I live with my girlfriend, we're both 21 and living in an apartment.  She has hypothyroidism and hasn't been exercising, while I am basically healthy (aside from fibromyalgia) and I've been exercising like crazy.  The girlfriend isn't exercising or treating her hypothyroidism and she noticed that she gained 10 pounds, while my weight has remained pretty constant (She's 210 now, I'm 220 and have been for some time).  The girlfriend started freaking out over it, telling me how she needs to throw out all the "bad" food and get rid of all the sugar, etc.  It's really freaking me out, she went in the kitchen earlier and was looking for stuff to throw out, I felt like she was going to throw out all the food or something.  She's basically blaming junk food for her weight gain all the sudden, when I think her thyroid condition and lack of exercise is the bigger culprit.  Why does she feel the need to project the insecurity about her weight onto others like this ?  This isn't the first time she's gotten weird about her weight.  The last time, her mom had been pushy with her about exercising, and she threatened to stop eating over it.  Why can't my girlfriend decide to actually address the problem by treating her medical condition (she has been prescribed meds for it) and by exercising, and why is she engaging in this sort of a knee-jerk response ?  I pride myself on being the kind of guy who makes an honest effort to understand women, but this is really throwing me off.  I feel like she's gone psycho on me.  I did have her going to the gym to exercise with me, but her motivation has worn off, and I really don't feel I have the right to push her to do things, even if those thinfs are for her own good.  Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas ?  I know I should wait for her emotions to die down a bit before trying to reason with her (she's at school right now, thankfully), but what should I try to do that I haven't done before ?  I've talked to her before, I've made a real effort to help her with this.  She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc).  Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms).  She doesn't have a chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder.  Anyways, sorry for the long rant, and I hope the ARFCOM ladies can give me some helpful pointers.  

aww you sound like a really great guy to her. It's nice to see you caring much. Weight seems to be an issue with girls. Just be honest and tell her you care about her health, want to see her do it for herself to be healthy, so you guys can be healthy together. I think that would hit me the right way. Seems tricky, sometimes its just hard. I know this probably isn't helpful but wanted to give you kudos for being caring. Hope it all works out.

Quoted: I live with my girlfriend, we're both 21 and living in an apartment.  She has hypothyroidism and hasn't been exercising, while I am basically healthy (aside from fibromyalgia) and I've been exercising like crazy.  The girlfriend isn't exercising or treating her hypothyroidism and she noticed that she gained 10 pounds, while my weight has remained pretty constant (She's 210 now, I'm 220 and have been for some time).  The girlfriend started freaking out over it, telling me how she needs to throw out all the "bad" food and get rid of all the sugar, etc.  It's really freaking me out, she went in the kitchen earlier and was looking for stuff to throw out, I felt like she was going to throw out all the food or something.  She's basically blaming junk food for her weight gain all the sudden, when I think her thyroid condition and lack of exercise is the bigger culprit.  Why does she feel the need to project the insecurity about her weight onto others like this ?  This isn't the first time she's gotten weird about her weight.  The last time, her mom had been pushy with her about exercising, and she threatened to stop eating over it.  Why can't my girlfriend decide to actually address the problem by treating her medical condition (she has been prescribed meds for it) and by exercising, and why is she engaging in this sort of a knee-jerk response ?  I pride myself on being the kind of guy who makes an honest effort to understand women, but this is really throwing me off.  I feel like she's gone psycho on me.  I did have her going to the gym to exercise with me, but her motivation has worn off, and I really don't feel I have the right to push her to do things, even if those thinfs are for her own good.  Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas ?  I know I should wait for her emotions to die down a bit before trying to reason with her (she's at school right now, thankfully), but what should I try to do that I haven't done before ?  I've talked to her before, I've made a real effort to help her with this.  She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc).  Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms).  She doesn't have a chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder.  Anyways, sorry for the long rant, and I hope the ARFCOM ladies can give me some helpful pointers.

Fatigue and widespread pain characterize fibromyalgia, a condition affecting mainly women.

She's a woman, they always got somthing going on, as do men.

The trick is...

Are you compatible enough to put up with each others shit?


If so, welcome to a relationship. If not, welcome to threads like this.

Everbody hads malfunctions.

Will yours work with hers?

No easy answers.


GM

Quoted: Quoted: I live with my girlfriend, we're both 21 and living in an apartment.  She has hypothyroidism and hasn't been exercising, while I am basically healthy (aside from fibromyalgia) and I've been exercising like crazy.  The girlfriend isn't exercising or treating her hypothyroidism and she noticed that she gained 10 pounds, while my weight has remained pretty constant (She's 210 now, I'm 220 and have been for some time).  The girlfriend started freaking out over it, telling me how she needs to throw out all the "bad" food and get rid of all the sugar, etc.  It's really freaking me out, she went in the kitchen earlier and was looking for stuff to throw out, I felt like she was going to throw out all the food or something.  She's basically blaming junk food for her weight gain all the sudden, when I think her thyroid condition and lack of exercise is the bigger culprit.  Why does she feel the need to project the insecurity about her weight onto others like this ?  This isn't the first time she's gotten weird about her weight.  The last time, her mom had been pushy with her about exercising, and she threatened to stop eating over it.  Why can't my girlfriend decide to actually address the problem by treating her medical condition (she has been prescribed meds for it) and by exercising, and why is she engaging in this sort of a knee-jerk response ?  I pride myself on being the kind of guy who makes an honest effort to understand women, but this is really throwing me off.  I feel like she's gone psycho on me.  I did have her going to the gym to exercise with me, but her motivation has worn off, and I really don't feel I have the right to push her to do things, even if those thinfs are for her own good.  Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas ?  I know I should wait for her emotions to die down a bit before trying to reason with her (she's at school right now, thankfully), but what should I try to do that I haven't done before ?  I've talked to her before, I've made a real effort to help her with this.  She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc).  Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms).  She doesn't have a chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder.  Anyways, sorry for the long rant, and I hope the ARFCOM ladies can give me some helpful pointers.   Fatigue and widespread pain characterize fibromyalgia, a condition affecting mainly women.

Yep, I'm the one with the fibro and I have the fatigue and the widespread pain.  But I still exercise my ass off She's got hypothyroidism.  

Quoted: aww you sound like a really great guy to her. It's nice to see you caring much. Weight seems to be an issue with girls. Just be honest and tell her you care about her health, want to see her do it for herself to be healthy, so you guys can be healthy together. I think that would hit me the right way. Seems tricky, sometimes its just hard. I know this probably isn't helpful but wanted to give you kudos for being caring. Hope it all works out.

Thanks for the compliments I just hope I can help her.  I have told her that honestly, the only thing about her weight that concerns me is how worked up she gets over it and how she has to take an active role if she wants to make a difference.  I'd love to continue exercising with her.  Her and I used to exercise together, but she's lost the motivation, and I'd feel wrong if I attempted to tell her what to do.  I don't like seeing her get upset over something she percieves as a problem, but doesn't seem willing to try to fix.  That's the part that concerns me.  

My head hurts

The "paragraph".  It IS your friend.  

She has a lack of self-control.. and lacks responsibility.

She blames the food, instead of herself for EATING the food. Next.. she'll be blaming you for allowing the food in the house, making it YOUR problem also.

If you can deal with it.. (which I doubt you'll be able to for much longer), then good for you. These however.. are major red flags, that you will NOT be able to fix/solve. She has to do it on her own.....

I'm sorry, but there is no magic cure..... she has to be willing to do it on her own, only then will she make the gains she wants. (no pun intended)

Quoted: My head hurts The "paragraph".  It IS your friend.

LOL.  This is ARFCOM.  I knew I was typing without using proper grammar, punctuation and sentence structure, however, I just didn't care. I think if we kicked out every member who ever made any mistakes in their posts that we wouldn't have very much of a membership left.  

Quoted: She has a lack of self-control.. and lacks responsibility. She blames the food, instead of herself for EATING the food. Next.. she'll be blaming you for allowing the food in the house, making it YOUR problem also. If you can deal with it.. (which I doubt you'll be able to for much longer), then good for you. These however.. are major red flags, that you will NOT be able to fix/solve. She has to do it on her own..... I'm sorry, but there is no magic cure..... she has to be willing to do it on her own, only then will she make the gains she wants. (no pun intended)

Yeah, unfortunately, I am starting to agree with you.  As much as I wish it were otherwise, as she's generally a great person and I love her.  I'm keeping my eyes open now.  

Time to go.

bob

Quoted: She has a lack of self-control.. and lacks responsibility. She blames the food, instead of herself for EATING the food. Next.. she'll be blaming you for allowing the food in the house, making it YOUR problem also. If you can deal with it.. (which I doubt you'll be able to for much longer), then good for you. These however.. are major red flags, that you will NOT be able to fix/solve. She has to do it on her own..... I'm sorry, but there is no magic cure..... she has to be willing to do it on her own, only then will she make the gains she wants. (no pun intended)

 HOOOOORAY FOR VOODOO--HE HAS BEEN LISTENING  


seriously, dude, my thought was time to go--you cant make another person care about ANYTHING, no matter how hard you try--my advice is to end it, quickly and clearly

Quoted:  HOOOOORAY FOR VOODOO--HE HAS BEEN LISTENING

And I have yet to find a single woman who is before the age of 25... who has self-control, takes responsibility for herself and actions... and takes the nescessary steps to correct whatever she thinks.. needs to be "fixed".

Its in part.. immaturity/insecurity/low-self worth etc....

Its a bitch being 21.

But, I keep on looking. They tend to be taken kind of quickly though.

Update: The girlfriend just came home, apologized to me (on her own initiative) and says she knows she reacted badly and we're going to discuss the matter later.  When we talk tonight, I'm going to repeat the stuff I've said before about my only concern being how upset she gets about her weight, and I'm going to try persuading her to take her meds and to start exercising with me again.  Does the ARFCOM membership feel this is a matter that can be resolved, or is this really something worth terminating the entire relationship over ?  I'm willing to help her by giving her an exercise buddy and by reminding her to take her meds, but she has to do her part.  Is this something I should really hold a grudge over ?  I understand that there's red flags here and it has opened my eyes a bit, I'm watching out.  I've already been in a bad (abusive) relationship before, so I know about those kind of warning signs.  She's not a physically violent person, though, and this is a different situation.  If this is going to go badly and is just the beginning of a even bigger set of problems, how bad should I let it get before I cut and run ?  

Quoted: Update: The girlfriend just came home, apologized to me (on her own initiative) and says she knows she reacted badly and we're going to discuss the matter later.  When we talk tonight, I'm going to repeat the stuff I've said before about my only concern being how upset she gets about her weight, and I'm going to try persuading her to take her meds and to start exercising with me again.  Does the ARFCOM membership feel this is a matter that can be resolved, or is this really something worth terminating the entire relationship over ?  I'm willing to help her by giving her an exercise buddy and by reminding her to take her meds, but she has to do her part.  Is this something I should really hold a grudge over ?  I understand that there's red flags here and it has opened my eyes a bit, I'm watching out.  I've already been in a bad (abusive) relationship before, so I know about those kind of warning signs.  She's not a physically violent person, though, and this is a different situation.  If this is going to go badly and is just the beginning of a even bigger set of problems, how bad should I let it get before I cut and run ?

To be bluntly honest..

It really depends on her, and her attitude.

It can be resolved.. but only by her, and she has to put forth the effort and discipline in getting it done. It will NOT be easy.. no way in hell. For you, or for her.

If I were you.. this could terminate the relationship, yes. The issue isn't her weight.. or the depression.. or the meds. The issue is she continuely avoids the real threat here, her lack of self-control/self-worth... you cannot, cannnot...CANNNNNOTTT fix it. I can't really stress that enough.

Guys fall into the trap (like I have), that when a woman is hurt... or in trouble, they can be fixed. Sorry, they cannot.. they can only fix themselves. If you attempt to "fix" her, she will bring you down. She has to first; 1) accept there is a problem  2) start fixing it  3)can use you as support, but not for the real foundation.

Be there to support.. to give what emotional support she needs.. but don't become her crutch, it will hurt you more than you can imagaine.

Hope I've helped.

depends, bob, on how long she follows through and how many chances you are going to give her to do so

its easy for us to sit here and say "dump her ass, man" but you are an adult and can make your own decisions

this is a time to determine boundaries, let her know what they are and be ready and willing to stick to them--otherwise, you will be dealing with this same issue in 2, 5, 10, 20 years--if thats not a problem for you, by all means, have at it --if it is, tell her so and make sure she understands you will not stay with her and hold her together while she self-destructs

Quoted: Quoted: Update: The girlfriend just came home, apologized to me (on her own initiative) and says she knows she reacted badly and we're going to discuss the matter later.  When we talk tonight, I'm going to repeat the stuff I've said before about my only concern being how upset she gets about her weight, and I'm going to try persuading her to take her meds and to start exercising with me again.  Does the ARFCOM membership feel this is a matter that can be resolved, or is this really something worth terminating the entire relationship over ?  I'm willing to help her by giving her an exercise buddy and by reminding her to take her meds, but she has to do her part.  Is this something I should really hold a grudge over ?  I understand that there's red flags here and it has opened my eyes a bit, I'm watching out.  I've already been in a bad (abusive) relationship before, so I know about those kind of warning signs.  She's not a physically violent person, though, and this is a different situation.  If this is going to go badly and is just the beginning of a even bigger set of problems, how bad should I let it get before I cut and run ?   To be bluntly honest.. It really depends on her, and her attitude. It can be resolved.. but only by her, and she has to put forth the effort and discipline in getting it done. It will NOT be easy.. no way in hell. For you, or for her. If I were you.. this could terminate the relationship, yes. The issue isn't her weight.. or the depression.. or the meds. The issue is she continuely avoids the real threat here, her lack of self-control/self-worth... you cannot, cannnot...CANNNNNOTTT fix it. I can't really stress that enough. Guys fall into the trap (like I have), that when a woman is hurt... or in trouble, they can be fixed. Sorry, they cannot.. they can only fix themselves. If you attempt to "fix" her, she will bring you down. She has to first; 1) accept there is a problem  2) start fixing it  3)can use you as support, but not for the real foundation. Be there to support.. to give what emotional support she needs.. but don't become her crutch, it will hurt you more than you can imagaine. Hope I've helped.

Quoted: depends, bob, on how long she follows through and how many chances you are going to give her to do so its easy for us to sit here and say "dump her ass, man" but you are an adult and can make your own decisions this is a time to determine boundaries, let her know what they are and be ready and willing to stick to them--otherwise, you will be dealing with this same issue in 2, 5, 10, 20 years--if thats not a problem for you, by all means, have at it --if it is, tell her so and make sure she understands you will not stay with her and hold her together while she self-destructs

Makes sense and thank you for the replies.  VooDoo, I know exactly what you mean, I had what you describe happen to me in a past relationship when I was 18.  In that situation, the girl started with "suicide" attempts and being emotionally needy, then progressed to being physically abusive.  I guess the best I can say for myself at that time was that I was 18 and really didn't know better.  I do know better now, though.  DiabolicalChicken, I agree with you completely about boundaries and I think that that's something I failed to do in the past and somehow just never learned to do.  The girlfriend and I have since sat down and talked about it, she's apologized for overreacting and intends to treat her hypothyroidism and go to the gym with me.  A lot of it was getting her to realize that she was letting her emotions cloud her judgement and using ineffective coping strategies.  She realizes this and I hope she learns from it, for her own good.  I let her know about this thread, let her know that people here were advising me to leave her, and that really got her attention.  She realized that her behavior affects me in a negative way.  For now, at least, the situation appears resolved.  

Quoted: Quoted: aww you sound like a really great guy to her. It's nice to see you caring much. Weight seems to be an issue with girls. Just be honest and tell her you care about her health, want to see her do it for herself to be healthy, so you guys can be healthy together. I think that would hit me the right way. Seems tricky, sometimes its just hard. I know this probably isn't helpful but wanted to give you kudos for being caring. Hope it all works out. Thanks for the compliments I just hope I can help her.  I have told her that honestly, the only thing about her weight that concerns me is how worked up she gets over it and how she has to take an active role if she wants to make a difference.  I'd love to continue exercising with her.  Her and I used to exercise together, but she's lost the motivation, and I'd feel wrong if I attempted to tell her what to do.  I don't like seeing her get upset over something she percieves as a problem, but doesn't seem willing to try to fix.  That's the part that concerns me.

Glad to hear and update btw. I don't think its something you should be holding a grudge over. This is between you and her and you'll know best what you can handle and if its worth sticking out. If you think it isn't then for sure it isn't, But if you want to and see it as something minor to let the whole relationship go then stick it through. We all go through our immature and insecure moments, even after we've matured. Best of luck

Nothing wrong with jump starting a new healthy life style with tossing out the junk food.  But as well all know in order to make the life changes needed to be healthy there's more to it than just lack of junk food.  I really recommend you both getting serious about your diet - there's more to gain then weight loss [no pun intended].  I really recommend reading Bob Greene's book "Get with the Program."

210 for a woman is a lot of weight to be carrying around.  I'm 6 ft and feel like a cow at 170.  She needs to do a lot of changes and I doubt its all thyroid issues.

Quoted: Nothing wrong with jump starting a new healthy life style with tossing out the junk food.  But as well all know in order to make the life changes needed to be healthy there's more to it than just lack of junk food.  I really recommend you both getting serious about your diet - there's more to gain then weight loss [no pun intended].  I really recommend reading Bob Greene's book "Get with the Program." 210 for a woman is a lot of weight to be carrying around.  I'm 6 ft and feel like a cow at 170.  She needs to do a lot of changes and I doubt its all thyroid issues.

Mild hypothyroidism can make a person tired, contribute to weight gain, hair loss, memory problems, and irritability.  Sometimes I wonder how much our minds affect our bodies in the case of hormonally related problems... ie, you get stressed creating excess of certain hormones or you get excess hormones and thereby get stressed.  A cycle or a case of which came first? Moderate exercise is an excellent way to encourage feel good hormones.  What's wrong with a little, "I'm going to the track/park for a little picnic and walk, Honey.  I packed us a (healthy) lunch."

Fibromyalgia is a catch all for all kinds of autoimmune disorders, which tend to run in families.  A  little research into your own symptoms and dietary determination on your own behalf may serve to inspire her.  Fibromyalgia is often misdiagnosed or a series of symptoms.  Diet modifications may be good for anyone with autoimmune disorders.  

Ah, don't worry about it. Go ahead and marry her. Things will be fine. She'll probably change completely once you're married and slim down, cultivate a positive body image and start taking responsibility for her own actions.

See how silly it sounds?

Hypothyroidism, untreated, can indeed cause weight gain and affect the personality.  *BUT* it often serves as a 'catch all' to blame for sheer slovenliness and lack of self respect.  A woman goes to a doctor, says she's putting on weight, claims good eating habits, doctor says well, your thyroid is probably a bit low (hypothyroidism), woman goes home happy that she has something 'medical' to blame.

NOW.  I am a woman who has Hashimoto's syndrome ie, I have almost no thyroid function.  I am stabilised on thyroid suplement, and have been for 20+ years.  It is the ONLY medication I take.  Period.

So am I fat wacko?  Au contraire I am 5'5", 129 lbs and teach hatha yoga classes 3 times per week on top of a fulltime business career.  

Hypothyroidism is EASILY diagnosable and treatable.  ONE pill a day.

Is she on antidepressants or other meds that can cause weight gain?  

A big thumbs up to you for hanging in there.  But I don't want you to get duped into believing that mere hypothyroidism in and of itself -- when properly treated-- is to blame for a whole spectrum of things.  She needs to have her thyroid level checked.  It is a simple lab test of bloodwork, and the supplement can be easily raised or lowered in dosage if appropriate.

She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc). Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms).

It sounds like a vicious cycle; the weight problem is contributing to the depression, the depression is preventing her from addressing the weight problem.

Both problems have to be addressed together and she has to want to do it. It's very hard when living with somebody who's depressed not to become a part of that cycle yourself. You get dragged in to it without realising it.

You've gotten some really good advice here. I agree with the person who said be supportive, but establish boundaries, because if you don't, you'll be enabling the behavior and that's not going to help either of you.

Good luck.

Quoted: I live with my girlfriend, we're both 21 and living in an apartment.  She has hypothyroidism and hasn't been exercising, while I am basically healthy (aside from fibromyalgia) and I've been exercising like crazy.  The girlfriend isn't exercising or treating her hypothyroidism and she noticed that she gained 10 pounds, while my weight has remained pretty constant (She's 210 now, I'm 220 and have been for some time).  The girlfriend started freaking out over it, telling me how she needs to throw out all the "bad" food and get rid of all the sugar, etc.  It's really freaking me out, she went in the kitchen earlier and was looking for stuff to throw out, I felt like she was going to throw out all the food or something.  She's basically blaming junk food for her weight gain all the sudden, when I think her thyroid condition and lack of exercise is the bigger culprit.  Why does she feel the need to project the insecurity about her weight onto others like this ?  This isn't the first time she's gotten weird about her weight.  The last time, her mom had been pushy with her about exercising, and she threatened to stop eating over it.  Why can't my girlfriend decide to actually address the problem by treating her medical condition (she has been prescribed meds for it) and by exercising, and why is she engaging in this sort of a knee-jerk response ?  I pride myself on being the kind of guy who makes an honest effort to understand women, but this is really throwing me off.  I feel like she's gone psycho on me.  I did have her going to the gym to exercise with me, but her motivation has worn off, and I really don't feel I have the right to push her to do things, even if those thinfs are for her own good.  Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas ?  I know I should wait for her emotions to die down a bit before trying to reason with her (she's at school right now, thankfully), but what should I try to do that I haven't done before ?  I've talked to her before, I've made a real effort to help her with this.  She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc).  Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms).  She doesn't have a chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder.  Anyways, sorry for the long rant, and I hope the ARFCOM ladies can give me some helpful pointers.

Put her back on the market and let her be someone else's problem.






Totally kidding, bro.  Seriously, has anyone considered that - in addition to the hypothyroidism and lack of exercise - she might *also* have an eating disorder?

This statement:

This isn't the first time she's gotten weird about her weight. The last time, her mom had been pushy with her about exercising, and she threatened to stop eating over it.

was like something of a red flag to me.*


* Not a medical professional.

Quoted: Update: The girlfriend just came home, apologized to me (on her own initiative) and says she knows she reacted badly and we're going to discuss the matter later.  When we talk tonight, I'm going to repeat the stuff I've said before about my only concern being how upset she gets about her weight, and I'm going to try persuading her to take her meds and to start exercising with me again.  Does the ARFCOM membership feel this is a matter that can be resolved, or is this really something worth terminating the entire relationship over ?  I'm willing to help her by giving her an exercise buddy and by reminding her to take her meds, but she has to do her part.  Is this something I should really hold a grudge over ?  I understand that there's red flags here and it has opened my eyes a bit, I'm watching out.  I've already been in a bad (abusive) relationship before, so I know about those kind of warning signs.  She's not a physically violent person, though, and this is a different situation.  If this is going to go badly and is just the beginning of a even bigger set of problems, how bad should I let it get before I cut and run ?

You should probably just tell her to take two of these - er, read this thread - and call you in the morning.

Oh, I've also decided that it's generally a bad idea to ask for relationship advice on arfcom.  That said, if'n you're gonna do it anyway, this (i.e. WS Forum) is the place to do it!

Quoted: Quoted: Update: The girlfriend just came home, apologized to me (on her own initiative) and says she knows she reacted badly and we're going to discuss the matter later.  When we talk tonight, I'm going to repeat the stuff I've said before about my only concern being how upset she gets about her weight, and I'm going to try persuading her to take her meds and to start exercising with me again.  Does the ARFCOM membership feel this is a matter that can be resolved, or is this really something worth terminating the entire relationship over ?  I'm willing to help her by giving her an exercise buddy and by reminding her to take her meds, but she has to do her part.  Is this something I should really hold a grudge over ?  I understand that there's red flags here and it has opened my eyes a bit, I'm watching out.  I've already been in a bad (abusive) relationship before, so I know about those kind of warning signs.  She's not a physically violent person, though, and this is a different situation.  If this is going to go badly and is just the beginning of a even bigger set of problems, how bad should I let it get before I cut and run ? To be bluntly honest.. It really depends on her, and her attitude. It can be resolved.. but only by her, and she has to put forth the effort and discipline in getting it done. It will NOT be easy.. no way in hell. For you, or for her. If I were you.. this could terminate the relationship, yes. The issue isn't her weight.. or the depression.. or the meds. The issue is she continuely avoids the real threat here, her lack of self-control/self-worth... you cannot, cannnot...CANNNNNOTTT fix it. I can't really stress that enough. Guys fall into the trap (like I have), that when a woman is hurt... or in trouble, they can be fixed. Sorry, they cannot.. they can only fix themselves. If you attempt to "fix" her, she will bring you down. She has to first; 1) accept there is a problem  2) start fixing it  3)can use you as support, but not for the real foundation. Be there to support.. to give what emotional support she needs.. but don't become her crutch, it will hurt you more than you can imagaine. Hope I've helped.

Great advice.  The only thing I'd add is that the highlighted part is a door that swings both ways.

Quoted: Ah, don't worry about it. Go ahead and marry her. Things will be fine. She'll probably change completely once you're married and slim down, cultivate a positive body image and start taking responsibility for her own actions. See how silly it sounds?

Quoted: She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc). Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms). It sounds like a vicious cycle; the weight problem is contributing to the depression, the depression is preventing her from addressing the weight problem. Both problems have to be addressed together and she has to want to do it. It's very hard when living with somebody who's depressed not to become a part of that cycle yourself. You get dragged in to it without realising it. You've gotten some really good advice here. I agree with the person who said be supportive, but establish boundaries, because if you don't, you'll be enabling the behavior and that's not going to help either of you. Good luck.

Goodness; does everyone who posts here sound like Dr. Phil?!?



Kidding.  Although when I read Bob's original post, I will admit to thinking "Psych Major!"  

Quoted: Quoted: I live with my girlfriend, we're both 21 and living in an apartment.  She has hypothyroidism and hasn't been exercising, while I am basically healthy (aside from fibromyalgia) and I've been exercising like crazy.  The girlfriend isn't exercising or treating her hypothyroidism and she noticed that she gained 10 pounds, while my weight has remained pretty constant (She's 210 now, I'm 220 and have been for some time).  The girlfriend started freaking out over it, telling me how she needs to throw out all the "bad" food and get rid of all the sugar, etc.  It's really freaking me out, she went in the kitchen earlier and was looking for stuff to throw out, I felt like she was going to throw out all the food or something.  She's basically blaming junk food for her weight gain all the sudden, when I think her thyroid condition and lack of exercise is the bigger culprit.  Why does she feel the need to project the insecurity about her weight onto others like this ?  This isn't the first time she's gotten weird about her weight.  The last time, her mom had been pushy with her about exercising, and she threatened to stop eating over it.  Why can't my girlfriend decide to actually address the problem by treating her medical condition (she has been prescribed meds for it) and by exercising, and why is she engaging in this sort of a knee-jerk response ?  I pride myself on being the kind of guy who makes an honest effort to understand women, but this is really throwing me off.  I feel like she's gone psycho on me.  I did have her going to the gym to exercise with me, but her motivation has worn off, and I really don't feel I have the right to push her to do things, even if those thinfs are for her own good.  Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas ?  I know I should wait for her emotions to die down a bit before trying to reason with her (she's at school right now, thankfully), but what should I try to do that I haven't done before ?  I've talked to her before, I've made a real effort to help her with this.  She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc).  Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms).  She doesn't have a chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder.  Anyways, sorry for the long rant, and I hope the ARFCOM ladies can give me some helpful pointers.   Put her back on the market and let her be someone else's problem. Totally kidding, bro.  Seriously, has anyone considered that - in addition to the hypothyroidism and lack of exercise - she might *also* have an eating disorder? This statement: This isn't the first time she's gotten weird about her weight. The last time, her mom had been pushy with her about exercising, and she threatened to stop eating over it. was like something of a red flag to me.* * Not a medical professional.

I understand why you think that is a red flag and I thought the same, too, when she did that. LOL @ "put her back on the market" .  She didn't actually stop eating, but she was talking about it for a week and just generally being depressed over what her mom said.  I think a lot of it had to do with emotional sensitivity and being insecure about her body image.  I was present when her mom said what she said, and I think her mom was being a little too blunt about it.  It was something like "You need to start going to the gym. You need to lose weight", just direct like that.  

I'd be a little upset/annoyed too if someone talked to me like that (but I wouldn't stop eating or make threats).  My approach is more along the lines of "Hey honey, I'm going to the gym, want to come with me ?" and talking to her about the health benefits of exercise and stuff like that.  I've witnessed other encounters she has had with other people that were being blunt, aggressive, pushy or nagging towards her. It just makes things worse and she thinks people who act that way towards her are trying to be mean to her, even if their goals are honorable.  I'm more concerned about her happiness and how she feels about herself more than anything else.  

I know it is up to her, but I know I should be supportive.  Good news is that we have started going to the gym together.  In fact, we're going to go to the gym today.  Her and I just celebrated our 6th month together last night (we went out to eat) and everything has generally been fine.  She had midterms in school (college), so she's been a bit stressed over that.  That's over now, though.  She's on spring break and we're planning to do more stuff together.  As a side note, she's not currently taking any antidepressants (she realized, as I did, that they don't really work).  

Quoted: Quoted: Update: The girlfriend just came home, apologized to me (on her own initiative) and says she knows she reacted badly and we're going to discuss the matter later.  When we talk tonight, I'm going to repeat the stuff I've said before about my only concern being how upset she gets about her weight, and I'm going to try persuading her to take her meds and to start exercising with me again.  Does the ARFCOM membership feel this is a matter that can be resolved, or is this really something worth terminating the entire relationship over ?  I'm willing to help her by giving her an exercise buddy and by reminding her to take her meds, but she has to do her part.  Is this something I should really hold a grudge over ?  I understand that there's red flags here and it has opened my eyes a bit, I'm watching out.  I've already been in a bad (abusive) relationship before, so I know about those kind of warning signs.  She's not a physically violent person, though, and this is a different situation.  If this is going to go badly and is just the beginning of a even bigger set of problems, how bad should I let it get before I cut and run ?   You should probably just tell her to take two of these - er, read this thread - and call you in the morning. Oh, I've also decided that it's generally a bad idea to ask for relationship advice on arfcom.  That said, if'n you're gonna do it anyway, this (i.e. WS Forum) is the place to do it!

Matter of fact, she did read this.  She Googled my username and found this thread.  She wasn't angry, but she did ask questions.  Just wanting clarification on a few things I said.  Having her read all of this provided her with a wakeup call and it actually helped in getting us to talk the issue out.  I never meant for her to read it, but hey, it happened and it looks like it was for the best that she did.  Yes, I know WS is where you want to go.  Posting it in GD would be a invitation to trolls.  

She googled your username and found this thread? Why did she not just ask you to pull it up so she could read it?
Being suspicious enough to google around to check on you is a no-no, either she trusts you or she doesn't.

I was leaning toward Option C before, but now I'm sure.

definitely Option C time.

C'ya!

Quoted: Quoted: She's been to counseling before for depression, but that didn't achieve much except to get her put on antidepressants which had nasty side effects (dizziness, extreme fatigue to the point where she couldn't drive, etc). Furthermore, the medications didn't address the cause of her depression (stressors and lack of good coping mechanisms). It sounds like a vicious cycle; the weight problem is contributing to the depression, the depression is preventing her from addressing the weight problem. Both problems have to be addressed together and she has to want to do it. It's very hard when living with somebody who's depressed not to become a part of that cycle yourself. You get dragged in to it without realising it. You've gotten some really good advice here. I agree with the person who said be supportive, but establish boundaries, because if you don't, you'll be enabling the behavior and that's not going to help either of you. Good luck. Goodness; does everyone who posts here sound like Dr. Phil?!? Kidding.  Although when I read Bob's original post, I will admit to thinking "Psych Major!"

LOL Being able to string two sentences together is a cross I have to bear.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about someone Googling my screen name... One of the reasons I tend to use different s/ns at different boards.

Quoted: She googled your username and found this thread? Why did she not just ask you to pull it up so she could read it? Being suspicious enough to google around to check on you is a no-no, either she trusts you or she doesn't. I was leaning toward Option C before, but now I'm sure. definitely Option C time. C'ya!

She didn't know about the thread (I wasn't going to let her know).  I guess she just got curious.  Yeah, she's a bit paranoid.  Then again, in her shoes, I might've done the same, just out of curiosity.  

Quoted: Quoted: She googled your username and found this thread? Why did she not just ask you to pull it up so she could read it? Being suspicious enough to google around to check on you is a no-no, either she trusts you or she doesn't. I was leaning toward Option C before, but now I'm sure. definitely Option C time. C'ya! She didn't know about the thread (I wasn't going to let her know).  I guess she just got curious.  Yeah, she's a bit paranoid.  Then again, in her shoes, I might've done the same, just out of curiosity.

If that is true, then it is a match made in heaven.

bob

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: She googled your username and found this thread? Why did she not just ask you to pull it up so she could read it? Being suspicious enough to google around to check on you is a no-no, either she trusts you or she doesn't. I was leaning toward Option C before, but now I'm sure. definitely Option C time. C'ya! She didn't know about the thread (I wasn't going to let her know).  I guess she just got curious.  Yeah, she's a bit paranoid.  Then again, in her shoes, I might've done the same, just out of curiosity.   If that is true, then it is a match made in heaven. bob

I don't really have anything to hide, so I don't feel particularly threatened by it.  It's pretty hard to blindly trust today, not to mention that blind trust can make a person willfully ignorant of serious problems around them.  I would want to know what people are saying about me, only for informational purposes and to help me recognize when I'm making mistakes with others.  I'd want to know about it when I'm being an idiot, and people aren't always going to tell you to your face (yes, I just walked into a trap with that one ).  I wasn't going to let her know about the thread because I didn't think it was really important or that there was any point to her knowing.  

When this thread gets to the point where everyone tells their stories about how they dated some whacky chick for x months/years and realized later that they wasted X months/years of their life, then I can add more to the conversation.