approached the D&G, I could see it was busy. Pulling in, I saw a rather large crowd and noticed someone loading a pack of TP into their car. It looked like this was going to pay off. I left Anna in the truck with Zeus and headed in solo.

The TP is on the very back wall of the store. There was one 24 pack of Angel Soft left on the very top shelf and a little blue haired old lady longingly looking up at it. Sweet success! When I turned towards the front of the store with my prize, that nice little old lady started cussing me in a way that would make a drill instructor blush.

Standing in the checkout line, I was starting to get nervous. The little old lady had followed me and was still cussing a blue streak. Others that had come in after me were giving me the stinkeye. As the clerk handed me my change, she whispered "Be careful. I'll try to slow them down."

A few steps out the door I heard someone shout "He's got the last one!" I turned to see a bunch of people trying to fit out the door at once and the folks from the parking lot started my way. Oh, crap!

I took off running across the parking lot yelling for Anna to start the truck. When I got there, the doors were still locked! I started screaming like a little girl for her to open the door and barely made it in and got the door locked before someone grabbed me. By then the crowd had arrived and was beating on the windows and rocking the truck. Zeus was going nuts. I was so scared and hopped up on adrenaline I couldn't get it in gear.

They started piling shopping carts behind the truck so I couldn't back out of the parking space. "We're blocked in," I cried. My daughter looked at me like I was and idiot and said "Just jump the curb and cross the ditch."

That ditch was a lot deeper than I thought, but the old fj80 took it in stride. I was afraid the angle of approach was too steep and the front winch bumper would dig into the opposite bank. Maybe the land whale that disappeared in front of the hood as we started down the bank gave us just enough clearance to make it across. The ground was soft from all the rain, but those 35" mud tires paid for themselves right then and there.

Once we got on the road and headed towards home, I breathed a sigh of relief. I went to light a cigarette and when I reached into my pocket for my lighter I noticed I had peed myself just a little. Well, maybe a lot.

A couple of miles down the road I noticed an Escalade coming up behind us fast. I didn't think much about it until it hit my rear bumper. What the crap? A look in the mirror and I saw the passenger holding a Yeet cannon sideways just before a flash blossomed from the muzzle and the rear glass shattered. Holy crap! I never expected to die over toilet paper.

"Go, Dad, go!" Anna yelled as she climbed into the back seat. Now there was another gun sticking out the rear window on the drivers side of the Escalade. I tried to press the accelerator through the floorboard. An fj80 Land Cruiser is nearly the perfect Apocalyptic bug out vehicle. It is big. It is four wheel drive. It is tough. It is utterly dependable. But the one thing it is not, is quick. The old 3fe was straining her guts out, but we were not gaining any ground. "We're going to die" was all I could think.

What my daughter did next had me wondering whether to be proud of her or scared of her. Maybe both?

Have you ever been in a vehicle when an AR was fired? Holy crap, that was loud! I nearly ran off the road when she fired the first round. Zeus, who had been in the back seat snapping, snarling, barking, and growling was suddenly cowering in the front passenger floorboard. "You've got to hold steady for a second" Anna yelled as she smacked me in the back of the head. Two more rounds and our pursuers fell behind with a steaming radiator and both front tires flattened.

"You saved us," I told Anna. "Just shut up and drive," she said with a disgusted look. When we got home, I was shaking like a leaf and thinking I may never leave the house again. Anna grabbed her pack, slung the AR and said "I will be up by the barn keeping a lookout. Get cleaned up and change your pants. Unload the truck and pull it in the barn before it rains in the busted back window. Bring me my NODS and a Red Bull and make me a sandwich!"

Cliff notes
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Just kidding, read it all. I lol'd

That was pretty good.  Bravo

Moar! That was great!

That reads like a Tim Dorsey novel.

Hah! Nice one.

Eagerly awaiting Chapter 2: The Start of the Soccer Mom Harem

space

Thank you for leaving me the almond milk and cottage cheese.