My 18 year old daughter, who just got kicked out of her apt, moved in with my wife and me so she could "save some money." We told her she could stay for a month or so and we both told her we would respect her as long as she respected us; in other words act like an adult. She had gotten into some trouble and had some community service to do which she keeps putting off. She has a loser boyfriend(20 years old, still at home) with no job, no car, that she was going to see everynight after work. What's worse he's never without his "posse"! I've never saw the guy without a gaggle of his "friends" around!  She's constantly complaining about that so I told her to "trade in your car for a van!" She sleeps all day, lays out all night, is constantly lying and  messing up the house. Then it's off to see "el loser." Long story short, we told her she needs to get her head out of her ass, quit whining about her situation, do her community service and help alittle around the house! She told my wife that the only reason she was here is so we could "help her!" My wife got upset and left the room. I then proceeded to read my "darling daughter" the riot act! telling her that the free ride stops here! From now on If you want to act like an idiot, by all means act any way you want, but there's the door! "If you want to live here you have to abide by my rules" number one of which is when I get up to go to work in the morning you will be dropped off at "community service"(It's her day off) and I will pick you up when I come home from work!"(She's been putting this off since January!) She then got all pissy and said I'm going out! Got in her car and drove through the neighbors yard. Of course, now my wife and I have had words about this and in my agitated state I cussed at my wife.  I have since apoligized but I don't think "it took".  We both packed up my daughters stuff and are going to take it to storage. I feel bad and at the same time relieved, but I wish it wouldn't have happened. I truely know why some mothers eat their young!
As I'm sitting here my wife just said she feels sick, me too. Just had to vent and I guess I wanted womans perspective.

Hessian-1(somedays I hate being a parent!)out!

you have tried to help--she needs to have some logical consequences at this time

dont let her back in

sounds rough, but........


IM for more

You made the right decision in my opinion.  Being a parent is tough at times but you have to do what you think is necessary to 'force' your kids to grow up.  I tell my friends that God knew what he was doing when he threw in the teenage phase.  It makes it so much easier to let go  (because when they are little you can not imagine them leaving you for their own life).  Anyway, hang in there.  Sooner or later she will grow up and realize that she has to work to make it on her own and that the world does not owe her anything.

I thought maybe I would have a similar problem when my daughter turned 18.  However, it seems that she is a good kid - she has never even asked me to change her curfew, which was a real surprise.  She works full time, helps around the house sometimes and pays her bills on time.

I have absolutely no words of wisdom for this one except that she is going to have to learn the hard way at this point. She is an adult yet still acting like an irresponsible child, so that is how she should be treated. I will be thinking of you and hope that things turn out for the best.

I have alot I want to say, but it's late, so I'll post in the morning.

(somedays I hate being a parent!)

How do you feel about being a grand parent?

Sorry about your predicament. Hope it all works out for everyone.

Quoted: My 18 year old daughter, who just got kicked out of her apt, moved in with my wife and me so she could "save some money." We told her she could stay for a month or so and we both told her we would respect her as long as she respected us; in other words act like an adult. She had gotten into some trouble and had some community service to do which she keeps putting off. She has a loser boyfriend(20 years old, still at home) with no job, no car, that she was going to see everynight after work. What's worse he's never without his "posse"! I've never saw the guy without a gaggle of his "friends" around!  She's constantly complaining about that so I told her to "trade in your car for a van!" She sleeps all day, lays out all night, is constantly lying and  messing up the house. Then it's off to see "el loser." Long story short, we told her she needs to get her head out of her ass, quit whining about her situation, do her community service and help alittle around the house! She told my wife that the only reason she was here is so we could "help her!" My wife got upset and left the room. I then proceeded to read my "darling daughter" the riot act! telling her that the free ride stops here! From now on If you want to act like an idiot, by all means act any way you want, but there's the door! "If you want to live here you have to abide by my rules" number one of which is when I get up to go to work in the morning you will be dropped off at "community service"(It's her day off) and I will pick you up when I come home from work!"(She's been putting this off since January!) She then got all pissy and said I'm going out! Got in her car and drove through the neighbors yard. Of course, now my wife and I have had words about this and in my agitated state I cussed at my wife.  I have since apoligized but I don't think "it took".  We both packed up my daughters stuff and are going to take it to storage. I feel bad and at the same time relieved, but I wish it wouldn't have happened. I truely know why some mothers eat their young! As I'm sitting here my wife just said she feels sick, me too. Just had to vent and I guess I wanted womans perspective. Hessian-1(somedays I hate being a parent!)out!

Where does her money come from?  Who pays for her car?  Who pays for her car insurance?

Start there.

The kid will be a yo-yo unless you just get her out.  If she can keep falling back on you, she will again.  

She will find the way.  Don't worry about her 'lifestyle'.  It wouldn't matter if she wasn't under the microscope of your closely watchful eye of parental residency.  

Get her out.  I have seen several case studies on this, performed live.  It is the best thing you can do.  Tell her she can come over for dinner often, so she is fed.  Even buy her groceries if needed.  Don't pay her bills.

All I can say is if it were my kids, I would have done the same. you can't enable them forever.

Where does her money come from?  She works at a nursing home
Who pays for her car?      Her grandfather bought it against the rest of the familys advice.
Who pays for her car insurance? I did last week when it lapsed.(part of about $500 she owes me)


Per the last family meeting.............

Shes history, time to see if the birdie can fly!

The US Navy got my shit together.  

Quoted: Where does her money come from?  She works at a nursing home Who pays for her car?      Her grandfather bought it against the rest of the familys advice. Who pays for her car insurance? I did last week when it lapsed.(part of about $500 she owes me) Per the last family meeting............. Shes history, time to see if the birdie can fly!

Hang in there! This is probably one of the most difficult things I can think of going through as a parent. Mine are young right now so I'm lucky they are still in the snuggly stage. Stay strong and know that others are pulling for things to work out for the best.

Wow, I can sympathise. My son is 18, alittle immature,but he does work. He still lives at home. He is also going into the Army. Maybe some military service will help give her some direction. I do know it is hard to watch your kids screw their life up,but sometimes you have to let them fall flat on their faces. Good luck,from one parent to another. You'll be in my prayers.

You did the right thing. I was not raised with enough consequences for my actions, and it was hard to grow up because of that. I have a friend who is 25, does not work, does not have a driver's license, and depends totally on her mother who recently had a heart attack. IMHO she is going to wear her mother to death and then shack up with the first guy willing to take care of her. This is no way to live. Good luck.

Help stops at 18 and then out you go, unless my child is in college. Otherwise they'll either sink or swim. Don't get me wrong, I would not hesitate to "help" my child, but once they throw it in my face because they think it's still my responsibility and they don't want to help themselves, that's it. The only decision left is should I open the door before or after I throw them out.

Damn that sucks! I take it that you don't live with her mother because you said "My wife" and not "her Mother".  I had a lot of the same things that you just described with my father, I was a real bitch between 18-21.  He kicked me out when I was 18 after I stayed with him and his "wife" for a few months.  The only real advice I can give you is if she is YOUR kid and not your wife's, YOU have to be the one that puts down the laws, NOT your wife.  If that is her mother then disregard all this drivel, she is a brat and hopefully will grow out of it.  Feel free to IM away.  
 
 P.S. My Grandfather was a Hessian Soldier

Quoted:  Just had to vent and I guess I wanted womans perspective. Hessian-1(somedays I hate being a parent!)out!

Well I'm not a Woman , but I have a similar problem with my (Almost) 18 daughter .
The past 6 months have been sheer hell , she refuses to listen to anything
my Ex or I have to say . Her only answer is that she will be 18 soon and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it ! and state Child services backs her up .

This past Sunday night she didn't bother to come home or call , she missed school Mon
and wandered in 3AM that night . My Ex called me because she (Daughter) threatened
to kick her Mothers ass if she said a word to her . I got in my car , but by the time I got there
a 40 min drive , she was gone .  We made a report to the PD but they said there isn't
much they can do at this point .

She doesn't have a car , or more then $20 in her pocket and her friends say they don't know
where she is , but I know two of them well enough to know they are covering for her by the tone
of their voice . At this point I'm not sure what I will do next , but I do know that things
cannot continue as they are now .......................

The one thing I have learned from having an 18 year old son,is they are still kind of stuck in this I want to be a kid and an adult at the same time. They want to be treated as an adult with all the adult responsibilities,but yet they still act like little kids. The only thing I can say is hopefully they outgrow this. It is extremely hard to watch your kid mess up. Just make sure you have a united front with your spouse and don't back down. I wish you all luck and this is not an easy age.

Kind of pointless to give up on your daughter after 18 years, also would reflect pretty poorly on you as a responsible adult. Being you helped bring her into the world.

I say you treat her like a child if she wants to act like one. Also why does she need a car if she has debt she can't pay. Some times life sucks but when your in the dirt you don't have luxuries. I say you have her sell the car to pay back her debt and purchase something more affordable or use public transportation and use what ever money is left from the sell to get her life back on track. And if not willing to take the air out of the tires or some thing else to prevent her from using it. A car is a great way to escape reality.

Also make your feelings very known when the bf is around to her. This way he over hears it, no 20 year old something would be proud to be living with his parents, it sounds like he needs some guidance as well as your daughter. And since your daughter doesn't seem to be breaking up with her.

I am not talking about holding either of their hands, that won't do shit. But get hard but fair.
Who knows in 10 years from now you may be as happy as you have ever been. Just takes alot of work, as I am sure you know.

best thing about kids is  making them
good luck hessian

Thanks for all the support.  Called my daughter at work, asked her when she was coming to get her stuff. Not giving up on her, but she is now responsibe for "her own things." We set up a repayment plan, regular  payments until she's paid off her debt to my wife & me.
I told her she had crapped on everyone who had tried to help her and I was not going to adjust my morals and values to suit her. I also told her I loved her and hoped she could get through her current troubles and that she was welcome to visit, for dinner , holidays, or what ever but she was not going to be able to stay here. I've made my feelings very clear on her behaviour, etc but I told her I was not going to fight anymore. All in all it went pretty well.....I still worry about her but..........

best choices, hessian-1  


stick to it

ask us for moral support, if necessary  

You've made the hardets, yet wisest decision you could. I hope you can hold strong and help her to learn how to stand on her own.