As I leave Patrol behind I think about the good, bad, and ugly of what I have seen so far.  I'll share a classic one or two with all of you.  Before I start, my goal is not to hear about dead babies or decapitated whatevers but the nasty, funny crap.

When I ran a dog I would get called out by other LE agencies to assist with narcotics searches and the like.  I got called to a totally nude bar out in our county by TABC (Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission).  There were lots of complaints about drugs and under age dancers so TABC was doing an inspection and wanted me to search for narcotics on the premises.  One of the areas that I had to check was the women's locker room and lockers.  I began the search as numerous naked women casually talked to each other and me as they waited their turn to dance.  About half way through the search a girl came in from the stage and she was crying her eyes out.  The others began to ask her what was wrong and she told them that one of the customers had tapped her on her foot to tell her that she had begun her period while dancing and that she was bleeding on the stage.  While grossed out by this declaration I kept going until one of the other girls tried to comfort the first girl by saying that it would be okay and that it was God's way of letting them know that they were women.  She went on to say that getting a period on stage wasn't that big of a deal and a year earlier when she was dancing after having her baby she had leaned over to get a dollar bill from a customer and her breast accientally squirted milk onto the guy's forehead.  That was it, time to leave or go fetal from the images in my brain.  That's just one of many along those lines.  Next I will tell you about the homeless guy in the bus station bathroom.....for the love of God.

I was serving some civil papers with a fellow deputy at a local trailer park.  Awareness was high, but we didn't cover the back since it was a civil paper w/no warrant.  The trailer was pretty run-down and everyone was looking out their windows as we rolled in.  (slick vehicles, plain-clothes).  I knocked on the door, and heard footsteps in the trailer.  The window curtain moved just a bit and then I heard HEAVY footsteps leaving the front door and heading down the length of the trailer.  About 5 seconds later, there was a great crash/boom sound.  My partner and I walked around to the side/back where the window and screen were knocked out.  With hands on ouur sidearms and somewhat ready for what might occur next, we just started laughing since we knew the paper was a civil citation for something minor.  We were thinking drugs or something spooked her.  About 5 minutes later, here comes a lady, pretty skanky and limping up to us.  

Lady - hey officers, can i help 'yall?
Us - Sure 'maam, do you live here?  
Lady - Yes I do.  
Us - Then why the hell did you just go out your back window?  
Lady - I didn't know who you were or what you wanted.  Is everything OK?
Us - We were about to ask you the same question based on the limp you got there.
Lady - Ah, it's nothing.  I go out the window all the time.
Us - Well, I'm deputy XXX and this is deputy YYY and we've got some papers for you.
Lady - You mean I'm not going to jail?
Us - No 'maam, not today.

We gave her the papers and departed still laughing about that day...

Coupla  years ago..two guys were shooting heroin. They had just scored from a new supplier.Dummy#1 falls over and dies-the stuff was not cut as much as he was used to,so he overdosed.#2 is an old pro,and handles it OK- just stoned out of his head.When he comes down,he realizes #1 is dead.What is he to do???? What else-take money out of body's pocket,call dummy#3,and make another dope run.Guess what.....it's too stong for him too. So now #2 is stoned with 2 dead bodies laying around.....in middle of summer  95 degrees.Day or so later mamma's getting pissed as the basement is starting to smell real funny.So let's call another genius......nooooo..... to get rid of the bodies.They roll one up in a rug,and put him in the trunk of the other body's Caddy. the caddy's owner gets a seat in front.Now you've got two dummies giving a stiff a ride down to the riverfront.They get out,move the body to the driver seat,put a post-it note-farewell cruel world..on his forehead.Aim at the river and run like hell.Car gets stuck on one of those giant chains on the moorings.What's the life expectancy of a  late-model cadilac running on the St.Louis riverfront at night? REAL SHORT..Two guys see car. Hey FREE CAR. run up to it ,open door,previously unseen dead body falls half out. These two beat feet.Soon they get to thinking about body and fingerprints on car door.They call 911 admitting to opening door,but no responsibility for dead body.Homicide investigates body half out of car. Later, getting ready to tow,The car still smells pretty bad for having gotten rid of the body.Oh yeah we need to inventory the trunk.Second body! Two people get charged with 'Abandonment of a Corpse"felony.When they go to court for a 1st court  date they are both high.Cavity carry. Worse,they offered some to the others in the holding cell...No thanks I know where that's been.

tag for future stories

When i was a rookie in Texas we had a fatality accident call on I-45. When we arrived, the PD shut down almost 2-miles of the freeway. This is about 10pm. Apparently, an Hispanic male had tried to cross I-45 on the downside of an overpass. This was in an almost unlit area. Well, he didn't quite make it. A vehicle struck him and of course went over him, dragging him for some distance. He was then struck and dragged by several vehicles. At last count it's figured he was nailed and dragged by near 30 vehicles. He was dragged for about a mile and a quarter.

As an aside,a lady calls from Houston, in hysterics. She says that she was travelling behind an SUV, one of the first vehicles that struck the guy. She says that when the SUV jumped a bit and swerved she saw something come out from under it. She hit it not having enough room to evade. She thought it was a dog. She didn't realize it was a person until she got into her garage and checked her grill. The guys finger was hanging out of it.

Anyway, the guy HAD been 5'6". He was now about 3' long and twisted up like a spring. His internal organs had been spilled out the length of his journey. His feet were found in his boots. His head had been ground down to his eyebrows. the rim of his skull looked like it had been cut by a lazer. His brain (what little he may have had) was somewhere back along the last exit. The funeral home tasked with recovery brought out a black Dodge pick-up. It had a rubber liner material in the back and several color coded Rubber-Made containers. The diferent colors denoted where specific organs and tissues went. There were several attendants in bio-coveralls following behind and in front of the truck picking up peices. A patrolman following behind them would occasionally call out where certain things were found. About a quarter mile behind the funeral home recovery was the FD. They were washing down the interstate for the large traffic jam of people that were waiting to go home.

Everybody showed up with polaroids for dead-book photos. That was where I learned that you do one of three things. Puke, Make fun of the idiot or Sit there in misery wondering about the guys family and what they were goig to think. Well, I laughed and made fun of the stupid way this idiot had chosen to die.

Next time I'll tell you about the two luckiest human beings on earth.

cmoth out.

About my second year on the street, I was working midnight shift when I got behind a car on one of our main east-west in/out of town roads.  45 zone for most of the way, fairly straight and level, runs from near downtown to out into the surrounding county.  As soon as I got close enough to see the license plate, the car started drifting a little.  Now, I'm not the biggest DUI hound in the department (~20 in 8 years total, 6 on the street), but I could tell immediately that something was up.  I gave it a few more blocks, built a good reason to stop it, and hit the blue lights.

I walk up, and could tell from about 10 feet away that we were going to run a DUI.  From the two empty beer cans in the back seat, to the drivers slurred "yesssh, ossifer?", to the overpowering smell of cheap beer, I knew the guy was plowed.  I got his license and registration, and asked him how much he had been drinking.  "Not a drop, sir.  I haven't drunk anything."

Buuulllllllshit, I think.  Out of the car he comes, and we walk over to the roadside to start FST's.  As I'm explaining the first field test, I glance down and see a growing puddle on the pavement under him.  That's nice, I think, he peed himself.  Drunks occasionally do that, so I went back to explaining the test.  I tell him to do it, and as he's performing (and failing miserably) the test, the puddle gets bigger...and bigger...and bigger.  Holy crud, I think, just how big is this guy's bladder.  Now, I know beer tends to be rather transient in one's system, but I was honestly surprised how much this guy was peeing.  It was July, the guy was wearing shorts, and there was no denying the yellow stream running down his leg, off his sneaker, and onto the blacktop.

I ask him again.  "Sir, how much have you had to drink?"
"Drink?  Nothing, honest."
"Well, you smell like beer, you're obviously impaired, I'd say you've been drinking.  I'm not trying to be harsh, but how much?  Be honest with me."
"I am being honest.  I haven't drunk anything.  Seriously."

I run him through a second FST, which he fails miserably as well.  At this point I was satisfied that I had enough to take him, but I wanted to take another look in his back seat, particularly at the beer cans which he was denying he had emptied.

That's when I saw it.  Or rather, them.

On the front passenger floorboard, there were two 1 gallon milk jugs, a 3 foot length of garden hose, and a case of Miller High Life cans.  Hmm, repackaging, that's innovative, I think to myself.  

But what was the hose for?

I reach down to pick it up, and I noticed another very distinctive odor.

Poop.

On one end of the hose.

By combining the practice of siphoning with the horrifically thin membranes in one's rear end, which translates into an equally horrifically quick rate of alcohol absorbtion, he achieved a very quick albeit mildly unsanitary buzz.

He went to jail for DUI and blew a 0.18 at the station.  That case is part of a lecture at the state lab where they train new Intoxilyzer operators.

Finally, anyone want to guess which end of the hose he told me he had to suck on to restart the siphon action when the flow started dropping?  Hint - not the end in the jug.

Quoted: Now this is a thread.  Since gross has been covered: Funniest one to me is a call my partner got.  He was kinda a gung ho guy and good cop who took pride in being the one to get in on the "hot" calls.  He gets a call of a white male adult wielding a knife in a parking lot, who had assaulted a customer (unknown injuries, NFI.)  He makes his way there and goes into "tactical approach mode".   Partner sees the guy with knife and dude takes off, tossing the knife in the bushes.  Cover is on their way and we don't know if there is a homicide, robbery or just some spooked shopper at this point.  He calls out the foot pursuit and the cavalry rolls.  This guy is giving the officer a run for his money as he is breathlessly calling out updates.  Units arrive and officer is nowhere to be found.   We finally find him on top of the guy in some grass about two blocks away...  As we come up, the badguy is crying under the officer who is not even trying to cuff him.  The officer has a sheepish look on his face and as we get closer we see that the badguy is ...well.. a very very special boy (think Corky from Life Goes On) who is now in tears and telling us his mom will be mad he scuffed his shoes again. The "knife" turned out to be one of those toy magic wands.  He had gotten away from mom at Walley Mart and was apparently trying to turn some customers into a toad or something like that. In the officers defense, he was about 5'11" 200lbs.  It was awile before you stopped hearing "Franks and beans, franks and beans!!!!!!!!!" During briefing.

Gross:

I worked a child exploitation case where a Sgt. in the Airforce solicited sexual acts from a minor on the Internet.  He was especially interested in her providing video of pissing and then drinking it.  He was also into scat and wanted to have her participate in that.  Well when we served the serarch warrant on his home we recovered quite a bit of evidence, including porn, scat videos, and home made stuff.  The worst one was a home video of the Suspect taking a shit on a paper plate....sniffing it....licking it....then eating it.  I gagged...my Lt just laughed.  We had fun grossing people out around the office with that video for a few days.  Suspect is now a registered sex offender.  

That was Scat-tastic. Eeeeeeeeeewwwww!!!

Now for the 2 luckiest guys in the world.

Same stretch of interstate, I-45 north of Houston. Early morning, my FTO and I get a call to assist with a major accident. Traffic control. The initial officer tries to do the "this would be a good one for the rookie", doesn't fly when the Sgt rolls up. When we get there we see a cab-over-engine semi-tractor trailer rig that had obviously drifted off of the highway. It had drifted off to the right, centered up on the guardrail leading up to the underpass going under a rather hefty bridge. The cab had centerpunched a large concrete pillar. The impact had been so severe that it had disintegrated the trailer including the frame. I mean right down to the little parts. All of the produce and merchandise meant for one of the local Hispanic grocery stores all over.

The cab was the cool part. It had wrapped around the concrete pillar. The rest of the tractor had accordianed up to the cab and the wheels had seperated adn rolled down I-45. It took hours for them to peel away the seperate peices that had literally pressed together into one big chunk.

The driver and passenger? Both of them had fallen asleep, each pressed against opposite sides of the cab. When Rescue had cut to them, they were found not only alive but relatively UNHURT. They WALKED to the frickin' ambulance. The space they had occupied were the only two airspaces that had remained after the collision, one on either side of the pillar.

As an aside, I worked three satelite accidents as a result of rubbernecking. Dumbasses.

Quoted: shit on a paper plate....sniffing it....licking it....then eating it. Suspect is now a registered sex offender.

Thank god!

Funny & Nasty

I worked with guy that went to the academy a while back. He graduated with a member that went to a different agency. Here is his story...

Officer X,resh off the block on FTO. The PD required to have all reports writen instead of typed. Officer X HATED TYPING. Took a call to a "cat hit by a car". Officer X and his FTO get there and the FTO says take care of it. Well, the poor kitty is on the road half ass meowing, can't move, and now way to save it.
Well "taking care of this" would require shooting the mangled mess to put it down. Every time a wepon is fire a report needs to be writen. Remember...Officer X hates to type, so whats the next best thing...ASP!
Officer X (with FTO behind him) whips out is ASP and starts beating this thing before FTO can say anything.
Officer X and his whoop ass technique of double handed, over the head, skull crushing this thing seemed to be working for him!
After about 5-8 swings Officer X turns to his FTO, after being told to stop and sees BLOOD all over his FTO's face and uniform!!!!!!!!!

FTO IS PISSED, cats not moaning, wepons not fired, no report writen!

Officer X bags it and goes to the shelter, unbags it, and all the sudden...mmmMmMeEEeeeooOOOOOoWwwww............

FTO was pissed before, and says to Officer X, "Just shoot the damn thing"!

FTO stays inside while Officer X takes the kitty out. A few minutes go by and FTO is wondering where Officer X is. FTO goes out just in time to see Officer X get out of the drivers seat of the car and picks up the lumpy bag of kitty out from behind the left rear!

All I have to say is he must REALLY hate typing!

Next up...."Da Smoova"

While pulling over a truck one night I saw the driver digging around and it looked like he raised up to put something under his butt.  He pulled into a driveway of a known drug house and I had him get out and walk back to me.  I did a quick Terry frisk and I know the guy is a meth head so I asked him what he was trying to hide.  Nothing of course.

This guy is acting really nervous as I walked up to the truck.  Right off the bat I noticed it smelled like a meth lab in the truck, but I did not see any makings of a lab.  I did find a black object wrapped up in eletrical tape of course.  This guy really got nervous now and said "I don't know what that is!"

Bingo, it was about 8 inches long and shaped kind of like a big squash vegetable.  Our tweekers are fond of tapeing up pill bottles full of meth so the K9 won't smell it...  I still smelled the chemical smells in the truck so I sorta gave the object a sniff test and man it smelled like ass.  I thought this sucker needs to take a shower now.

Well I asked him what it was again and he said he did not know and became more nervous.  Well while I was holding it the ass smell got more and more intense, and this guy was zeroing in on the object. I told him to unwrap it and had him cornered so he could not get away.  

So I hand it to him and he starts to unwrap it and there was a permenate marker and a pill bottle in there with toliet paper all around it.  There is the meth right?  Wrong.  Nothing in there at all!!

I said boy you tell me now what this is or I am going to DUI you for drugs, meth.  He looks at me and says, "A fat chick had it in her ass while ago."  What?  About this time a fat nasty tweeker chick walks out of the trailer house and says "Hi Officer."

I looked at the guy and he is about to cry so I asked "Was it her?"  He said "Yes (my name) you won't tell anyone will you?"  I asked him if he watched.  He said "I just want to wash my hands after touching that thing, and trust me you need to wash yours too (my name)."

I went to the trunk of my car and pulled out the BIG BOTTLE of alcohol Gel and the Anti Bacterial wipes and let him use them too so he would not tell anyone about this either.  I guess the ass smell gets stuck in your nose cause I smelled it all night even after washing my hands till they were raw.  

That kid is off drugs now and is doing well, we still don't speak of the incident



One more just a quicky:  A deputy and I were on a traffic stop one night and the deputy found a 'bong.'  So he was sniffing the bong and asking the vehicle owner where the bowl was and what the rubber pump was for.  The guy just snickered and said "Dude it is a homemade peter pump."

Johnny poop flinger.  I will post story later...  

I had a guy show up at the local hospital drunk, and naked, with shoes, sunglasses, and an American flag. He wasn't covering himself with the flag. I said hey nice shoes.

The grossest was when I was at Ft. Bragg, a crew chief got sucked up into the rotor of a black hawk. It sucked at the time, because it was my first major incident, but it also helped. Now when I see really messed up stuff, it doesn't really phase me.

As promised, my nasty story about the transient at the bus station.


Another Officer and I got called to our city bus station.  It is large, fairly new and handles both city and cross country bus traffic.  The call was about a drunken subject standing in the men's bathroom with his pants down.  We got there and while the primary Officer was talking to the station attendants I noticed that several people had started to enter the bathroom in question but immediately turned around and walked out.  I took this as a 'clue' that something bad was happening.  We entered the bathroom and from across the room the smell was overpowering.  Not the shit on the floor type of smell but the nasty I haven't washed my ass since 1979 smell had completely destroyed this bus station bathroom.  At the sink stood an older wino with his pants around his ankles and so drunk that he couldn't pull them up.  The sink was full of water that was tinted an orangish-brown color.  Then I realized that this guy couldn't even stand the smell of his own ass and had been washing his ass in the sink with his hand.  The Wino was wearing no underwear with two pairs of donated pants that were probably 42 waist size so his belt was the only thing that kept them up.  Here was the dilema, he couldn't pull his pants up without falling over and we couldn't haul him out of the bathroom because the bus station was full of people.  The primary Officer had to bend down and pull the guy's pants up while I held him and kept him from falling over.  The Wino wouldn't hold still and his pecker was swinging around loose and I was sure that it was going to hit the other Officer.  While this is going on people continued to come into the bathroom to use it before leaving on their bus.  The other Officer was now yelling at me to hold the Wino still so that he wouldn't be struck by an errant shlong.  By this time my eyes were watering from the smell of ass and like a bad car wreck I was still looking at this sink full of ass water.  We finally got the guy dressed and wheelchaired to the Officer's car for transport.  All the way to the jail the Officer had the windows down and his head was hanging out of the window.  It took two desanitizer delousings before he could drive around with the windows up.

These are awesome!   First the funny one.

We get sent out to a local bar for someone nailed with OC.

Upon our arrival, we meet w/PD, who are taking a witness statements. The "short version" is:

Guy and his buddy get into verbal with John Doe. Doe retreats (walking) to his car, pursued by "Vic" 1 & 2. Doe reaches his car, produces OC, and nails the 2 "vics", then flees the scene.

Vic 1 runs back to bar, where his GF (skank) is helping him wash the OC out of his eyes.

She's filled up the big mop sink with water, and is telling vic1 to dunk his face, with his eyes open, to rinse them out.

Oleo.....oil......floates on water...hmmm no wonder this guy was progressing far worse than his buddy, who just let the stuff run it's course, and could at least see by now. Vic 1 is asking for something for the pain - tx to ER or field meds. We tell him we don't have anything, and that the ER is just gonna flush his eyes with saline - no meds - and let the stuff run it's course.

We ask the chain smoking bartender if she has milk in the fridge - she offers us Bailey's. We explain it's not to drink - she smiles and apologetically says she doesn't keep any.

Vic 1 goes off on a rant:

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! SH*T HURTS! I'M GONNA FIND THAT MF'ER AND KILL HIM. I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHERE HIS FOLKS LIVE, AND KILL THEM. IF HE'S GOT BROTHERS AND SISTERS, I'M GONNA NAIL THEIR *SS TOO. I'M GONNA LOOK HIS HIS G*DDMAN GRANPARENTS AND KILL THEM... IF HE GOT A DOG, I'M GONNA KILL IT. IF HIS GRANDPARENTS GOT ROACHES IN THEIR HOUSE, I'M GONNA KILL EVERY ONE OF 'EM...F*CK!!!

All the while rubbing his eyes (against numerous consultations by PD/FD, and the other vic), asking for Morphine or something else for the pain.

Out from behind the bar comes the bartender (B/F about 60), with the "goin' to church" voice - she takes a slow drag off her smoke, and lets out the following:

"I know you, and I knows your Daddy, And I'm gonna tell him you was CRYIN' LIKE A BITCH."

At this point everybody in the place lost it.

The Cops, us, vic 2 and the GF. We're almost on the floor. The bartender just takes another hit, smiles, and walks back behind the bar. Even the vic starts to laugh, and says "Awww, f*ck it... y'all can't do nothin'?"

We tell him nope, he signs a refusal, and we leave him and his GF with an explanation about using running water to flush contaminants...

Now a somewhat gross one.

Get tapped out about midnight for an MVA - possible entrapment - to an intersection ( 6 lane US highway and four lane state highway) about two block from the house.

We show up in the squad (ambulance) and see a newer (01?) GMC Envoy with major passenger side front end damage about a foot behind (and a little under) the back end of a tractor/trailer rig.

Hole in the windshield, dash crushed obstructing the front view, but no airbag deployment.  P/S bumper pretty much back to the firewall.

Bystander is trying to open driver's door. Ask him if there's someone inside, and he says "Nobody got out". Looked inside and told him "he's not gettin' out - thanks for your help anyway".

From the right (passenger) side, the guy was just sitting in the driver's seat, his eyes slightly closed, with a dazed WTF? expression on his face.

As you walked around to the rear of the vehicle, you realized that there was a large (3" dia) clean "U" shaped depression in his head, and that the left side of his skull had opened (the left side of the "U"). Clear view inside of big empty space inside.

Explosive brain rupture kind of precluded working him as a traumatic arrest, so we called for the coroner. ID & plates to a town just south of us.

The semi driver (older lady - think "Large Marge" from PeeWee) said she had stopped for the light. It had turned green, she had just started forward and she felt a "bump".

(For those of you who aren't AI's, semi drivers normally don't feel "a bump" unles the tractor gets nailed)

She looked in the mirror and saw the SUV... stopped and called 911 through her dispatcher.

We stayed on scene to cut the body out for the Deputy Coroner on duty. As we're doing that, we look up at the rear of the trailer, and notice that there's a beautifully made stainless steel "dock guard" that runs around the sides and top of the rig.

It's about 3" in diameter.

Best guess?

We believe the tractor had no brake lights illuminated  because she was pulling away from a stop - but she wasn't moving fast yet.

Envoy driver was half asleep and though she was going @ speed - was trying to pass and suffered the effects of miscalculating a physics experiment.

He struck the trailer in just the right spot to trip one (not two) AB sensors, which prevented their operation.

He exited through the windshield, struck the dock bumper on the trailer, and then re-deposited himself in the seat, neat as you please.

One of our senior AI's was wandering around the scene collecting bits'o'brain in a bag.

Our junior guys cut the car - took quite a while. Once we had access, we got the guy out, straight into a bag.

The senior AI came over to help the DC and I remove the victim.

I looked over at the DC when she was zipping up the back, and asked her

"Know what the last thing through his mind was?"  

Of course, she looks up and says "No... what?"

"Semi trailer!" responds kindly Tango!  

The AI just looked up and said "That's cold, Tango!"

Of course, it made the circuit @ the PD - I heard about it two weeks later.

AAR - turns out he was a "straight citizen" (no DUI/drugs) who had dropped his daughter off at college in the UP or northern WI tht afternoon - he'd been on the road several hours - and was on his way home, to a town just 3 miles south of where the accident took place.

tag.

tag

Extremely Gross:

One of our crews were called to a "person not breathing." They arrive and an RP (old dude) meets them at the door and tells them just one moment while he puts his 15, yes 15 dogs away! They wait about 1 minute till he returns and lets them in and says his wife isn't breathing and she is upstairs in the beadroom. As they stepped into the house they realize that they are walking on about 3 inches of dog shit that is covering the entire floor and about 2 feet high on the walls. They take a step back to put some vicks vapor rub on the upper lip with a N95 mask but they said it didnt help at all.

They get upstairs and the lady is laying in bead not breathing and is pulseless. They pull the sheets back and she had dog shit plastered to her from the titties down. They all looked at each other and decided to take her outside to work her. They get her outside and start working her when one of the FF's realize that she has a bunch of bath towels wrapped around her right side. He starts to pull them off and realizes that (and this is the fucking gross part) that they are actually packed INTO her! As he now PULLS THEM OUT OF HER a slew of about 1000 MAGOTTS follow from a hole in this lady that went from her right tit all the way around to almost her spine. One guys walks way and pukes on the other side of the engine and the crew looks at each other and says lets call her and then she takes a breath (Talk about fucked up). So they load up and take her to the hospital where she took another breath en route. Lady ended up dieing (although she was already dead on arrival, I forget what the deal was with the respirations but they were a fluke).

The engine crew had PD condemn the house and it was leveled. The lady had been dieing of cancer and the old man just lost it over the years and stop taking care of everything. The magotts are believed to have been formed from the amount of fecal matter in the house managed to be somewhat airborne and got into her lungs and ate their way out.

A great pass-on story for the next morning at the table during shift change.

(although she was already dead on arrival, I forget what the deal was with the respirations but they were a fluke).

Agonal Breathing i.e. death breaths

Just reflexive

tag

.

So far, I think the new kid (Jericurl) has the gross thing hands down...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Nobody can top Jericurl! You could not make up a story to top that.

Quoted: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Nobody can top Jericurl! You could not make up a story to top that.

Agreed. Now someone needs to come up with the funniest.

Yeah I think that one holds the honor of being the absolutey filthiest and just plain rotten call of all time in our department. Glad I wasn't there. We definitely need some funny ones now.

yep jericurl wins, hands down.  Thats F*cking sick. i thought ive herd of some sick shit, what thats on the top of my sick shit list.  DUde if i seen that i would puked and have nightmare for years.

man im lookin to be a cop when i graduate highschool, and i hope i never have to see anything like that.                  

Tag for after work reading pleasure!

     One friday night this time last year as i was working a power shift, i get a call to backup a neighboring dept on a traffic stop with a signal 30 and awc attached to the plate. This was a couple days after a good snow that left about 4 to 6 in on the ground. As i get out of my cruiser and talk to the other officer who's been waiting on me i notice that there are 2 subjects in the car. As i walk up on the passneger side no sooner do i hit the front bumper of the other cruiser the door flies open and this carl lewis wannabe is out and running through the back yards. WTF i think as i take off after him through the snow.
      I call in a foot pursuit heading east through some yards. As i am running after this kid yelling at him to stop i have an overactive dispatcher asking if i want to go to an area wide and where i need backup that's on the way to set up. now i am running through at least 4 in of snow which isn't easy after a kid younger than me but i am keeping up with him about 30yds back. After about a 1/2 mile of twisting and turning over fences through back yards i am not sure where i am at so the comm center is getting mad cause i can't give them an exact location, and i am getting a little worried myself if this goes on much longer. finally the kid jumps on last chain link fence and goes down in the snow and i think i got him, well i jump the fence and slip as i half way over. I land on the prongs of the fence with of course my sack!!! As i feel like my nuts have just been impaled i let out this scream that probably woke the neighborhood. I manage to get myself off the fence and land on the kid luckily he's too tired to fight, as i am cuffing him this lady walks out her back door yelling i am calling the police. I yell back i am the F***ing police what's the address here. I let the comm center know my location and that i need a squad also, being in serious pain i just laid on the kid in the snow not caring that he was probably turning blue in the snow.
         Finally other officers show up and i roll off, the squad shows up and checks the kid for frost bite and  want to check my nuts. Now i am hurting cold and really pissed off and to top it off i have to now show my nuts to some emt's. could this night get any worse? lucky for me it didn't puncture the old baby maker it just left some inprints of the prongs. It only took about ten minutes for every cop in the county to hear about my nut experence and when i got back to my cruiser the messages on my mdt were many, as you can imagine, even today i still got messages looking for the pronger... and this was all over a little bag of weed.

Guy tries to cross the interstate in the dead of night, with the expected result: Thump...squish.


Semi knocked him over, laid him down low enough the other cars could pass over him. He gets hit by about 3 more cars before someone realizes what's going on and calls. He was a real mess, but one of his legs was gone, not to be found...anywhere. Somebody drove all the way to the county line looking for it. Turns out, it gets found the next day at the autopsy. It was INSIDE HIS TORSO!

We had another one with parts getting wrapped around the transmission and driveshaft. Had to cut most of the car apart to get him all out.

Lady died in her hot tub with it running, not found till a few days later.

I did a search warrant on house that was so nasty.  After it was secured, a dog entered the front door, took a hairy crap on the living room floor and then went back outside.

This one is somewhat nasty, by far not the worst, but it was humorus and pretty gross. It may be a bit hard to convey the smell.......plus the accumulative sick effect it had on me.  It is lengthy too.  Sorry so long.

Kicked a door on a meth lab in a rural area it was campers set up in a triangle shape where 3 couples lived and one of which had an infant child (week old or so.)

It was a wonderful Oklahoma Summer day 65% humidity and about 100* when we got there.  Three groups of 3 took each camper and everything went pretty easy.....then it got ugly.

The couple in the first camper (my team's) were in bed naked, and they were beauties to say the least.  This woman had something wrong with her legs and her feet and ankles were swollen up to the size of coffee cans or something, 100% nasty.  I was drawn down on them, and made him keep his hands up, and ordered her 3 times to pull her covers back up!! And there was a strong smell of rotten buttermilk in the room, kind of like LawDawg's wino story.... Plus the heat.  I was assigned to search the bathroom area while my partners took the bedroom and living room/kitchen area.  

Searching this bathroom was a nightmare gone bad.  It was covered in used toliet paper about 2 foot deep, you can't imagine the smell.  It was rounchy, but I managed to muscle through it and thank God I made it outside.

When I got outside I noticed it was 'muddy' well there hadn't been any rain.........Got to looking around and there were turds, toliet paper, tampons, and such it all over the ground.  These sick suckers were just running their sewere out onto the ground and tromping right through it.  So the smell is just horrible .

While one of my partners was finishing up the bedroom where the fine couple was laying I saw Sammy turn green and toss a gym bag out to Youngster....... Sammy never gets sick.  Well I helped youngster open the gym bag and it was full of 'dirty' dill doe's.  Man it looked like dried syurp and peanut butter all over these things and the smell of 'butter milk' was now found.  Youngster got sick on the spot and I just walked off trying to get a smell of some fresh air.....

Then I get assigned to search camper 2, it was a little pickup camper set up on blocks.  So another partner of mine (who is as thorough as anyone I know) and I walk in and start searching.  He opens this really small closet door and looks in there for a second or two and says (Screw this they can have anything that's hidden in there.) and walks off.   I get sort of mad at him cause I had to do the bathroom on the other camper and pop off to him and he just kept walking.  

So I open the door and the smell was over powering.... there was a refrigerator to the left so I slowly opend it and it was working ok.  Then I glanced down and there it was....a 5 gallon bucket 3/4 full of crap, urine, toliet paper, rubbers, a lot of blood, and it was bubbling. (the blood was from the woman that just had a baby)  I almost puked then, but to show that I could do it I kept searching the frige/closet.

Well while searching the frige I saw a jar of Tea...Ok no big deal.  But you ever left a jar of tea in your refrigerator and an onion or something was in there and the tea tasted like the onion?

For some reason that came to my mind and my thought was "I know what that tea tastes like" and just that thought, combined with the wrinced odor of everything else within 30 yards of me made me hurl.  First time I'd ever hurled on one of these.

Needless to say the closet and frige were safe to hide stuff in cause I was finished, I thought I was going to puke up my boots I got so sick.

I went outside and told the 'home owners' how sick and nasty they were, was totally sicked out at the whole situation and it was hot hot hot.  I was sweaty and still queazy cause of puking so I was trying to calm down still complaining how nasty these suckers were.....  So I saw some chickens eating the turds mentioned earlier.  I asked one of the guys  "What do you do with all those chickens?"  The guy says "Oh we eat them."   I started hurling again

Our supervisor and another old timer said this was the 2nd nastiest search they'd ever done over a period of 20 years.  Like I said it is hard to convey the smells, sights, etc.......

ChickenKiller, where in OK was this?  Was this SE corner of the state?

Quoted: ChickenKiller, where in OK was this?  Was this SE corner of the state?

East Central part of the state.............. Oh man, I know where you are going with this one. haha

Quoted: Quoted: ChickenKiller, where in OK was this?  Was this SE corner of the state? East Central part of the state.............. Oh man, I know where you are going with this one. haha

Really?  I'm originally from Perry and used to go down to the Ouachita's when I was in Boy Scouts.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: ChickenKiller, where in OK was this?  Was this SE corner of the state? East Central part of the state.............. Oh man, I know where you are going with this one. haha Really?  I'm originally from Perry and used to go down to the Ouachita's when I was in Boy Scouts.

I was right there with you, Redleg.  I'm originally from SW Oklahoma and was thinking the same thing.

I was LMAO til I got to Jericurls post. Thats disturbing.

Agreed. Now someone needs to come up with the funniest.



Agh, what the Hell.  Everybody at work finds my story humerous.  Behold the story of Wee-man!  One of the PD's brings in a drunk Hipanic for either OWI or PI, cant remeber which one specifically.  Well this guy is totally uncooperative, and is immediatly put into the restraint chair.  He's in the chair for awhile yelling and screaming, then he finally calms down.  He says he really has to pee bad, and we would like to get him booked in so we can throw him into the drunk tank to sleep it off.   So, we wheel the chair over to the change out room, and we get him out of the chair so he can pee.  He undoes the front button of his pant, and unzips and starts to pee.  I am about 6 feet away (with gloves on and ready, incase he started getting squirrly again) and theres another officer on the other side of the couter in the change out room.  The whole time he is peeing, he is giving me "the stare"!  Everybody nows what I'm talkling about here.  Its the "i'm getting ready to knock you on your ass I'm so pissed" stare.  So, i'm starting to formulate my action plan for when this guy tries to bring it.  I'm thinking he's gonna try throwing a huge "hay-maker type" of punch, and I'm really getting psyched up, anticipating his swing.  Well, what happened next, I was not anticipating.  He's just finishing his last few drops, and getting in the final shakes (still staring at me this whole time) when he charges at me penis still in hand shaking it vigorously.    I was almost totally caught off guard here.  I was waiting for a punch, and now i have a drunk guy shaking his wanger at me.  So, I grap his left arm, and do a wrist lock pulling his arm around his back turning him away from me, and I bend over the counter in the change out room so we can re-cuff him.  Well in the process of spinning him around, and putting him against the counter, his pants had now fallen to his ancles, and he was wearing leopard print thongs  Yeah, its a guy here.  SO, you have me, directly behind a guy waist to waist, with him bent over with leopard print thongs.  My crotch pushed up against this dudes ass cheeks!  A true Kodac moment there.  It's one of those situations after its done, that all you can do is laugh about...You have to take one for the team every now and then

Quoted: Agreed. Now someone needs to come up with the funniest. Agh, what the Hell.  Everybody at work finds my story humerous.  Behold the story of Wee-man!  One of the PD's brings in a drunk Hipanic for either OWI or PI, cant remeber which one specifically.  Well this guy is totally uncooperative, and is immediatly put into the restraint chair.  He's in the chair for awhile yelling and screaming, then he finally calms down.  He says he really has to pee bad, and we would like to get him booked in so we can throw him into the drunk tank to sleep it off.   So, we wheel the chair over to the change out room, and we get him out of the chair so he can pee.  He undoes the front button of his pant, and unzips and starts to pee.  I am about 6 feet away (with gloves on and ready, incase he started getting squirrly again) and theres another officer on the other side of the couter in the change out room.  The whole time he is peeing, he is giving me "the stare"!  Everybody nows what I'm talkling about here.  Its the "i'm getting ready to knock you on your ass I'm so pissed" stare.  So, i'm starting to formulate my action plan for when this guy tries to bring it.  I'm thinking he's gonna try throwing a huge "hay-maker type" of punch, and I'm really getting psyched up, anticipating his swing.  Well, what happened next, I was not anticipating.  He's just finishing his last few drops, and getting in the final shakes (still staring at me this whole time) when he charges at me penis still in hand shaking it vigorously.    I was almost totally caught off guard here.  I was waiting for a punch, and now i have a drunk guy shaking his wanger at me.  So, I grap his left arm, and do a wrist lock pulling his arm around his back turning him away from me, and I bend over the counter in the change out room so we can re-cuff him.  Well in the process of spinning him around, and putting him against the counter, his pants had now fallen to his ancles, and he was wearing leopard print thongs  Yeah, its a guy here.  SO, you have me, directly behind a guy waist to waist, with him bent over with leopard print thongs.  My crotch pushed up against this dudes ass cheeks!  A true Kodac moment there.  It's one of those situations after its done, that all you can do is laugh about...You have to take one for the team every now and then

That'ths a thuper sthory big fella.  

just a little set up here. i spent 25 years watching people do stupid things, but this has a funyn side as well as a sad side.

in the early to mid 80's i was a new detective trying to absorb as much of the job as possible. i had a partner that had a different attitude than most in our unit.

we got a call to go to a local airport for an apparent suicide. this airport was at the time well known for it's skydiving stuff. when we arrived we found a guy lying on the ground in his jumpsuit missing about three quatrers of his head. there were three or four guys standing a good distance away. they told us that the guy seemed normal when he arrived and that he had been there many time prior to jump and had made a number of jumps. they accomidated him and took him up in the jump plane. as they neared the jump altitude the guy takes out an envelope and gives it to the the "jumpmaster" and tells him to give it back to him when they are on the ground. the guy jumps out of the plane and falls straight to the ground with out ever opening his chute. we were given the unopened envelope by the "jumpmaster". it contained the guys drivers license, ssn card, as well as a letter.

it stated that he had not done what he was being accused of but it seemed like he had no way out. he appolgized to his mother and sister for bringing shame to their family.

in the witnesses statements they said that they had known him for about three years and that his nickname had been "the bouncer", and bounce he did. according to one witness when "the bouncer" hit the ground he bounced about three feet before landing where he now lay.

while we were looking the scene over we found an identation in the ground where "the bouncer had landed the first time verifying the witnesses statement

now if you jump from an airplane and free fall into the ground you are going to have some serious injuries. we were stumped as why half his head was missing. after the photos were completed and the coroner had done his thing we rolled the guy over to find a 357 mag under him.

it seems that the guy had been recently indicted by a grand jury in another jurisdiction for rape and he chose this way to end his life.

what were the odds of the gun landing right where he came to ground (so to speak). saving us from a long tedious search to try to locate the gun. this area was mostly farm land at the time.

so he blew his head off in mid-air?  interesting to say the least.

.

While working for a large department, a few officers got very bored while working surveillance.

They found an old purse and apparently got a very bright idea.  They went down to a local pet shop and acquired a snake.  They decided to put the snake in the purse and then put the purse in one of the grocery carts in the parking lot as a decoy.

About 20 minutes later they observed a van with approximately 3 african american males in it.  They took notice of the purse and circled it twice.  On the third swing around, roughly, the side door of the van opened, one of the men grabbed the purse and they took off.

These very bored officers then followed said van.  After roughly a block the van swung hard, hit the curb, almost completely lost control.  The purse then went flying out the window.

The officers will tell you that they almost wrecked from laughing so hard.  

Funniest, grossest thing I've ever seen?  A man's penis... on the sidewalk... not connected to his body.

Why is it gross?  Umm, I think that one explains itself.  If you're a man and you can picture that image without wincing and clenching your legs together, you are far tougher than me.

Why is it funny?  Well, because the penis in question belonged to a suicide bomber, and the sidewalk was in Baghdad, Iraq.  Afterwards, my buddies and I joked about what this scumbag was going to do when he got to Paradise.... to be amongst all those virgins... and to lack, well, the EQUIPMENT to do anything about it.

BWAAAH HAAAH HAAAAH HAAAAH!!!

I'm not a LEO but when I was growing up my father was a DNR agent.  He always had great stories and here is one of the better ones.

 He had been after a group of guys who had been snagging walleyes in the river at night.  Night fishing was not allowed at certain times of the year, and snagging was never allowed at all.  His dept had issued him some NV, at that time I am sure it was very crude.  He was down at the river one night, trying out his new NV and he spotted the group of offenders.

 He put on his black state issued slickers, and started the sneak up on them.  These guys had run from him before, so he wanted to be in their midst this time, before announcing his presence.  He got up close, hidden by the night and his black rain gear.  

 One of the crew starts walking towards him, so my old man lies down next to a log, face down to hide.  All of a sudden he feels something hitting him lightly in the back, and realizes the guy is standing right next to him, pissing on his back!  So my old man jumps up, and scares the living shit out of this guy.  Said he lost all color, like he had seen a ghost.  

 My father grabs him and manages to ticket the whole bunch.

Now my father has been dead for 6 or 7 years, and last year I went to this wild game dinner.  All guys, drinking and having a good time.  I hear some guy start telling a story, about the time he pissed on the DNR agents back on purpose, said he knew he was there the whole time, and wanted to teach him a lesson.  Needless to say, I had to set the story straight.

years ago when i was a new housing officer [the first time] i was the only guy on the afternoon watch that carried a stick, as an ex mp i kinda liked sticks, so one of the guys asked me one day "why do you carry one of those" and, without losing a beat i said that it was my penis substitute............the office got really quiet, and the same dim bulb asked my why i needed a penis substitute, so i told him that i carried one because it hurt too bad when i hit actors with my penis.

you can imagine what the reaction was as i snatched a radio and headed out.
mpi