I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...

 In 1986, Mike Meams was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
 Northwestern University
 On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
  standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
  distressed, so Meams approached it very carefully.
  He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
 large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
  As carefully and as gently as he could, Meams worked the wood out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
 its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
  Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
  Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
  Twenty years later, Meams was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
 teenaged son.
  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
  and walked over to near where Meams and his son were standing.
  The large bull elephant stared at Meams, lifted its front foot off the
  ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
  trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
  Remembering the encounter in 1986, Meams couldn't help wondering if
 this was the same elephant. He finally got up the nerve to climb over the fence           and     worked his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
 back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
  one of Meams' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him

 Probably wasn't the same elephant

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:  It's all in the Wording...     A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"     Her face was beaming.  He gave her that "who are you look," and he couldn't remember ever having seen her before.     Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.      "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and with that, she turned and walked out of the store.     The guy was obviously dumbfounded by her remark, and thought to himself,    "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an VERY attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers her children!"     Then he got a little panicky.  "I don't remember her," he thought .....but MAYBE ....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he DID, in fact, father her child!     He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,    "Are you the girl I met at that Frat party in college ....and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"     "Good grief! No!" she said with a horrified look on her face.      "I'm your son's Second Grade teacher!"

Emailed to my gf the elementary school teacher.  

I can so see it happening to her.

Posted this in GD:

"FROM A KENTUCKY FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minchby a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noonwhen you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

Originally Posted By doggbert556: Posted this in GD: "FROM A KENTUCKY FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

 that's great!  

These are good ones!

Gail must have ETS'd or retired by now.  I first learned about her when I was wearing OD Green uniforms back in the day.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.  When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.  When he gets back, he says, "honey my hands are freezing!"  She says, Well put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop more wood and comes back and says again, "Man, my hands are really freezing!"  She says again, "Well come put them here between my thighs and warm them up."  He does and again that warms him up.

After dinner he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.  When he returns he says again, "Honey my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

THE BLONDE AND HER SHOES

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the
Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on
prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well
then,  maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair
of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little
lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to
catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he
pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young
woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly
toward her. With lightning sp eed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature
and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of
the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on
the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out
"SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.


She's such a bitch.....

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Got another one via e-mail: A husband and wife came for counseling after 30 years of Marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.  The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays  and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

I
I'm gonna re-tell this one to the golfers that come into the diner every week (who talk about their wives half-jokingly all the time).

One day an elderly lady was happily listening to the radio, when her music was abruptly interrupted with an announcement about a traffic hazard.  Remembering that her husband was out running errands, she quickly called him on the new cellphone that their children had bought them.

"Dear, I just heard on the radio that there is a car driving the wrong way on the interstate!  Be careful!"

Her husband replied, "One car?  There's a whole bunch of them!"

I hear a lot of woman jokes at the range. They always make me laugh!!

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Not a joke and I have no clue if it's true or not--but I LIKE IT!!   Then there was a conference in France where  a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and  American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the  room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent  an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he  intend to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied  quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several  hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical  power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to  feed 3,000 people three meals  a day, they can produce several thousand  gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen  helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their  flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France  have?" Once again, dead silence.

Sorry beekeeper.  France has an aircraft carrier.  The Charles de Gaulle.  It's nuclear powered, and displaces 38,000 tons empty.  Aircraft compliment is Dassault Rafale M's, and E-2 Hawkeyes.  Charles de Gaulle (R 91)

France has plans to build another carrier in the 65-74,000 ton range, and also plans on purchasing a third carrier from the UK.


Sorry to ruin your joke.

Well the story / joke didn't say that the French didn't have any. Maybe the silence is because we have so many more than them. Or the embarrassment that they didn't send theirs to help with the relief.

Why is it that the Americans are always the first to jump in to help some other nation? Then this also makes me ask, Why is it that in the end we also seem to be so hated by so many other nations. Or is it only the fools in those nations get so much coverage, while those who love us get so little coverage?

Originally Posted By DeltaAir423: Sorry beekeeper.  France has an aircraft carrier.  The Charles de Gaulle.  It's nuclear powered, and displaces 38,000 tons empty.  Aircraft compliment is Dassault Rafale M's, and E-2 Hawkeyes.  Charles de Gaulle (R 91) France has plans to build another carrier in the 65-74,000 ton range, and also plans on purchasing a third carrier from the UK. Sorry to ruin your joke.

Yes, and when was the last time it left harbor?

darn i lost the picture i had of the french army knife. it look like the swiss army knife but had a white flag instead of a blade.
anyway funny stuff i'm sending a copy to my son in iraq i know it will lift his day
thanks

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: photos.ar15.com/ImageGallery/Attachments/DownloadAttach.asp?iImageUnq=55198

Awww...I am in love, TBK.
I got a wicked soft spot for Doxies.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Not a joke, but you ladies will understand-- Puppy Size

That's a bait and switch!  You're not supposed to make me cry in a "joke" thread.

Originally Posted By DeltaAir423: Sorry beekeeper.  France has an aircraft carrier.  The Charles de Gaulle.  It's nuclear powered, and displaces 38,000 tons empty.  Aircraft compliment is Dassault Rafale M's, and E-2 Hawkeyes.  Charles de Gaulle (R 91) France has plans to build another carrier in the 65-74,000 ton range, and also plans on purchasing a third carrier from the UK. Sorry to ruin your joke.

....but do they know how to drive it????  

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Maybe this one will do better-- An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.” “Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”

Good one!

I'll get in trouble for this one.



Why do doctors spank newborn babies' asses?



It's to knock the dicks off the dumb ones.








CJ

Originally Posted By fsk1290: Originally Posted By DeltaAir423: Sorry beekeeper.  France has an aircraft carrier.  The Charles de Gaulle.  It's nuclear powered, and displaces 38,000 tons empty.  Aircraft compliment is Dassault Rafale M's, and E-2 Hawkeyes.  Charles de Gaulle (R 91) France has plans to build another carrier in the 65-74,000 ton range, and also plans on purchasing a third carrier from the UK. Sorry to ruin your joke. ....but do they know how to drive it????

[Inspector Clouseau voice] But,  of course we know how to drive it! But, them damn rocks keep jumping in font of us.[/Inspector Clouseau voice]

Oldie but goodie:

A BOAC 747 had landed at Frankfurt, Germany's airport, and was stopped at the end of the runway while the pilots read the complicated ground maps, to see how to get to their terminal. An irate German pilot kept badgering them to move to their terminal immediately. Finally, he barked over the radio: "Haff you EVER been to Frankfurt before?"

In a cool, clipped British accent, the pilot answered, "Yes, in fact I DID visit Frankfurt, in 1945... but I didn't stop."

French 'calamity' carrier heads for sea - again

By Julian Coman in Paris
Last Updated: 6:14pm BST 03/07/2001

ONE of the most embarrassing sagas in French maritime history took a further twist last week when France's most accident-prone warship began the countdown to another attempt to take to the high seas.

In the Ministry of Defence and on the quayside at Toulon, where the 40,000-ton aircraft carrier Charles de Gaulle had been dry-docked, sceptical observers crossed their fingers and prayed for a fair wind.

The idea of France's first nuclear-powered carrier was dreamt up in 1986. It soon became a pet project of the then president, Francois Mitterrand. The ship that was built has proved, however, to be a humiliating and expensive naval failure. Fifteen years and £7 billion later, it has still to complete its first successful tour of service and has suffered a series of mishaps.
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An attempt to go to sea in November ended characteristically in disaster somewhere in the Bermuda triangle. A substantial part of a 19-ton propeller broke off, obliging the carrier to limp back to southern France.

Since then, naval engineers have worked round the clock for three months in preparation for the next bid for seaworthiness. Last Tuesday, the vessel moved into the bay of Toulon proper. Its 1,950 crew are hoping for an April sailing, although no one was celebrating prematurely.

Frustration with the carrier has become palpable. Some of the more mutinous sailors of the Charles de Gaulle have taken to calling it "the damned ship [le bateau maudit]". The French minister of defence, Alain Richard, has promised to take whoever was responsible for the latest propeller debacle to court. He has even admitted that the Charles de Gaulle has become a subject of "ridicule".

It is not hard to understand why. The propeller incident was only one of a growing list of examples of mishap, misjudgment and mismanagement of the ship that was intended to be a symbol of French military prestige in the 21st century. "If you look back on the history of this ship," said one senior naval official, "it has just been a catalogue of errors."

Even the ship's name caused trouble. In 1986, President Mitterrand decided to call it the Richelieu, after the cardinal. In 1989, however, the Gaullist Jacques Chirac became prime minister. Mr Chirac believed that such a potent symbol of national pride should be named after the general who inspired his own political beliefs.

After a ferocious row, Mr Chirac prevailed. While the arguments raged, however, construction was falling further behind schedule. As economic recession began to bite in the 1990s, the project was starved of funding. On four occasions, work on the ship was suspended altogether. It was clear that the 1996 deadline for active service was wildly unrealistic.

Mr Chirac, then president of France, made a virtue out of necessity and decided that the Charles de Gaulle should become a millennium project, ready for service in 2000. After years of neglect, technical work and development began to be conducted at breakneck speed. By the late 1990s, the carrier was ready for its first proper sea tests, at which point things began to go even more awry.

The ship's flightdecks, it became clear, were too short to accommodate the American Hawkeye radar aircraft that France had bought for the vessel. In addition, the decks had been painted with a substance that eroded the arrest wires used to slow the aircraft as they landed.

The ship's electronics circuits weremalfunctioning, while its personnel, it emerged, were being exposed to unacceptable levels of radiation. The ship was simply not fit to sail. After many months of repairs, the Charles de Gaulle was relaunched last year on a cruise to Guadaloupe. Then the propeller problems began.

The firm that made the propellers, Atlantic Industries, went bankrupt in 1999. When the ship sails next month, it will borrow two propellers from older carriers. This time, the voyage must be a success. "If repeated mishaps don't finish a ship off, ridicule does," said Mr Richard. The French navy's communications officer in Toulon, Pierre Olivier is issuing similarly warnings. "Nothing must be left to chance for this trip," he said. "Everything must be in order this time."

Even the ship's name caused trouble. In 1986, President Mitterrand decided to call it the Richelieu, after the cardinal. In 1989, however, the Gaullist Jacques Chirac became prime minister. Mr Chirac believed that such a potent symbol of national pride should be named after the general who inspired his own political beliefs.

Didn't anyone tell them that it's bad luck to rename a ship? Terrible luck, in fact.

dang.....that dude looks like the guy that called me a homo in gym class.....

that day didn't go good for him.......and i got suspended for 2 days.........

Before y'all get out of hand with the carrier discussion, here's a couple more.

Dear Editor:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing  worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early  retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie  
to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that
we needed.


Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from
work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so  before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead,
I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for
them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know
she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before
she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys,
we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to
take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing
this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.


However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are
put on this earth to help each other...


Ron



EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a Calloway
extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his backside with only 2 inches of grip showing...
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense,
that he accidentally sat down on it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new

doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor

told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming as she ran down the
hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she
told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in
another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? This woman is 56 years
old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and y ou
told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde for speeding.

"I need to see your license."

"What's it look like?"

"It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver fumbles in her purse and finally finds a mirror. ""Here it is," she says and hands it to the officer.

The officer takes a long look at it and says, "You can go, I didn't realize you were a police officer, too."

My wife (a blonde) told me that one night before last.

Originally Posted By Wdsman: A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde for speeding. "I need to see your license." "What's it look like?" "It's square and has your picture on it." The driver fumbles in her purse and finally finds a mirror. ""Here it is," she says and hands it to the officer. The officer takes a long look at it and says, "You can go, I didn't realize you were a police officer, too." My wife (a blonde) told me that one night before last.

Yeah, but the blonde driver left and kept speeding.  Finally she was pulled over by a male police officer.  The officer asked her for her license, she pulled the mirror, he said nope, try again... little white card w/ your picture on it.  She keeps looking and finally finds it.  The officer asked for her insurance and she didn't know what it looked like.  The officer explained and said it's probably in your glove box.  So the driver leans over and starts looking.  Well the male officer looks around, doesn't see anyone, so he pulls his pants down and puts his "jimmy" in the window.  The driver finds her insurance, hands it to the officer, looks down and see's his jimmy and says, "Aww crap... not another breathalyzer test!"



Okay the joke I was going to post was a husband and wife are having an argument over something stupid.  So the man takes his pants off, gives them to his wife and says to put 'em on.  She does, at which time she says, "they're too big and don't fit".  Mans remark was... "That's right and don't you forget who wears the pants in this family."  Well the wife takes her pants off and says to put them on.  He tries and tries with no luck.  "I can't get into these pants," he says to which she remarks, "And that's not going to change until you adjust your attitude."  

Memory if an elephant -

A young man just out of college went on an African safari. When he was hunting elephant he happened upon a young bull. The bull and hunter stood motionless, not 15 yards apart for 5 minutes. The young bull lifted his right foot and let out a trumpet that could be heard for miles. The hunter noticed a piece of wood lodged in the young bulls foot. The hunter timidly moved close to the bull, and removed the piece of wood.

After this incident the hunter could never kill another animal.

25 years later he took his grandson to the Los Angeles Zoo. They were looking at the elephant habitat where he saw an old bull staring at him. The stare down lasted at least 20 minutes, when the elephant lifted his right foot, and lowered his trunk. This sent chills down the retired hunters spine. He crossed two fences to greet his old friend. When he got next to the animal, the old bull dropped his foot, wrapped his trunk aroung the man, and slammed him against the wall killing him instantly.

Experts say, the elephant at the LA zoo was probably not the same one as the man saw in Africa.

An elderly man brings his wife to see the doctor one day.  

After the doctor examines her,  he leaves the room, gets her husband, takes him
aside, and speaks to him privately.

"Sir,  I'm afraid your wife has a problem,  but I'm not sure exactly which one of two
possibilities it is.   She either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man asks the doctor, "How can we figure out which one it is?"

He replies, "Take her out for a drive,  maybe forty miles away from home, to a place
she doesn't know.   Drop her off there, and leave without her and go home.
If she finds her way home,  DON'T FUCK HER."



CJ