OK, I'll start (Striker, pay attention):
[url]http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,40528,00.html[/url]


[b]Inmate Breaks Back Into Jail After Beer Run[/b]

"MONTPELIER, Vt.  — Mark Delude might have been taking to heart the hit country music song by Garth Brooks and George Jones about buying beer at the end of a long work day.


But the song about heading out on a B-double-E double-R-U-N that's climbing the charts isn't intended for prison inmates. And it certainly isn't intended to encourage people to break out of jail to grab a brew, even if they're planning on coming back.

Delude, 39, of South Barre, was reported missing on Friday night from the St. Johnsbury work camp where he was serving an eight to 30-month sentence for a variety of minor offenses, said Vermont State Police Lt. George Hacking.

When state troopers arrived at the minimum security prison, only a few hundred yards from the St. Johnsbury state police barracks, they found Delude with a 24-pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes back inside the fence, said Correctional Service Director Dick Turner.

Hacking, a 21-year state police veteran, said it was the first case of its kind he'd ever investigated.

"I don't remember trying to catch people trying to break back in," Hacking said. "But nothing surprises me.

[b]....The beer run could get him two more years behind bars.[/b]"

[whacko]

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?"

Top honors for "Human Projectile Of The Month" go to an as-yet unidentified dude who, we're told, is also a serious contender for the annual Darwin Award. That prestigious prize is given- posthumously- to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion. Well, the Darwin folks might see it that way, but we consider it a gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research.

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got onto this historic event after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway. The more officers found, the stranger the case got, until they pulled back, regrouped, and launched a full-scale investigation.

Here's what they kinda "pieced" together: JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off," typically lifting big transports into the air from rough-ground, short runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.

They were not, repeat not, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But we guess- let's call him "Zippy"- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.

Ol' Zip apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight-as-string highway in good repair. Not guessing he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the strip, a gentle rise on a sloping turn.

Anyways, the Zipster kicked the tire, lit the fire, and ran his Chevy up to top cruising speed. And then he hit ignition!

Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt. The pocket-calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within five seconds, punching that Chevy up to "well in excess of 350 mph" and continuing at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds.

Early in that little sprint, at roughly the 2.5 mile mark, the Human Hydra-Shok stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four 'skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.

Remember that gentle rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land-speed record attempt and went for aerial honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far and how high The Big Zip might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in the way, posing a serious violation of the laws of physics vis a vis two chunks of matter attempting to occupy the same space at the same time. Zip gave it hell though, blasting a three-foot deep crater in the terra-very-firma.

The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make, model, and year. As for Zip, only trace evidence was found of bone, teeth and hair in the crater, and splinters of fingernail embedded in what is believed to be a piece of steering wheel. If there ain't room for this one in the Guinness Book of World Records, there damn sure ought to be an honorable mention in Weatherby's.

Terminally Stupid

First mistake: Selection of the H & J Leather & Firearms Shop in Renton, Wash., as a robbery target. Second mistake: Failing to note that the car parked immediately adjacent to the front door was a marked King County Police cruiser. Third mistake: Lack of recognition of the big, uniformed, well-armed deputy standing at the counter having a cup of coffee with his equally well-heeled CCW pals before going on shift.
Fourth and final mistake: Announcing a hold-up in a harsh and demanding tone, then waving a pistol and firing a couple of wild shots.

One can only imagine the sound made by a half-dozen guys all slapping leather at once, perhaps like a flock of geese, startled, beating their wings to get a purchase on some air.

Everybody in the place drew, but the officer and an H & J clerk got off the first, second, third and well, a veritable fusillade of shots - all on target. The suspect had no previous record of violent crime, and won't have one.

[pistol] [pistol] [pistol] [pistol] [pistol]

Today the Glendale police officer accused of child pornography trafficing was arraigned. In front of the noon Phoenix TV cameras we heard the prosecuting attorney say " Its not some 14 year old girl baring her breasts,your Honor, its an adult having sex with a 9 month old baby!" The evidence gathered was stored on the hard drive of the perp's computer. The Judge refused to reduce the bond of $100,000 despite the former officers complaints that he is forced to be incarcerated with persons that feel offended because, in the words of his defense attorney "he helped to put them there".

Locked until we decide to do with the last post by grimshaw.

Grimshaw,

I do respect your right to the truth. But, your post was.....lets just say "inflamitory".

There are all kinds of awful things that people (like police and the military also) do. Pointing out a weakness is one thing.
Child molestation hits a little too hard. Please edit your post. Yeah, I know, not talking about it won't make it go away. But, this is not the place to air this piece of dirty laundry.

Lew

Wow! I thought something completely different! The Glendale Police Department was cleansed; a healthy thing, the Judge showed no favoritism; a healthy thing, the media reported it truthfully; a healthy thing. Any sense of loyalty to this guy is something you'll have to examine within yourselves, the same as anyone who feels any loyalty to the guy who tried to rob a store in the previous post.You are the Moderators and Staff, edit the post if you feel it puts YOU in a bad light. I felt the story brings greater respect to the Police Officers that policed themselves rather than hid this mans crimes in an effort to "keep a clean image". I submit to your judgement.

grimshaw,
This thread was intended to be humorous, and it's pretty obvious you were not trying to be with your original post.  I believe you were intending to "stir the pot".

[b]Las Vegas:[/b] Don Astorga was convicted of violating the Endangered Species Act this month after he was caught smuggling lizards into the country by carrying them in his underwear. According to authorities, he was arrested at Las Vegas airport in June when police noticed unusual moving bulges around his groin. The bulges turned out to be created by lizards stuffed into tube socks.

grimshaw,

Your post in a topic that was supposed to be full of humorous anecdotes was out of place.  In front of this group, for the most part, it went over like a loud, wet fart in church.  

It does have potential value as it's own topic for discussion.  I have a suggestion.  Start a new topic in the Brothers of the Shield Forum entitled something like, "What do officers think about this...?"  Cut and paste your original post and follow it with something like, "I feel that the Glendale Police Dept was cleansed..."  Then end it with, "How do officers feel about something like this and how does it affect your job?"  I think your post will get some relpies that will surprise you.

Thanks Dave. I really didn't mean to upset any Cops. I apologize. The subject matter was thoroughly repulsive to me also, as a man, a Christian and as a father. Perhaps I have a darker sense of humor than most, but it seemed ironic that the man was so afraid for his own safety considering his regard for the persons in his photos.

grimshaw,
Do what Dave_g said.....post it so we can respond to it.  ok?

Hey Shooter505 - Here's something to think about.  How dumb could "zippy" be to attach a JATO rocket to a Chevy Impala. The basic physics involved suggest that the rocket, with a thrust of, I don't know...A WHOLE LOT, would have trashed the Impala and went merrily on it's way.  You don't attach a JATO rocket with string and bailing wire.  This guy had to have some engineering background, or experience with structural assembly(maybe just a really good welder) to keep the two together. [;D]

Hey Rabbit9- I don't know if this story is true or not. I copied it out of a police publication I read. It makes for some good humor and that is what I posted it for. Not to be a dick-head like Grimshaw. I have to agree with you, if this is true the world has not lost much if this guy is a civil engineer-I would not want to ride in anything he designed. On the other hand if this guy was a welder the world has lost one hell of a welder. Unfortunately he lacked a little engineering talent.

              [:\]  [:\]

Killer Breasts

- Recently, four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, decided to flash her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver Vegas did see it (them), and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.

Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, Corcoran bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

 

Oops, Wrong Victim

Reginald Jordan of New Brunswick, New Jersey, was charged with committing a murder in the course of a robbery, but it wasn't the murder of his intended victim. The 23-year-old would-be stickup man and two accomplices had mugged a young man for $150 and a gold chain when Jordan apparently decided to kill him anyway. The victim waited until the last split second, then ducked when Jordan fired. The shot hit one of Jordan’s cronies in the head, killing him. The other gangster fled, perhaps worried he might be next. Jordan may have problems recruiting new gang members in the future

Disney Technique

In San Diego's community of Normal Heights, frequently referred to as "Abnormal Heights" by residents, a stick-up man employed the "Disney Technique" of robbery. The suspect walked into a Pay Less drug store with a leashed Doberman and threatened the clerk with "imminent bite." While Fido growled and drooled, the suspect filled a bag with cameras and other goods, then fled with his accomplice in a Chevrolet Monte Carlo. Witnesses couldn't say for sure if the Doberman was a Standard Sporting Canine or the dreaded "Assault Dobie," capable of rapid, multiple bites. Neither Senator Feinstein nor Senator Boxer were available to comment on whether or not this would lead to prohibitions against dogs with more than 10 teeth, or registration of dogs which are black, have military-style collars, and come equipped with a protruding "grip" like the Doberman's menacing-looking bobbed tail.
Certainly such animals have no legitimate sporting purpose, and enjoy no constitutional protection. Regardless of the fallout from this incident, it is expected to simply fuel the already raging debate over concealable Schnauzers, said to be the "critter of choice" of terrorists and drug dealers.

On complaint from the Logan (Utah) Light and Power Co., Clarence Stucki, 91, was charged in March with having stolen about $82,000 worth of electricity over the years, but the company said the overall amount will never be known because Stucki might have been tapping into lines illegally since during World War II. The tap came to the company's attention only recently when Stucki called the company to complain during a power blackout. [Associated Press, 3-6-01]

I believe this $h!T is REAL, I have heard it from too many sources.  I just thought it was funny until I saw a cargo plane use the JATO's @ a local airshow...then I thought it was REAL FUNNY!!!! [:D]

I had a guy try to knock off a stob and rob when I was evacuating some liquid. He said he didn't even see the marked police car in the parking lot.......

When I worked vice several years ago we were doing a sweep at an inters4ection known for crack deals. We were wearing duty rigs badges on chains and marked T-shirts. After making a couple of arrests I was standing around talking to a couple of the guys in the unit and a car pulls up and tries to buy some rock off of us. He made the trip. This happened regularly; when we'd raid a crack house we would move all the marked vehicles up the street a ways. It never failed someone would come to the door trying to buy dope. The look on their faces was enough to make you piss your pants as we snatched them off their feet and pulled them into the house finding themselves in a room full of cops.

[img]http://0whome0.homestead.com/files/breathtestbeater.jpeg[/img]

Douchebag in a box Chevy stops in the fire lane of a local supermarket, jumps out, leaving his window open, runs up to an elderly W/F, pushes her to the ground while grabbing her purse, turns and runs back to his car and leaves the scene.

I arrive moments later and am met by a witness who hands me a wallet.  She says, "I saw what he was doing so I reached in his car window and took his wallet."

Sure enough, all of his ID is in the wallet.  We get a dispatcher to call him and report that someone found his wallet and turned it in at the PD.  Would he like to come and retrieve it?  Can you believe that this idiot actually comes back into town and shows up at the PD to get his wallet!  Watch your head, sir.

The JATO thing is an urban legend. Sorry.

I got 1.......

Last week I heard a foot chase happening a few miles from where I was, another police agency involved, so I headed that way. After they chase the guy 4-5 blocks I was able to get in front of the pursuit. I got in position, with my vehicle, and when the runner got about 40' from me I lit up every light available, I also got on the PA and told him to stop. He didn't he went around my car on the driver's side. He lost his footin on the snow and fell, of course he bounced up and tried to continue running. Only thing was he was running bent at the waist still trying to get fully balanced when he ran head first into a chain link fence/fence post. He bounce off the fence and took 2-3 steps before the orignal pursuing officer caught up to him and put an awesome open field tackle on him............

Patrol Car [red]$48,000 [/red]
Chain link fence post [red]$20.00[/red]
Cleanin up a snow soaked uniform [red]$5.00[/red]
Watching a BG run head first into a chain link fence and be captured   [blue]Priceless[/blue]

Special "Sharpest Tool In The Shed" Award

The legal term non compos mentis, in layman's terms, means the suspect in a crime was too brain-dead at the time to be real-world guilty of the crime. The cop-locker-room term compos mentis Alpo means the crook's brains resemble - - - - and have about the same reasoning ability - - - - of a cup and a half of the well-known dog food. Such is the case with the not-so-famous San Fran Stikkup Man.
Our hero entered a downtown San Francisco Bank of America and scratched out the following on a deposit slip: "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While waiting his turn in line, Alpo became concerned that maybe somebody saw him write the stikkup note and might rat him out before it was his turn at the counter, so he left and went across the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

The teller at Wells Fargo dutifully read the demand note, guessed that maybe our boy wasn't in line for a Rhodes Scholarship, and told him she couldn't accept his note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, advising him he would either have to re-write it on a Wells Fargo deposit slip, or go back to Bank of America. Reportedly looking a bit dejected, Alpo left.

The teller, being pretty sharp herself, buzzed the Bay City cops and suggested they check for an idiot with a badly-spelled stikkup note in the line at Bank of America. They did, he was, they got him.

30 Biker Alert

Frail and unarmed, 75-year-old Mary Cardoza thought all was lost when a strong, young mugger grabbed her from behind on an Oakland street, wrestled her wallet from her hands, and sprinted away.
Bruised and scared, Mary thought she should at least peek around the corner and see which way the hoodlum was running. She was glad she did. The mugger had sped around the corner and almost literally ran into 30 members of the Iron Souls motorcycle club, who had just finished a meeting at a barbecue restaurant. Mary alerted the bikers and asked for their assistance. No doubt seeing their chance to do a good deed and thump some dirtbag like a tub of butter, they fired up their hogs and screamed off in pursuit.

A short distance away, suspect Stanley Riley experienced something few have known and lived to tell about: being brought to the ground by two dozen-plus irritated bikers.

Okay, so maybe they dribbled his head a little on the pavement before the cops arrived, but hey, basketball is real popular with these guys. Riley was reportedly very thankful to be taken into police custody.

Quotes from Marion Barry - Mayor of Washington DC


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man's stupidity is outdone only by those who elected him BACK into office - even after his conviction. The proof lies below.




"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist. "

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

lol, dumb crook was cold cocked. ;)
-Story mode on-
Later at the jail, when the crooks tell how they got caught
DC : i was cold cocked by a 4 foot dildo.
Fellow crooks line up.. [sex]
-Story mode off-

The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to
the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier
Than Mr. Hawkins)to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of
the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing
through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his
arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the
tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket
knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a
holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his
thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
threw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck
And slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck
into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing
on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup
with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from
massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it
half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

Y'all need to warn people when you're going to be posting this stuff. I was damn near pissing myself laughing at work. Sheesh!
*wiping tears away*

It may be, but it is one of the better ones.[:)]

A California man  died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth
Hospital. The accident occurred about 3a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
slide down the ski slope, and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

[url]http://www.thebigshow.com/BITPAGES/bsoldumbcrooks.html[/url] Dumb Crook archives:  some of you guys may know these 2 jokers ;)

[url]http://www.thebigshow.com/BITPAGES/BSOLHTBT.HTM
[/url]  more dumbcrook stuff there

Not only urban legend, but truly ancient urban legend.  I think I first heard it in the middle seventies.

The Navy's Blue Angel demo squadron have a C130 called Fat Albert that has JATO.  Saw them use it once.  It was sorta neat, but not all that impressive.

About four years ago, Mensa-candidate Timothy French robbed a bank in Fargo, ND.  It might have been harder to find him if he hadn't written the hold-up note on the back of one of his pay stubs, which conveniently had his Social Security number and his address printed on it.  [:D]

My all time favorite was a guy not even involved until the last minute.  We had pulled over a guy for a drive by,  (missed again darn it) and had the suspects personal posessions laid on the hood of the car.  (Money, a truly awesome sized bag of rocks, and misc pocket trash.)  When a skinny dude comes dashing into the crime scene, leaps the suspect (hadcuffed and sitting on the ground) snatches the bag of crack, and heads for the hills at warp speed. As we (7 officers) watch, he looks over his shoulder for signs of pursuit, and impacts the side of a Coca Cola truck passing thru the intersection.  Rear duals then crush his legs. Radio traffic from one officer goes:  (Callsign) Foot pursuit! black male! south on,, Oh my,,, Shit!!! I need EMS!  (High warbling scream in background) My second favorite was another driveby genius that somehow managed to shoot himself in the stomach with an SKS. Apparently he had the rifle on the passenger side and he grabbed it by the barrel, tangling the trigger in a set of jumper cables.    

Last Sunday afternoon I was at my office doing paperwork when I received a call from dispatch about a guy who hit a fence on the Interstate and wanted to do a report.  He was on his way to my office to do the report.  I met him out in front of my office and asked him to pull around to the back where I would look at his vehicle and do the report.  He explained to me that he was going down the interstate and there was a piece of a chain link fence in the road and he hit it and it scratched up his hood.  
I explained to him that it would be considered a road hazard because it was in the middle of the road and that we don't do reports on damage from road hazards.  He insisted that I do a report for him so he could show his boss what happened to the truck.  Again I told him that we don't do reports.  He again insisted that I do a report.
At this time I then smelled alcohol coming from him and asked him if he had been drinking. He told me that he had been drinking the night before and had quite a bit, but had not drank since about 4:30 or 5:00 this morning, which was only 6 hours from when he wanted the report.  
I conducted field sobriety tests on the guy and he was horrible. I arrested him for DUI and took him to jail.  He yelled at me the whole way to the jail for arresting him when he was just trying to file a report.  I told him he should have been smarter and taken off when I first told him that we don't do reports on road hazards.
Never ceases to amaze me how smart some people are.

Broken Nose And A Salami
Miami
Natron Fubble tried to rob a Miami deli, but the owner broke Fubble's nose by hitting him with a giant salami. Fubble fled and hid in the trunk of a parked care. The car, however, belonged to an undercover police team that was trailing another criminal. After five days, the officers heard Fubble whimpering in the trunk and arrested him.

Meant The Post Office
Unknown
A man burst through the doors of a building and yelled, "This is a hold up." Though he had meant to rob the post office next door, the man had burst into his local police station.



[url]http://www.dumbcriminalacts.com/robberies3.shtml[/url]
talk about delivering yourself to the police!