"Man, I work errr'ry day"

"You ain't got no 'probal' cause to check me!"

"I got this money from my baby momma"  

"I do landscaping...they pay cash"

"You ain't nothin but a ni**a with a badge"

"I got this car from my friend.....uhmmm....I don't know his name but they call him D "

"I bet you took this job cause you got your ass kicked in high school"

"What kinda pistol dat is, a nine?"

"School ain't for everybody"

And my all time favorite: "I didn't know that was in my pocket. These my cousin's pants"

"These aren't my pants!"

"You put that in there!"

"I have a driver's license, but it's at home."

"I was just holding this for my cousin, so he didn't get busted."

Quoted: [sergeant] "NorCal, can you stop by my office when you clear" [/sergeant]

These arent my pants.  


Nationwide excuse right there.

"No sir I will not show you my tits in exchange for you not writing me a ticket!"




Hey just kidding fellas!

"I didn't know I was on probation"

I aint got no warrants

If I hear one more person tell me I'm "illegally searching thier shit" when I'm looking in the engine compartment on thier boat for stuff I have to look for, I'm going to scream.

Quoted: "These aren't my pants!"

Years ago, I responded to assist local PD with a suspect who was complaining of chest pain (they do that quite often)
He had been chased out of the mall by a security guard after stealing 4 pairs of blue jeans (by putting them all ON!)

Of course, he was denying it... When one of the officers asked why, then, was he wearing 5 pairs of pants (4 stolen, under 1 his) he replied "Cuz I fraid -o- bein bit by rattlesnakes!"

Quoted: "These aren't my pants!""

Im sorry I will never get tired of hearing that or seeing dumbass get on the stand and say it in front of a Judge and jury

Quoted: And my all time favorite: "I didn't know that was in my pocket. These my cousin's pants"

I had shit thrown out in court because some ass hat said these weren't his pants and he didn't know that shit was in there.

WhyTF are judges and juries so stupid?




I had a lady on scene today trying to call people for a girl who I was investigating bc she was crying.  The girls had drugs written all over her, her bf was a major dealer and this asshat lilly lady was trying to call my suspect's friends for her bc she was crying.  I got another officer on scene to continue detaining my suspect, walked over to this nice lady, introduced myself and asked her what she did for work.

"I'm an insurance sales rep!"

"okay, I am a cop and I don't know how to do your job.  Have I come to your work and told you how to handle your business."

"Um, no..."

"Okay, well you are not a cop, do not tell me how to handle my business, you don't know how to do my job.  Stop calling people and phone numbers my suspect is shouting out.  Go back in your home and I will contact u if you want to speak more after I am threw with my investigation."

(Scene was a mess when I pulled up.  Bunch of joe citizens on the up and up all witnessing Suzy Scumbag and Billy Badass getting into it over a car in their gated community.  Everyone wanted to help.  4 people calling 911 for us.  

Felt bad explaining it to her like that, but come on, have some sense and look at these people we are talking about.  We are both looking at the same person, why is it so hard to see this suspect is a suspect and not a subject.  


My friend hears Uncle Tom all the time.  Me being white, I just get storm trooper and pecker head.

Seems like it is the same everywhere.  I like when you get out with a guy and there is no one else around but you and him and you tell him to come here and he replies "Who me"?  

I love how while having a "conversation" during a field interview every sentence or statement is followed by the phrase "you know what I'm sayin'?"

Quoted: Quoted: "These aren't my pants!" Years ago, I responded to assist local PD with a suspect who was complaining of chest pain (they do that quite often) He had been chased out of the mall by a security guard after stealing 4 pairs of blue jeans (by putting them all ON!) Of course, he was denying it... When one of the officers asked why, then, was he wearing 5 pairs of pants (4 stolen, under 1 his) he replied "Cuz I fraid -o- bein bit by rattlesnakes!"

Incarceration-induced tachycardia



Got out with one tonight, my partner stopped a truck for driving with no headlights on (night time, 1am). Driver comes back wanted. I get out with the passenger, strong odor of alc bev in the truck (driver's been out for about 5 minutes). Ask him for his ID, etc. Mention he must have tied one on tonight, he laughs and says yes.

While he's getting his ID, I go through my spiel about drugs, illegal weapons, large amounts of US currency, etc. Then hit the specifics. Cocaine? No. Weapons? No. Cash? No. MJ? Um... no? <Bingo!> Ask him if he's smoked any marijuana tonight? Yes. But it's all gone? Yep, all gone.

So get the consent search, and find about 1/8 oz in his watch pocket. I ask him if the marijuana that I just found in his pocket is his, and he replies, 'Oh, I thought I smoked all that up!'

Doh!

"I don't have time to do this!" (follow the procedures so to get a pass)

And I wanted to reply but I think Fate cut me off, "Well, Sir, then you don't have time to come on to the Navy Station."

That probably was the most consistent situation we had. The gate house was adjacent to the station house. The gate sentry would tell drivers that they needed to turn around, park in the lot down the hill from the station house, and take their license, registration, and proof of insurance to the dispatcher to get a temporary pass.

At the of the parking lot at the stairs to the station house, there was a sign listing what was needed. At the door, there was another sign stating the same. Inside, over the dispatcher's head, was another sign stating the same.

And yet, time and time again, people would get up to the dispatcher and claim they didn't know they needed the registration. And then it would go something like this:

"Can't I just tell you the numbers?"
"Can't you go down and read my plate?"
"Can't the officer go and read my plate and radio it back to you?"

And all the time, it was "No, Sir/ No, Ma'am" and they would leave the station house mad to go back to their cars to get something which for the life of me, I couldn't understand why they didn't do it right in the first place.

Now, some might have been indoctrinated to the old way. When I was assigned to the post, the station house was internal to the base and passes were handled by the gate house where the sentry had the license and wrote down the plate by looking at it. People got to stay in the comfort of their car......and thank God no one tried to back over the gate sentry.

But when we got a Quonset Hut on the station perimeter, things changed....which didn't make a lot of people too happy.
_________________________________________________________________
("You want to upset people? Change things."--(wtte), President Truman)

Quoted: My friend hears Uncle Tom all the time.  Me being white, I just get storm trooper and pecker head.

Don't you get called "cock smoker" too?

Your list in the other topic cracked me the hell up.

[While I'm on break & eating]

1) "Hey, I got a question for you..."

If those idiots had the slightest clue of just how much that F*CKING PISSES ME OFF, they wouldn't even breathe near me when walking by my booth.

[The people who actually think that documentation of the slightest of incident will somehow immediately get put through the NCIC, force fed to every officer in a 20 mile radius with a priority memo attatched to it & simultaniously dropped off at the prosecutors office. All for the purpose & reason being that their moment of feeling wronged get recognized...]

2) "THAT'S RIGHT, YEA,...& THEN HE CALLED ME AN ASSHOLE! I WANT A REPORT!"

[Shitbag in shit car creeping around in my neighborhood at 0300hrs]

3) "I AINT GOT TO GIVE YOU MY LICENSE UNTIL YOU TELLS ME WHY YOU PULLED ME, I KNOWS MY RIGHTS. WHY YA GOTTA SEE MY LICENSE?!"

It's right then that I wish I were a cop in the early '80s & had no video camera. People like that really have no clue just how close they come to getting dragged out of the car by their hair.

Quoted: "You ain't nothin but a ni**a with a badge"

Stupid badge-toting ninjas...when are they gonna leave the world alone?

Quoted: Quoted: "You ain't nothin but a ni**a with a badge" Stupid badge-toting ninjas...when are they gonna leave the world alone?

Haha!

In VA we have a law against 'curse and abuse', basically you can't curse someone out or speak words about them or their relations that would invoke a breach of peace. So I charged a girl with it one day after I arrested her for public intoxication (she was 26 weeks pregnant, blew a .26, riding a grey hound and got kicked off - in our town). She called my black partner every name under the sun, including an 'Uncle Tom Cracker Ni**er mother fucker'. The judge did NOT like hearing that, and fined her $500 for the offense - max allowable by law.

Quoted: Quoted: My friend hears Uncle Tom all the time.  Me being white, I just get storm trooper and pecker head. Don't you get called "cock smoker" too? Your list in the other topic cracked me the hell up.

Thanks for reminding me...  now I am going to cry a little bit while I eat dinner and drink my beer...

"Is it dangerous where you work?"

"I know you blew out a tendon in your knee....but when will you be available to come to court?"

"Are you sure you saw the suspect in that apt.?"  (came from my sgt 3x.  ....Felony DV suspect, banger, carries pistol, threatened to not be taken alive this time.... and I'd arrested him numerous times so....yes I friggin am sure.  So if you want to call SWAT, go ahead but I'll be calling inside after I make sure the rifle units and arrest teams are not in a crossfire situation.)

"Quien, yo?"